FicWad

'Land ho!' A voice cries out from the crow's nest. 'Island at Eleven o'clock!'

Luffy, napping on the figurehead of the Merry, snaps to attention.

Zoro wakes from his nap with a grumble, rubbing his eyes.

Sanji, hearing the news, puts the soup on a simmer and walks out of the cabin.

Vivi, cleaning her artificial arm on deck, quickly finishes up. 'Is it Whiskey Peak?'

Nami looks through the spyglass. 'It looks like how you described it. Large cactus-shaped mountains. River running down the center.'

Luffy's mouth waters. 'Does that mean we can eat meat!?' The captain turns to Vivi as she reattaches her prosthetic. 'You said there would be meat to buy there, right?'

Nami leans on the crow's nest and groans. 'Luffy, we're here to pick up the bounty. Not for you to stuff your face.'

'Plus, meat is expensive and hard to prepare.' Sanji says, lighting up a cigarette. The cook inhales the smoke with a casual smile. 'I don't want you shoving a poorly cooked kebab down your throat only for you to get the plague because some half-baked chef didn't do their prep work.'

'But... meat...'

'Only once I've tested it for possible taint and confirmed it's safe to eat.'

'Awwwww...' Luffy visibly deflates, which, as a man made of rubber, was easy to do.

'Uuuuuuuhhh.'

'Nojiko's right, Luffy!' Usopp’s voice echoes from under the decks. 'Better safe than sorry when it comes to sickness.'

Sliding down on a rope, their navigator lands on the deck. 'I'm more worried about Vivi's "friends" and how dangerous they are.' Nami adjusts the holster containing her gun. 'Fighting our way out of a horde of bounty hunters is not my idea of a good time.'

'I understand, Nami, but we won't be staying long.' Vivi says. 'We just have to collect the bounty for Laboon, pick up a friend of mine, and use the Eternal Pose he has to get to our destination. We don't even need to wait for the Log Pose to reset and lock onto a new Island.'

'Eternal pose?'

Vivi looks at Luffy. 'Think of an Eternal Pose as a compass that always points at one island. With it, we don't have to wait for the log pose.'

'So prepare for a quick stop?' Sanji asks.

Vivi nods. 'If all goes well, we will be leaving in an hour from now. So if you need to restock, be sure to make it quick, Mr Cook.'

The blonde man smiles. 'Mr Cook, more like Mr Prince!'

Zoro gives the pervy cook a lump on the head. 'And you're sure these bounty hunters won't recognize our fearless captain?'

'I think so.' The bounty hunter says with near certainty. 'You said your captain got his bounty a few weeks ago, and news travels at a snail's pace these days. I didn't even know you had a bounty.'

She looks over to the innocent captain of the Strawhats. 'So, how much is your bounty, Luffy? Three million? Five million?'

Luffy pouts. 'Fifty.'


Vivi blinks. 'Fifty Belli? Luffy, that's pocket change! What did you do to get...'

'No.' He sighs. 'Fifty million.'

Vivi is struck completely dumb by his reaction. A gentle breeze passes over the decks of the ship. She looks at the crew, who nod affirmatively. The bounty hunter who spent years catching men worth a few million turns back to Luffy.

'I'm sorry, FIFTY MILLION!?!'

'Yeah.'

Her mouth hangs open. 'Whaaaaa!?'

The captain, whose head is worth multiple millions, sulks like a moody child. 'Yeah, it's big. Just drop it, okay?'

'But that's massive for the East Blue!!' Vivi yells. 'The only East Blue pirate that had a higher bounty was the legendary Woonan the Gold!! And he had an Armada! What the Abyss did you DO to get a bounty that high!?'

Luffy frowns. 'Nothing. That's the problem.'

'Nothing!? You did nothing to get a fifty million bounty!?'

'I didn't do what they gave me the bounty for!' Luffy protests. He grumbles to himself. 'If I got my bounty for something I did, it'd be okay, but getting the blame for something I didn't do is an insult. I'm just waiting till I get a real bounty.'

Vivi gapes like a fish for a few more seconds before slapping herself with an iron hand. 'Okay. New plan.’ She addresses the crew. ‘Luffy hides on the ship, and we all play dumb about knowing him.'

'Hey! Wait a minute!' Luffy shouts.

'Luffy?'

'If we use this Eternal something, then we'll be skipping over islands we could be exploring!' He realizes, completely forgetting his previous foul mood. 'We'll miss parts of our adventures!'

