- I can't picture Luna getting mad at Pansy the way you've described.
Why is Luna's inner voice so restrained and levelheaded when so many of the things she says are either nonsequiturs or uncomfortable truths? If Luna is really colloquial-crazy then it would be cool if her thoughts followed that pattern.
- I liked that. I remeber being little, odd, and confused as to who I was. Let me tell you, it wasn't nearly as poetic as that. I like the style of this story.
However, that being said, you need a beta reader. There were quite a few places where the spelling, grammer, or wrong word threw me so badly that I lost track of what I was reading and had to correct the word in my head before I could go on. I've noticed the same thing in your other work. If you can correct these problems, you should see your stories get more readers and better reviews.
If you'd like a beta reader to correct your previously posted work and check over any new work you have, you may feel free to contact me through my profile. Since I do like the style of this story, I would be happy to check for large and small mistakes for you.
Good Luck with your writing.
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