Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > The Curse of the Curls
Your obligatory pregnancy test chapter
11 reviewsThere is a time for humor and there is a time to be serious. Often this is a fine line between appropriateness and sheer tastelessness. Between what real writers do and what FrostedGlass does.
5Funny
10. Your obligatory pregnancy test chapter
Yesterday at the dinner table Mom was sticking her nose into my business again.
"I have a funny question, Kylene," she said, shoving her plate aside. "How come Hedwig, whose native language isn't even English, gets better grades in English than you?"
At the mention of her name, Wiggie looked up from her plate and grinned.
Dad raised an eyebrow at me but didn't raise his voice. Ever since that meeting with Ms. Mjoo he seemed changed. Unfamiliarily cheerful somehow. I bet her FOB craziness must have done wonders for his bruised and battered ego. My mother will do that to everyone eventually. At least I cared for his well-being.
"So?" Mom was growing impatient. Doesn't she get the concept of mental reflection to let the readers know what's going on?
"So, how come?" she repeated herself.
Alright, at the first look that did seem kind of weird. But if you think about it again it does make sense: I do have more important stuff to do in my life than write stupid essays about... I don't even know what we were supposed to write about. Who cares anyway?
"How come you know what grades I get? Have you been sneaking around in my room again?" I shot back.
Cearly I was not at fault here. I hadn't invaded somebody else's privacy... Well, apart from the time that I broke into Beverly's locker because I saw Sean putting a note in there. That was back when I still liked Sean so that doesn't actually count as invading anybody's privacy, coming to think of it. I mean, I just wanted to know where I stood with him. Makes sense, huh?
Mom started collecting our plates, "I was not sneaking around in your room. I was looking for a pair of scissors, that's why I went there. It's not my fault that you leave your homework strewn across your desk."
"Yeah, well," I said. "I think the teachers are being more lenient toward Wiggie BECAUSE English is not her mother tongue." Of course, there was also the fact that Wiggie handed the assignments in on time. And the fact that Wiggie actually handed all of them in.
The Austrian looked my mother in the eye and nodded, "I rily like English!"
Mom shot her a quick smile in acknowlegment of this redudant comment and then turned back to me, "You're on very thing ice, Kyle. You're on very thing ice AND you're playing with fire."
"Hey," Dad entered our conversation. "That was a really good one, honey."
I don't know if you're familiar with my father's appearance these days because it's more likely that you will have images of him in his younger years stuck to your mental eye*, but take it from me: Imagining him in a cheerleader costume, backing up my mother is not a pleasant thought.
Mom rolled her eyes and carried the plates into the kitchen, huffing sarcastically "Thanks for your support, honey."
"Oh, honey!" Dad shouted after her. "I won't be eating with you guys tomorrow evening. I got a... business meeting!"
"Fine!"
-
The next morning I threw up into the toilet of my bathroom. Not British.
Did I mention my period still hadn't kicked in yet? I felt my tummy. Felt softer than usual. I couldn't be pregnant. Mom would kill me. And then kill Dad. Just imagine the poor kid that had to grow up alone with her. Yeah...
There was a knock on my door, "Kyle?"
"Come on in, Wiggie. I'm in the bathroom."
I had to tell someone. I couldn't keep my worries inside any longer.
"What's ap?" Wiggie eyed me with both my hands covering my stomach.
"I'm gonna tell you something now. But it's a secret so you cannot tell anybody about it, ok?" I made a straight face.
"Goot, goot," she replied cheerfully.
"This is serious, Wiggie," I pointed out.
She nodded and her smile disappeared.
"I think I might be pregnant. Like I might be growing a baby in there," I indicated my tummy. "I need to get a pregnancy test to know what's going on." I swallowed. I would kill Travis. And then myself before Mom got the chance.
"A test?" the Austrian furrowed her brow. "I didn't know about a test. I didn't stady."
Please, God. Why did you send that my way? As if my situation wasn't fucked-up already.
"No... Look, if your period's not coming and you think you have a baby in there," I pointed at my tummy once again. "A BABY. Then you take a pregnancy test to find out if you're pregnant or not. You know what pregnant means, right?"
