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Prologue



"Now boarding 17 A" It was my subway.
"OK honey, are you sure you have everything?"
"Yes mom" I said rolling my eyes
"Well, I'm very nervous it's your first day of junior high!" She said enthusiastically. I smiled. She looked beautiful. Brown hair and green eyes. I took in the smell of her as I hugged her goodbye. That smell of Lilacs and turpentine. How bitter and odd they were together, but yet how it worked.

"goodbye sweetie!" she said as she walked away.
That was the part I hated.
Why did she have to walk away?
She grew more distant.
I began to run to her. I screamed her name I ran, but no matter how hard and fast I ran, I could never catch her.
"Mom!" I shouted as I sat up in my bed. Sweat. I looked at the green glare of the numbers on my clock.
2:43
I ran my fingers through my hair. Of course in real life, on that first day of junior high I just got on that subway. I should have run after her. I should have told her how much I loved her, how much I needed her. I got up and got a glass of water. I checked my cell phone. Two messages.

"Hey Sammy, Are you coming to Derik's or what?"
I deleted it. It was Helga. God, why did she think I would go over there just for Derik and Shawn to hit on me and play cards? Maybe have a few beers. I was sick of it. Sick of parties. Message two.

"Sam, this is Tim, why aren't you over here yet?"
I deleted it and laughed. I never said I would be at this party. Whatever. I called Tim. After three rings he answered.
"Hello?" he said, sounding like he just woke up.
"Hey it's me, why did all you guys want me at Derik's?"
".....Well we were just....Shut up!" he was talking to someone in the background. I heard some music and laughter. "Well, we were board. You can still come."
"It's three in the morning."
"Oh, well nighty night." He hung up. Obviously he was drunk. I looked at the clock.
3:02
"Nighty night." I said to myself in the silence. I crawled back into bed, afraid to go to sleep. Afraid of what I'd dream.


