FicWad

Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, nor do I make any profit off of this story.

Author's Note: This is crack. Pure crack. You have been warned. As such, it is dedicated to Luc, who dared me to use the words "boingy, boingy, boingy."

Boingy!:
by: Roaming Fool


It was a beautiful summer morning in Risenbool. The sky was blue, the clouds were white, the birds were singing, and the bitter, aromatic tobacco smoke teased her nose as she sucked gently on the end of her pipe. In fact, everything was perfect in Pinako Rockbell's world except for one tiny, niggling detail.

Her granddaughter was nowhere to be seen. Pinako sighed. They had a busy day ahead of them and if she knew Winry, the girl had stayed up all night to work on some of the new parts that had just been shipped in yesterday.

"Winry!"she called from the bottom of the stairs. "Winry, are you up?"

A distant crash that sounded like tools hitting the floor made her wince, followed by the faint creaking of bedsprings just before Winry poked her head through her bedroom door and called back down the stairs, "Sorry, Granny! Be there in a minute!"

Resigned to the fact that it would be at least half an hour before Winry was downstairs, Pinako took her pipe outside to enjoy the fresh air. They had a preliminary appointment for a young man who wanted to be fit with automail today. Winry's tardiness meant that they weren't going to get a start on putting together that new piece of automail that was supposed to be shipped out in a week until tomorrow.

Winry finally stepped out into the sunlight, yawning and stretching. "Good morning, Granny," she mumbled as she dropped a quick peck on Pinako's cheek.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." Pinako cast a critical eye at her granddaughter, noting the dark circles under Winry's eyes and the faint mark of a pillow crease on her cheek. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

Winry grinned at her. "Enough. So when is the customer supposed to be here?"

Pinako raised her brows but Winry only continued to smile winsomely at her. "In about another hour. Go back inside and make the living room presentable."

"Yes, Granny," Winry said, and sauntered back inside the house.

An hour later a soft knock came at the door and Winry opened it, saying almost automatically, "Welcome to Rockbell Automail, Mr . . . " Winry trailed off, staring at the man in the doorway.

A young man stood on the porch, shuffling his feet and staring at Winry. "Are you Pinako Rockbell?" he asked, astonishment obvious in his tone.

"What? No, no, that's my grandmother. I'm Winry. Are you Mr. Daniels?" Winry looked at the man with wide eyes and Pinako could appreciate her granddaughter's fascination.

Mr. Robert Daniels was one of those men for whom the only word to describe them was "beautiful." He had a trim, muscled body that suggested his profession was in some sort of manual labor and his face was delicate and pretty, framed by a mass of rich, messy brown curls that fell to his shoulders. His eyes were the clincher, however, thought Pinako. Dark brown and soulful, they gazed at Winry limpidly and Pinako was amused at the flush that had spread over her granddaughter's face.

What was even more amusing, in her opinion, was that Mr. Daniels looked down at Winry and blushed slightly as well. "Just Bob, please, Miss Rockbell."

"All right, Bob."

"Winry?" Pinako asked, coming to stand beside her granddaughter at the door.

Winry turned to her. "Yes?"

"Would you like to allow our customer in the door?"

Winry blushed even more furiously. "Oh! I'm sorry! Please, come in, Bob," she said, opening the door wider and motioning for him to come in.

"Thank you," Bob stepped over the threshold and smiled at Winry.

Pinako's eyes narrowed as she studied the young man in her living room, whom Winry was making comfortable on the couch. She didn't see any missing limbs, not even a finger. Why did this young man need automail?

With her usual brusqueness, she cut right to the chase, interrupting the flirting going on between the two young people. "So, Mr. Daniels, perhaps you can tell me exactly why you need automail?"

"Um - " Bob stuttered, blushing and looking at Winry. "Ma'am, perhaps, could we . . . ?" he trailed off.

"Winry?"

"Yes, Granny?"

Pinako leveled a stare at Winry. "Would you please go upstairs and start the mail-in order?"

"But-" Winry began to protest, glancing back at the handsome young man who was staring at the floor.

Pinako exhaled a cloud of smoke. "/Now/, young lady."

Winry left slowly and with bad grace, glancing over her shoulder and pouting, hoping that Pinako would change her mind. Eventually, however, she left the room and Pianko turned to her customer. "Mr. Daniels?" She spoke his name as a question, inviting him to confide in her.

"Mrs. Rockbell, this is a rather . . . unusual request," Bob squirmed in his seat.

Pinako raised her eyebrows again. "Young man, I don't see any missing limbs. Why do you need automail?"

Bob blushed to the roots of his hair and mumbled something that Pinako couldn't make out. "What was that?"

"I want you to replace my penis," Bob finally managed to say coherently.

