Categories > Original > Humor > Hazbin Hotel: Open Forever
Chapter 2: Round and Round
0 reviewsBarry and Lucia gather stuff for Alastor while Charlie and Vaggie help Lucifer himself with something.
-1Boring
Lucifer Magne is not your ordinary demon king of hell. Well, we say demon king, but the proper term is Fallen Angel.
Trust us, we'll elaborate on that one later in our story.
Most people would expect the king of hell to be a rather angry and rude individual. However, once you have the chance to meet Lucifer, do you realize that he's not really that bad a guy.
You can't be truly evil and love candy corn. It's a scientific impossibility.
While Lucifer does have a bit of what you would call a twisted sense of humour, he cares for his citizens, in his own demented way. However, that love does not always extend to the sinners, since they used to be humans and are therefore the creations of a celestial being whose name means jackshit to Lucifer. However, there are exceptions, like his daughter's girlfriend, Vaggie.
Very few things worry Lucifer, and Charlie is fully aware of that, so the fact that her father right now looks like a mix of anxious and worried surprises her dramatically.
Charlie and Vaggie enter Lucifer’s library, where the man himself is waiting, reading through what could only be described as an “Old-as-fuck brown book.”
“Hey Dad. You wanted to see us?” says Charlie as she looks around the library.
“Yep! I was checking something out and I wanted to know if you two… would like to come to the Wrath Ring to help investigate something.” says Lucifer as he puts the book back on the shelf. “Since it’s the Harvest Moon Festival this week, I thought now would be the smart time to do so.”
While Charlie looks ecstatic at the idea, Vaggie looks hesitant. “But you’re the King of Hell. How could you investigate something in public?”
Lucifer laughs. “Don’t think that the thought has not crossed my mind. Most of the Imp citizens will be at the Pain Games and the rest of the festival and will be ogling Prince Stolas so it will be easier to look around.”
Vaggie struggles to come up with something. “But… that… wait… that actually makes sense. Wow. That’s me surprised.”
Lo and behold, more proof Lucifer is not your average King of Hell. If Vaggie had said that to the stereotype versions of Lucifer made by western production companies, Vaggie would have been killed SLOWLY.
The REAL Lucifer, however? He would never do that. He likes Vaggie for one important reason: She makes Charlie incredibly happy. Because of that, in Lucifer’s eyes, Vaggie is as good as family, despite the occasional smartass remark.
Lucifer grabs his strange red book and asks, “So, you two coming?”
Charlie nods enthusiastically and Vaggie sighs and nods.
Lucifer smiles and opens the book, flipping the pages quickly before saying, “Open the way to the Wraith Ring!”
Once Lucifer says the words, a strange blood-red portal opens on the floor in the middle of the room. While the other two look hesitant, Lucifer puts back the book, and jumps right into the portal, yelling “CANNONBALL!!”
After that moment, Vaggie and Charlie look at each other and seemed to have a conversation via looks:
V: Why is your dad like this?
C: I’ve tried to figure that out for 150 years.
V: And your best guess?
C: I have no clue.
V: What’s the chance he’ll grow up?
C: About a snowball’s chance in... Well, you get the picture.
And with that, they both jump in after Lucifer.
Ω
There are many things the average person can’t get used to; things shitty in-laws will do, Burger King’s menu, Politicians making a good call, and strange vanishing boxes. Lucia thinks being in Hell while alive BY CHOICE is one of those things.
Lucia and Barry are both walking through one of the few markets in the Pride Ring. Due to Charlie wanting to keep her employees safe and Demonic attitude towards humans, Lucia is wearing a disguise: simple make-up to make her skin chalk-white, a knee-length black dress, and more make-up to put a fake bullet hole with a lodged-in bullet on her throat along with fake blood.
Lucia’s cover story is simple: she was a Mexican bureaucrat that was shot during a terrorist attack and who died when the bullet, while it did not go through her throat all the way, severed her larynx, making her bleed out slowly.
As for why the siblings are there, Alastor decided to send the siblings on several errands, with them currently on the second errand. The first one sent them to the Cannibal Colony where they made the near-fatal mistake of not dressing like they were from the 1930’s, what with Lucia wearing her black knee-length dress and with Barry wearing jeans, a Metallica shirt, and a leather jacket.
(Since a few of you will wonder: How does the shirt look hanging off his bones? He still has a miniscule amount of throat and a bit of fleshy bits around his shoulders, which hold up the shirt, but you can see his ribs if the wind hits him.)
They walk into a store with a big ol’ flashing neon sign that says, “WE HAVE DRUGS!!”
The siblings walk to the main counter at the back. Lucia rings the bell, and the strangest looking pharmacist ever walks out. While he’s wearing what you would expect: buttoned shirt, lab coat, khakis, his head looks like a Tylenol capsule from the 80’s. His skin looks like it was made from melted pill bottles.
The pharmacist smiles, with his mouth at the bottom of the capsule, and says, “Hola, señor y señorita. What do you folks need.”
Barry hands him a little prescription slip and says, “Hola. Necesitamos alrededor de 30 Xanax. Just one bottle. Business prescription.”
The pharmacist grabs the slip. “It will take about 50 minutes. Have a walk around.”
Barry rolls his eyes and grabs the pharmacist by the collar of his shirt. “Look, doc. I can see a grandiose thing of Xanax behind you. Why would it take 50 minutes to put 30 pills into a SINGLE continuer? What, are you actually making the goddamn medicine back there, pandejo?”
