FicWad

I sat near the phone in waiting,
feelings jumbled - I had so many things to tell you.
All I needed was the phone to start ringing
& then we could start mending
everything that we lost along the way.

I sat near the phone in waiting,
smiling at the things I would tell you.
Did you already hear?
I am getting better at sleeping
& the marks on my arms are healing.
All I need is for the phone to ring
so I can tell you I'm actually mending.

I sat near the phone in waiting,
my nervous twitching returning.
You said you would call at 11:30.
Now - two hours later- I still sit in waiting.
My smile is gradually fading
& everything that I wanted to say
is slipping from my mind - I can't remember.

I sat near the phone in waiting,
forcing negative thoughts out of my mind,
you would call, you promised you would,
I just had to wait - that's it.
My smile returns as I think of everything I am going to tell you;
I'm actually eating;
I don't need the pills;
I stopped the drugs;
& I'm mending.

I sat near the phone in waiting,
my smile was gone - you were gone
& never returning.
You wouldn't be there to pick me up in the morning;
You wouldn't be there to give me a kiss for atonement;
You gave up on me and lied to get me to do this.

I sat near the phone in waiting,
I was shivering again,
and my ribs were showing.
I'm not eating anymore,
& I'm popping pills every morning.
I use heroin, meth, and cocain again,
because they take me away from the pain that I feel;
Of being abandoned;
Of returning to everything;
Of being worthless & not worth remembering;
Of being forgotten & abandoned.

I'm doing everything again, mommy.
But, in the end, nothing matters;
because I'm not existent anymore,
because I'm dying again mommy,
...& this time I won't stop it.