Categories > TV > Red Dwarf > Stroke Me A Zipper
"Halt, sirrah!" the guard cried, brandishing his neutron sword threateningly.
Ace ducked under the sword and grabbed the guard by the armpits, throwing him into the two remaining guards. They went down like living ninepins, clattering on the polished marble floor. Ace ran past the pile of moaning and, doubtless, highly pained guards. He pelted up the broad, velvet-covered staircase, down a corridor lit by fusion flame torches in titanium sconces, and broke down the elaborately carved syntho-wood door with his shoulder. He stumbled into the room, rubbing his suddenly very sore shoulder. He made a mental note to do that with his foot the next time.
Three handmaidens who had been bathing in the porcelain tubs set around the room jumped up, squeaking, and grabbed various bits of towel and dress to hold over their nudity. They took a good look at the intruder, and the bits of covering fell to the ground again. "Oh, hello!" said one, shaking the ringlets of brown hair that cascaded over her bare shoulders and tickled pert pink nipples.
"Hello," Ace replied, rubbing his shoulder and trying to keep his gaze above their necks. "I'm looking for the kidnapped Princess Bonjella. You wouldn't happen to have seen her, would you?"
The brown-haired girl turned to exchange a look with the honey-blond girl. The latter replied, "Oh, she's been rescued already."
The brown-haired girl nodded in agreement. "Yes, just a few minutes ago."
The third girl, dark of skin and black of hair, looked Ace up and down for, he judged, the thirtieth time, and said in a deep, husky voice, "I need rescuing..."
"Oh, yes!" agreed the blond. "I do, too!"
"We all need rescuing!" added the brunette. "We hate it here!"
"It's just terrible!" confirmed the blond, walking over to Ace and running one finger up and down the fur collar on his flightsuit. "You must rescue us all, right away!"
"Erm," Ace cleared his throat loudly, feeling like the situation was getting a little bit out of his control. "Whose raiding party rescued her?" It had been his job, and he felt there was a certain ethic involved in finishing it. Not that another bout of sex with Bonjella would make much difference, one way or the other. She still pretended to be a virgin, despite the fact that sex with her was like throwing a spanner down one of Red Dwarf's personnel corridors. She did have a certain talent for oral, however.
"No raiding party," the brunette replied, walking over to Ace and starting to feel his arms. "Just one fellow."
"A rather dreamy fellow in a flightsuit..." the brunette replied, her eyes unfocusing just a little as she fondled his collar.
"Not half as dreamy as you," the black-haired girl purred, taking Ace's crotch firmly in hand.
"Oh, no!" the blond replied, snapping back to the present and licking Ace's neck.
Ace sighed. There were few libido-killers as effective as annoyance, and he was annoyed at whoever this person was who had beaten him to what was rightly his rescue. Had the king of War World hired some twonk in a flightsuit to rescue his daughter? No, he had hired one Arnold "Ace" Rimmer, who was sharper than a hedge trimmer, thank you very much! He pushed aside the fondling hands. "Right. Back to what you were doing."
The girls fell back with a harmonic chorus of "Awwww..." Ace turned, picked up the door, walked out of the room, and set the door into the jamb at a precarious angle. He then ran down the corridor in the other direction. If he could not rescue the Princess, he could bloody well kill the Evil King Mantibius. Then call it a day, and go have a drink in the D-J ship. Listen to a little Hammond Organ music, since his own organ would be unoccupied, thanks to whoever had intruded on his mission.
The door to the King's bedchamber was hanging by one hinge. Ace pushed it aside. A man stood in the middle of the room, his face hidden. He was wearing a shiny vermillion flightsuit, and held the Princess Bonjella in a cradle-carry. His face was hidden because the Princess was busily necking with him rather passionately. Ace looked to the bed with resignation; sure enough, the King was lying on it with a sword sticking out of his chest, looking very, very dead.
It was a bit much. Ace drew himself to his full height and barked, "Look here!"
The man broke the kiss with Bonjella and peeked around her. Sebastian/, Ace thought, then /Lister/, and then the man dropped Bonjella onto the ground with a /thud and a squeak. "Ace!" he cried, his face breaking into a broad grin. He strode the two steps between them with flair and wrapped Ace in a brotherly hug.
Oh, smeg/, Ace thought, /I'm supposed to know this fellow. Then he almost choked as the man ran his hands lower and squeezed Ace's buttocks in a way his brothers had certainly never done.
"Look, miladdio," Ace said, weakly, "my bread isn't buttered on that..."
"Aw, you can cut that out," the other man interrupted, his grin not slipping. He jerked his head at where Bonjella lay on the ground, struggling to sort out her limbs. "She doesn't care."
"Oh... well, good." Smeg it all, neither the previous Ace nor the Computer had told him anything about this. Ace felt a very Rimmerish sense of bemusement and helplessness.
"How have you been?" The other man had not let go of Ace, and Ace, for lack of anything better to do with them, put his hands on the other man's hips. "I gotta tell yeh, it's been just smegging nuts for me. Last week..." Something buzzed at about crotch-level, and Ace jerked back with a squeak.
"Oh, smeg it all." The other man pulled a small buzzing black box out of his pocket and looked at one side of it. "Emergency in Dimension 9662. You know those Degoians!" He winked. "I'll tell you what. Take the lovely Princess here back to her dad, and I'll finish this in a jiffy and meet you at the Degenerate Tavern just down the street from the royal palace. Say, three hours? Plenty of time for you, eh?" He winked again, then jumped out of the window, caught a cord that stretched from it to the ground in one hand, and slid down to a waiting red motorcycle like a garish red comet.
The Princess Bonjella watched the man leave, and then turned back to Ace, smiling wanly and blowing a lock of her disheveled hair out of her face. Ace palmed his forehead and sighed.