When the pharmacist doesn’t answer and instead looks guilty, Barry adds, “Whole fuck. You really DO make the shit?!? Just fuckin’ outsource it! ¡Oh, me estás tomando el pelo! You know what? Just throw 30 pills in a thing and we’ll pay and leave.”
The pharmacist, terrified at this point, quickly does what Barry said and hands him the pill bottle. Barry pays him and the siblings leave.
“Why the fuck is Alastor sending us to do this shit? He can teleport! Does he really need us to do this?” asks Barry as he pockets the Xanax. Afterall, it’s Hell. If anyone sees him with any type of drug, they’d bum-rush him and Lucia like moths to a flame.
Lucia shrugs. “I really have no clue. Maybe he’s busy and he needs us to go around.”
“All he does is stay up in that radio tower of his, broadcasting stories of his carnage. Come on, we’ve got 12 more stops and if one more Nueces puta callejera offers to suck on Mi polla no exsistent for money, I am going to burn down this entire part of town.”
Ω
The Wrath Ring has four major ecosystems: the towns, the farms, the untouched moors, and the forest.
The forest surrounds most of the Wrath Ring and is wild and unkept with all sorts of strange plants and crazy animals.
Much to Lucifer’s dismay, there are also quite a few mud pits. By the time Lucifer fell into the 10th, with both Charlie and Vaggie warning him everytime, Lucifer has basically lost it.
But for now, there is something more important to address: the fact that Vaggie, a sinner, is in the Wrath Ring.
In normal circumstances, a sinner would not be able to leave the Pride Ring, but she came through a portal made by Lucifer. Those portals are not bound by the enchantments and restrictions that stop Sinners from taking the huge elevators to the different rings, so therefore, Vaggie can go through one of them.
There is a more scientific way to explain it, but you’re not here for sciencey shit. You’re here for Demons and raunchy jokes.
“Damn it! I hate walking through this huge circle of mud and horseshit!” says Lucifer as he wipes mud off his shoes for the 200th time. “If I step in anymore mud, I’m going to burn this ring to the ground!”
Charlie carefully walks around the puddle as she says, “It’s not that bad...”
Vaggie is known for being smart in dangerous situations, which is why she grabs Charlie by the shoulders and backs up when Lucifer says, “Not that bad?! The bottoms of your pants are smothered in shit and mud!”
Charlie, only NOW noticing the mud, looks at her pant legs and says, “Oh... Okay, it’s a little bad.”
“You think?!” Lucifer keeps going but then goes, “Yes! Perfect!”
Charlie and Veggie catch up to Lucifer and see something shocking.
Most animals, when they die, go to Heaven and become Cherubs. However, some animals, like your neighbour's asshole cat or your landlord’s pissed-off dog, end up in Hell.
Before the trio is a trail of dead woodland creatures, all the kinds you would expect in the Wraith Ring, along with rotting dead plants and a… broken Chuck Norris CD, for some reason.
Makes sense. The dude’s a homophobe.
Charlie kneels down and looks at a dead squirrel sadly. “What did this?”
Lucifer closes his eyes before he waves his hand, causing the ground to shallow up the animals in small graves. “That’s why we’re here.”
This enrages Vaggie, who says, “You brought us to chase something that’s randomly killing animals?!?”
Lucifer ignores Vaggie and sniffs the air. “Come on. We’re losing time.” Lucifer runs down the trail at full speed, with Charlie and Vaggie barely keeping up and a few minutes later, they reach their destination.
The scene should have been beautiful, with a perfect untouched lake, the long trees filtering the sunlight, and the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves.
It still is somewhat beautiful, but not in the way it should be, seeing as everything is dead.
The trees look as if they have aged hundreds of years, with leaves dying and falling from the trees, random fish floating belly-up in the lake, along with a motorcycle made of bones. Sitting on a large rock at the center of the lake is a person wearing a biker jacket, leather pants, combat boots, and a biker helmet. The biker is carrying a scythe in their hand and has a raven with blood-tipped wings perched on their shoulder.
Even across the lake and over the wind, they can hear their voice as if they are speaking next to them. “I Have a Beginning, But No End and I End All Things That Begin. What am I?”
The biker removes their helmet and it’s only the fact that they know Barry that keeps Charlie and Vaggie from gasping: the biker’s head is a white pristine skull, with nothing remaining.
The biker is not just sitting in front of them. the biker’s on earth as well at the same time. He's in the gang's warehouse where Barry lost his life six years ago, and in the fields of the Middle East where hundreds are gunned down daily. He is in the hospitals, and in the morgues. He is the one thing no one can outrun for it is impossible to flee from him.
His voice goes down the trio’s backs like a shiver as he says, “The answer, is Death.”
Ω
Barry and Lucia walk out of a night club, with Barry putting back on his leather jacket.
“So, how many putas did I light on fire?”
Lucia seems to count in her head as she readjusts the top of her dress. “Alrededor de 23, incluido el de los siete brazos.”
“Oh, yeah. That one was a little weird.”
“No kidding. Why do I have a feeling we’re gonna get banned?”
“Do you REALLY want to go back to that whore house?” asks Barry with a look of surprise.
“Oh, fuck no. I would rather die for real.”
“Like when they took the cattle prod and nearly shoved it -”
“¡Eh! ¡No estamos diciendo mierda sobre la picadura del ganado! ¡¿Entiendo?!”
Barry raises his hands in defeat. “Yes, ma’am. Now, I have an annoying demon to kill.”
Lucia is, evidently, confused for a few seconds, before realizing what Barry means. “Barry, Alastor would wreck your shit and you know that.”
