Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Cobwebs On My Zipper

If Ju Have Zee Money

by ZippersOverYou 2 reviews


Category: Fall Out Boy - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor, Parody, Romance - Published: 2007-01-01 - Updated: 2007-01-01 - 2339 words

Oh-my-god was this fun to write. Bwahahhahahah. Rock on.

back track...please.


"Hey, guys, I'll race you to the car."

The Jewfro with a body tore down the hall overexcitiedly before Jess turned to me and closed one eye suggestively. Smiling, the two of us charged down the hall like a pair of laughing bulldozers even though we'd already lost to our guitar slinging buddy. Both of us managed to tumble down both flights of stairs without drawing any blood, a miracle.

We limped out the front door holding each other up with bruised arms as Joe stood against the passenger side of the car with a cigarette dangling in between his lips.

Seductively, he released a cloud of carbon monoxide and spoke with a heavy French accent,

"I've been waiting for you. Do you have zee shit?"

I tilted my chin up to the white moon and worked my own French accent,

"If ju have zee money."

Jess stared at us with raised eyebrows and confused smiles,

"Riiiight, guys."

Joe helped her out,

"Just smile and nod, smile and nod."

Smiling and nodding, she opened the door to the back seat and jumped in, literally. With much less enthusiasm, I plopped myself into shotgun and Joe hopped into driver.

Joe twisted and turned until the engine roared to life while Jess laid her elbows on both front seats,

"So, boys, where we headed?"

JewFro Joe turned around to back out of the crooked parking spot and managed to respond,

"Well, we have to get you some clothes, missy, so I was thinking of Victoria's Secret."

The image fluttered into my head and I couldn't help but smile a bit. Unfortunately, Jess noticed and smacked my shoulder lightly,

"What are you smiling about, Stump? I think we should get you some stuff from Victoria's Secret."

Our driver growled sexily,

"Ohhh yeah, that's so much better. I can just picture it now: Patrick in some garder belts and some white lace. That's what I like to wake up to."

The blonde behind me lay her elbows on the storage device between the seats,

"How'd you make that noise?"

From the depths of her smooth throat, she tried to imitate it, but failed. Joe teased her with the sexual noise constantly and I couldn't help but laugh at their growling competition.

"It's a guy thing, sweet cheeks. I'll bet Patrick can do it."

Simultaneously, both faces turned to mine and I looked up towards the ceiling, almost laughing from the pressure.

"Grrrr..." I tried with negative amounts of luck.

"Ohhh!" Jess taunted Joe who was frighteningly quick with a response,

"Well there's a solid explanation for that: Patrick's not a guy. Pat's sexy and sensitive so both genders cancel out."

Grasping a dead newspaper article, I proceeded to beat him,

"Don't call me Pat!!"

He leaned away from me and jokingly swerved the car in the middle of the empty road,

"Ah-hah! I love how that's what he focuses on in that sentence."

Shaking my head, I threw a 'that Joe' look back to Jess who simply smiled at me.

Within several minutes, the local shopping mall came into our field of vision and was littered with 14-year old teenagers smoking casually around the pole of the 'no smoking within fifteen feet of building' sign.

As we stepped out, Joe's smart mouth felt obliged to speak,

"So, ladies, how much money do we have?"

Jess curiously reached into her back pocket and pulled out a handful of greenbacks,

"Whoaaa, these must be J's pants. There's no way I carry 75 bucks around with me. There's no way I have 75 bucks to carry around with me."

My head jerked around as the sound of my own strained voice sounded roughly from Jess' pants.

No, no, don't turn out like me. It's only for your own good...

For the longest time, I stared at her with a crooked head as she bobbled her head along with the melodies and words that released the dam of memories on the blonde boy in swim trunks.

With flowing motions, Joe stretched his long arms over his fuzzy head and asked her jokingly through the wall of his yawn,

"Playing a concert?"

As if shaken back into reality, her head snapped up, throwing brown curls around like moneybags as she stared at the both of us.

