Categories > Original > Humor

The Parable of the Large Public University and the Computer Guys

by lolaraincoat 19 reviews

If the guys King James hired to translate the Bible had to use Word, this might have been the result ...

Category: Humor - Rating: G - Genres: Humor - Published: 2005-07-03 - Updated: 2005-07-03 - 731 words - Complete



And lo, she went forth from bondage and wandered in the trackless wastes of the north, and there she sought employment.
And she received employment in the heart of the great university known as the University with the Name that Rhymes with Spork, and there was great rejoicing. The people praised almighty God, for they were much amazed. For jobs, in that time, there were not; and employment was a mighty wonder, and a sign.

And lo, she labored among them, in the barren lands of the north, where the subways ventured not. In the icy blasts of winter she toiled, and thanked God, and did not lose her grade book. And the parking lots waxed fat with cars, and the students complained of their grades, and the syllabi were written, and the budgets were cut, each in their season.

And she lived among them peaceably and was obedient to the command of the department chair, and her employers were well satisfied. And in the season of tenure, yea unto the season of promotion, she was given her portion, and rejoiced, and praised the name of the Lord.

And after five years of employment came the season for the sharing out of the computers, and there was great rejoicing. For the people of that place had suffered a great dearth of hard drives, and monitors, and mice. And she too received her computer; and the computer pleased her well, by the greatness of its screen and the vastness of its memory, which was like unto a mighty ocean.

But lo, even at the moment of the sharing out of the computers, there came the rising up of the tribe of the computer guys, and the servers were crashed, and the passwords made to vanish, and the filenames utterly corrupted, even unto the D partition. And the people were afraid, for no emails could be found, nor could they send the emails away from them, but the emails were scattered like lambs who had strayed. And the people lamented, and prayed to the Lord with fear and trembling.

And lo, the Lord heard them, and he sent unto them a sign, in the form of a firy memo. And the memo spoke unto them, saying,

"People of the great University with the Name that Rhymes with Spork! Peace be unto you.

Your sloth hath angered Almighty God so that he hath cast bad code among you. There shall be viruses, and rumors of viruses; the Lord hath set worms to crawl into your programs also, and computer guys who answer not to voice mails. For who among you hath separated the infected from the uninfected files, like unto the chaff from the wheat? The Lord thy God, hath he not commanded you, saying, thou shalt remember the back-up disk, and the virus protection software, and honor them? And hath not the Lord said, Trust not in the servers of the university? For the servers are the works of the mortal man, and Bill Gates is in them; but back up your files yourself, lest they perish.

But in this hour of darkness, behold! The Lord will show mercy to his people. For those among your people who have been wise, and taken thought to the backing up of many files, to them shall be given the course releases, and the grants, even unto the largesse of George Soros, and thus it shall be for the tribe of the wise and provident, yea, unto the seventh post-doc. And the lowliest of the lab assistants shall be raised up, and given benefits.

And let this be a sign unto all the people of the University with the Name That Rhymes with Spork, that the servers be restored, for Almighty God is merciful. But remember your passwords, and keep them wholy."

Thus spoke the memo of the Lord.

And the people rejoiced, and praised God, and filed his memo. And lo! the servers were restored to them, and they thanked God, for He hath worked wonders. And they were obedient unto the commands of the Lord, and sacrificed an undergraduate to the computer guys. And the computer guys rejoiced also, for the undergraduate was comely; they tended peaceably unto their servers for all the days thereafter. And the song of the modem was heard again in the land, and the people rejoiced, and were grateful.
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