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A/N: I don't own Gravitation

#11 gardenia


Déjà Vu


There was something about the smells of a hothouse that made Eiri feel ... uncomfortable. The scents of all those blooming flowers and living things literally assaulted him when he stepped in out of the cold, leaving his mind reeling with a bizarre sensation of déjà vu. He turned to leave, only to be stopped by Shuichi's hand on his arm.

"Where are you going?" Shuichi asked, looking at Eiri almost cautiously. Did his current state of surreal lightheadedness show on his face?

"It's too hot in here." Eiri grumbled, taking a step back and trying once again to turn towards the door. "I just need some fresh air."

By some miracle, Shuichi let him go back outside without an argument. "I'll pick out the flowers if you'd like." He smiled and kissed Eiri's cheek. "You can wait outside."

He stood watching for a moment as Shuichi moved deeper into the hothouse, reaching out and tentatively touching the delicate blooms. Seeing his lover bending and smelling the rich fragrance made him feel a tiny bit better.

Still it was too hot. 'Outside' his mind prodded, and his body willingly followed. When the cold fresh air hit him, Eiri immediately felt better. He went to sit on a bench near the entrance, bringing his jacket tighter around him to ward off the chill. He could see Shuichi through the glass wandering through the plants and flowers, a small smile on his face.

Someone opened the door and a waft of warm, sweet smelling air enveloped him. His head felt dizzy as the overwhelming sense of déjà vu returned. Eiri bent so his head was almost to his knees, trying to catch his breath.

What the hell?

A niggling thought kept just out of his grasp, like a small fish in a pond that keeps swimming though the net. He was a smart man; he made a living from the recesses of his mind - yet he couldn't conjure a single thought that was plaguing him. He stood and moved farther down the path, away from the door and the eluding fragrances.

Shuichi found him leaning against the car, smoking a cigarette and lost in thought. "Sorry it took me so long." Shuichi apologized, holding out a potted plant. "I couldn't bring myself to buy cut flowers, they fade so quickly, so I figured I'd get something that Mika can plant outside in the spring. They're gardenias, and I think they're supposed to mean joy. I figure joy pretty much sums it up, so..."

Shuichi stopped talking and shot a look of concern in his lover's direction. Eiri was looking at the pot of flowers like he'd never seen one before. "Yuki? Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine." Eiri answered gruffly, opening the car and getting inside. He cranked up the heat as Shuichi got himself settled with the potted plant resting on his lap. The car was filled with the sweet scent of gardenia and it was messing with Eiri's head. "What is that again?"

"It's gardenia." Shuichi answered, inhaling the fragrance from one of the small yellow flowers. He looked at Eiri and his face fell. "You don't like them."

"They're fine." Eiri said, driving out of the parking lot and towards the hospital. His sister had given birth to his first nephew, and Shuichi insisted they visit her in the hospital. Eiri could care less about the baby, it was just going to be this wrinkled, red thing and he didn't know if he could fake nice, even for his sister.

The smell of flowers was seeping into his brain, making him feel anxious and on edge. They reminded him of something, but for the life of him he couldn't remember what. It was driving him insane.

Visiting hours hadn't started when they reached the hospital, but Eiri didn't care, he fully intended to get this over with as quickly as possible. He really wanted a drink right about now, and Shuichi could either walk home or go out with him, it didn't matter to him either way.

Trying to cover his fowl mood, he smiled when he saw Mika resting in the bed with the baby sleeping peacefully at her side. "How're you feeling?" He asked, sitting in the chair next to the bed, leaving Shuichi to stand.

Mika looked tired. "Like my kid has a huge head." She said with a smirk, trying to embarrass her brother. "And they don't tell you when you take the breastfeeding classes that baby's are born with razors for gums - I think my nipples are going to fall off."

"Sounds fun." Eiri said with a snicker, "You should have ten more."

Shuichi set the plant on the small table next to the bed and beamed at the baby. "He's beautiful."

"He looks like a raisin." Eiri muttered, peering at the baby.

"Yuki!" Shuichi glared at him before smiling apologetically at Mika. "We brought you a gardenia. I remember how pretty your garden was the last time we visited, and I thought it would look nice."

Mika looked at the plant and her smile faltered. Reaching for the pot she held it in her hands and inhaled the strong, sweet scent. "You picked this out Shuichi?"

"Yeah." Shuichi said, quickly adding, "The hothouse made Yuki uncomfortable, so I picked it out. Is it okay?"

"It's beautiful." Mika looked at Eiri with a sad smile. "Mom loved gardenias. Do you remember how the garden smelled in the summer? I swear I could smell them in my dreams."

Eiri's eyes widened slightly and he nodded. The niggling thought clicked into place, and he felt relieved to remember. "She had them planted along the outside of the temple ... to bring happiness to the grieving."

Mika remembered and smiled down at her baby. "She would've liked being a grandmother I think."

Eiri didn't respond as he glanced at the baby and lost himself in thought. His mind started clicking together faded memories of his mother's smiling face and the smell of flowers.

"Can I hold the baby?" Shuichi asked tentatively, trying to break the mood. He felt horrible for picking a flower that would bring sadness instead of joy.

"Sure." Mika moved her legs so Shuichi could sit on the bed and carefully picked up the baby and passed him over. "Make sure to support his neck."

Shuichi took the small bundle and looked at the baby with awe. He was so tiny, and so perfect. It suddenly dawned on him that this baby was half Tohma Seguchi and it put a whole different angle on how he looked at him.

"Want to hold him Yuki?" Shuichi asked, touching the baby's cheek with his finger.

"Not on your life." Eiri said incredulously. "Have him come see me when he's eighteen."

"Nice." Mika said, shooting her brother a dark look. "I think you'll get to be the good uncle, Shuichi - I don't think either of my brothers can handle the job."

"Hear that?" Shuichi whispered to the baby. "I get to be Uncle Shu."

Tohma arrived shortly after, thus ending their visit. Eiri found it creepy how attentive the man suddenly was to his sister, and Shuichi just looked plain uncomfortable. They left to give them some 'bonding' time, and Eiri was relieved to be out of there.

They rode most of the way home in silence - well, as silent as it can be with Shuichi tapping a beat against the window and humming nonstop to himself. Eiri was happy to have the distraction of his lover's random tune. Since the hospital his mind had been overrun with memories of his mother, and the emotions that were getting dredged up weren't entirely pleasant. Eiri loved his mother, he adored his mother, but he also felt so much anger at her leaving him behind. Part of him couldn't help but believe that he would've been a different person, a better person if she'd been around to change things.

"Do you still miss her?"

It took Eiri a moment to realize that Shuichi had spoken, and for the life of him he couldn't figure out what his lover had just said. "What?"

"I asked if you still miss her?" Shuichi shrugged slightly and touched Eiri's thigh.

Eiri opened his mouth to respond, and then snapped it shut again. What could he say? That he barely remembered her most of the time? That he had trouble conjuring her face and had to look at the wrinkled snapshot he kept in his bottom desk drawer? That sometimes he'd wake after dreaming with such a fierce sense of longing for her that he felt four years old again?

"Yeah."

Shuichi didn't say anything else. He patted Eiri's thigh lightly, and kept his hand resting there. It was a warm and comforting gesture and Eiri appreciated it. He covered Shuichi's hand with his own and they continued to drive.

"She would've liked you." Eiri almost whispered, keeping his eye on the road and his voice neutral.

"Thanks." Shuichi kept his voice low. "I'm sure I would've liked her too."