If Pinako hadn't been holding her pipe with one hand, it would have dropped into her lap. Certain that she couldn't have heard him correctly, she enunciated, "Would you please repeat that?"

"I-I need you to replace my penis," Bob stuttered.

That was what she thought he had said. "Mr. Daniels? May I ask how long ago you lost your - your penis and exactly how such an accident happened?"

"Well, you see, that's just the thing," Bob's voice was hesitant and soft. "I haven't lost it. I just need you to replace it."

The only thing Pinako felt capable of doing was staring. "Let me see if I understand you, Mr. Daniels. You are asking me to replace your penis with automail?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"/Why/?"

Bob hands twisted in his lap, his knuckles turning white. "It's . . . it's too small."

Pinako was absolutely speechless as she stared at Bob.

He shifted uncomfortably and continued, "It's . . . it's really small. You see, I never had a real girlfriend before but last month this girl that I liked and was dating decided that we wanted . . . we wanted to take our relationship to the next level, you know?" Bob's speech was rushed, words tumbling on top of each other as he frantically tried to tell his story as quickly as he could.

"I see. So, you were dating this girl and the two of you decided to hop into bed together. Go on," Pinako encouraged. Some of the shock had begun to wear off and she was torn between amusement and horror at where the thought this story was heading.

Bob looked at her, his brown eyes seeming to plead for her to understand. "Well, she and I were, well, you know, and she-she . . . she laughed at me."

Bob resembled a kicked puppy at that moment and Pinako had a strong urge to kick this girl, who it seemed had inspired this handsome young man to come to her and ask her to /replace his penis with automail/. Instead of allowing her anger to show, however, she simply listened, waiting for him to spill the rest of the story.

"She said-she said that she just couldn't," Bob's voice had begun to break and Pinako tactfully looked away as he wiped a tear from his cheek. "She said that it didn't go 'boingy, boingy boingy,' the way that it's supposed to. Then she started talking about how cool it would be if I could just get it replaced with automail; she said you could make it collapsible and everything so that I wasn't walking around with a giant hard-on constantly . . . "

Pinako had heard enough. She was torn between being furious with the girl and trying desperately not to laugh as the words "boingy, boingy, boingy," kept repeating themselves over and over in her head.

"Young man. Do you know exactly what automail surgery entails?"

Bob had stopped blushing and his eyes were wide and guileless. "No."

In her mind, Pinako smiled a smile so evil that it would have given Bob pause if he could have seen it. She kept her face perfectly blank, however, as she sucked on her pipe. "To do what you're asking, the first thing I would have to do is castrate you."

Bob turned pale as Pinako continued. "Not only would I have to remove your penis, I would have to remove your entire genital area to make room for the port. After that was completed, I would have to fuse the nerves in your groin to the automail; that is a process that you must be conscious for."Bob was well past "pale"and had turned a rather interesting shade of gray. "Also, I can't use any kind of anesthetic during the procedure. It's quite common for grown men to scream if they're simply having an arm or a leg replaced. The groin has even more nerves and, while I've never replaced a penis before, the sheer amount of nerves would mean that you'd be in surgery twice as long as any other type of attachment."

"My girlfriend didn't mention any of this," Bob mumbled.

Pinako felt a moment of pity for the boy, but she continued anyway. Heaven forbid that this insane bitch convince him to go somewhere else. She was going to have to discourage this young man from ever thinking about something this insane ever again. "Automail also doesn't allow for any external sensation. In essence, Mr. Daniels, you would never have sex again."

"I-I see. Um," Bob shifted protectively and Pinako gave him credit for not cupping his balls outright. "But," he looked Pinako in the eyes for the first time, "it's still too small. What am I going to do?"

Pinako sighed. "Strip."

"Excuse me?"

She pulled the pipe out of her mouth and looked straight at him. "I'm going to give you a second opinion. Don't worry. I've seen plenty of them. Now strip."

"I'm not sure-" Bob looked extremely uncomfortable for which Pinako didn't blame him one bit.

"Don't think, young man. Just do it."

Bob stood, obviously uncomfortable, and began to unbutton his pants slowly. Pinako repressed the urge to roll her eyes. There was no reason to make this young man any more uncomfortable than he already was.

As it turned out, nothing she could have done would make him more uncomfortable than the sound of Winry's footsteps echoing down the stairs as she called, "Granny?"

Bob rushed to rebutton his pants and Pinako caught his wince as he must have gotten his penis caught in his haste.

"Winry Rockbell! Go back upstairs this instant!"

The footsteps stopped. "I just needed-"

"Right now!"

Winry's grumbles could be heard as clear as day, but thankfully she trudged back up the stairs.

"As for you, get those pants off, mister! Now!" Pinako ordered.