'...'

'...'

'...well? Are we going to miss out on fun islands if we use the Eternal what's it?' Luffy asks with concern.

'Um, well... That is true.' Vivi admits. 'But is avoiding danger and taking the fastest route really a bad thing?'

Luffy shakes his head in pity. 'Usopp, she just doesn't get it.'

'Yeah.' A voice echoes from below deck. 'Islands are a man's adventure! No brave warrior of the sea would avoid danger; they'd rush towards it!'

Luffy nods. 'Exactly. So no skipping parts. Captain's orders.'

'But...'

'No Vivi! No skipping parts of the adventure!'

'People are dying, Luffy!'

'People die everywhere.' He crosses his arms defiantly. 'It's no excuse for cheating us out of an adventure.'

'Bu-'

'Nope.'

'I-'

'Nat ah.'

'If you-'

'Not happening.'

'Ugggggg!'

Nami groans, realizing this argument can go on all day. Suddenly, a metaphorical light bulb pops up over her head. 'But, Captain Luffy, we're not really skipping parts.'

Both arguing people look at her.

'We're not?'
'We're not?'

'No!' Nami offers them both a sly smile.

'Once we get to... wherever we're going, we can just use a reverse Log Pose to go back over what we missed.'

'A reverse Log Pose?'

'A what?! Nami, I've never heard...'

'Oh yes. A reverse Log Pose will allow us to go back over any island we missed whenever we want!'

'Really!?' Luffy's eyes sparkle with joy.

Nami nods. 'Of course, Luffy! Would I lie to you?'

YES. Every single person on board thinks simultaneously. Save, of course, one captain.

'Hummmm?' Luffy grunts, closing his eyes. 'So you're sure we can go back, Nami?'

'Absolutely.' She effortlessly lies.

'Mmmmmmm. Well, I don't like it. But if we can go back... I guess it's okay.'

Vivi sighs in relief. 'Thank you, Luffy, this... means a lot to me. Thank you.' She turns to Nami with a quick bow. 'And thank you, Nami.'

'Huh? What did Nami do?' Luffy wonders to himself.

......

Drifting slowly into harbor, the straw hats take in the town before them. It is grey and dusty, done up in a classic western style. Small Pueblos fill the town square of the bay town. Broken down signs hang from dilapidated storefronts. Broken glass from windows and bottles litter the ground, reflecting the midday sun. Dust devils and sandy winds blow through the mostly abandoned town. Only a scant few people walk the streets.

'Wow.' A voice from below decks speaks up over the silence. 'I wasn't expecting a parade but...'

'It's a mortuary island, Usopp.' Vivi says as she throws a loop of rope around a sturdy dock cleat. 'It's not going to be the friendliest of places.'

'An island for burying people.' Zoro grunts as he pulls on the rope. 'I kinda like it.'

Vivi offers a false smile. 'Yes, thankfully it doesn't get visitors these days...most traffic comes from bounty hunters, pirates trying to challenge the Grand Line and the rare people wanting to pay for burials.'

The ship rocks slightly as it comes up against the docks.

'Just make sure to do your errands quickly.' Vivi reminds them. 'The sooner we leave, the better. Mr Cook and the Swordsman can get our food. Nami and I will pick up the bounty and swing by to collect my friend. And while we're at it, Usopp can get some woodworking supplies to finish fixing up the Merry.'

The crew hears a thump below decks. 'Wait!? What? That... uh. Doesn't sound like a good idea, Vivi...'

With confusion plastered on her face, she looks down through a broken crack in the deck. 'Well, I thought you could use some time ashore. You've been repairing the Merry nonstop. In fact, I've barely seen your face the entire trip.'

'...I think... I'll be safer here, Vivi. Thank you though...'

The girl smiles. 'What happened to the brave man of the sea, Usopp? Is an island of burials too scary for you?'

She feels a slap upside the head. 'Hey!?'

Nami lowers the gangplank. 'Leave him alone, Vivi. Someone needs to stay to look after Nojiko. If he wants to stay behind, he...'

'Hey there!'

The crew turns to see Luffy off the boat and talking with a large nun.

'My name is Luffy, and I'm going to be king of the pirates.'

The large eight-foot nun, dressed in a black, full-body habit, looks down at Luffy with a perplexed look. Her dark skin glistens with sweat in the midday sun.