"Oh! My phone."

For at least the third time, her phone reproduced my crackly voice in 29-second intervals before she dug it from the side compartment of her white pants. Smoothly, she flipped it open and held it to the side of her face,

"Hey, sweet cheeks. Ha, sorry, I've been hanging out with Joe too much."

Joe swept his hand across her shoulder just hard enough to get her to step back but she was able to rebound quickly and push her fist into his shoulder. "Do you ever listen to me? Nah, he's not important, don't worry. What's up, J? Just shopping with Patrick and Joe."

My buddy kicked off the Mitsubishi he was leaning against and mumbled while rubbing his arms for warmth,

"Well, we would if you'd ever get off the damn phone."

She shushed him, "J, why do you even bother calling if you never listen to anything I say? No, I don't have any cocaine but I do have to go. Don't hit the drugs too fast, kid."

A voice shrieked from the top of the phone but the dreaded red button had already been pressed and she returned the phone to its silent darkness before smiling. "All right, I'm done. We can go now."

The guitarist's massive hands swung up and almost slapped me in the face as he complained,

"Finally! God, woman, you talk a lot."

"Oh, shut it, Joe. That took like a minute."

"A minute I can never get back!"

In a row, the three of us strode up to the glass doors of the mall and threw them open with epic hand motions.

Various people milled around toting their bags of advertisement and talking on their cell phones. Happily, Joe thrust his outstretched finger into the air,

"Upstairs, peons!!"

The brunette shoved him into dead air,

"Who you callin' a peon, peasant?"

He laid his elbow on her head tauntingly,

"You, short-stuff."

She began to chase him and initiated the running upstairs. All three of us tore though the mall like a tornado as Joe charged up the down-escalator. Without missing a beat, Jess and I followed him. People stared, pointed and laughed at the three idiots sprinting in slow motion up the down-escalator.

It took us about five minutes to get up and once we had, we collapsed at the top, panting and breathing heavily. Several people did their best to step over us as we tried to help each other up as lazily as possible.

Drunkenly, we stumbled around and finally fell down in a store called 'Emily's Excited Enterprises'.

The store was generally two colors: black and red and seemed to achieve the color scheme throughout the huge store.

Joe helped Jess up and delved deeper into the store. A whole section was dedicated to half black dresses embossed seductively with lace and pre-tied ribbons.

With a short, no-nailed finger, Jess traced the preordained creases and stared at a very proud Joe,

"Trohman, these dresses are beautiful."

"Well, what can I say? I'm just that good."

She filed through them with wide eyes and there was one that caught my eye. I stared at it for a second. The dress was dark blue on the top and faded down into a black at the end where small sparkles gave me fits of A.D.D. It was a form fitting dress and would show off her nice figure beautifully.

As if he knew what I was contemplating, Joe grabbed the dress roughly and pressed it up against her. The thin end of the dress to the floor in small pleats and revealed it was a bit too big for her short frame. Seeing that, Joe frowned and threw it back on the rack,

"You're too short for something that hot, kid."

"Hey, hey, hey," she grabbed it back a lot more tenderly and pressed it back to herself, "I actually like this, Trohman. I'm gonna go try it on."

With a bit of a hop, she bounded to the dressing rooms with the dress in hand.

A thick voice behind us made the two of us jump,

"You boys find everything you need all right?"

Turning around exposed a woman with long black hair and green eyes barricaded by eyeliner. Her tight band clothes mirrored her hair color perfectly.

Content, I smiled to her,

"No, thanks, we're just waiting for our friend to change."

"All right, well, talk to me if you need anything. I'll be right here."

She winked at us and turned back around to the desk.

Pivoting myself around, I laid my eyes to the grave when Jess stood behind me swirling her accentuating dress around her legs. The small bows on the thin straps contrasted perfectly with her peachy skin. A shudder went through my spine as she showed off how low the dress cut in the back.

"Damn, girl, you look fucking hot in that. There is no way we're leaving without that."

