FicWad

Title: Torn

Pairings: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (it could also be a pathway for Remus/Tonks but it is mainly Sirius/Remus)

Summary: It is set straight after HBP. Remus is writing down his thoughts and feelings and how he is torn on what to do.

Rating: R

Warnings: implied homosexual activity, thoughts of suicide

Disclaimer: The original characters come from the mind of J K Rowling. I don't own them and I'm certainly not making any profit from this.

Beta: darklove_zorg (Live Journal and Greatest Journal)

Notes: This was written within an hour and it came out of nowhere. I also like the idea of Remus being bisexual (although I feel that the ship Remus/Tonks is no way near as natural to me as Remus/Sirius is). The fic was originally called "Torn Between Two Lovers" but after going into deep writing, I realised that there was more to this fic than Remus' thoughts of Sirius and Tonks and he was torn between other options so the title was just shortened to "Torn".

Review: Yes please

She loves me.

I don't know why but she loves me.

But I can't love her. I just can't.

Don't get me wrong. She is beautiful and full of life and I won't deny that I feel strongly for her.

But the truth is there is only one person for me. Always has been and always will be.

And he is gone.

My Sirius is gone forever.

How could I make her understand though? How can anyone understand the strong and sacred bond that Sirius and I had? And the pain I felt when he was cruelly taken from me- twice.

All I have now are the memories. The memories of our first kiss. The first time we made love. The countless nights we spent together and the stolen moments we shared.

We were not just lovers, we were soul mates. I knew that the first time Sirius changed into his Animagi form. The Animagi is not chosen freely but rather reflects ones inner soul. When I saw Sirius change into a dog, I knew we would be close.

No one was more hurt than I was at his arrest and imprisonment in Azkaban. I never even got the chance to say goodbye. But I would not believe it. I could not believe it. I spent twelve years hoping and believing in his innocence and eventually my praying was rewarded during the joy of our night together before he left with Buckbeak.

During his last year alive, we spent as much time together as he needed me. He was so depressed. For the first time in his life, he needed me and I was there for him just as he had been for me in the past.

Our last night together was beautiful. Before we were told that Harry was in trouble, we had made sweet love, our moans and cries of passion deafening the constant cries of Sirius' unbearable mother. Having heard her voice over that year, I can see why he was so eager to leave home when he did.

I am grateful that out final private moment together was beautiful and that our final words to each other were that of love, adoration and hopes for the future.

But now there is no future with him.

And now I feel I may have committed the ultimate betrayal- by considering having another come into my life.

Although I have always been faithful to Sirius, I will not deny that I have found myself sexually attracted to women as well as men.

But it's only been a year since Sirius died. Can I really let Tonks into my life?

Every night since the battle of Hogwarts, I have tried to fight my growing fondness for her,

Some nights I just want to end it all. I hold a knife in my hand and I just want to join my Sirius amongst the stars,

But then I think of Harry and the Order who need me now that Greyback has been arrested (oh how I shudder when I even think of that name!) The werewolves out there need a leader to tell them not to follow Voldemort. But sometimes I feel as if I am not strong enough to do this and I could fail.

Still, I have the knife by my side now and once I finish writing this down, I am going to take the knife, go to the window like I have for the past few nights and just stare at the Dog Star, the star of my Sirius and pray for an answer.

Should I join Sirius and be at peace with myself?

Or stand by the War? By Harry? By Tonks?

Keep fighting?

Or surrender my soul?

Maybe tonight, I will finally get an answer.