Ace ducked under the sword and grabbed the guard by the armpits, throwing him into the two remaining guards. They went down like living ninepins, clattering on the polished marble floor. Ace ran past the pile of moaning and, doubtless, highly pained guards. He pelted up the broad, velvet-covered staircase, down a corridor lit by fusion flame torches in titanium sconces, and broke down the elaborately carved syntho-wood door with his shoulder. He stumbled into the room, rubbing his suddenly very sore shoulder. He made a mental note to do that with his foot the next time.
Three handmaidens who had been bathing in the porcelain tubs set around the room jumped up, squeaking, and grabbed various bits of towel and dress to hold over their nudity. They took a good look at the intruder, and the bits of covering fell to the ground again. "Oh, hello!" said one, shaking the ringlets of brown hair that cascaded over her bare shoulders and tickled pert pink nipples.
"Hello," Ace replied, rubbing his shoulder and trying to keep his gaze above their necks. "I'm looking for the kidnapped Princess Bonjella. You wouldn't happen to have seen her, would you?"
The brown-haired girl turned to exchange a look with the honey-blond girl. The latter replied, "Oh, she's been rescued already."
The brown-haired girl nodded in agreement. "Yes, just a few minutes ago."
The third girl, dark of skin and black of hair, looked Ace up and down for, he judged, the thirtieth time, and said in a deep, husky voice, "I need rescuing..."
"Oh, yes!" agreed the blond. "I do, too!"
"We all need rescuing!" added the brunette. "We hate it here!"
"It's just terrible!" confirmed the blond, walking over to Ace and running one finger up and down the fur collar on his flightsuit. "You must rescue us all, right away!"
"Erm," Ace cleared his throat loudly, feeling like the situation was getting a little bit out of his control. "Whose raiding party rescued her?" It had been his job, and he felt there was a certain ethic involved in finishing it. Not that another bout of sex with Bonjella would make much difference, one way or the other. She still pretended to be a virgin, despite the fact that sex with her was like throwing a spanner down one of Red Dwarf's personnel corridors. She did have a certain talent for oral, however.
"No raiding party," the brunette replied, walking over to Ace and starting to feel his arms. "Just one fellow."
"A rather dreamy fellow in a flightsuit..." the brunette replied, her eyes unfocusing just a little as she fondled his collar.
"Not half as dreamy as you," the black-haired girl purred, taking Ace's crotch firmly in hand.
"Oh, no!" the blond replied, snapping back to the present and licking Ace's neck.
Ace sighed. There were few libido-killers as effective as annoyance, and he was annoyed at whoever this person was who had beaten him to what was rightly his rescue. Had the king of War World hired some twonk in a flightsuit to rescue his daughter? No, he had hired one Arnold "Ace" Rimmer, who was sharper than a hedge trimmer, thank you very much! He pushed aside the fondling hands. "Right. Back to what you were doing."
The girls fell back with a harmonic chorus of "Awwww..." Ace turned, picked up the door, walked out of the room, and set the door into the jamb at a precarious angle. He then ran down the corridor in the other direction. If he could not rescue the Princess, he could bloody well kill the Evil King Mantibius. Then call it a day, and go have a drink in the D-J ship. Listen to a little Hammond Organ music, since his own organ would be unoccupied, thanks to whoever had intruded on his mission.
The door to the King's bedchamber was hanging by one hinge. Ace pushed it aside. A man stood in the middle of the room, his face hidden. He was wearing a shiny vermillion flightsuit, and held the Princess Bonjella in a cradle-carry. His face was hidden because the Princess was busily necking with him rather passionately. Ace looked to the bed with resignation; sure enough, the King was lying on it with a sword sticking out of his chest, looking very, very dead.
It was a bit much. Ace drew himself to his full height and barked, "Look here!"
The man broke the kiss with Bonjella and peeked around her. Sebastian/, Ace thought, then /Lister/, and then the man dropped Bonjella onto the ground with a /thud and a squeak. "Ace!" he cried, his face breaking into a broad grin. He strode the two steps between them with flair and wrapped Ace in a brotherly hug.
Oh, smeg/, Ace thought, /I'm supposed to know this fellow. Then he almost choked as the man ran his hands lower and squeezed Ace's buttocks in a way his brothers had certainly never done.
"Look, miladdio," Ace said, weakly, "my bread isn't buttered on that..."
"Aw, you can cut that out," the other man interrupted, his grin not slipping. He jerked his head at where Bonjella lay on the ground, struggling to sort out her limbs. "She doesn't care."
"Oh... well, good." Smeg it all, neither the previous Ace nor the Computer had told him anything about this. Ace felt a very Rimmerish sense of bemusement and helplessness.
"How have you been?" The other man had not let go of Ace, and Ace, for lack of anything better to do with them, put his hands on the other man's hips. "I gotta tell yeh, it's been just smegging nuts for me. Last week..." Something buzzed at about crotch-level, and Ace jerked back with a squeak.
"Oh, smeg it all." The other man pulled a small buzzing black box out of his pocket and looked at one side of it. "Emergency in Dimension 9662. You know those Degoians!" He winked. "I'll tell you what. Take the lovely Princess here back to her dad, and I'll finish this in a jiffy and meet you at the Degenerate Tavern just down the street from the royal palace. Say, three hours? Plenty of time for you, eh?" He winked again, then jumped out of the window, caught a cord that stretched from it to the ground in one hand, and slid down to a waiting red motorcycle like a garish red comet.
The Princess Bonjella watched the man leave, and then turned back to Ace, smiling wanly and blowing a lock of her disheveled hair out of her face. Ace palmed his forehead and sighed.
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