Categories > Games > Kingdom Hearts
The meaning of a name
0 reviewsDoesn’t it bother you? That those kids still call you Axel?” - Lea reflects about his time in organization.
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“Doesn’t it bother you? That those kids still call you Axel?”
Huh. Lea stopped eating for a moment. He should have guessed that sooner or later this question would come out of Isa’s mouth; it didn’t mean he was prepared to answer it.
He suppressed the need to deflect. Isa, after all, deserved a honest response. And, well, it's not like avoiding questions did him any good in the past.
Simple also wasn't going to cut it, since there was that quiet, nagging and unpleasant feeling anytime he heard this name. A reminder of his sins, so to speak. But, to think about it, wasn't that part of the reason he hadn't requested Roxas and Xion to change how they addressed him? To keep remembering?
He blinked when something cold and wet on his fingers interrupted his train of thoughts. Crap, the ice cream was starting to melt. He looked up to meet Isa’s curious gaze. Right, he was still waiting for an answer.
In order to buy a little more time Lea carefully cleaned sea-salt dainty off, ate the rest of the snack and, with all distractions gone, braced himself and started.
“Well, I can’t say that I’m completely okay with it. But, the thing is, it also doesn’t bother me that much? There are reasons for it and I’m actually quite happy with how things are.” He stopped for a moment, struggling to put his feelings into full sentences. Despite having been reformed some time ago and having a heart even longer, Lea still sometimes had a problem with it. Thankfully Isa was having similar difficulties and was prepared for weird pauses in conversation.
“Part of it, I think, is simply it’s comforting that Roxas and Xion call me like always. When I was training with Kairi I was worried that they wouldn’t consider me as their friend, both because they would be too hurt from how I failed them and because I would be something they wouldn’t recognize anymore.”
He could talk about it now without sounding desperate, but during that time it cost him a lot of restless nights. Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping.
“I’m glad that wasn’t the case. They have been through so much and so many things changed in their lives in such a short time; I’m happy they can find some stability in all of this, even if it’s just a name.”
“You know it’s not just a name for them.”
Lea snorted. “I was getting to that, be more patient! Don’t worry, I’m not going to sell myself short here” he added with an impish grin. “So, the second reason is that I feel that I need some connection between and , for all of it to be fair.”
Isa brows furrowed in confusion. “What has to do with it?”
“Hmm, how to put it… So there’s Axel, right? Axel is an asshole. Don’t deny it!” Lea quickly reacted, seeing his partner getting ready to interrupt. “I’m telling this story and Axel is an asshole. Axel hurts people and doesn’t care.” He started gesturing with a wooden stick, as if it was a protagonist here.
“Axel took advantage of a scared girl and confused teenager to pursue his own goals.” Namine’s constant loneliness, making her do almost anything for merely hope of a relationship. The lost replica with memories that aren’t his, of a life that never were, so desperate to be something more.
“Axel kidnapped a kid who did nothing to him just so he could hurt her friend” The rightful anger in Kairi’s eyes, so intense it was almost blinding.
“Axel lied to and manipulated those he named friends and finally lost them.” Roxas, so certain that no one would miss him. Xion’s still body on the castle’s floor.
“Because Axel is a coward. A crook, a fraud, pretending to be a good person only when it suits him.” He took a shaky breath. “But, despite all of this, somehow Axel managed to do something right. He... managed to form bonds with people. Even if he was also the person who hurt them. And I’m the one profiting from this and… if I were to abandon completely, wouldn’t I also be abandoning those bonds? I mean, it was Axel who was Roxas’s and Xion’s friend. It was Axel who first talked with Namine and was even her and Riku’s companion at some point. It was Axel who Kairi offered her understanding despite knowing who and what he was.”
He shook his head
“It’s just… Lea has all these connections because Axel started them. Lea reaps what Axel has sown, both the good and the bad. I can’t truly pretend like they are two completely separated people. It can’t be . Otherwise none of this will matter. And since those kids are the ones that helped me realize that, since they let me make up for what I did to them, since they’ve met both of me... I just feel they have the right to choose how they want to call me.” His lips curved upwards at the sudden thought “It’s kinda relieving that they can choose Axel. At least I know that I didn’t hurt them enough for them to be repelled by this name.”
