Categories > Anime/Manga > Love Hina > Top Banana

Part One

by Lord_Raa 1 review

Kaolla needs a favour. AU/divergent fun from your fiend, Lord Raa

Category: Love Hina - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [!!] [?] - Published: 2006-11-03 - Updated: 2006-11-03 - 3492 words


Top Banana

By Lord Raa


Disclaim-me-do: Plastic chairs at the ready!


Part One...


Keitaro swallowed nervously as he prepared to knock on Kaolla Su's door. It wasn't that he disliked the girl, or even the task of rent collection. No, it was the blonde's habit of testing out things on him.

"Su, are you in there? I know it's late, but I need you to sign the rent book to say that you've paid for this month," the brown haired student asked through the door.

Feeling brave and stupid, the third year ronin opened the door.

"Su, are you in here?"

"Keitaro!" a voice that sounded a lot like Kaolla's, only a lot more sultry and almost...needy? "I'm up here on the roof, perhaps you could spend some time playing with me...?"

"...Su, are you alright? Is something the matter?" Keitaro asked as he poked his head out of the window and looked upwards to see the Molmoleese princess's adult form reclining in the crimson light.

"Don't be so shy, Keitaro, how can I sign the book if you don't bring it up to me?"

The landlord sighed as he realised that Su wasn't going to going to make this easy for him and climbed out onto the roof.

It was there that he noticed what Kaolla was "wearing". "Su, shouldn't you be wearing something more... suitable for your current form?"

Keitaro was referring to the seifuku that was somehow preserving Kaolla's modesty. The tanned girl's temporarily increased bust size was straining the cotton shirt to the point that the hapless Urashima thought he could see the outline of her nipples and the skirt, while physically the same length, seemed shorter because of the long, slender legs that were sticking out of them.

"It's no good, I'm going to have to take off these panties," Kaolla sighed. "They're just not sitting right. Next time there's a Red Moon, I'll try wearing a thong."

"S-s-s-s-s-su!" the bespectacled man stammered when he saw the bronze-skinned beauty stand up and remove her underwear. "Please, stop doing that!"

"Oh hush, silly," the shapely woman smiled as she approached her target. "I need to talk to you about something important..."

"W-what's that?" Keitaro gulped when he saw Kaolla press her white cotton panties into his hand.

"I need to know if you're willing to do something to help me. It's a big thing to ask of you, but I really, really need your help, Keitaro."

"O-ok, what is it?"

"I had some bad news earlier. My brother, Lamba, was at a party in the Palace and well, the details are sketchy, but they think he was bitten by Amalla's crocodile when he was messing around with a male guest," Kaolla replied. "The guest was killed and Lamba had his man-bits bitten off. I guess that Shiro really doesn't like yaoi."

"That's terrible. I'm so sorry to hear that, Su. Do you need anything from me?" the landlord asked, ready to bend over backwards to help the blonde beauty before him.

"I need a husband."


"I need a husband soon, or my parents and my government will try to arrange a marriage with 'a suitable man'," Su explained with a sigh. "I want to get married eventually, but I want to choose my husband myself. And the sooner I'm married, the sooner everyone back home will calm down about succession."

"I see," Keitaro nodded. "And you want me to help you find a husband. I don't really know anyone that would be suitable for a princess, but I'll do what I can, Su. You have my word on that."

"Silly Keitaro, I've found my husband, I just need you to marry me..."

"I can't marry you, you're too young!" the manager of the Inn insisted.

"Would you rather see me in a loveless marriage, Keitaro?" Kaolla asked deviously. "I thought you were my friend."

"I am your friend, but why would you choose me? I'm a normal guy! Well, bad luck aside," Keitaro added with a mumble. "A princess should marry a prince, isn't that how things go?"

"But you're more fun than any man I know. And I think you're cute, so please, Keitaro, I need you," the princess insisted with a breathless, pleading whisper.

"O-ok," Keitaro caved in when the blonde grabbed his hands. "I'll help you."

"Thank you, Keitaro," Kaolla smiled warmly as she placed his right hand on her left breast. "This is something that you'll have to get used to."

The ronin's protests were cut off by a kiss from the princess. Half way through the kiss, some thick cloud cover blocked the light from the moon and Kaolla was turned from her sex goddess's body back to that of a normal, cute teenager's, breaking the connection between the two.


"It happens when I'm cut off from the light from the Red Moon," the blonde explained. "It's another reason why I don't want someone picked for me - despite all our teasing, we know you're not too bad. What if the person they pick for me only wants me for my young body?"

Keitaro froze as his mind thought about an old perverted man abusing Kaolla, making her do all sorts of unspeakable things.

"No... I can't let anyone take advantage of you, Kaolla," the hapless youth declared. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that he still had a hand on her breast.