'I'm sorry?' She pants. 'Did you... say you were a-'

'Sister Monday!' Vivi zips off the ship and wraps her arm around Luffy's throat. 'What a surprise to see you here!!'

'Vivi wh-Muuph!' Luffy finds Nami's hand shoved over his gaping mouth.

'Pay no attention to the village idiot, miss!' Nami pleads. 'Ever since his accident, he's... been not quite right in the head!'

'Uuut et en e eeed!?' Luffy muffles out.

Surprisingly, the woman pays little attention to the boy. Her eyes focused on Vivi with a hateful expression. 'So... you're back...'

Vivi nods. 'Yes, our mission was a success! We just need to...'

'Where's Nine?'

Vivi's face falls. 'He... he didn't make it.'

The sister grimaces. 'You sure have... a way of getting your partners killed.' She looks to the disembarking crew. 'If I were you, I wouldn't travel anywhere... near her. But if you want to die... be my guest.'

She gestures out to the dusty town. 'Since you're not flying... the jolly roger, you're not pirates and are welcome here. Just no trouble. And before I forget...' she looks at Vivi. 'Five wanted to talk with you.'

'...did he say why?' The girl lets go of Luffy. Her face shows visible agitation.

The nun spits out a green clump of something. 'How should I know? I don't have a death wish. He just wants… to see you. That's all I was told.'

Vivi looks at the town for a moment. Her fleshy hand shakes before she clenches her fist. 'Fine. Come on, guys.'

'Usopp!' Luffy shouts behind him. 'Watch Nojiko and Merry! I'll bring you back some meat!'

A tan arm pops over the side and waves them off. The crew waves back, and together they walk-

A firm hand lands on Zoro's shoulder. He thumbs his blade from its sheath.

'Wait.' Sister Monday glares at him. 'Not... you.'

'Oh? And here I was, excited to pay a visit to your little town?' He chuckles. 'What's the matter? Do you hate people with green hair?'

She points to a sign. On it, clear as day, are the words "Plague bearers not allowed".

'You're not allowed... in our town.'

'Says the woman so sick she's struggling to breathe.'

She straightens her back. 'Rules... are rules. Leave.'

The group offers a look of understanding.

Most of the group, that is.

'S-Swordsman!?' Vivi steps back in horror. 'You... have the plague?'

'Huh? I thought you knew?' He looks at her from his one good eye. 'Why else would I wear these?' He shows off his bandaged right arm. 'And eat by myself below deck.'

Vivi's eyes widen. 'Usopp... he never came up. And I've never seen Nojiko without... oh gods. I... I just rode on a plague ship!'

Before she can begin to rant, Zoro hears the woman behind him crack her knuckles.

The swordsman glares behind him, his eye keen and sharp as he plays with the grip of his blade.

'...fine.' he fully returns his half-drawn blade to its case. 'We're not here to cause trouble.'

'Moss head.' Sanji says, watching the swordsman walk back up the gangplank.

Reaching the deck, Zoro pulls out his blades and lies against the mast, and sits down for a nap. 'I'll keep the ship safe. You, kids, hurry up with your errands.'

Luffy watches Zoro sit down with a frown on his face.

Noticing Luffy's sad eyes, Zoro waves him off. 'I'll be fine, Captain. Just make sure to bring back some strong liquor.'

He stares for a moment before nodding. 'All right.' Luffy looks at his chef. 'Sanji?'

Sanji nods. 'Consider it done, captain.'

Vivi looks between Sanji and Zoro as though she wants to say something.

'Vivi.' Sister Monday looks at her with a strange look. 'Do your business... and leave. No funny business.'

Vivi watches as the nun walks off. A conflicted look on her face.

'Vivi.' Nami shakes the blue-haired woman's shoulder. 'You good?'

She slaps her hand away. 'Let's just get this over with.' Vivi snaps with a grumpy tone as she walks towards the town. 'The less time I spend around Plague cultists, the better I'll feel.'

......

'I still can't believe you're keeping clucking infected Plague carriers on your ship!' Vivi rants as the three walk into the bounty office.

A lazy fan circles overhead. Posters and requests for murder line the walls. A nun with a lazy look about her, dressed in a full habit, sits behind a barred-off countertop. She watches the party of angry people barge in as she does her nails a brilliant shade of purple.

'What's next? Are you going to invite a few Giants to join you? Fishmen? Maybe some child murders?'