Let’s add some context:
After the drugstore, they went to a RadioShack a few blocks down, since even certain businesses can go to hell. In the RadioShack, a random sinner tried to get the siblings to pay $8000 for random parts and then sexually harassed Lucia, leading Barry to burn the sinner alive(?).
From there, they went to a grocery store, where the casher tried to make it look like the ingredients for Jambalaya that all together cost $58, really cost $269.39.
Do you want to guess what Barry did?
Lucia’s professional opinion as a psychologist is that he’s compensating for something.
Then they went to the night club, where they were supposed to collect some more drugs… for SOME reason. There, they decided to relax for a bit, until things got a little… intense (“Oye, qué carajos?!? Keep that chainsaw away from my ass, fuckheads!” yells Barry as he’s tied down, BDSM style, onto a rather large table while a demon prostitute stands behind him, trying to start up a rather old-looking chainsaw.).
The point is that Barry is pissed off and Alastor, who sent them on these little jobs in the first place, is the perfect outlet for his rage.
Barry ignores his sister and quickly walks across the street.
Once they’re on the other side, Lucia presses on, saying, “Come on, Barry! You just need to calm down!”
“No! The bastard made us do all the leg work while he just lounges around, telling stupid fuckin’ stories on his stupid fuckin’ radio! I’ve fuckin’ had it! ¡Voy a estrangular ese coño antes de prenderle fuego y arrojarlo al Atlántico!”
Lucia stops and puts on a smartass expression. “But if you kill Alastor, how would you throw his body into the Atlantic? After all, he’s our ride between Hell and the living world.”
Barry opens his mouth to respond, but then stops as what Lucia said hits him. “Maldita sea. Tienes razón, hermana. Fine, I can’t kill him, but I CAN verbally rip him a new asshole!”
“BARRY!” Yells Lucia as Barry starts to run down the sidewalk in the direction of the Hotel. “Ese idiota se va a matar. Wait for me!” She then proceeds to run after Barry
Ω
If there is an entity that Lucifer would like to stay FAR AWAY from, preferably millions of miles away, that would be Death.
Death stands up and walks ACROSS the water to the trio.
“So, why is the Lord of the Damned, his child, and a sinner hunting me down across Wrath?”
Lucifer takes a deep breath and says, “I need you to come back to the Pride Ring with me, Death. It’s… urgent.”
Death tilts his head. “Why should I listen to you, the man that lies through his teeth and keeps the most important secrets that risk reality as we know it.”
Charlie looks at her father, confused by the reaper’s words. “Dad, what does he mean?”
Lucifer doesn’t answer. Instead, he stares Death in the “eyes” for several minutes.
Death does not flinch under the gaze of the Lord of Hell, a brave thing indeed.
“Lucifer, if you wish to speak, might I suggest privacy?” asks Death, which causes Lucifer to snap his fingers. In a second, Lucifer and Death are on the rock at the center of the lake.
“Death, are you aware?”
“That my brethren ride once more? Yes. My realm, the sunless lands between the worlds of the living and the deceased, shook as though the world was-”
“Stop. Don’t get poetic on my ass. How long until the end?”
Death, while annoyed, says, “I truly do not know, Son of God. A week, a month, 50 years. The only thing set in stone is the threat of Ragnarök.”
“You’re a being loosely based on catholic folklore, the most bullshit thing ever before Donald Trump’s whole NFT Ponzi scheme. Don’t use Norse terms.” Worth mentioning that Lucifer tensed up at the mention of God.
“Fine.”
“Great. Now, I must request that you come to Pride with me since you are the only link to the Horsemen we have.”
“Hmmm… Very well, my Lord. I shall come with you. But be warned, it-”
Lucifer waves him off. “Skip the ominous warning for now.” Lucifer snaps once again and both him and Death are back on the shore. Death claps and his motorcycle roars to life. It moves at breakneck speed to the reaper, who just jumps several feet into the air and lands right on the cycle.
“Where shall I meet you three?”
Lucifer then realizes the hard truth: he didn’t think that far ahead.
Charlie notices this and says, “You could go to the Happy Hotel.”
Lucifer looks like he wants to protest, but Death nods, puts on his helmet, and rides off down the path the trio came.
After a minute of silence, Lucifer breaks it by saying, “How come none of us made a Ghost Rider joke?”
Ω
We thought it would be smart to mention this. In the last chapter, we mentioned that Lucia pulled out a Glock-17 when Alastor showed up. that leads to the question: why does the psychologist have a Glock?
The answer is that after Barry’s death 6 years ago, Lucia decided to get a gun license, a right to openly carry, and then bought the best handgun she could at the time, being her Glock-17. Since then, she only used the gun twice: once when those who killed Barry tried to get her and she was forced to shoot, killing 3 of them before the cops arrived. The second time was when there was a violent anti-abortion protest, and her personal safety was at risk. During that incident, she was leaving an abortion clinic, having met up with a friend that happened to be one of the nurses working there, when 5 protesters thought she had just gotten an abortion and assaulted her, forcing her to shoot one.
The more you know.
Ω
There are many things that doors, from wood to steel, can stop from entering a building.
However, an angry Sinner Demon with fire powers that get stronger the madder he gets is NOT one of them.
Barry kicks the doors open and runs up the stairs, with Lucia following him up. Barry walks into the elevator and closes the doors before Lucia can get in, forcing her to use the stairs.
Once he’s on the proper floor, he runs down the hall to the door that leads to the staircase to Alastor’s tower. He kicks in the door, and he charges up the staircase as Lucia reaches the door. Lucia runs upstairs and doesn’t reach the door before it opens by itself. Lucia runs into the room, where Barry is yelling while Alastor sits at his desk, amused.