"Really, Keitaro? Well then who stops you from groping me?" the tanned girl asked with a teasing smirk.

The ronin looked to where his hands were.

"GAH! I'm sorry, Kaolla, I didn't mean to," Keitaro insisted, his head bowed in apology.

"It's ok, Keitaro, I forgive you because you're going to be my husband," Kaolla smiled as she gave her landlord a quick hug. "But you can't keep my panties."

"GAH! I'm sorry, Kaolla!" as the manager of the inn stepped back, he lost his footing and fell 3 metres to the ground. "Ow..."

Su jumped down to check on her friend and future Prince Consort, inadvertently flashing him as she landed. "Keitaro, are you alright?"

"Su, you might want to put these on before the other's get here..." Keitaro suggested as he handed the girl her panties.

"Oh, ok," Kaolla smiled.

Just as the princess was pulling up her underwear, Naru and Motoko arrived on the scene.

"Su-chan, are you all right? This little deviant didn't hurt you, did he?" Motoko asked with a growl.

"No, well, he did touch my boob, but that was an accident," the blonde answered honestly.

"Hentai! I knew we should've thrown you out when you lied to us," Naru seethed loudly as she prepared her famous Naru Punch.

"No, wait, I can explaaaaaiiiiiinnnnn........" Keitaro protested as he disappeared into the distance.

Kaolla sighed. "I did say it was an accident, Naru. Anyway, it's bed time. Motoko, can I sleep with you tonight?"

"I... if you must," the kendoist relented. 'I suppose that it's better than Su-chan sleeping with Keitaro...'


In Motoko's room, Kaolla Su was happily snuggling up to her roommate. It was a bit of a surprise that the kendoist managed to get to sleep at all seeing as how the blonde's hands had a habit of wandering while she slept.

Kaolla had rolled on top of Motoko and began rubbing her cheek on the bound breasts of the Shinmeiryu heir, eliciting a soft moan from the human mattress.

"Ohh, Keitaro-sempai you're so gentle with me ..."

"Keitaro-baby, I'm so glad we're getting married soon. That way I can taste your man-banana...," Su mumbled happily. "I know I shouldn't, but I've been peeping on you while you're in the bath and getting changed."

"Sempai, I have a confession to make; I've been a bad girl!"

"Hmm, Keitaro," Kaolla mumbled as her right hand slid down the left side of Motoko's well toned torso and brushed against the kendoist's thigh. "Keitaro-baby, your wife is legal in both Japan and Molmol..."

"Keitaro-sempai, please, not the belt! I beg you, use your hand to discipline me!" Motoko mumbled loudly.

Suddenly two pairs of eyes snapped open.

"Keitaro-sempai?" the blonde asked.

"Keitaro-baby?" the swordswoman countered, a heavy blush on her cheeks.

"I asked first," Kaolla said, her arms folded across her pyjama clad chest. "Are you having naughty dreams about Keitaro?"

"I...I do not have naughty dreams about perverts!" the raven haired girl protested, her blushing face practically giving the room a red glow. "And what do you mean by 'your wife is legal in both Japan and Molmol'?"

"I've asked Keitaro to marry me," the princess answered. "I'm going to be asked to marry someone soon, and I don't want it to be some creepy old man or someone boring."

"'Better the devil you know', as they say? Well, I can't approve of such a thing. I mean, you're barely even 15 and Keitaro is 21. If you were to wait five years, then it wouldn't be so scandalous," Motoko insisted.

"I think you're jealous that I've seen his man-banana," Kaolla smirked. "It does look tasty..."

"He flashed you?!" the kendoist demanded, ready to unleash divine justice on a certain young man.

"No!" the genius insisted. "I peeped on him a couple of times when he was in the bath. Why, are you jealous that I've seen Keitaro naked?"

"I'm not interested in that deviant," Motoko spluttered in protest. "How can you say such things, Su?"

"Well, someone was dreaming about being spanked by their sempai," Kaolla smirked.

"Don't mention a word of this to anyone," the kendoist hissed. Her face softened. "Please..."

"Ok, but you'll owe me a favour," the blonde grinned evilly.


In the morning, Keitaro was subdued as he ate his breakfast. He knew that it was only a matter of time before Su dropped her bombshell; he just hoped that the others wouldn't want to skin him alive.

"Everyone, I've got an announcement to make," the hyperactive blonde said halfway through the meal. "I received some bad news from Molmol yesterday."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Su-chan," Shinobu said sympathetically.

"Yeah," Kitsune nodded, as did the rest of the table.

"What happened?" asked Naru.

"My brother, Lamba, had... an accident at a party and he won't be... continuing the Royal Line," Kaolla said sadly. "And because of that, my family will be trying to arrange a marriage for me."