'Are you saying that people suffering from the plague are as bad as Fishmen!? Or worse Giants?' Nami nearly roars.

'If the shoe fits.' Vivi sternly insists. 'They both can't help but kill and hurt others, so I say the comparison is quite fitting.'

Luffy scratches the head beneath his hat. 'I don't think we could even fit a giant on the Merry.'

'Captain, tell this witch off!' Nami points her finger at the blue-haired vixen. 'Tell her she's full of crap! Tell her to take it back, or we'll throw her overboard!'

Luffy looks between the two and frowns.

'Yes, Luffy.' Vivi glares at Nami. 'Please explain to me why you're keeping ticking time bombs on board who could inflict a slow, painful death on anyone they touch?'

Captain Luffy thinks for a moment. 'I don't like anyone insulting my Nakama for something they can't help.'

Nami beams 'Thank you, captain! Hear that? Now take a hike or take back your...'

He places a hand on his navigator's shoulder. 'But I won't break our promise just because I don't like what she says. We're pirates. We should be free to live like we want and say what we want.'

The two women continue to stare angrily at each other. Luffy can practically see the lightning shooting from their eyes.

Finally, Nami sighs. 'Let's just get the bounty and go.'

Vivi glares for a second longer. 'Fine.' She walks over to the counter. 'But we're going to be setting some boundaries once we're back on the ship. I don't want those pusbags infecting anyone.'

Luffy sighs. 'We've taken per... per... Nami?'

'Precautions.' Nami clarifies. 'Why do you think Usopp never comes up on deck? No one on the crew is trying to infect other people.'

'That's what they all say.'

Vivi hits the desk bell. 'Catherina? I completed my job. I'd like to be paid.'

The woman looks up from her nails. 'Done with your girls spat?' She looks behind the bounty hunter. 'Where's your annoying partner?'

Reaching for a small camera on her artificial arm, Vivi pulls out a roll of film. 'Just shut up and get me my payment.'

'Touchy...' The woman pulls open the film cartridge and holds it up to the light. After several seconds, she lets out a chuckle. 'HA! That disgusting whale's finally bit the dust. Gods, I wish I were there to see it.'

Handing back the film, Catherina flashes a grin. 'So how do you want it? Credit? Equipment? Or Belli?'

'Belli.' Vivi taps the counter with her fingers. 'And hurry up. I have another assignment.'

The woman grumbles and stands up. Moving over to a wall, she fumbles with a numbered knob and enters a ten-digit combination (which Nami immediately memorizes). Opening the secret door, the group watches as it swings open, revealing a vault stuffed with treasure.

'You're in luck.' Catherina stuffs a few stacks of bills into a sack. 'Our last civilian guests had plenty of money to burn. So I can actually cash you out instead of giving you that worthless credit.'

Vivi stares at the rapidly filling bag of money, but rather than happiness, the sight causes her distress. 'W-What!? We had guests!? Not pirates?! This island never gets guests!'

The nun sits back down and offers a toothy smile. 'You just missed them. A whole convoy of people arrived about two weeks ago from the East Blue. They claimed they were trying to escape from a plague outbreak there.'

Now it's Luffy's turn to feel emotional distress. 'Do you know where they came from?'

The nun slides open a hinge in the side of the gate and pushes the money to Vivi through the opening. 'You know, I can't remember. Rogue town or something.'

Luffy swallows. His throat is dry. 'Logue town?'

She snaps. 'Yeah! That was it! A bunch of trader families from Logue town. Said they were escaping some woman's cult that took control there. Had a lot of talkative brats with them and almost none of them had the plague, which was a huge plus for us.'

Vivi's organic hand starts to shake against the countertop.

Catherina looks at the bounty hunter. 'So are you going to take the money or should I put it back?'

Vivi grabs the money with her metal arm. Her glare at Catherina is icy cold.

'What's eating you, Vivi?' The nun asks with a mocking tone. 'You show up, down a partner, and jumping at shadows. Are you being a naughty girl?'

Vivi forces herself to calm down, refusing to rise to the nun's provocations. 'I'm just eager to begin my next assignment. Don't doubt my loyalty, or maybe I'll report to our supervisor that you're-'

'Your next assignment?'

Vivi freezes in her tracks at the sound of the voice. A dark shadow falls on her as the light from outside us is obscured by a new arrival.

