FicWad

As a faerie, I can’t lie, but I can omit and mislead.

I am bound by contracts, but I can extort loopholes.

It’s why being a lawyer works so well.

I think it’s funny that the humans haven't caught on yet. All the signs are there. They’re just too thick to look for them.

Other cryptids know my true nature, of course. I frequently get hired to settle disagreements between elves, or sort out werewolf clan territory claims.

Therefore, it’s no surprise when the heavy oak door of my office swings open, and in step a faerie and a vampire, arguing with each other. I’m not bothered to check which kind of faerie. There are too many to keep track of.

“Can I help you?” I ask, a faintly amused expression on my face. Inside, I’m trying not to start sniggering. They’re just so unprofessional.

“We’ve been having a disagreement about whom should be whom’s thrall,” the faerie explains, looking exasperated.

“Continue.”

“This vampire here-” she gestures to the vampire currently standing with her arms crossed beside her. “- willingly partook of my food and drink inside my domain. Therefore, in accordance with the Ancient Laws, her service should be mine until I release her.”

“I see. And the defense?” I nod to the vampire.

“The food and drink I took was this faerie’s blood. By the laws which govern my kind, she should be mine until I deem otherwise.”

“I see. Will that be all? Or would you like me to settle another squabble as well?”

They have the decency to look embarrassed. “No, that- that’s all.”

“Well then. I trust you have brought the usual payment?”

Wordlessly the vampire produces a gift basket. I don’t ask where she’s been storing it. Some things are better left unexplained, as vampires have a lot of their own special rules.

I get up and nod at them. “You may leave.”

They leave.

----------

I spend the better part of a night poring over the old texts trying to make sense of the odd situation. They are right- it certainly is confusing. Normally, it doesn’t matter if a vampire thrall drinks the master’s blood, or if a faerie thrall serves their master food. It’s all just a matter of timing. I’m unsure what to do when the two occur simultaneously, though. Currently, the best I’m able to garner is that they both belong to each other. But that wouldn’t work, surely? They could not both serve the other-

…

Ah. So it was like that.

I allow myself a smile- no, a smirk- before I finally lie down to rest.

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“You did well coming to me,” I tell them after I summon them to my office. “It was complicated. However, I believe I’ve come to a satisfactory conclusion.” I pause for dramatic effect. “I believe congratulations are in order.”

“For… what, exactly?” the faerie queries. She’s suspicious. Useful trait. She’ll go far in life.”

I smile. “For your recent marriage, of course!”

I get a Look.

I give them the explanation I came to the previous night. When I finish, both of them look furious.

They start yelling at me. “This isn’t what we meant,” and “you stupid fae,” are said, but I brush the insults aside. If they don’t want my help, then why come to me?

“Look,” I finally interrupt. “You asked for my help. This is my professional opinion. I can’t help it if you don’t like it, but you are now legally married. Look on the bright side- at least you can still file a divorce.”

Wait- didn’t I see something about this last night? “Actually,” I say. “Just hold on a minute.” I pull out the sheaf of papers on marriage. Where is it… Ah, here we go…

Oh. They’re not going to like this.

I smile sheepishly at them. “So. Scratch that last statement. There’s no chance of a divorce. You can divorce from a traditional marriage, but this is more solid than that. You actually belong to each other now. You don’t actually have to live together, but you can’t divorce. Sorry.”

They give me the Look.

I feel an inexplicable urge to make another contribution.

“If you’d like, I’d be more than happy to help you out with the legal paperwork…”

They keep Looking at me.

“Pro Bono Publico?”