Bob flushed, but obeyed, stripping the pants off and standing in the middle of Pinako's living room, stark naked from the waist down.

Pinako looked at him, clinically examining her young customer's penis. She considered herself fortunate that she didn't have to bend over; with her height, she was just about level with his waist. "And about how far do you come out when erect?" Bob blushed again but held his hand out about where he would be, if fully erect. Pinako nodded. "I see. And about how big around?" Bob again demonstrated and finally she was able to tell him to cover himself back up.

She sucked on her pipe once again and tried to think of a polite way to say what she needed to tell him. His eyes were on her and she finally decided to simply tell him straight up and to hell with sparing his feelings.

"Your girlfriend doesn't know what she's talking about."

Bob blinked. "I don't understand."

Pinako blew the smoke into the air and tapped the lip of the pipe against her cheek. "I've seen bigger, but there's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with your girlfriend." She could see Bob bristle and held up a hand to cut him off. "Wait here."

Leaving Bob in the living room, she disappeared into the basement workroom and grabbed a key from a small shelf Winry didn't realize was there, so far. There was a lone cabinet in one corner. Pinako unlocked the bottom drawer and considered the selection of automail parts, selecting the largest before relocking it.

She puffed her way back up the steps and saw Bob shuffling nervously as he waited for her. "I suggest you give your girlfriend this." Pinako handed the object to him and chuckled at his confusion.

"What is this?"

Taking a long draw of her pipe, she blew a smoke ring into the air. "That is what I've nicknamed a B.O.B. Give that to your girlfriend and tell her she can either be satisfied with that, or go look somewhere else."

Bob's eyes were wide as he studied the dildo that he had to hold with both hands. "But . . . "

"Butts are for sitting. That is for fucking with. Now go on, get out of here, and I don't ever want to hear anything as crazy as replacing your penis with automail ever again, young man!" Pinako jabbed the lip of her pipe lightly at his stomach. "Automail isn't for people to play with. It's a long, painful process and should only be used if there's some kind of impairment. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't need automail. Now go on, Mr. Daniels."

Bob looked at her and Pinako noted with satisfaction that there was guarded relief in his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with me?"

"No, Mr. Daniels. There's nothing wrong with you."

For the first time, Bob smiled and his eyes sparkled with happiness. "Thank you, Mrs. Rockbell. Um, how-how much do I owe you for . . . this?" he asked, holding up the dildo.

"You don't owe me anything, young man. Just tuck that in a bag," Pinako handed an old canvas bag to him, "and be on your way."

He slipped the dildo inside it and grinned. "Thanks, Mrs. Rockbell!" With a final smile, he ran out the door and Pinako was left standing in the middle of her living room, shaking her head with amazement.

"Granny? Can I come down now?" Winry called, irritation making her voice shrill.

Her pipe was out of tobacco. She passed the steps and saw Winry at the top of the stairs with her arms folded under breasts just beginning to develop and she felt a moment's sadness at the thought of her granddaughter becoming a woman so soon. "Come on down, Winry."

Winry stomped down the stairs with bad grace. "So, when do we get started on his automail?"

"We don't."

"What?" Winry cried.

Pinako studied the tobacco-less end of her pipe and shook her head, walking into the kitchen for more. "I managed to talk him out of it."

Winry studied her grandmother. "But, why?"

Thinking of the automail dildos that she kept down in the basement for some of her more "exotic" customers, Pinako shook her head as she refilled her pipe. "I'll explain it when you're older."

"But that'll be forever!" Winry pouted.

Pinako gazed at her girl for a moment. At thirteen, Winry had begun to look more like the woman she would become. Blond hair glinted in the sunlight that streamed through the kitchen windows and turned her hair into a thick, golden halo. Blue eyes set in a delicate face looked at the world frankly and honestly. Some of her coltish awkwardness had disappeared and her figure was looking as though it would resemble her mother's voluptuousness.

"It'll be sooner than you think." Pinako reached up and patted Winry's cheek, remembering her star-struck reaction to the unfortunate Mr. Daniels. "Too soon for me."

Winry bent down and bussed Pinako's cheek. "I love you, Granny."

"You too, darling," Pinako blinked back sudden tears and put a bit more snap into her voice. "Now, since we don't have to worry about Mr. Daniels, we'd better get to work on the other order. Did you finish assembling that parts I asked you to last night?"

Winry's eyes sparkled with excitement. "Yes, I did! I even finished . . . " Winry continued to chatter and Pinako listened as she followed her granddaughter into the workroom. She still had plenty of time.

It was days like this that she was very grateful Edward Elric was nowhere around. She wasn't as young as she used to be and setting traps for amorous, experimenting teenagers was hard work. Winry would be safe for a few more years.

Fin