She and the rest of the room turn to see the man standing in the door frame. The first thing about the dark-skinned man that sticks out is his nose. Swollen, lumpy, and dark purple, the orifice is easily bigger than his head. The twitching tumor resembles a bruised faucet more than a body part, dripping dark green snot over his pink undershirt. His dreadlocks contain small bones tied up in them that look disturbingly like human finger bones. His brown overcoat, covered in grime, obscures his no doubt afflicted body from his wrists to his lower legs. Under the mucus-covered garment, the number five can barely be seen.

'That's funny, Wednesday.' The man adjusts the black shades hanging on his massive, deformed nose. 'I don't remember giving you a new assignment.'

'M-Mr. Five!' Vivi stutters. 'I was just coming to see you.'

Mr 5 flashes a feral grin. 'And I decided to save you the trip.' He picks his disgusting nose with four fingers. 'I'm a busy man, so I thought we'd skip over the pleasantries and discuss... important matters.'

'And I would love to discuss them.' The woman claims. 'I just have to drop off this money at my base, and I'll meet you-'

'Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday.' Mr 5 grips her shoulder and pulls him into his chest. 'Always worrying about useless things. It's just a talk. You can put up your cash after we're done.' He savors Vivi's panic as she tries to push away from the obviously infected mucus staining his coat. 'You wouldn't want to upset me now, would you?'

'Hey!'

He looks around for the first time and notices a young man in a straw hat glaring at him.

'Let Vivi go!'

Mr 5 ignores him. 'Wednesday, who are these clowns?'

Vivi shudders as a ball of snot drips onto her shoulder. 'They're no one, sir.' She tries to push him away. 'Just... some friends I met on my last job.'

'Oh, Wednesday.' The man smiles in a way that is far from pleasant. 'You and your "friends". You keep finding the stupidest pass times, don't you? He hugs her tighter, causing her visible pain. 'I certainly hope you didn't bother them with stories of our occupations or our humble town.'

'O-Of course not!'

'Good!' He lets the girl go with such force she nearly falls over. 'Since you completed your last mission so well, I think it's only fair I debrief you for your upcoming promotion.'

'Pr-Promotion?' Vivi says, rapidly wiping the gunk off her brown vest and metal arm.

Mr 5 nods. He walks over to the exit, signaling for her to follow. 'My office is free, so let's not waste time. Follow me.'

Throwing aside the thoroughly ruined rag, she prepares an excuse. 'With permission, sir, I have other tasks...'

Mr 5 adjusts his shades, showing off his cold brown eyes. 'That wasn't a request, Miss Wednesday. You are to follow me for debrief, that is an order.'

Vivi gestures behind her, 'But surely you don't want our guests wandering around...' She looks frightened. 'Unsupervised?'

The man stops for a minute as if thinking over something. Mucus drips down his enlarged nose and jacket. Then he snaps his fingers. 'Caroline.'

The woman behind the counter gets up. 'It's Catherina, sir.'

'Nobody cares.' He gestures to the two pirates. 'Please show our guests some of our... hospitality.'

He looks at the two guests as Catherina slips between the bars of her locked-off guests. 'Cathy here will show you... people around. Though we're a town specializing in funerals, I'm sure she'll find something to entertain you two lovebirds.'

Nami tries to squeeze past the door, dragging Luffy all the way. 'Actually, we should probably-'

The man's arm slams into the door frame, blocking their only exit. 'Oh, but I insist.' His teeth caked with plaque make his pox-marked visage even more awful. 'Here at Whiskey Peak, we pride ourselves on making sure that all our guests are taken care of.'

'Pistol!'

Luffy's fist connects with Mr 5's face. The obnoxious man's glasses shatter, and blood and snot splatter everywhere. The supervisor of Whiskey Peak flies out of the entrance, shattering the door on his way out.

Luffy stands in the doorway, glaring down at the man with annoyance.

'L-Luffy?'

He turns to a frightened Vivi. 'Sorry for punching your boss, guy Vivi.' He tries to wipe off the bodily fluids staining his outfit. 'But he's trash.'

'Honesty, Luffy?' Nami draws her gun as she gets up. Several armed men emerge from the shadows around them, converging on their location. 'You beat me to it.'

'You traitorous witch!' Mr 5 roars. He clutches his broken nose, dripping blood and other fluids. 'No more subtly!' He raises his fingers in the air.

Nami laughs in his face. 'That was subtly?'

'Luffy!' Vivi shouts. 'Get his mucus off! Hurry before-''

'Die!' Mr 5 snaps his fingers.

