Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Cobwebs On My Zipper
Second time in two weeks Pete goes over there...
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Reviews
Cobwebs On My Zipper
(#) whatkatydid 2006-11-30
Hello you, are you ready for your first review?? Here goes:
1) GREAT START, seriously, I know nothing about proper photgraphy but I'm guessing you do because the detail in here intruiging.
2) I absolutely adored the dialogue, it was fresh, realistic and very useful in determing more about Jess's character and her relationship with a Mr Peter Wentz.
3) You used some great descriptive writing, here were some of my favourite lines:
God, would it suck to be a stair. Everyday people would walk all over you, literally, and not once even stop to look at you. Brilliant
Doors surrounded me on both sides and I ignored them all, spare one. A sea green door stared at me with its golden doorknob just longing for some manhandling. Giving up to its seduction I grabbed the knob and gave it a rough jerk around. Again, a fab description. I love things like this.
I'm going to commend you completely for this but I'm also going to make a couple of suggestions.
You're first paragraph is amazing and vital to the scene setting, as people are likely reading this on a monitor you should seperate the thoughts a little, use more room, it's a little cluttered and without sounding insensitive, more difficult to read.
secondly, you're dialgue is brilliant but it would be more brilliant if you seperated it with more space. hese are such minor things but when it flows easier on the eyes, it's much better for the read and this such a great story.
Hope you didn't mind me mentioning that, I just want you to get better than you already are.
Love me?
~K
xxxAuthor's response
Oh, wow, thank you so much. This review was really amazing and helpful, thanks. It's also really hard when you write a story you really like and literally no none reviews it. I've had that happen to me and it sucks so thank you so much for keeping me from that again.Cobwebs On My Zipper
(#) scarrlifigous 2007-04-01
AHH.
I love the way everything seems to flow together!! It's entirley natural, and the characters seem a lot more real than most of the people I've seen on this site.
Likeit. :]]
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