FicWad

This fic one of my many Golbez fics, and the only one that I've approved, even slightly of. I'm quite embarrassed really, after such magical works as The Colour of the Soul, and Coming of the Darkstar, and Dark Moon (Property of DTitania, Aywren and Cyhirae, respectively) I mean, however am I supposed to come anywhere near those? I'm not even going to try! But, I'll give an insight into my Golbez, anyway. This story is a one-shot set in Golbez' head when he's on the way to fight Zemus with FuSoYa. But, from the summary,I'll bet you already gathered that!

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing in this fic. At all. Not even Golbez. Not even the not mentioned pretty green tapestry on the Lunar-cave wall.

By Sorceress Ash.

The current cave we're in is airless and damp, but at least it's warmer than the previous one closer to the surface. The Moon is cold, you see. We're not far now; I can feel him in my head. He knows I know he knows we're coming, and he's amused. He's mocking us. He's actually making fun of us, the nerve of him! We have no chance, he tells me, and it frightens me something awful, even though I know that's exactly what he's trying to do. Frighten me, I mean. How wonderful it would be to just sleep right here, in this humid stone corridor and never wake up. I know how powerful he is, and I know how painful it will be to die at his hands, which is why I want to sleep. Just like the Lunarians, excluding FuSoYa. To be blissfully oblivious to what's happening, to not have to fight, or to live with my guilt, or to be afraid.

I can hear my newly found uncle's voice in my ears as clearly as I can hear Zemus' in my mind. He may be trying to reassure me, or he may be trying to reassure himself. I get the feeling that silence makes the man uncomfortable. His words fall on unwillingly deaf ears. I can't be reassured, FuSoYa! Why are you wasting your breath? He has stopped talking now, which, I guess is a good thing. He should save his energy for Zemus. Useless energy, of course. I know this is the end for us, whatever happens with Zemus, I know we'll be killed.

Even if I could be reassured, no amount of reassurance could take away these suffocating feelings of fear. Yes, surprise, surprise, Golbez, the man of Darkness is afraid, and rightfully so! This is the man who took over my mind, manipulated my hatred, made me do terrible, terrible things. The man who took my childhood away from me with one swoop of his gnarled blue hands. This is the man who had both my mother and my father slaughtered whilst my baby brother slept, blissfully unaware. Bahamut, I wish I could sleep!

I should still be raring to go, raring for my revenge, but I'm not. Revenge is one of the only things I want, but also one of the only things I'm frightened to try and obtain. The other is forgiveness. Even more impossible to obtain than revenge is forgiveness. I'm so terrified!

I'm terrified of Zemus, terrified of death and, perhaps most silly of all, terrified of the people of the Blue Planet. Will I be taken control of again? Will death hurt? If I go back to the Blue Planet, will I be burned alive, just like all the other 'evil' mages? I know I couldn't take that, even though so many people would say I deserved it.

I'll bet even FuSoYa would agree that I deserve death, but I never wanted to do any of this! I didn't want to hurt so many people, I didn't want to disrupt the Blue Planet's natural balance by taking the crystals, I didn't want to hurt my own brother so much. It was Zemus. All Zemus. Certainly, I had the hatred, but it was towards Zemus, not Cecil, not all of those innocent people! Zemus made me hate, and then multiplied it and twisted it until I hated them instead of him.

I suppose, I've always been jealous of those people. They've all had such normal lives, and I have barely even lived, despite my thirty years!

I won't be forgiven by anyone. Especially not Cecil or Kain. Kain hated, and I did to him what Zemus did to me. Directed his hate to Cecil.

I've been dealt a useless card by the dealers in the card game of "life". Useless, that's all you are now, Golbez Ya, I tell myself. Your life has been an unfair card game, and Zemus is about to win.

Please, Bahamut let my demise be quick, or else, let me sleep.