FicWad

Disclaimer: They do not belong to me. I only wish that they did. \n\nNotes: This fic was actually beta read. So a big thank you to my beta reader\n\nI have reached rock bottom. Not much else can go wrong. Sam was back hunting with me for nearly six months before I finally reached the point where I believed he wasn\'t going to leave me again. I even began a relationship with him. A relationship that broke all kind of laws, but it made me happy for the first time in a long time. Hell I even told him that I loved him. I gave him my fucking heart and he ripped it into a thousand tiny pieces. He took away the last bit of trust I had. I hate him, but at the same time I love him. There is this part of me that fears being left by everyone I love or care for. Sam leaving me has just confirmed that fear.\n\n\nDid you really think that\nI would really take you back\nLet you back in my heart\nOoh. No. No\n\nWhen I said rock bottom, I meant it. What else could it mean if I was listening to Whitney Houston? Could it get any worse than that? Hell Robert Plant has done some excellent songs as a solo artist. \'Ship of fools\' being a prime example of his genius. Instead of shoving a tape into the cassette player I switched on the radio. A Whitney Houston song came on and I found myself listening to it. The words actually make sense. The words hold meaning for me. Two weeks ago Sam returned and expected me to welcome him with open arms. I don\'t want to go anywhere near him. It has taken me the better part of two weeks to get though the day without him. Two weeks to rebuild the walls around my shattered heart. I travel from job to job and he follows me. I can\'t turn around without Sam being more than ten feet away. He wants me to forgive him, but why should I.\n\nDid you really think that I\'d still care\nThat there\'d be more feeling there\nDid you think you could walk back in my life. \nSo you found you miss the love you threw away. \nBaby but you found it out too late. Too Late.\n\nHe finally found his balls and sat down opposite me in the corner booth I had been calling home for the last couple of days. Any attempts at conversation were cut short by me. He wanted to talk about how he felt for me. All I wanted to do was kill him. I wanted him as far away from me as humanly possible. I hate the fact he still thinks I care for him. It\'s like he doesn\'t even remember that he left me for some girl he met on one of our hunting trips. He has forgotten that he spent the last two weeks cheating on me. He left me when he swore that he never would and I\'m still meant to care for him. The only reason he dragged his sorry ass away from the skank was a misguided sense of guilt. Hell, it\'s more then likely that the lust thing had gone and burnt itself out. He thinks he can just stroll back into my life and return to what we had before. Well fuck him.\n\nAfter trying to put some space between the two of us I found him leaning up against my impala. He told me that the girl meant nothing to him. He told me that I was the one he wanted to be with and those two weeks with her had made him realize that. My only reply was to get into the car and slam door hard enough to make a point. The arrogant prick still got into the passenger side of the car like it was his God given right. I didn\'t have the energy to kick him out of the car. While I drove he talked and I ignored him. When we came to a stop at the motel I was staying in, I told him that he has pissed away any chance he had left with me. With those words I ordered him out of the car. Once he was out of the car I went into my motel room and left him standing alone in the rain. It didn\'t stop the little shit from banging on the door demanding that I let him in. No amount of whining got me to open the door. It was only with the threat of the police that he finally stopped banging on the door. \n\nAnd so you know the way it feels to cry \nThe way that I cried when you broke my world in two. \nBaby I learned the way to break a heart \nI learned from the best. \nI learned from you. \nOh baby now. \nI learned from you\n\nThe next morning I found him lying outside my motel room. Looking down at him my heart nearly broke at the sight of him looking so vulnerable. Then I remembered what he had done to me. He is anything but vulnerable. He is a cheating bastard who should have his balls ripped off. Instead of waking him up I just stepped over his body and went to the nearest diner for breakfast. The old me would have forgiven him for anything. The new, and more bitter, me doesn\'t really care too much for him. He lied to me and I can\'t forgive that.\n\nI remember cold nights \nTears I thought would never dry \nHow you shattered my world \nWith your goodbye. Your goodbye baby\n\nWhen Sam left me two weeks ago there was no warning. One night we were sharing a bed together and the next morning he wasn\'t there with me. At first I thought he had just gone out to get some breakfast. Then I found the fucking Post-It note. It simply said he had gone and wasn\'t coming back. At first I believed it was Sam\'s idea of a poor joke. He had promised he would never leave me.\n\nWhen there was still no sign of Sam after four hours I knew the note was his version of a \'Dear John\' letter. For the first time in my life I cried and I didn\'t sleep for three days. When I finally slept all I could feel was cold. I had no one to keep me warm. There was no one to help keep the loneliness at bay.\n\nWould\'ve sold my soul then. \nJust to have you back again \nNow you\'re the last thing on my mind.\n\nFor the first week after Sam left I would have given anything, even my own soul to have him back. At the time I wanted him back by my side no matter what the cost. It wasn\'t a case of having him back as my hunting partner. I wanted him back as my lover. I would have forgiven him for anything he had done. Then the anger settled in. Instead of missing his touch I was cursing the very ground he walked upon. After those first two weeks the walls had been rebuilt around my shattered heart. As a direct result I was less caring, but hell, Sam was proof that caring or loving someone leads to a whole world of pain.\n\nNow you say you\'re sorry and \nYou\'ve changed your ways \nSorry but you changed your ways too late.\n\nSam found me in the diner where I was just finishing my breakfast. He actually said he was sorry. I asked him what he was sorry for. I wanted to go into every painful detail. I didn\'t want him to think that saying sorry was going to get me to forgive him. He told me he was scared that what we had went against all kinds of laws. He was tired of hiding what we had from dad and Missouri. He told me that my inability to share my emotions, and my total inability to tell the two people closest to us made him leave. At that point in the conversation it was a toss up between killing him or laughing. I settled for laughter. I told Sam that two weeks into our relationship I met up with dad and told him what we were doing. A week after telling dad I told Missouri and she was happy for us. They were both happy for us. Sam was angry that I had never chosen to tell him that I had told them about our relationship. I wasn\'t going to tell Sam that I had told him what I had done. I wasn\'t the one that had to explain my actions. I instead told him there wasn\'t a relationship anymore, only a slow burning hatred. When I left the diner he tried to follow me, but I just looked at him and he backed of.\n\nSo when all you\'ve got are sleepless nights \nWhen those tears are clouding up your eyes \nJust remember it was you who said goodbye \nWho said goodbye.\n\nTwo weeks and three states later Sam shows up again. I find him sitting in my car. I find him in my motel room sitting on the edge of the bed. He sticks to my side when I hunt the latest supernatural piece of shit. He follows me to the bar where I spend the night getting drunk and dancing with the local guy. A guy that reminds me of what I have been missing for the last two weeks. Sam is there when the guy and I start to do all kind of kinky things in an alley. Sam follows me back to the motel room and I ask him why. I want to know why he left. I want to know when I became less important to him. The silence is deafening. He couldn\'t tell me why and I wasn\'t going to let him back into my heart. When he started crying I felt nothing. I just kissed him on the forehead and told him that it was over. Closing the door on his tear streamed face I should have felt guilty, but I felt nothing but relief.\n\n