Categories > TV > Red Dwarf


by Roadstergal 0 reviews

A little Season VII pre-SMAC silliness. Lister is having a bad week.

Category: Red Dwarf - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2006-11-17 - Updated: 2006-11-18 - 629 words - Complete

click /click/ fumble /click/ "Smeg."

The small plastic piece fit onto the other plastic piece just /perfectly/, Lister could see - but it refused to stay. Some perverse stubbornness made him keep slotting it in where it belonged, hoping that somehow, the properties of matter would change for just a moment, and the two parts would meld, the bit he was holding staying put as he let go.

He let go. It fell. He caught it. "Smeg!"

Footsteps sounded behind him. "What's the problem, Listy?" Rimmer's nasal, officious voice put Lister's teeth on edge.

"This bit jest broke right off." Lister sat back in the pilot's seat with a sigh.

Rimmer flared his nostrils as he bent down to look at the joystick, as if Hoovering up data about the break. "Goodness me, Listy! That's the third thing you've broken this week, isn't it? The chair leg when you were putting your feet up on the midsection table, the handle of the teacup, now this..."

"Fourth," Lister sighed. "I snapped a lace on me boots this morning."

Rimmer straightened and rested his left elbow on his right hand, putting his slender left forefinger to his lips in a gesture that Lister was sure Rimmer designed just to annoy him. "My, /my/, we are accident-prone, aren't we? Do you suppose it might be... retaliation?"

Lister swiveled the pilot's chair and wrinkled his brow as he looked up at Rimmer. "Retaliation? What're yeh on about, man?"

"Well, there was the matter of the hydrogen destabilizer we found on that last derelict." Rimmer shook his head. "I told you not to play with it."

"I was jest tryin' to make me lager head stiffer! Besides, whot's that got ta do with things breakin'?"

"Hydrogen destabilization!" Rimmer swung his hands behind his back and laced them together. "That's a bit of hubris, there, isn't it?"

"Hubris?" Lister asked, frowning. "Wasn't she that stripper back on PintStein Bar on Europa? Whot's she got to do with this?"

Rimmer sneered. "Hubris! It's the pride that leads to downfall! You messed with the basic laws of the universe, Listy, and now they're retaliating!"

Lister tossed the piece of joystick aside, swinging back to face the viewscreen. He didn't know why he bothered to try to understand what Rimmer was talking about, ever. "Or maybe I'm just havin' a bad week. I'll find some Photon Glue and stick it back together later."

Rimmer leaned back on the console so that he was still in Lister's field of vision, his arms crossed in front of him. "Whatever you say, miladdio - but if I were you, I'd be careful what I chose to touch in the next few days."

"Oh, I am," Lister replied, brightly. "I was kinda worried about whot I might do to meself if I wanked, so I borrowed Rachel."

Lister enjoyed the subtle changes of muscle tugging that added up to Rimmer's face falling like a brick. "You... what?"

"Yeah, man." Lister leaned back. "I figgered you wouldn't mind, me with this string of bad luck and all."

"You... didn't."

"She seemed all right and all at the end. I mean, I heard a little hiss, but it might not have been her. It might have been Krytes doin' the laundry - that pipe near your bunk always hisses when..."

Lister trailed off as Rimmer's face changed rapidly from crestfallen to enraged, and the hologram made a blue blaze of motion back to Starbug's living quarters. Lister grinned. Well, he might be having a bad week, but he wouldn't let it spoil his fun.

He considered for a moment, then stood and ran after Rimmer. He didn't want to miss the hologram's face when he saw what Lister had done to his secret cache of sexual lubricant.
Sign up to rate and review this story