The blood and snot on Luffy and the building explode into a massive ball of flame. Screams of agony fill the air as a young woman is burned alive from the blast.

......

'So twenty-five pounds of pork for twenty thousand is the best you can do, huh?'

The man with a white headband nods. 'And that's being generous. Just be lucky we had a supply ship come through, or I wouldn't have any.'

Sanji sighs and outwardly puts on an upset face. 'Fine.' He hands the black-market merchant a roll of bills and, in return, gets a massive package of meat.

The merchant pockets the money. 'Remember. If anyone here asks...'

'You didn't sell it to me.' Sanji groans as he throws the package into a basket three times his size. 'Yeah. I got it.'

Sanji, with a grunt, throws the massive container of foodstuffs and walks away. with the last of the groceries. Out of the vendor’s sight, he begins to grin from ear to ear.

Finding twenty-five pounds of pork? Amazing. Finding twenty-five pounds of pork that didn't have a trace of the Plague?

It was nothing short of a miracle.

He had examined each stringy strip with eyes that would make his old man proud. No tissue swelling, no abnormal fusions between ligaments, no discolorations. It was clean meat, and he had twenty pounds of it to cook with.

Granted, for Luffy, it was a snack, but if he stretched it out and used only the bare minimum, he could do wonders with it. His mind swims with ideas. He could make Hotpot, Pot-au-feu, and even some stuffed tortellini if he could get the pasta to just right.

Sanji skips down the street as he hums a tune from his childhood. Seeing his crew mates happy and full was the greatest joy he could imagine. Soon, the larders would be stocked, and they'd be off on a new adventure with full bellies. He can practically smell the fragrance of cooking meat now.

No. It isn't his imagination.

Sanji sniffs the air, picking up the fragrant smell of sizzling pork. He looks down a street to see a young boy with

short blonde hair wearing a t-shirt with a panda on it. He stands in front of a grill, sprinkling chili seasoning over the kebabs cooking over the flame.

The chef can almost feel his mouth water from the smell.

It seems Luffy's ranting for meat had rubbed off on him, and since he was here...

He walks over to the boy and carefully examines the meat on the grill. The pieces are slender, but juicy, resembling strips of thick bacon more than heavy chunks.

'Can I help you, mister?' The young boy flips the strips on sticks. 'I'm kinda busy cooking for my mom here.'

Sanji chuckles, never taking his eye off the cooking meat. No taint. What were the odds? 'Well, I don't want to deprive a growing kid and his mom of food, but that's an awful lot for two people.'

The kid grunts. 'Our fridges are full, so we gotta cook the leftovers now before they start to spoil.'

And the guy who sold him the pork tried to say they were running low.

'Well, since you're having trouble cooking all that meat, how about I take that piece off your hands?' He points to a thin stick of well-cooked meat to the side. 'And you get fifty Belli?'

The kid looks up at him, obviously not impressed with his low ball offer. 'We're not supposed to sell our food to anyone. Especially strangers.'

The chef shrugs 'Well, I just suggested since you said you had more than you could eat. If you wanted the food you're cooking to go to waste...'

'...five hundred.'

Shrewd kid. 'Hum... a bit too rich for my blood. And since I already bought some meat.' He adjusts the massive basket on his shoulder. 'I don't really need to buy a single stick of that.’ Sanji prepares to walk off. ‘Take care of your mom!'

'...two fifty.'

Sanji turns back around, 'A hundred.'

'One fifty.'

'A hundred.'

'...' the kid sighs and hands him the stick. 'Just don't tell anyone where you got it.'

Sanji hands him a bill and takes the meat on a stick. 'Fingers crossed.'

'Seriously, mister. Not a word.' He looks around at the few citizens milling about. 'I could get in trouble for this.'

Sanji chuckles. 'Fine kid. Keep your secrets.'

He bites into the kebab with a smile.

A smile that instantly turns to disgust. His entire body shudders as an awful, familiar taste assaults his tongue.

'Mister? Is there a problem? The little boy asks.

Sanji slowly turns to him. The chef's eyes are wide.

'Mister? Did you... uh want another?'

The chef slowly pulls the half-chewed meat from his mouth. 'Hey, kid. Where did you get this?'

'Huh?' The kid looks at him with confusion.

'The meat.' Sanji says. 'Where did you get the meat?'