"You really think so? Patrick what do you think?"

"Me? Uh...I, uh. Good. It looks good."

"Than it's settled, I'll get it."

She returned back to the dressing room and Joe placed his hand on my shoulder. Knowingly, he nodded when I looked at him but before I could question him, she'd returned.

We'd paid for the dress and stood outside wondering what to do now.

Grabbing Jess' hand, Joe ran into the Gap and left me to follow. He ran cheerily into the jeans section and threw off his pants.

I watched as Jess laughed at the boxer-clad Joe putting on jeans backwards and couldn't help but chuckle myself.

He slid easily enough into the backwards jeans and had me zip them up in the back.

A saleswoman stared at him and he approached her, inciting worries from myself.

"Excuse me, miss? Could I get an honest opinion?"

"Um, sure?"

"Do these make my butt look big?"

Jess cracked up and dug her face into my shoulder to keep the woman from seeing her laugh.

"Umm, sir, I-I'm kind of busy right now..."

She walked away quickly and Joe shouted after her about customer service and the lady's duty to America.

Smiling broader than the Cheshire Cat, Joe waddled back over to me and threw the pants to the carpeted floor.

"You know, wearing no pants is rather liberating. I think I'm going to try it out."

Defiantly, he picked up his own pants and started for the entrance.

To my great surprise, Jess shouted beside me,

"You are right, Joseph Trohman. Pants are for squares!"

At that point, she'd unzipped her fly and by the time I'd looked, she was wearing no pants and very different socks.

I could feel the red creep over me as I read her underwear scream 'Sunday' at the world. This prompted me to check my watch and determine it was Monday.

She followed Joe from the Gap and initiated a million and one stares.

Sighing, I ran out to the middle of the food court where they were standing around defiantly. Jess observed my pants distastefully,

"You know, you should really try this. I think the world would be a better place if no one wore pants."

Joe interjected,

"And if everyone wore wigs."

She threw a confused look at him and he shrugged. Feeling the jittery feeling in my stomach I unzipped my fly and lowered my drawers to the floor, stepping out with an intense blush on my face. Jess smiled at me and softly placed her hand on my shoulder,

"Patrick, welcome to the dark side."

"We've got cookies. Guys, we should totally get a picture of this."

Jess pulled a small camera from the pocket of her hoodie and turned to the a nearby woman,

"Excuse me, miss, would you mind taking our picture?"

The raven-haired woman observed us nervously like she was going to get in trouble but placed the box to her eye and clicked a picture.

She made sure to hurry by quickly as Jess took back the camera.

A mischievous grin assumed Jess' face as a security guard loped around swinging his nightstick and whistling cheerily. She ran up to him holding the camera with Joe and I right on her heels,

"Excuse me, Mr. Security Guard, sir, would you mind taking our picture."

Adjusting his hat, he stared down at our six pairs of puberty-exposed legs.

"Uhh, ma'am, it's kind of a rule that you have to wear pants in the mall."

"Really? I didn't see any signs up."

"You also don't see any signs that say 'don't shoplift'."

The brunette in the Sunday underwear looked at us worriedly,

"Oh, crap."

He stepped forward, right into Joe's face,

"Could you three please come with me?"

As if in a play we'd rehearsed a million times, Jess and I exchanged glances and took off. We turned around to see the guard throw out a hand to catch Joe and grab his boxers successfully. Luckily for him, Joe jumped straight out of his boxers and charged forwards to us in only an Atticus t-shirt.

The three of us proceeded to laugh hysterically and run downstairs and out of the mall. We finally stopped running at the car, and sat, panting and giggling.

"Huff, huff, shit, guys. Huff, huff, those were my favorite, huff, boxers, too."

"Aww, huff, huff, it was worth, huff, worth it, huff, Joe. Here, gulp, I'll drive back so you can cover up your, huff, manhood."

Smiling crazily, I plopped myself into shotgun as Jess dug the key into the ignition and turned on the engine in more than one-way.
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