Chapter 1

"Good morning!" said Tessie as I tiredly made my way to the table. She came over and put a plate of eggs and bacon in front of me.
"Good morning and thanks." I replied. She poured me some orange juice. I tied back my hair and got some Advil. My head was pounding. After I was finished eating, I took a shower and put on a blue T-shirt and pair of jeans. I started brushing my hair and looked at the clock.
10:24
I blow dried my hair and put on some eyeliner and mascara.
"Are you going to come with me today, I'm going out to lunch and shopping with Rachel and Polly." Said Tessie in my doorway putting on a pair of ear rings.
"No thanks Aunt Tessie." I replied pulling a sweatshirt over my head.
"Ok."
After ten more minuets she left. I sighed and picked up my cell phone. No messages. I looked through the phone book, until I found Tim Curtis. I pressed select. One ring, no answer. Two rings no answer. Three rings..."Hello?"
"Hey Tim, it's Sammy. Are you still at Derik's?"
"No, I'm at my house. My dad still hasn't come home so I got the place to myself for god knows how long." Tim's dad was a drunk. He once left for two weeks straight.
"Oh, are you doing anything today?"
"...Umm...I don't think so." I could tell he just woke up. He had a hangover.
"Do you want to do something with Helga today?"
"Sure."
"Ok, let me call her and I'll call you back."
"Ok bye." He hung up. Back to my phone book. Helga Trent. I called her. She answered on the fifth ring.
"...Uh...hel...hello?" She had a hangover too.
"Oh my god Helga where are you?"
"...hold on....Derik's....Oh shit! I'm at Derik's! My mom is gonna kill me!"
"Oh my god Helga you spent the night at Derik's? Is he there?"
"Ya, he is asleep on the couch and there is like five other people on the floor, and in all the rooms in the house....his folks are gone for the weekend."
"Oh my god, well do you want to hang out with me and Tim before you die of punishment?"
"Shit Sam! I've got a hangover and my mom is gonna kill me just because she wanted me to baby sit for Abby! God, it's not like she gives a damn about my safety." I heard some people moving around.
"Sorry, I'll see you at school tomorrow." I hung up. I called Tim again.
"Oh my god she's still over there?"
"Ya, she is in deep shit."
"Well, I have to work at three, so I don't have much time anyway." And just like that my plans were gone.
"It's cool, I'll see you tomorrow." I hung up. I sat on my bed and plopped down. I closed my eyes. My cell phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hey, why didn't you come over last night?" It was Derik.
"God, what did you guys do, did anybody not get drunk?" He laughed.
"Sam, you missed a good time."
"Did Helga leave yet?"
"Ya, You know why she stayed right?"
"why?"
"Andy Helman." He said. I could here the grin on his face.
"Oh...my...god! No, wait so your saying she..."
"That's right." He said with a laugh. I couldn't believe it. She started dating Andy two weeks ago. She did this with every guy. They only last a month. God, how could she be so stupid.
"Well, at least I don't have a hangover. Why did you want me over there anyway?"
"Sam, you know why." I could here some laughter in the background.
"You are a low piece of shit, you know that right?" I hung up. That's all he cared about. The only boyfriend I ever had. My cell rang again. I let it ring. I don't know what love is. I'm not sure I want to. I took of my sweatshirt and put on a jacket. I put my cell phone in my bag and walked out the apartment door. Traffic. New York. I loved the city. I grew up in the city, it was the only life I ever knew. I walked to the corner and called for a taxi.
"Where to miss?" a young woman, who looked about twenty, sat at the wheel.
"Central park." I replied.
"You got it." She said. Those were the first words she said to me, I wish then I would have known how much they meant. After about five minuets, my cell phone rang. It was Helga.
"Hello?"
"Hey Sam, you will never guess how lucky I am!" she was talking in a whisper. She sounded much more sober and awake.
"Why? What happened?"
"I came home, and came in, and everyone was still asleep! I guess she forgot to set her alarm! Anyway, I'm in my room so Abby can't hear me, but I get off scott-free!" she laughed. I was relieved.
"Hey, Helga?"
"ya?"
"Did you, umm, stay for a reason last night, over at Derik's?"
"What do you mean?"
"Was Andy Helman over there?" Right then I knew I made a mistake. I wasn't getting her to admit something, but bringing back a horrible memory. She burst into tears.
"Sam! It was bad, I didn't want to, but I had no choice! I don't want to think about it!"
"Oh my god, Helga!" Rape. Oh my god. What a pig, how could he do something like that?
"It's no big deal Sam, It's not like it's my first time. I'm seventeen, come on."
"I know but still, are you ok?"
"Well it's not like I was completely unwilling, but that's not what worries me."
"What?"
"Sam, he didn't...use a..."
"No."
"Yes, that's what scares me." Oh My God! She couldn't get pregnant! No, she would be dead! Her parents would kick her out! She would have nowhere to stay! She would drop out of school, no no no!
"Helga, go to a doctor, take a test, something!"
"I don't know. I just don't want to think about it, I have to go Sam, bye." She hung up before I could say anything more. I scanned down on my phone book. Tim Curtis. I was about to push select, but then I thought, what about Helga? She won't want this spreading around, but she probably isn't even pregnant. But what if she is?
"That comes up to seven fifty eight miss." I looked out my window. Central Park.
"Oh, thanks." I got out the money and thanked her again.
"Have a nice day miss." She said as she pulled away. I sat on a near-by bench. This was crazy. I got up and walked around for a while. There was a child playing on a swing set. A little was swinging from one side to another on the monkey bars. A little boy continuously asked an old woman if she had seen his Kermit the frog toy. She kept saying "Who now dear?" It made me laugh.
There was a blonde woman, about thirty, who was smoking and pushing her two boys on the swing. I wondered if that would be Helga one day. I crammed the thought into a closet in my mind and slammed the door. I only wanted the best for Helga. It was so hard for her. I remembered the first time we met. It was three weeks after my mom died that I went back to school. Most of my friends just stopped being my friend when I needed them most of all. When I passed them in the hall, they would stop talking and give me a sympathetic look. That was the last thing I wanted. Sympathy. Sympathy that meant nothing. They just left my side after my mom died, so I didn't have any friends. After a month back in school, I went to the grocery store instead of sixth period one day. My sixth grade year wasn't looking so good. I was sitting down with my knees up to my face and my head in my arms, just crying in aisle seven. It was stupid, I know, but I had no where else to go. No where else to let out my pain.
Then, from nowhere it seemed, there she was. Helga sat down next to me and started eating a stolen candy bar. I had seen her around in the hall, but didn't know her. She skipped a lot, even at such a young age. I looked up, my face red and tear-streaked. She crumpled up her wrapper after the last bite and shoved it in her pocket.
"You know, I come here a lot and just think. I know you probably want to shoot anyone who tells you there sorry for your loss, but here it goes. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what happened to you. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right. You will never stop missing her, but life goes on. You will be ok." She smiled at me and got up and started to walk away.
"Wait!" I said. She looked back and smiled. She came back and sat down.
"Thank you." She held out her hand.
"I'm Helga Trent." I shook her hand.
"Samantha Hart, but you can call me Sammy." We stayed there for the rest of the school day, just talking. I learned a lot about her. She learned a lot about me. We made a plan that worked perfectly. I got home at the exactly right time as well as she. The next day she said she had to go to a dentist appointment and forgot to sign out and I said the same thing except an eye doctor appointment. We became best friends. Neither of us had any other friends. Tim came into the picture in seventh grade. He was a new kid, and everybody played jokes on him or made fun of him. We gladly welcomed him into our group. He became like a brother to us. Derik was a new kid in eighth grade. Again, like Tim, he wasn't popular and got made fun of. We became friends with him and Derik and I started dating. After two months I found him making out with Taylor Hilary under the bleachers at a football game. I was so upset. Tim and Helga were so mad at him. Not only had he hurt me, but Helga and Tim too. After we broke up, Derik became popular. He stopped talking to us.
Through out our freshman year, he dated the popular girls and ate lunch with the popular people. He was a total sell out. Now, with two weeks left until summer vacation, he tries to be all nice again.
"I miss you guys, especially you Sam." He told us the previous Monday, inviting us to come to his party on Saturday. Tim and Helga believed his garbage, but not me. I didn't want anything to do with him. I exited the park and crossed the street to my home away from home. Just Seattle. It was My favorite coffee shop in all of New York. I walked in, the sweet scent of Columbian vanilla greeting me.
"Hello Sammy, the usual?" asked Polly, one of my friends and a Just Seattle employee, who saw me almost everyday.
"Uh Huh." I said with a smile. "Hi Steve." I said to another one of my friends who worked there.
"Hey Sammy." He replied. Polly started the blender that contained my iced mocha caramel latte. After I paid three twenty-five, and said goodbye to Steve and Polly, I walked out and drank my coffee. I called for a taxi. I got in to see the same woman that took me to Central Park. I was surprised at the coincidence.
"Hello again miss." She said with a smile.
"Hi, Can you drop me of where you picked me up?" I asked.
"I sure can miss." She said. I finished my coffee and got out at my apartment. I went around to her to pay, and after I gave her the money and thanked her, she said, "I'm sorry about your mother miss."
"What?" I said in shock.
"Have a nice evening miss." She said and drove away. How did she know about my mom? I got out my key and got into my apartment. Tessie wasn't home yet. I was so confused and dazed about everything. I fell on my bed and closed my eyes. I breathed slower and slower until the day drifted away.

(to be continued...)