"Oh my," Shinobu squealed happily, "you're getting married?"

"Yep," the princess nodded.

"So, do you know who it's likely to be?" Haruka asked. "Sometimes these arranged royal marriages don't end too well."

"There is no divorce on Molmol," Kaolla smiled.

Keitaro squirmed in his seat.

"But don't worry, I've met the man I want to marry," the blonde beamed happily.

Keitaro continued to squirm in his seat.

"So without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to my future husband and Prince Consort, Keitaro Urashima!"

"WHAT?!" the residents of the Inn chorused. They turned their attention to the bespectacled young man who was trying to make himself as small a target as possible.

"What did you do to her, you pervert?" Naru demanded, her eyes burning with righteous anger. "When did you defile poor Su-chan?!"

"I didn't do anything to her! Honest," the ronin insisted.

"Keitaro's right."

"Pardon?" Keitaro asked looking around to see who it was that was sticking up for him.

"Keitaro hasn't 'defiled' Su-chan," Motoko reluctantly admitted having gotten between the irate girl and the target of her anger. "At least that's what she told me last night."

"But he groped her chest last night!" the fiery tempered girl shot back. "How do we know he isn't forcing her to keep quiet with threats of perversion?"

"Because he's not, Naru," Kaolla insisted. "I picked Keitaro because I knew that he wouldn't force me to do anything I didn't want to. Besides, I don't know anyone who's as much fun as Keitaro!"

Shinobu was rather quiet during this revelation as she thought about how her friend had just declared herself not only a rival for the affections of her sempai, but his future wife. The blonde noticed this and smiled at her.

"You can visit us anytime you want to, Shinobu. I'm not stealing Keitaro away from you, you know," the princess said cheerfully. "Or from anyone for that matter."

Motoko overheard that and blushed lightly. Standing up, she excused herself and left to meditate before her training session.

"Well then, Keitaro, when are you going to tell your mother about this?" Haruka teased.

"..." Keitaro sighed. "How am I going to tell them that I'm engaged to a 15 year foreign princess?"

"You'd rather tell them that you're already married to said 15 year old princess and that they missed the wedding?" the elder Urashima countered.

"... You make a persuasive argument, Haruka-san," the ronin sighed. "I'll tell them after Kaolla's told her government. That way I won't have to phone them up a second time to say I'm not getting married."


King Mamba Su the First, the current king of Molmol sat with his advisors and wives to discuss the passing away of Amalla's fiancé.

"As much as I hate to put upon Kaolla, I think that it's time that we started to look at potential husbands for her," the grey-haired monarch said to his wives. "Amalla needs time to grieve, but I'm not getting any younger and I can't risk the line of succession."

"I know, Your Majesty, I shall look at the male offspring of noble houses of Molmol," said the Prime Minister.

"Thank you, Kawanru," the King smiled as the phone started to ring. Picking it up, the heavy set man spoke into the mouthpiece. "Molmol Royal Palace, King Cobra the First speaking."

The rest of the room rolled their eyes at the way their head of state answered the phone in his irreverent manner.


"Hi, Kaolla, how's it going?"

"¬I'm fine, in fact, I've got some good news for you,¬" the blonde teenager answered happily.

"What's that, Kaolla?" the king asked with hope in his voice.

"¬I've asked a nice man to marry me.¬"

"You've asked a nice man to marry you, that's nic-" the grey haired man paused when his daughter's words sank in. "You're getting married? When? To whom?"

The phone was wrenched away from the king by Kaolla's mother. "Kaolla, this is your mother, is this true? Are you getting married?"

"¬Hi, mum! Yeah, I'm getting married. It's to Keitaro! You know, the funny man with the glasses.¬"

"Keitaro? The man that looks like Lamba? Why him?" the voluptuous woman demanded. "He kept tripping up every five minutes."

"¬Yeah, but he's so much fun! I mean, you wouldn't believe how much damage he can take! Plus he's pretty cute,¬" the young princess gushed.

"No," the blonde queen said sternly. "You will not marry that man."

"¬And why not? Don't I get some say in who I marry?¬"

"Of course you do, Kaolla, but you shouldn't marry below your station," Queen Mary Su replied. "I want you to be happy, but you have to think of the position you're putting yourself and the Royal Family in. What would the people think if you married some regular person?"

"I think it'd be gas!" the hitherto silent brunette piped up. "Remember that these guys come from noble lines. Well-bred isn't a million miles from inbred!"

"Lolla, do you mind, I'm trying to stop my daughter from making a mistake!" Mary shouted across the table.

"¬Marrying Keitaro wouldn't be a mistake, Mum, marrying some perverted old man who's trying to get his hands on the throne would be!¬" Kaolla replied.

