Categories > Anime/Manga > Weiss Kreuz

How Schuldig Stole Christmas

by fey_puck 2 reviews

Does it really need a summary?

Category: Weiss Kreuz - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor, Parody - Characters: Schwarz, Weiss - Published: 2005-08-15 - Updated: 2005-08-16 - 1375 words - Complete

Written as a holiday gift for a dear friend.


Every bishie
Down in Tokyo
Liked Christmas a lot!

But Herr Schuldig
In Takatori Tower
Did NOT!

Schuldig hated Christmas! The whole fuckin season!
No, don't ask why. He doesn't need a reason.
It could be that his head just wasn't quite right
It could be that his green jacket was a tad bit too tight
But I think the reason was simpler by far
The music and noise made him run for a bar

But whatever the reason
The noise or his jacket
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the racket
Staring out of his window with a smirk and sneer
At all of those people who were bursting with cheer
For he knew every bishie and every damn florist
Would be smiling at everyone, even at tourists

"And they're cleaning their weapons," he mocked with a leer.
"They think they can take us. Yeah, I tremble with fear."
Then he growled rather loudly and lit up a smoke
"Their whole existence is one big joke!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...all of the Kittens, who never were happy
Would wake up moping, guilt-filled or sappy
And then! Oh, the angst! Angst! Angst! Angst!
That's one thing he hated! The ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST!

Then all the kittens would find some dark beast.
And they'd kill! And they'd kill!
And they'd KILL! KILL! KILL! KILL!
They'd start with some dealer and think they were righteous
Which was something that made Schuldig feel rather nauseous.

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Kitten down in Tokyo, the tall and the small
Would all group together, with much fighting and sighing
They'd stand toe-to-toe
And then they would start whining!

They'd whine! And they'd whine!
And the more Schuldig thought of what was to come
The more Schuldig thought, "Mein Gott, are they dumb!
"Why for so many months I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming...but how?"

Then he got an idea!
And awful idea!

(And ignored Crawford's comment about pig's flying.)

"I know what I'll do!" Schuldig now had a plan.
And stole a Santa hat from some charity man.
And he chuckled and chortled, "What a great little trick!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll sorta look like ol' Nick"

"All I need is a reindeer..." Schuldig then looked around.
And wasn't surprised when there were none to be found
But did that stop our Schuldig...
No! The redhead just said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called Farfarello, who was off of his meds
And tied a big horn on top of his heads

("This can't end well," Crawford stated. He didn't even need his powers to see that. Beside him, Nagi nodded.)

THEN He loaded some bags
And put on an old scarf
Jumped into his Jeep
While dragging poor Farf

Then Schu revved the engine
He was not to be stopped
As he raced toward the bishies
And their lame flower shop

All their windows were dark. Snow started to fall.
/Oh, how appropriate/, Schuldig thought with a drawl.
When he came to the first room in the hall.
"This is stop number one," the red-haired man hissed.
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

("They don't have chimneys," Farfarello pointed out.
"Shut up," Schuldig snarled and jumped back down.)

Then he pulled out a knife, to break through the lock
Since when did Schuldig ever bother to knock?
He got stuck only once, but his impatience grew
And finally had Farfie break the damn door in two
Then he stuck his head in and thought what to do?
And saw the youngest of kitten's arrows and bow
"These arrows," he smirked, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
He took all the weapons and every last present!
New guns! And arrows! Goggles! A tube!
For a kid this kitten sure had lots of lube...
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Schuldig, so smug,
Tossed them to Farfie and offered a shrug.

Then he slunk to the fridge. He took the kittens' feast!
He even took all the beer, a brand he liked the least!
He cleaned out the cabinets, as quick as a flash.
And chuckled as he found Omi's personal stash.

Then he threw all the bags to Farfie with glee.
"I have a bad back," he grinned, "so carry it for me."

And then Schuldig pondered and grabbed the new stereo
When he heard the muffled sound of someone stubbing their toe
He turned around fast, and first noticed the cigarette
Of little Youji Kudo, who was /lacking/, he bet.

The redhead had been caught by this smuttiest kitten
Who Schuldig thought looked quite a bit smitten
He stared at Schuldig and said, "Schuldig! Why?
"Why go for him, and not me? WHY?"

But, you know, our dear Schuldig was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my ravishable Youji," the telepath lied,
"I got the wrong room," he paused with a sigh.
"So, I'll just take my leave since he's really a bore.
"And maybe, just maybe, I'll come knock on your door."

And he was tempted a bit, but knew where it led.
If Crawford found out, they'd both be quite dead.
So he messed with his mind, sent the kitten away
And vaguely wished he could take in a stray

("And people say I have problems," Farfarello muttered from where he was idly munching on some tinsel.)

Then the last thing he did
Was puncture Omi's bike tires
Then he grabbed Farfarello, before he started some fires
They left nothing behind, just a dart and some wires

And the last of the stash
That he left in the room
Was a bit of white powder, and a piece of a 'shroom
Then he did the same thing
To the other kitten's rooms.

Leaving nothing
Nothing at all
For the other Weiss kittens!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the kittens, still asleep
All of Weiss, still a-snooze
When he packed up his jeep,
Packed it with presents! Their weapons! Their socks!
Their flowers and /toys/! Even Ken's building blocks!

A hundred stories up! Up the floors of the Tower,
He rode to the top, noticed Brad looking sour.
"Don't worry Crawford," he was Schuldig-ish-ly smirking.
"They have no idea I was in their rooms lurking!
"Oh, they're just waking up! The slut kitten too.
"Without their precious weapons, they have nothing to do
"With luck they'll stop whining, and try something new."

"That is something," grinned Schuldig
"That I simply must see!
"And yes, Crawford, it's all about me."
And so he listened over the racket below.
To a sound that was small but continued to grow...

But the sound was familiar!
Where was his luck?
It couldn't be so!
But it was familiar! Fuck!

He stared down towards the bishies!
With a twitch in one eye!
Then he shook!
And resisted the urge to cry!

("Nagi, get the straight jacket. He's losing it," Crawford said. He looked amused.)

Every bishie down in Tokyo, the tall and the small,
Was whining! Without any missions at all!
He hadn't stopped it from coming!
It came! Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Schuldig, glaring daggers directed below,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without missions! It came without goggles!
It doesn't make sense! The mind, it boggles!
And he sat on his ass, 'till his ass was quite sore.
'till Crawford gave him a good screw on the floor.
"Maybe their whining," he thought after the thrill,
"Maybe their whining just can't be killed."

And what happened then...? Schwarz they say
That Crawford saved
Schuldig's mind that day!
The oracle never mentioned that he had been right
And promised the telepath a killing and fight
And Schuldig rejoiced! His puzzling was ceased!

For he...
...All of Schwarz...
Were the same ol' dark beasts!

-The End-
Sign up to rate and review this story