Categories > Celebrities > Savage Garden

I'll Take The Pain

by hayes_fantasy 3 reviews

Darren and Daniel have a physical relationship, but they don't talk about it.

Category: Savage Garden - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst - Characters: Daniel Jones, Darren Hayes - Published: 2005-07-02 - Updated: 2005-07-02 - 1416 words - Complete

I don't know who is using who really. I suppose we are using each other. You see it's all about want, about desire, and need, need for company, for comfort, need for intimacy. But it's not about love, at least not on his part.

I'm waiting for him now. He comes to me every night, late, when everyone else has gone to bed, when they think we have done the same. It started a couple of months back when we were a few weeks into this tour. He knocked on my door in the middle of the night, just wanting to talk, needing some reassurance and comfort. I, of course, was very willing to help out. Hell I would do anything to spend time with Daniel.

When we were writing our first album we practically lived together, and we would sit for hours talking about our dreams, our fantasies, and our fears. We laughed a lot, and cried some too, but they were great times. We were so close. But that all started changing in recent times. He withdrew from me, hardly speaking to me unless he had to. He stopped socializing with the rest of the band, distancing himself further and further from everyone.

On those first few midnight visits I would climb back into bed and he would curl up on the other side, and just talk. I loved it. It was just like the early days. He opened up about his insecurities, his loneliness, and eventually, one night, he broke down and cried and I found myself holding him, caressing him to ease his pain. My heart ached for him. Then I kissed him and instantly I was angry at myself for taking advantage of him while he was so vulnerable. But he responded. He kissed me back with a ferocity that took my breath away. We didn't talk about it, but he came back the following night and it progressed from there.

Now we have a very physical relationship but still we don't talk about it. Sure we talk about other stuff. When he first arrives at my door we still curl up on the bed and talk about all the things troubling us, and the things that make us happy. That is a part of this new relationship that I delight in, we are communicating again.

But we never talk about this, about what we are doing or where this is going. We hardly even acknowledge that this is happening, not even speaking each other's names. Even when he's slamming me into the mattress making my head spin with lust, I remain strangely silent, holding back from calling the name I so badly want to scream, holding back from screaming the words of love I so badly want him to hear. In turn, my name never passes his lips as he comes hard and hot inside of me. That's why I can't say those words. It would scare him off. He doesn't feel that way about me, and I don't expect him to. But I would rather have him like this, with all the love and pain bottled up inside me, than to not have him at all.

Well that's what I tell myself at least. But it is getting to me. It's getting harder and harder to take. Lately I've been telling myself that this can't go on much longer, that my sanity can't handle this, that my heart can't stand the pain anymore.

What I would give to wake up in his arms just once. Every night he holds me until I'm asleep and then he takes off. I suppose I should be thankful he at least waits until I'm sleeping. It makes me feel a little less used. But as I said, I suppose I'm using him too. I'm using him to hide from my own loneliness. I kid myself that I really am loved, that all this means something, that I am capable of having a normal relationship, but none of this is normal. I only feel loved for the moments he is deep inside of me, as we meld together, bodies and souls. The look in his eyes in those moments just about has me convinced, and I escape into my fantasy. I know I'm probably only seeing what I so desperately want to see. Then it's all over and we don't speak. He just holds me in silence until I drift off and then he leaves. The next day, nothing. Nothing in the way he speaks to me, looks at me, nothing would hint at what we share in the late night hours.

Late night comes around again, and I sit here again waiting for his gentle knocking on my door. I willingly open up and let him in. Into my room, into my heart. It's hurting too much. I should tell him "no more", I should turn him away. Or maybe I should tell him how I feel, then he can run, and I won't feel like the bad guy here.

There is his gentle tapping now. I slowly get up to unlatch the door. He enters and fixes me with his piercing eyes. I'm gone. I know I can't turn him away tonight. How could I? I need him more than the air I need to breathe. I'll take the pain. I will take him whichever way I can. Besides, very soon there will be no decision to make. The tour is nearly over and then he'll go back to Brisbane, I'll go to the States and this will never happen again.

Almost as if he senses my pain, he treats me a little differently tonight. He skips the chatting and instead takes his time caressing me, soothing me, making me feel special, and loved. Why is he doing this? He knows he'll get what he came here for. He doesn't have to seduce me, yet that is what he's doing. He breathlessly whispers my name over and over as he's nibbling on my earlobe. My breath catches in my throat as he pulls back, looks deep into my eyes and whispers " love." At hearing my name spoken with such obvious love he has now added confusion to the myriad of emotions going through me right now. He softly kisses my face, my eyes, whispering soothing little nothings against my skin. It is only then that I realize I am crying.

"Please Darren, don't cry my love." He whispers as his thumb wipes at my tear stained cheek.

'My love' he has never used those words before tonight. My heart twists in pain and the tears fall more profusely. He sweeps me up in his arms and guides me towards the bed. He lays me down gently and lies beside me, nuzzling my neck. The realization hits me that this is not sexual; he is not trying to seduce me. This moment is all about being loved, or feeling loved at least. That is what he wants me to feel. He knows I need that tonight.

Maybe he does love me in his own way. I know he always has, as a friend that is, but maybe this isn't just a physical release for him. Maybe his love for me does go deeper. But we both know that this relationship will never go beyond this tour. There is no tomorrow for us. I think I could cope with the world knowing about us, but Daniel never could. He is just too "straight", too conservative, and too easily hurt by media interest in his private life. He's already had enough of the media scrutiny into our lives. We both know what would happen if we were together as a couple, they would make our lives hell. Daniel could never handle that. So when this tour is over, he'll go back to Australia and settle back into his relationship with his girlfriend, in his quiet little world out of the public eye. No one will ever be the wiser, except for me.

As he gently and lovingly makes love to me tonight, I will commit it all to memory and it will become part of my ongoing fantasy. Whenever my heart aches for him, when I'm alone in my bed, at least I'll have the memories of these nights to fall back on. Yes, I'll take what I can get, for the short time I can have him, despite the pain.

The end.

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