“Why the fuck are you making us run around doing stupid shit for you?! And if you say ‘entertainment,’ I am going to light your shitty haircut on fire!”
Alastor leans back and says, “Simple, my dirty-mouthed Mexican friend. What do you really know about Hell? You spent a few days here before I sent you back to Earth. So, what better way to get acquainted with Hell than explore the Pride Ring!”
“You sent us to the Cannibal Colony! We almost got eaten by some fancy idiots!”
“Did I forget to mention the whole clothes thing? Oh well!”
Barry looks at Alastor’s shit-eating grin and Barry groans. “You don’t even really care. Fuck this.”
Barry shoves past Lucia and runs down the stairs. Lucia looks at the demon overlord for a few seconds and then follows her brother, closing the door behind her.
Ω
The limo of one Charlie Magne pulls up to the Happy Hotel and Charlie and Vaggie step out of the limo. Death rides up behind the limo on his motorcycle and he climbs off the bike. At the front door is a demon, smoking and checking his phone.
The demon is named Angel Dust and he is a humanoid, bipedal spider demon with a pencil-thin build. He stands at around 7 feet tall, 8 feet with his heels on, and he’s covered in fluffy, white fur. Angel Dust has a distinctive, swooping hairstyle, he wears eye shadow and eyeliner, both pink irises, and his left eye has a dark sclera and no pupil, possibly due to a fight. He has a pink heart on the back of his head as well as on his chest, with a line going down to his... nether regions.
One of Angel's most noticeable features is his prominent chest, often giving a first-hand impression to others that he actually has breasts.
In actuality, his chest is composed entirely of fluff, and the “boob fluff” is a cluster of his fluff combed and pampered up due to the tightness of his jacket.
Angel Dust's attire is a white suit with pink stripes throughout, a black bow tie with a pink center, a black choker, long pink gloves on all his hands, black short shorts, and long, black thigh-high heel boots.
Angel Dust eyeballs the approaching Death and says, “Do you two have a thing for guys that are just bones or something?”
Vaggie gives him a death glare that even the reaper is shocked by. “Will you shut it, Angel?”
Angel circles Death, taking in the reaper. “So, are you also lacking down there, like the other guy?”
Death gives a Michael Myers-like head tilt and says, “I am the physical manifestation of the end of all things. If you attempted such carnal things with me, your demonic body would die in flames and your soul would be cast down… again.”
“But I’m already dead. What would happen? Would I go for Hell for Hell?”
“That is actually a thing.”
“Really? What is it?”
“23-hour loop of TMZ.”
Angel shrugs. “Makes sense. Why only 23 hours?”
“To give sinners a reprieve before their eternal torment recommences.”
After a few minutes everyone is back in the hotel. Vaggie flops onto a couch next to Barry.
“Let me guess: hard day?” asks Barry as he takes a swig of whiskey from a bottle in his hand. He hands Vaggie a bottle as well.
Vaggie eyes the bottle for a second before giving in and downing the entire thing in one go. “Yeah. Didn’t think I would be helping the King of Hell hunt down Death himself.”
“Sounds fun. Meanwhile, I was almost eaten by posh cannibals, nearly raped, threatened a pharmacist, almost got scammed twice, and had I not done something, I would have been fucked with a chainsaw. Now add roughly 26 murders via fire.”
Vaggie stares at Barry in surprise. “Remind me to tell Alastor not to give you and your sister jobs in the future.”
“Better believe I fucking will.”
The moth demon and the skeleton demon put their bottles together and drink to that.
Ω
Death looks around the room Charlie provided him with. It’s rather nice, though the dressing room table is a bit much.
Death sits on the bed and covers his eye sockets with his bony hands. After a few seconds, he smells familiar things: violent sickness and diseases.
Death then looks up to see the being before him.
While Pestilence is wearing the same outfit as Death, that is where the similarities end.
They are covered in fungus and vomit, with blood-covered gashes in their jacket and skin, tipped with various poisons. Their eyes, ears, nose, and mouth have blood slowly dripping out, and their skin looks dead and stretched out over their body.
“Death. It is good to see you after so long. Last time I saw you, we began the Black Plague together. How are you, brother?”
“I am well, Pestilence. What brings you here?”
“I, Famine, and War have begun to ride once more to hail the end.”
Death gets off the bed and waves his hand. Once he does, 2 glasses and a bottle of brandy appear on the dresser. Death pours the brandy and offers a glass to them. Pestilence declines the drink and Death downs them both, with the brandy vanishing within his skull.
“My dear sibling, I know of this. I was hunted down by Lucifer in the Wrath Ring because of it.”
“And will you be joining us in our ride, brother?”
Death drinks the second glass of brandy and puts the top back on the bottle before saying, “No. I will not be riding with you.”
“And why not, brother?”
“I have had several thousand years to think on this issue. Me and my sister Life have existed because of Earth. I have grown to… appreciate humanity. They are a funny little race and I pride myself on watching them grow.”
“Brother-”
Death cuts him off, saying, “Stop. We are brothers of status. Do not try to play that card anymore, Pestilence. I am not riding for the end of the world. Now leave before I make you.”
Death looks away and as he does, Pestilence vanishes, and they leave no trace.
Ω
For the last week, marine biologists and other ocean-related scientists have been stunned over the fact that, all over the world, the temperature of oceans all over have risen to ridiculous highs and that fish have turned up, practically cooked and fried.