Damn, that came out way messier than it sounded in his head. Well, he never was that good at heart-to-heart talks. He glanced at Isa, trying to guess what was going on in his head and was met with a contemplative and somber look on the other’s face.
Crap. He shouldn’t have said the last part.
“I’m not declaring that it’s the only or even the best way to handle this,” he quickly added. “It works for me but, I mean, everyone’s experience is different, right?”
God, he was pathetic.
Isa reassuringly put the hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry, I get what you’re trying to say,” despite the assurance his voice sounded a little strained. “But I also think that it’s something that can really only work for you. I doubt others have any good memories associated with their organization names. And me, well...” he shrugged and continued, “You probably know my feelings on the matter better than anyone else.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just…” Lea squeezed the man’s hand. “I don’t want to make you feel like you’re not doing enough. After all those years everyone deserves some normal life. And I want you to feel welcome in mine.”
After a moment of silence he heard a quiet laugh.
“Aren’t you sentimental,” Isa tried to sound mockingly, but tremble in his voice betrayed barely contained emotions “Even if they could call me , I would insist to change it anyway. It sounds like something you could find under a shoe. And it’s less paperwork this way.”
“I can’t with you sometimes” Lea scoffed “Would it really kill you to admit that you are touched?”
“Well, the last time I was 100% honest with you about what I feel I was literally dying, so I’m not sure what you were expecting.” Oh, Lea could feel the eye-roll.
“But…” Isa paused, seemingly searching for the right words. “Thank you. It means a lot, for you to be there,” he finally said with a sad smile. “I hope one day those kids can forgive me too. Even if I’m not so sure they should.”
“Hey, they accepted me, right? You’re not that much of a jump. They see that you’re trying to be better, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. Roxas isn’t the type to put up with someone he can’t stand, I can assure you! He would kick your ass the second you entered his field of vision if he wasn’t willing to give you a chance.” He tried to sound as confident as possible. “You need to give them more time to sort their feelings out. Everything will be okay, I’m sure.”
The light squeeze at his hand was the only answer, but it was enough.
Satisfied, Lea turned his head towards the scenery. The weird, never quite disappearing sun of Twilight Town looked beautiful from the bench they were sitting on. The view wasn’t as spectacular as from the clock tower, but it was a necessary sacrifice. The tower was, after all, their trio’s place first and foremost and bringing Isa there was still a terrible idea. It was important to give Roxas and Xion space before they would be fully comfortable with the blue-haired man who caused them many sorrows before.
Despite what he told Isa, Lea sometimes feared that this awkward, not-quit-trusting state the four of them were in now would last forever. He didn’t want to choose between his friends ever again, especially considering his tendency to make really bad life choices.
But now wasn’t the time to dwell on this type of thoughts. Lea took a deep breath, appreciating the freshness that came from the sea, and simple enjoyed the moment. Isa was right next to him. Xion and Roxas, alive and healthy, were playing somewhere with their friends. They could do anything they wanted. Kids could go to school and be normal teenagers. Nobody was after them. No danger lurking in the corner. Even finding Sora seemed to be in the grasp of a hand.
Everything will be alright.
…
Lea woke up from his daydreaming after being startled by a sudden cold breeze and looked at his watch. It was easy to forget about the flow of time in worlds like Twilight Town, but it was defiantly getting late.
“I guess we should get going. Otherwise Roxas and Xion might start getting worried” he said, getting up.
“Yes, we should, but before we move on…About what you were saying; are you sure those were all of the reasons?” Isa interrupted, the hint of playfulness in his voice.
Lea blinked, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, nothing.” the answer came and, Lea was certain this time, Isa smirked “I just suddenly remembered how obnoxious you can be.”