The boy's eyes widen near imperceptibly. Then he smiles. 'Oh! That!' He reaches into his pants pocket, fishing around for something. 'I have the address for the butcher right... HERE!!'

The knife the child swings at Sanji misses his ribs by a hair. Instead, a kick to his throat sends him to the ground.

The boy falls over, coughing blood. 'He, He figured it out!' He screams as shrilly as his lungs will allow. 'Kill him!'

The loitering "citizens" within earshot draw knives and guns.

Sanji drops his groceries and runs.

The food was inedible anyway.

He feels a bullet or two miss him as he runs. Random citizens taking pot shots at the man as he runs towards the harbor.

He had to get Zoro and the ship. Then they could find Luffy, Nami, and Vivi. Then they could get the heck out of this god-forsaken town. Forget the Eternal Pose.

Sanji nearly freezes as he kicks a muscular man wielding a hammer.

Did Vivi know? He suddenly remembers her nervous behavior. The implication that the island didn't get many guests.

She knew.

She knew and didn't tell them.

He knocks out a trio of smelly sword users and sees the harbor in the corner of his vision.

Once he saves them, Vivi will have a lot to answer for.

A cannonball slams into him from above. The earth beneath him shatters and cracks from the force.

Sanji struggles against the weight bearing down on him. It feels like a mountain decided to sit on his back. He struggles to even breathe under the unrelenting pressure.

'So.' A woman with the weight of a boulder sits casually on the chef's back. 'You figured it out. That's an impressive palate there, chef.'

Sanji turns his head to look at the woman grinding him into the dirt.

The tall young woman wears a yellow hat with a short orange brim. Her bright blue eyes and sweet smile adorn her face. However, the most noticeable thing about the woman, besides the fact that she seems to weigh as much as a giant, is her lemon-themed ensemble. She wears lemon earrings, a yellow dress covered in lemon patterns, and a yellow-green parasol with a lemon keychain wrapped around its curved handle.

Sanji feels his ribs bend as she presses her white heels into his vertebrae. He struggles to breathe. 'Can...nib...als...'

The woman laughs. 'My, how perceptive.' She hooks her umbrella handle around the prone straw hat's neck and pulls. 'But you're hardly one to judge. If you recognized the taste, you'd have to have sampled "long pork" at least once in your life. You know what we chefs say, waste not-.'

Sanji grunts, pulling against the vice strangling him. 'Want... not...'

'Still, it’s a shame to kill a fellow... connoisseur of fine meats.' The woman admits pulling harder on her umbrella. 'We could use people like you in Baroque Works.'

Sanji struggles to pull back the umbrella strangling him, even as his vision swims with colors.

An explosion echoes through the town just as the cook loses consciousness.

'And from the sound of it, I think a position or two just opened up.'

......

Zoro yawns, finally waking from his nap to the sound of some commotion in town. Rubbing his eyes, he takes in the gently setting sun, the dusty scenery, the rapidly clearing cloud of smoke...

Hold on.

Zoro rises from his position on deck and looks towards the town. It looks just as run-down as before. But this time, there is a flickering fire burning in the center of it. From the shape of the smoke, it's obvious the flame is on its last legs. Still, it didn't go down without a fight. From the looks of it, the fire took half the town and several buildings with it.

'Usopp?' He stamps on the deck. 'Did I miss something? A barbecue?' He narrows his eyes. 'Another of Luffy's antics?'

'ABOUT TIME YOU WOKE UP!!' Usopp roars. 'I spent hours trying to wake you up, you numbskull!!'

Zoro fights back a yawn and fails. 'Well, should have tried harder!'

'I smacked you in the head with a hammer!'

The swordsman rubs his head. 'So that's why I have a headache.'

He feels the deck beneath him shake. 'Seriously, Zoro!? Luffy and the others are in trouble, I'm sure of it!' He hears Usopp fumble with something below deck. 'If I didn't need to protect the Merry and Nojiko, I would have already embarked on a daring quest to save them.'

'...so you were scared to leave.'

'Damn right!'

'Uuuuuuu!'

Zoro sighs. 'Can't stop anywhere without it being an incident. Fine start from the top. What happened?'

'Well...uhhh.’ The sniper struggles for words. ‘I don't really know.'

Zoro stomps on deck, causing it to vibrate. 'Seriously, Usopp!?'

'Hey! The buildings are obscuring my line of sight. All I could see was a bunch of explosions and a woman in yellow carrying Sanji off!'