However, while panicking, none of them noticed that the new temperature had gone down, not by a lot, but to the point where the polar ice caps will stay frozen longer.
And the Horsemen have lost one.
Trust us, we'll elaborate on that one later in our story.
Most people would expect the king of hell to be a rather angry and rude individual. However, once you have the chance to meet Lucifer, do you realize that he's not really that bad a guy.
You can't be truly evil and love candy corn. It's a scientific impossibility.
While Lucifer does have a bit of what you would call a twisted sense of humour, he cares for his citizens, in his own demented way. However, that love does not always extend to the sinners, since they used to be humans and are therefore the creations of a celestial being whose name means jackshit to Lucifer. However, there are exceptions, like his daughter's girlfriend, Vaggie.
Very few things worry Lucifer, and Charlie is fully aware of that, so the fact that her father right now looks like a mix of anxious and worried surprises her dramatically.
Charlie and Vaggie enter Lucifer’s library, where the man himself is waiting, reading through what could only be described as an “Old-as-fuck brown book.”
“Hey Dad. You wanted to see us?” says Charlie as she looks around the library.
“Yep! I was checking something out and I wanted to know if you two… would like to come to the Wrath Ring to help investigate something.” says Lucifer as he puts the book back on the shelf. “Since it’s the Harvest Moon Festival this week, I thought now would be the smart time to do so.”
While Charlie looks ecstatic at the idea, Vaggie looks hesitant. “But you’re the King of Hell. How could you investigate something in public?”
Lucifer laughs. “Don’t think that the thought has not crossed my mind. Most of the Imp citizens will be at the Pain Games and the rest of the festival and will be ogling Prince Stolas so it will be easier to look around.”
Vaggie struggles to come up with something. “But… that… wait… that actually makes sense. Wow. That’s me surprised.”
Lo and behold, more proof Lucifer is not your average King of Hell. If Vaggie had said that to the stereotype versions of Lucifer made by western production companies, Vaggie would have been killed SLOWLY.
The REAL Lucifer, however? He would never do that. He likes Vaggie for one important reason: She makes Charlie incredibly happy. Because of that, in Lucifer’s eyes, Vaggie is as good as family, despite the occasional smartass remark.
Lucifer grabs his strange red book and asks, “So, you two coming?”
Charlie nods enthusiastically and Vaggie sighs and nods.
Lucifer smiles and opens the book, flipping the pages quickly before saying, “Open the way to the Wraith Ring!”
Once Lucifer says the words, a strange blood-red portal opens on the floor in the middle of the room. While the other two look hesitant, Lucifer puts back the book, and jumps right into the portal, yelling “CANNONBALL!!”
After that moment, Vaggie and Charlie look at each other and seemed to have a conversation via looks:
V: Why is your dad like this?
C: I’ve tried to figure that out for 150 years.
V: And your best guess?
C: I have no clue.
V: What’s the chance he’ll grow up?
C: About a snowball’s chance in... Well, you get the picture.
And with that, they both jump in after Lucifer.
Ω
There are many things the average person can’t get used to; things shitty in-laws will do, Burger King’s menu, Politicians making a good call, and strange vanishing boxes. Lucia thinks being in Hell while alive BY CHOICE is one of those things.
Lucia and Barry are both walking through one of the few markets in the Pride Ring. Due to Charlie wanting to keep her employees safe and Demonic attitude towards humans, Lucia is wearing a disguise: simple make-up to make her skin chalk-white, a knee-length black dress, and more make-up to put a fake bullet hole with a lodged-in bullet on her throat along with fake blood.
Lucia’s cover story is simple: she was a Mexican bureaucrat that was shot during a terrorist attack and who died when the bullet, while it did not go through her throat all the way, severed her larynx, making her bleed out slowly.
As for why the siblings are there, Alastor decided to send the siblings on several errands, with them currently on the second errand. The first one sent them to the Cannibal Colony where they made the near-fatal mistake of not dressing like they were from the 1930’s, what with Lucia wearing her black knee-length dress and with Barry wearing jeans, a Metallica shirt, and a leather jacket.
(Since a few of you will wonder: How does the shirt look hanging off his bones? He still has a miniscule amount of throat and a bit of fleshy bits around his shoulders, which hold up the shirt, but you can see his ribs if the wind hits him.)
They walk into a store with a big ol’ flashing neon sign that says, “WE HAVE DRUGS!!”
The siblings walk to the main counter at the back. Lucia rings the bell, and the strangest looking pharmacist ever walks out. While he’s wearing what you would expect: buttoned shirt, lab coat, khakis, his head looks like a Tylenol capsule from the 80’s. His skin looks like it was made from melted pill bottles.
The pharmacist smiles, with his mouth at the bottom of the capsule, and says, “Hola, señor y señorita. What do you folks need.”
Barry hands him a little prescription slip and says, “Hola. Necesitamos alrededor de 30 Xanax. Just one bottle. Business prescription.”
The pharmacist grabs the slip. “It will take about 50 minutes. Have a walk around.”
Barry rolls his eyes and grabs the pharmacist by the collar of his shirt. “Look, doc. I can see a grandiose thing of Xanax behind you. Why would it take 50 minutes to put 30 pills into a SINGLE continuer? What, are you actually making the goddamn medicine back there, pandejo?”
When the pharmacist doesn’t answer and instead looks guilty, Barry adds, “Whole fuck. You really DO make the shit?!? Just fuckin’ outsource it! ¡Oh, me estás tomando el pelo! You know what? Just throw 30 pills in a thing and we’ll pay and leave.”