Lea thought for a moment and then flashed his teeth in a grin, understanding what it was about.
“Well, apparently if for about ten years the first thing you say to everyone you meet is
Huh. Lea stopped eating for a moment. He should have guessed that sooner or later this question would come out of Isa’s mouth; it didn’t mean he was prepared to answer it.
He suppressed the need to deflect. Isa, after all, deserved a honest response. And, well, it's not like avoiding questions did him any good in the past.
Simple also wasn't going to cut it, since there was that quiet, nagging and unpleasant feeling anytime he heard this name. A reminder of his sins, so to speak. But, to think about it, wasn't that part of the reason he hadn't requested Roxas and Xion to change how they addressed him? To keep remembering?
He blinked when something cold and wet on his fingers interrupted his train of thoughts. Crap, the ice cream was starting to melt. He looked up to meet Isa’s curious gaze. Right, he was still waiting for an answer.
In order to buy a little more time Lea carefully cleaned sea-salt dainty off, ate the rest of the snack and, with all distractions gone, braced himself and started.
“Well, I can’t say that I’m completely okay with it. But, the thing is, it also doesn’t bother me that much? There are reasons for it and I’m actually quite happy with how things are.” He stopped for a moment, struggling to put his feelings into full sentences. Despite having been reformed some time ago and having a heart even longer, Lea still sometimes had a problem with it. Thankfully Isa was having similar difficulties and was prepared for weird pauses in conversation.
“Part of it, I think, is simply it’s comforting that Roxas and Xion call me like always. When I was training with Kairi I was worried that they wouldn’t consider me as their friend, both because they would be too hurt from how I failed them and because I would be something they wouldn’t recognize anymore.”
He could talk about it now without sounding desperate, but during that time it cost him a lot of restless nights. Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping.
“I’m glad that wasn’t the case. They have been through so much and so many things changed in their lives in such a short time; I’m happy they can find some stability in all of this, even if it’s just a name.”
“You know it’s not just a name for them.”
Lea snorted. “I was getting to that, be more patient! Don’t worry, I’m not going to sell myself short here” he added with an impish grin. “So, the second reason is that I feel that I need some connection between and , for all of it to be fair.”
Isa brows furrowed in confusion. “What has to do with it?”
“Hmm, how to put it… So there’s Axel, right? Axel is an asshole. Don’t deny it!” Lea quickly reacted, seeing his partner getting ready to interrupt. “I’m telling this story and Axel is an asshole. Axel hurts people and doesn’t care.” He started gesturing with a wooden stick, as if it was a protagonist here.
“Axel took advantage of a scared girl and confused teenager to pursue his own goals.” Namine’s constant loneliness, making her do almost anything for merely hope of a relationship. The lost replica with memories that aren’t his, of a life that never were, so desperate to be something more.
“Axel kidnapped a kid who did nothing to him just so he could hurt her friend” The rightful anger in Kairi’s eyes, so intense it was almost blinding.
“Axel lied to and manipulated those he named friends and finally lost them.” Roxas, so certain that no one would miss him. Xion’s still body on the castle’s floor.
“Because Axel is a coward. A crook, a fraud, pretending to be a good person only when it suits him.” He took a shaky breath. “But, despite all of this, somehow Axel managed to do something right. He... managed to form bonds with people. Even if he was also the person who hurt them. And I’m the one profiting from this and… if I were to abandon completely, wouldn’t I also be abandoning those bonds? I mean, it was Axel who was Roxas’s and Xion’s friend. It was Axel who first talked with Namine and was even her and Riku’s companion at some point. It was Axel who Kairi offered her understanding despite knowing who and what he was.”
He shook his head
“It’s just… Lea has all these connections because Axel started them. Lea reaps what Axel has sown, both the good and the bad. I can’t truly pretend like they are two completely separated people. It can’t be . Otherwise none of this will matter. And since those kids are the ones that helped me realize that, since they let me make up for what I did to them, since they’ve met both of me... I just feel they have the right to choose how they want to call me.” His lips curved upwards at the sudden thought “It’s kinda relieving that they can choose Axel. At least I know that I didn’t hurt them enough for them to be repelled by this name.”