The swordsman grimaces. 'That damn cook and his chivalry. One of these days, a woman is going to be the death of him.' He walks over to the gangplank. 'I'll be back...soon?'

Nearly a hundred men, women, and people of indiscriminate gender stand on the pier. Weapons drawn, they lick their blades, coating them in infected fluids that spell a slow, painful death for anyone struck by them.

At the head of the pack is Sister Monday. Her nuns' attire is gone, replaced by a checkered dress with blue and red squares. Ugly green sores, the color of bruises, cover her arms. She slips on two pairs of spiked knuckles and pops a crack in her neck.

'Last... chance to surrender... sniper man.' The woman slurs. 'Turn off... the cannons... and hand over the ship...'

'Uhhhh, did I mention that we're under siege?' The sniper shyly admits.

Zoro looks down at a hole in the deck. 'And you didn't bother to do something about it?'

'Hey! I've been holding them at cannon point for the past twenty minutes! What have you done lately besides nap!?'

Zoro looks down in disdain at the swarm of human refuse. 'And the reason they aren't blown to Davy Jones locker?'

'I only have one volley, you bastard!' Usopp protests. 'I have one shot, then any survivors will swarm my precious Merry!'

'Uuuuuuugggg!'

'See! Nojiko gets it!'

'...Well, I guess it can't be helped.' Zoro draws his blades, two skillful grade katana, Oni and Tiger, and his prized memento, the Wado Ichimonji. Placing the Wado in his mouth and Oni and Tiger in his hands, he prepares himself. ‘It's actually a good thing they brought so many men.’

'Bwa ha he ha he!' A soon-to-be corpse laughs from the crowd. 'Look at the idiot! Didn't his mommy ever teach him he's supposed to put swords in the mouth... the mouth...' He spits up a line of black-green bile.

'Wait... three swords...' Monday gapes. 'Green hair...'

Zoro ties a black bandana around his head. 'More men means... there's more for me to kill!'

Miss Monday, infamous bounty hunter, freezes up. 'It's Roronoa Zoro!!' She screams.

The swordsman beams in happiness for the carnage to come. 'Usopp? Let's greet our hosts with a bang.'

'Got it!' Usopp says with cheer.

'Run you...fools!' Monday pushes her way through the crowd behind her. 'Run!'

'Huh?' A soon-to-be pile of meat looks on in confusion. 'Miss Monday, there's just two-'

Three cannons poking from holes in the side of the Merry go off simultaneously. The front twenty or so bounty hunters vanish into clouds of red mist as the volley of grapeshot reduces them to vapor. The middle ranks scream as arms, legs, and abdomens are perforated by metal rounds as big as fists. The pier cracks as balls of metal shred the deck in several places.

And jumping into the fray, swords raised high, is the pirate butcher of the East Blue, Roronoa Zoro, grinning like a madman.

'Tiger hunt!' Five unlucky bounty hunters are bisected, plague bits and gore splattering over the swordsman's body.

The survivors, propelled by fear of their foe, rage at the loss of their friends, or simple greed for the treasure on the ship, charge the demon.

And they all die to a man.

Arms are chopped off. Heads cloven into two. Bellies split open. Blades shattered. Guns broken. Legs lying in pools of blood.

Five minutes later, Zoro looks around to see that every bounty hunter is dead or desperately wishing they were.

The only thing the fifty men accomplished with their attack was feeding themselves to the local wildlife and painting what remained of the pier a wonderful shade of crimson.

Zoro looks at his handiwork and sighs ‘Too weak. I won't get any stronger fighting these idiots.' He shakes some of the blood off his blades. 'Maybe I'll try my luck on that woman. If she took out the shitty cook, maybe she'll be an actual challenge.'

He offers one glance back. 'Usopp? Are you good?'

He sees a hand with a raised thumb. 'Cannons reloaded, first mate!'

'Uuuuuu!'

'Oh, and Nojiko says she helped too!'

The swordsman grunts. 'Good. Protect the Merry and kill anyone hostile who comes close.'

Zoro looks to the town. He can tell his slaughter hasn't gone unnoticed. The remaining scum is taking defensive positions, posting snipers at every cubbyhole and bunker. They force themselves into enclosed spaces, hoping it will deny him the room he needs to swing his swords. It seems they're prepared this time.

Good.

Zoro raises his blades. 'I think it's time the pirate hunter went hunting for new prey.'