The pharmacist, terrified at this point, quickly does what Barry said and hands him the pill bottle. Barry pays him and the siblings leave.
“Why the fuck is Alastor sending us to do this shit? He can teleport! Does he really need us to do this?” asks Barry as he pockets the Xanax. Afterall, it’s Hell. If anyone sees him with any type of drug, they’d bum-rush him and Lucia like moths to a flame.
Lucia shrugs. “I really have no clue. Maybe he’s busy and he needs us to go around.”
“All he does is stay up in that radio tower of his, broadcasting stories of his carnage. Come on, we’ve got 12 more stops and if one more Nueces puta callejera offers to suck on Mi polla no exsistent for money, I am going to burn down this entire part of town.”
Ω
The Wrath Ring has four major ecosystems: the towns, the farms, the untouched moors, and the forest.
The forest surrounds most of the Wrath Ring and is wild and unkept with all sorts of strange plants and crazy animals.
Much to Lucifer’s dismay, there are also quite a few mud pits. By the time Lucifer fell into the 10th, with both Charlie and Vaggie warning him everytime, Lucifer has basically lost it.
But for now, there is something more important to address: the fact that Vaggie, a sinner, is in the Wrath Ring.
In normal circumstances, a sinner would not be able to leave the Pride Ring, but she came through a portal made by Lucifer. Those portals are not bound by the enchantments and restrictions that stop Sinners from taking the huge elevators to the different rings, so therefore, Vaggie can go through one of them.
There is a more scientific way to explain it, but you’re not here for sciencey shit. You’re here for Demons and raunchy jokes.
“Damn it! I hate walking through this huge circle of mud and horseshit!” says Lucifer as he wipes mud off his shoes for the 200th time. “If I step in anymore mud, I’m going to burn this ring to the ground!”
Charlie carefully walks around the puddle as she says, “It’s not that bad...”
Vaggie is known for being smart in dangerous situations, which is why she grabs Charlie by the shoulders and backs up when Lucifer says, “Not that bad?! The bottoms of your pants are smothered in shit and mud!”
Charlie, only NOW noticing the mud, looks at her pant legs and says, “Oh... Okay, it’s a little bad.”
“You think?!” Lucifer keeps going but then goes, “Yes! Perfect!”
Charlie and Veggie catch up to Lucifer and see something shocking.
Most animals, when they die, go to Heaven and become Cherubs. However, some animals, like your neighbour's asshole cat or your landlord’s pissed-off dog, end up in Hell.
Before the trio is a trail of dead woodland creatures, all the kinds you would expect in the Wraith Ring, along with rotting dead plants and a… broken Chuck Norris CD, for some reason.
Makes sense. The dude’s a homophobe.
Charlie kneels down and looks at a dead squirrel sadly. “What did this?”
Lucifer closes his eyes before he waves his hand, causing the ground to shallow up the animals in small graves. “That’s why we’re here.”
This enrages Vaggie, who says, “You brought us to chase something that’s randomly killing animals?!?”
Lucifer ignores Vaggie and sniffs the air. “Come on. We’re losing time.” Lucifer runs down the trail at full speed, with Charlie and Vaggie barely keeping up and a few minutes later, they reach their destination.
The scene should have been beautiful, with a perfect untouched lake, the long trees filtering the sunlight, and the sound of the wind blowing through the leaves.
It still is somewhat beautiful, but not in the way it should be, seeing as everything is dead.
The trees look as if they have aged hundreds of years, with leaves dying and falling from the trees, random fish floating belly-up in the lake, along with a motorcycle made of bones. Sitting on a large rock at the center of the lake is a person wearing a biker jacket, leather pants, combat boots, and a biker helmet. The biker is carrying a scythe in their hand and has a raven with blood-tipped wings perched on their shoulder.
Even across the lake and over the wind, they can hear their voice as if they are speaking next to them. “I Have a Beginning, But No End and I End All Things That Begin. What am I?”
The biker removes their helmet and it’s only the fact that they know Barry that keeps Charlie and Vaggie from gasping: the biker’s head is a white pristine skull, with nothing remaining.
The biker is not just sitting in front of them. the biker’s on earth as well at the same time. He's in the gang's warehouse where Barry lost his life six years ago, and in the fields of the Middle East where hundreds are gunned down daily. He is in the hospitals, and in the morgues. He is the one thing no one can outrun for it is impossible to flee from him.
His voice goes down the trio’s backs like a shiver as he says, “The answer, is Death.”
Ω
Barry and Lucia walk out of a night club, with Barry putting back on his leather jacket.
“So, how many putas did I light on fire?”
Lucia seems to count in her head as she readjusts the top of her dress. “Alrededor de 23, incluido el de los siete brazos.”
“Oh, yeah. That one was a little weird.”
“No kidding. Why do I have a feeling we’re gonna get banned?”
“Do you REALLY want to go back to that whore house?” asks Barry with a look of surprise.
“Oh, fuck no. I would rather die for real.”
“Like when they took the cattle prod and nearly shoved it -”
“¡Eh! ¡No estamos diciendo mierda sobre la picadura del ganado! ¡¿Entiendo?!”
Barry raises his hands in defeat. “Yes, ma’am. Now, I have an annoying demon to kill.”
Lucia is, evidently, confused for a few seconds, before realizing what Barry means. “Barry, Alastor would wreck your shit and you know that.”
Let’s add some context:
After the drugstore, they went to a RadioShack a few blocks down, since even certain businesses can go to hell. In the RadioShack, a random sinner tried to get the siblings to pay $8000 for random parts and then sexually harassed Lucia, leading Barry to burn the sinner alive(?).