Damn, that came out way messier than it sounded in his head. Well, he never was that good at heart-to-heart talks. He glanced at Isa, trying to guess what was going on in his head and was met with a contemplative and somber look on the other’s face.
Crap. He shouldn’t have said the last part.
“I’m not declaring that it’s the only or even the best way to handle this,” he quickly added. “It works for me but, I mean, everyone’s experience is different, right?”
God, he was pathetic.
Isa reassuringly put the hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry, I get what you’re trying to say,” despite the assurance his voice sounded a little strained. “But I also think that it’s something that can really only work for you. I doubt others have any good memories associated with their organization names. And me, well...” he shrugged and continued, “You probably know my feelings on the matter better than anyone else.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s just…” Lea squeezed the man’s hand. “I don’t want to make you feel like you’re not doing enough. After all those years everyone deserves some normal life. And I want you to feel welcome in mine.”
After a moment of silence he heard a quiet laugh.
“Aren’t you sentimental,” Isa tried to sound mockingly, but tremble in his voice betrayed barely contained emotions “Even if they could call me , I would insist to change it anyway. It sounds like something you could find under a shoe. And it’s less paperwork this way.”
“I can’t with you sometimes” Lea scoffed “Would it really kill you to admit that you are touched?”
“Well, the last time I was 100% honest with you about what I feel I was literally dying, so I’m not sure what you were expecting.” Oh, Lea could feel the eye-roll.
“But…” Isa paused, seemingly searching for the right words. “Thank you. It means a lot, for you to be there,” he finally said with a sad smile. “I hope one day those kids can forgive me too. Even if I’m not so sure they should.”
“Hey, they accepted me, right? You’re not that much of a jump. They see that you’re trying to be better, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. Roxas isn’t the type to put up with someone he can’t stand, I can assure you! He would kick your ass the second you entered his field of vision if he wasn’t willing to give you a chance.” He tried to sound as confident as possible. “You need to give them more time to sort their feelings out. Everything will be okay, I’m sure.”
The light squeeze at his hand was the only answer, but it was enough.
Satisfied, Lea turned his head towards the scenery. The weird, never quite disappearing sun of Twilight Town looked beautiful from the bench they were sitting on. The view wasn’t as spectacular as from the clock tower, but it was a necessary sacrifice. The tower was, after all, their trio’s place first and foremost and bringing Isa there was still a terrible idea. It was important to give Roxas and Xion space before they would be fully comfortable with the blue-haired man who caused them many sorrows before.
Despite what he told Isa, Lea sometimes feared that this awkward, not-quit-trusting state the four of them were in now would last forever. He didn’t want to choose between his friends ever again, especially considering his tendency to make really bad life choices.
But now wasn’t the time to dwell on this type of thoughts. Lea took a deep breath, appreciating the freshness that came from the sea, and simple enjoyed the moment. Isa was right next to him. Xion and Roxas, alive and healthy, were playing somewhere with their friends. They could do anything they wanted. Kids could go to school and be normal teenagers. Nobody was after them. No danger lurking in the corner. Even finding Sora seemed to be in the grasp of a hand.
Everything will be alright.
…
Lea woke up from his daydreaming after being startled by a sudden cold breeze and looked at his watch. It was easy to forget about the flow of time in worlds like Twilight Town, but it was defiantly getting late.
“I guess we should get going. Otherwise Roxas and Xion might start getting worried” he said, getting up.
“Yes, we should, but before we move on…About what you were saying; are you sure those were all of the reasons?” Isa interrupted, the hint of playfulness in his voice.
Lea blinked, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, nothing.” the answer came and, Lea was certain this time, Isa smirked “I just suddenly remembered how obnoxious you can be.”
Lea thought for a moment and then flashed his teeth in a grin, understanding what it was about.
“Well, apparently if for about ten years the first thing you say to everyone you meet is
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