FicWad

The Root of All Evil


Several pairs of eyes snapped to the door as it opened just wide enough for a certain short alchemist to slip through it.

Roy placed his pen back on his desk, glad for the unexpected interruption (why he was being forced to fill out the requisition forms for the buttons of the military uniforms he would never know) and shared a curious glance with Havoc. "Can I help you, Fullmetal?"

Ed, who had closed the door in an uncharacteristically silent and careful manner and had begun inching away from it, flinched violently and /squeaked/.

Roy blinked.

Shaking off his surprise, Ed glowered at him. "The hell, Mustang? You trying to give me a heart attack?"

"I wasn't aware you were so short on courage."

Ed didn't even twitch, causing even Falman and Hawkeye to abandon their paperwork in favour of staring.

"Uh, Edward?" Roy began tentatively, more than a little confused. "Is everything all right?"

The teen waved a distracted hand at him vaguely, making his way across the room while keeping to the walls - and away from the windows, Roy realised. "Sure, fine, great, peachy. Everything's just super. When I die, you can have all my books as long as you take care of my brother."

"Is that likely to happen any time soon?" Hawkeye inquired, her voice sounding both amused and worried.

"Yes," Ed replied decisively, daring a quick glance through the window he was currently standing to the side of. His eyes widened in horror and he dove to the floor. "Definitely." His voice was somewhat muffled due to the fact that he was currently squeezed between Breda's desk and the wall. "You're all invited to my funeral."

"If I demand to know what's going on, are you going to tell me?" Roy asked dryly.

"My imminent death, moron. Where the hell have you been for the past several minutes?"

Roy didn't bother to reply, instead watching with no small amount of amusement as Ed struggled to free himself from being pinned by Breda's desk. Finally, the boy gave up and sighed. "Will someone please get me out of here?"

Havoc stood up and walked over, leaning down with a faint smirk. "You're the one who dove in there, you know."

Ed glared at him pointedly. Havoc grabbed him under the shoulders and dragged him out. "Thanks."

"Why are you going to die?" Fuery asked curiously, tilting his head to the side. "And who, or what, are you hiding from?"

"That's a good question," Roy added, giving Ed an expectant look.

Someone knocked on the door.

Ed paled rather dramatically, jumped over Roy's desk, narrowly avoiding landing on the man and wormed his way under the desk. "Don't tell anyone where I am," he hissed, terror evident in his voice.

Hawkeye opened the door, slightly unsure of what had just happened. She blinked in surprise as she recognized the young woman standing there. "Miss Rockbell! What can we do for you?"

Winry stepped past Hawkeye into the office, examining it with narrowed eyes. "Find me Edward. He has an...appointment...to keep with me."

"Stood you up on a date?" Falman asked sympathetically.

The girl shuddered, a look of pain crossing her face. "Oh please. Ed's like a brother...who I have to kil - I mean...um..."

Roy took a steadying breath, trying to hide his amusement. "What is it that Fullmetal has done to upset you?" he asked, wincing as a sudden pain jolted up his leg. It felt oddly as though someone with automail fingers had just pinched his calf...oh wait...they /had/.

Winry sighed. "It's obvious you haven't seen him then, if you need to ask. He moves surprisingly fast for a guy whose leg is broken in several areas...and the damn jerk keeps running away when all I'm trying to do is /help/!"

There was a muffled snort from under Roy's desk, and he quickly faked a cough to cover it up. "If I see him, you'll be the first one I call," he promised. She smiled, thanked them and left, muttering homicidally under her breath.

The door closed behind her and everyone in the room let out a collective sigh, Ed's the most heartfelt. He crawled out from under Roy's desk and gave a thankful grin. "I owe you guys."

"Yes, you do," Roy agreed mildly. "But I think we'd be quite satisfied just to learn what exactly all this is about."

"You do seem to be unexpectedly undamaged, despite what Miss Rockbell said," Hawkeye pointed out.

Ed gave another sigh and took a seat on Roy's desk as the others gathered around. "Winry is mistakenly under the impression that I have damaged her precious automail, and I'm not sticking around long enough to correct her because I don't want a wrench-induced /concussion/."

"But...why does she think there's something wrong with your leg?" Breda asked, voicing the question on all their minds.

"Because my little brother can be a vindictive bastard when he wants to be, and told her so."

Roy frowned in suspicion. "Why would he do that?"

Ed shifted slightly and attempted to look innocent. "No reason."

Comprehension suddenly dawned on Hawkeye's face. "Would this have anything to do with the...garment that Alphonse was wearing yesterday?"

"/May/be..."

Havoc frowned. "Wasn't Al just wearing his usual loincloth thing yesterday?"

Hawkeye's lips were twitching as she tried not to burst into laughter. "No, no he wasn't. Edward, why don't you tell the boys what you forced your poor brother to do yesterday?"

Ed pouted at her. "Must I?"

"Yes."

"Oh, fine. Yesterday Al was modelling Mustang's much lauded miniskirt."

Fuery, Falman and Breda just about hit the floor laughing, while Hawkeye wasn't far behind.

Roy just smirked at the two men who weren't laughing, while Ed smiled in a faintly bitter way and Havoc's jaw twitched slightly in wry amusement.

Eventually the others calmed down enough to realise that the others weren't laughing, and Fuery even regained his senses enough to ask a question that he felt, in a flash of insight, might explain why. "So what did Al do to you to cause you to do that to him?"

"He laughed at me," Ed stated calmly.

"And me, indirectly," Havoc interjected.

Roy continued to smirk. "I don't know, I thought you both looked very fetching."

Havoc's eye twitched. Ed turned and smiled serenely at his superior officer. "Say anything to that effect again, and I will leave you wishing you were born a woman."

Feeling a little shaken, Roy cleared his throat, but didn't speak any further.

Hawkeye pulled out her gun, stole Fuery's as well, and trained them on the two blond men. "Explain. Now."

They traded a reluctant look, and Roy took the opportunity to indirectly and unwisely apply for eunuchism. "Fullmetal and Havoc were kind enough to model a certain intended uniform alteration for me last week."

Everyone in the room was silent as they either digested this fact or, in the cases of Ed and Havoc, levelled murderous glares at Roy, who shifted nervously.

Finally, Fuery broke the silence. "I hope you took photos, sir."

Roy gave him an evil, triumphant grin. "I used every photography technique Maes ever taught me...and the camera I stole from him a few years ago."

Havoc buried his head in his hands with a moan. "Miniskirts are the root of all evil."

Ed, hands twitching in the direction of Roy's neck, just nodded.



Don't. Ask. Obviously I should not be allowed to play in the FMA fandom. Nevertheless, this is my first foray into it. How'd I do?