From there, they went to a grocery store, where the casher tried to make it look like the ingredients for Jambalaya that all together cost $58, really cost $269.39.
Do you want to guess what Barry did?
Lucia’s professional opinion as a psychologist is that he’s compensating for something.
Then they went to the night club, where they were supposed to collect some more drugs… for SOME reason. There, they decided to relax for a bit, until things got a little… intense (“Oye, qué carajos?!? Keep that chainsaw away from my ass, fuckheads!” yells Barry as he’s tied down, BDSM style, onto a rather large table while a demon prostitute stands behind him, trying to start up a rather old-looking chainsaw.).
The point is that Barry is pissed off and Alastor, who sent them on these little jobs in the first place, is the perfect outlet for his rage.
Barry ignores his sister and quickly walks across the street.
Once they’re on the other side, Lucia presses on, saying, “Come on, Barry! You just need to calm down!”
“No! The bastard made us do all the leg work while he just lounges around, telling stupid fuckin’ stories on his stupid fuckin’ radio! I’ve fuckin’ had it! ¡Voy a estrangular ese coño antes de prenderle fuego y arrojarlo al Atlántico!”
Lucia stops and puts on a smartass expression. “But if you kill Alastor, how would you throw his body into the Atlantic? After all, he’s our ride between Hell and the living world.”
Barry opens his mouth to respond, but then stops as what Lucia said hits him. “Maldita sea. Tienes razón, hermana. Fine, I can’t kill him, but I CAN verbally rip him a new asshole!”
“BARRY!” Yells Lucia as Barry starts to run down the sidewalk in the direction of the Hotel. “Ese idiota se va a matar. Wait for me!” She then proceeds to run after Barry
Ω
If there is an entity that Lucifer would like to stay FAR AWAY from, preferably millions of miles away, that would be Death.
Death stands up and walks ACROSS the water to the trio.
“So, why is the Lord of the Damned, his child, and a sinner hunting me down across Wrath?”
Lucifer takes a deep breath and says, “I need you to come back to the Pride Ring with me, Death. It’s… urgent.”
Death tilts his head. “Why should I listen to you, the man that lies through his teeth and keeps the most important secrets that risk reality as we know it.”
Charlie looks at her father, confused by the reaper’s words. “Dad, what does he mean?”
Lucifer doesn’t answer. Instead, he stares Death in the “eyes” for several minutes.
Death does not flinch under the gaze of the Lord of Hell, a brave thing indeed.
“Lucifer, if you wish to speak, might I suggest privacy?” asks Death, which causes Lucifer to snap his fingers. In a second, Lucifer and Death are on the rock at the center of the lake.
“Death, are you aware?”
“That my brethren ride once more? Yes. My realm, the sunless lands between the worlds of the living and the deceased, shook as though the world was-”
“Stop. Don’t get poetic on my ass. How long until the end?”
Death, while annoyed, says, “I truly do not know, Son of God. A week, a month, 50 years. The only thing set in stone is the threat of Ragnarök.”
“You’re a being loosely based on catholic folklore, the most bullshit thing ever before Donald Trump’s whole NFT Ponzi scheme. Don’t use Norse terms.” Worth mentioning that Lucifer tensed up at the mention of God.
“Fine.”
“Great. Now, I must request that you come to Pride with me since you are the only link to the Horsemen we have.”
“Hmmm… Very well, my Lord. I shall come with you. But be warned, it-”
Lucifer waves him off. “Skip the ominous warning for now.” Lucifer snaps once again and both him and Death are back on the shore. Death claps and his motorcycle roars to life. It moves at breakneck speed to the reaper, who just jumps several feet into the air and lands right on the cycle.
“Where shall I meet you three?”
Lucifer then realizes the hard truth: he didn’t think that far ahead.
Charlie notices this and says, “You could go to the Happy Hotel.”
Lucifer looks like he wants to protest, but Death nods, puts on his helmet, and rides off down the path the trio came.
After a minute of silence, Lucifer breaks it by saying, “How come none of us made a Ghost Rider joke?”
Ω
We thought it would be smart to mention this. In the last chapter, we mentioned that Lucia pulled out a Glock-17 when Alastor showed up. that leads to the question: why does the psychologist have a Glock?
The answer is that after Barry’s death 6 years ago, Lucia decided to get a gun license, a right to openly carry, and then bought the best handgun she could at the time, being her Glock-17. Since then, she only used the gun twice: once when those who killed Barry tried to get her and she was forced to shoot, killing 3 of them before the cops arrived. The second time was when there was a violent anti-abortion protest, and her personal safety was at risk. During that incident, she was leaving an abortion clinic, having met up with a friend that happened to be one of the nurses working there, when 5 protesters thought she had just gotten an abortion and assaulted her, forcing her to shoot one.
The more you know.
Ω
There are many things that doors, from wood to steel, can stop from entering a building.
However, an angry Sinner Demon with fire powers that get stronger the madder he gets is NOT one of them.
Barry kicks the doors open and runs up the stairs, with Lucia following him up. Barry walks into the elevator and closes the doors before Lucia can get in, forcing her to use the stairs.
Once he’s on the proper floor, he runs down the hall to the door that leads to the staircase to Alastor’s tower. He kicks in the door, and he charges up the staircase as Lucia reaches the door. Lucia runs upstairs and doesn’t reach the door before it opens by itself. Lucia runs into the room, where Barry is yelling while Alastor sits at his desk, amused.