"Oops, you weren't meant to hear that part," the older blonde winced.

"Here, give me that," Queen Lolla Su sighed as she took the handset from her co-wife. "Hi Kaolla-sweetie, it's Lolla here. What's this I hear about you asking that Keitaro man to marry you?"

"¬I wanted to be the one to pick my husband,¬" the princess answered. "¬Besides, you said you thought he was cute when I sent you that picture of him.¬"

"I did?" the brunette asked with a shrug. "Are you sure about this? I mean we need to continue the lineage, is he able to father children? He's no good to us if he can't, you know."

"¬How would I know, we've not been having unprotected orgiastic sex here at the Inn,¬" Kaolla protested.

"Oh, well, would you like me to test him out for you? I'd be happy to take one for the team," Lolla smiled. "And there's nothing worse than two inexperienced virgins on the wedding night."

"¬I'll think about it, Lolla,¬" the young blonde said, her eye twitching.

"Well, you just remember to bring him here for the wedding before too long, or I'll come over there and bring you back myself!" the curvaceous brunette instructed. "And do you really want me to do that?"

"¬Don't worry, I'll bring Keitaro soon; I just need to sort a few things out at this end.¬"


Back at the Hinata Inn, Keitaro was working out what he was going to say to his parents. The ronin scratched his head in frustration and sighed.

There was a knock on his door.

"Come in."

"Hi Keitaro, how's it going?" Haruka asked as she took a seat next to her nephew.

"I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to say to my parents. They're not going to be happy if I just come out and say 'by the way, you know your son, the one you kicked out? Well he's getting married to a foreign princess soon', now, can I?" the landlord asked tiredly.

"No, I don't suppose you can," the smoker said. "I suppose that you'd be better off telling them the truth: that a nice girl asked you to marry her."

"Yeah, I think you're right. Thanks Aunt Haruka," Keitaro smiled.

"That's Haruka-san, baka," Haruka chided as she gave her nephew a clip round the back of his head.

"Sorry, Haruka-san," said the bespectacled young man. He stood up and walked to the phone to give his parents the good news.

"Hi Dad, how's it going?"

"¬What do you want, Keitaro? Your mother said you can't have any money.¬"

"Well, it's nice to speak to you, too, Dad. I was calling to tell you some good news. A girl's asked me to marry her," Keitaro explained.

"¬WHAT? You haven't knocked her up, have you?¬"

"NO! I haven't done it with anyone!" the ronin protested with a blush. "She asked me to marry her so she wouldn't have to have an arranged marriage with someone she didn't know."

"¬What's she like, son?¬" Mr. Urashima asked, having calmed down.

"She's nice. She's a bit younger than me, but she's important in her country."

"¬'Her country'? And just where is her country?¬"

"She's from an island in the South Pacific, Dad," Keitaro explained. "And before you and Mom complain about me marrying a foreigner, she's a princess. I'm going to be Prince Consort of the Kingdom of Molmol."

"¬...I'll put your mother on.¬"

There was a silence for a couple of minutes, then Keitaro's mother picked up the handset. "¬Keitaro, what's this I hear about you having an exotic girlfriend?¬"

"Hi Mom," the landlord greeted. "Her name is Su and she asked me to marry her last night."

"¬I'm glad to see that you're becoming responsible at last, Keitaro. I didn't want my grandchildren born out of wedlock.¬"

"Su is not pregnant with my child, Mom!" Keitaro said forcefully. "She just asked me to marry her so she could choose her husband, rather than have the Royal Family of Molmol choose it for her."

"¬'Royal Family of Molmol'? Is your girlfriend a princess? Why didn't you tell us about her earlier?¬"

"Because she wasn't my girlfriend earlier this week, she was my tenant that also happens to be my friend. It was last night that she asked me to marry her out of the blue," the young Urashima sighed.

"¬I see, well, I'm glad that things are finally looking up for you, Keitaro. I knew you'd do us proud one day. Imagine that, my son the prince of an exotic island paradise! You would be able to get us free holidays there, won't you?¬"

"Yes, Mom, you, Dad and Kanako will be able to come over for holidays," the ronin sighed tiredly.

"¬You sound tired, Son. Is everything ok? Are you eating ok? You're not having trouble sleeping are you?¬"

"I'm fine, Mom, I'm just a little overwhelmed because this is happening to me so quickly. I've got to go now, tell Kanako I said hi, ok?" Keitaro said perking up slightly.

"¬Ok, Son. Take care now.¬"


To be continued...

Well, what do you think to that?

Crap, I know, but you'll get over it. I certainly have.

Pre-read by Chi Vayne and previewed on Hawk's Forum, like most of the crap I churn out these days.
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