“Why the fuck are you making us run around doing stupid shit for you?! And if you say ‘entertainment,’ I am going to light your shitty haircut on fire!”
Alastor leans back and says, “Simple, my dirty-mouthed Mexican friend. What do you really know about Hell? You spent a few days here before I sent you back to Earth. So, what better way to get acquainted with Hell than explore the Pride Ring!”
“You sent us to the Cannibal Colony! We almost got eaten by some fancy idiots!”
“Did I forget to mention the whole clothes thing? Oh well!”
Barry looks at Alastor’s shit-eating grin and Barry groans. “You don’t even really care. Fuck this.”
Barry shoves past Lucia and runs down the stairs. Lucia looks at the demon overlord for a few seconds and then follows her brother, closing the door behind her.
Ω
The limo of one Charlie Magne pulls up to the Happy Hotel and Charlie and Vaggie step out of the limo. Death rides up behind the limo on his motorcycle and he climbs off the bike. At the front door is a demon, smoking and checking his phone.
The demon is named Angel Dust and he is a humanoid, bipedal spider demon with a pencil-thin build. He stands at around 7 feet tall, 8 feet with his heels on, and he’s covered in fluffy, white fur. Angel Dust has a distinctive, swooping hairstyle, he wears eye shadow and eyeliner, both pink irises, and his left eye has a dark sclera and no pupil, possibly due to a fight. He has a pink heart on the back of his head as well as on his chest, with a line going down to his... nether regions.
One of Angel's most noticeable features is his prominent chest, often giving a first-hand impression to others that he actually has breasts.
In actuality, his chest is composed entirely of fluff, and the “boob fluff” is a cluster of his fluff combed and pampered up due to the tightness of his jacket.
Angel Dust's attire is a white suit with pink stripes throughout, a black bow tie with a pink center, a black choker, long pink gloves on all his hands, black short shorts, and long, black thigh-high heel boots.
Angel Dust eyeballs the approaching Death and says, “Do you two have a thing for guys that are just bones or something?”
Vaggie gives him a death glare that even the reaper is shocked by. “Will you shut it, Angel?”
Angel circles Death, taking in the reaper. “So, are you also lacking down there, like the other guy?”
Death gives a Michael Myers-like head tilt and says, “I am the physical manifestation of the end of all things. If you attempted such carnal things with me, your demonic body would die in flames and your soul would be cast down… again.”
“But I’m already dead. What would happen? Would I go for Hell for Hell?”
“That is actually a thing.”
“Really? What is it?”
“23-hour loop of TMZ.”
Angel shrugs. “Makes sense. Why only 23 hours?”
“To give sinners a reprieve before their eternal torment recommences.”
After a few minutes everyone is back in the hotel. Vaggie flops onto a couch next to Barry.
“Let me guess: hard day?” asks Barry as he takes a swig of whiskey from a bottle in his hand. He hands Vaggie a bottle as well.
Vaggie eyes the bottle for a second before giving in and downing the entire thing in one go. “Yeah. Didn’t think I would be helping the King of Hell hunt down Death himself.”
“Sounds fun. Meanwhile, I was almost eaten by posh cannibals, nearly raped, threatened a pharmacist, almost got scammed twice, and had I not done something, I would have been fucked with a chainsaw. Now add roughly 26 murders via fire.”
Vaggie stares at Barry in surprise. “Remind me to tell Alastor not to give you and your sister jobs in the future.”
“Better believe I fucking will.”
The moth demon and the skeleton demon put their bottles together and drink to that.
Ω
Death looks around the room Charlie provided him with. It’s rather nice, though the dressing room table is a bit much.
Death sits on the bed and covers his eye sockets with his bony hands. After a few seconds, he smells familiar things: violent sickness and diseases.
Death then looks up to see the being before him.
While Pestilence is wearing the same outfit as Death, that is where the similarities end.
They are covered in fungus and vomit, with blood-covered gashes in their jacket and skin, tipped with various poisons. Their eyes, ears, nose, and mouth have blood slowly dripping out, and their skin looks dead and stretched out over their body.
“Death. It is good to see you after so long. Last time I saw you, we began the Black Plague together. How are you, brother?”
“I am well, Pestilence. What brings you here?”
“I, Famine, and War have begun to ride once more to hail the end.”
Death gets off the bed and waves his hand. Once he does, 2 glasses and a bottle of brandy appear on the dresser. Death pours the brandy and offers a glass to them. Pestilence declines the drink and Death downs them both, with the brandy vanishing within his skull.
“My dear sibling, I know of this. I was hunted down by Lucifer in the Wrath Ring because of it.”
“And will you be joining us in our ride, brother?”
Death drinks the second glass of brandy and puts the top back on the bottle before saying, “No. I will not be riding with you.”
“And why not, brother?”
“I have had several thousand years to think on this issue. Me and my sister Life have existed because of Earth. I have grown to… appreciate humanity. They are a funny little race and I pride myself on watching them grow.”
“Brother-”
Death cuts him off, saying, “Stop. We are brothers of status. Do not try to play that card anymore, Pestilence. I am not riding for the end of the world. Now leave before I make you.”
Death looks away and as he does, Pestilence vanishes, and they leave no trace.
Ω
For the last week, marine biologists and other ocean-related scientists have been stunned over the fact that, all over the world, the temperature of oceans all over have risen to ridiculous highs and that fish have turned up, practically cooked and fried.
However, while panicking, none of them noticed that the new temperature had gone down, not by a lot, but to the point where the polar ice caps will stay frozen longer.
And the Horsemen have lost one.
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