"Is it like 'prepared'? Like prepared foa se test?"
"Goddamn!" I huffed. Calm down, try to explain it to her. If she went to buy the test no one would connect me to it. Ha. Good thinking.
"Ok, let's get this straight. What I mean-"
"Oh, I know. I know," she brightly smiled at me. "I know what a pregnancy test is. Just tried to cheea you ap a bit."
What kind of humor do they have in Austria?
"Not funny, Wiggie. But you can make it up to me if you go and buy me a test. Please?" I gave her puppy dog eyes. I would have preferred to give her the finger though.
"No prablem. I'll do it."
I told her where she could find pregnancy tests in the store I sent her to and made her swear she wouldn't tell anyone it was for me.
Half an hour later there was another knock on my door and Wiggie entered, pulling out a small box of her back pocket. I grabbed it, ripped it open and skimmed through the instructions. Then I pushed the piece of paper into the girl's hand and disappeared into the bathroom.
While I tried my best not to pee onto my own hand** I yelled for Wiggie to find the place where they explained the symbols and how you knew whether you were knocked up or not. Three minutes to go. I put the wet slip of paper next to the soap bar on my sink and joined the Austrian wanna-be comedian in my bedroom.
"Hea it says if you get sree stahs, two cherries and one dolla bill you a pregnant," Wiggie informed me.
"Don't be an ass, Hedwig. Now is not the time to joke," I ripped the instructions out of her hand.
No shit. There it was black on white: Three stars, two cherries and one dollar bill - pregnant. Five dollar bills and something that could have resembled a condom - not pregnant.
I checked the box I had previously tossed on the floor. "Made in Las Vegas, Nevada."
"I rily liked se bright colahs on dat one," Wiggie told me with a serious look on her face.
I checked the clock, one minute to go.
"I rily like 'Ludwig'. Ludwig is a nice name. My broda's name is Ludwig. Will you call youa baby Ludwig?"
"Shat ap, Wiggie." I didn't want a Ludwig nor a female -wig. 30 seconds. To doom.
Both of us stared at the clock on my wall.
"How about you get the thing? I don't wanna have the first look," I motioned for the girl to go into my bathroom.
"Sua."
A moment later I heard her say, "Dat's wiead." Then she came over to me with the slip of paper in her hand. "It's not like on the paipa."
"What does it show?" I asked and scanned the instructions for a third stupid symbol pattern.
"Six dolla bills," Wiggie replied.
Frantically I searched both sides of the paper for the 6 dollar bills. I almost choked when I found the explanation: "Congratulations! You've just won another free 'Las Vegas Teen Preg Quick Check Test'. Please take the test with you next time you go shopping."
AAAAHHHHHHH!!! WHAT IS THIS?
"Ha ha," Wiggie, who had looked over my shoulder, was laughing. "You Americans haf a funny sense of huma."
Just when I was about give her a piece of my mind I spotted an asterisk that I must have overlooked in my prior haste. A footnote: "You're also not pregnant."
Reliefed I hugged Hedwig and mumbled, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
The girl looked at me in puzzlement.
"No Ludwig," I explained.
"Oh," she winked at me. "Betta lack next time."
_____________________
*Or your bathroom wall. Next to Morrissey.
** No real developments in the pregnancy test sector within the next 20 years, sorry.
_ _ _ _ _ _
Sorry I'm not updating my stories so quickly these days. Finals are coming up. Blah.
Yesterday at the dinner table Mom was sticking her nose into my business again.
"I have a funny question, Kylene," she said, shoving her plate aside. "How come Hedwig, whose native language isn't even English, gets better grades in English than you?"
At the mention of her name, Wiggie looked up from her plate and grinned.
Dad raised an eyebrow at me but didn't raise his voice. Ever since that meeting with Ms. Mjoo he seemed changed. Unfamiliarily cheerful somehow. I bet her FOB craziness must have done wonders for his bruised and battered ego. My mother will do that to everyone eventually. At least I cared for his well-being.
"So?" Mom was growing impatient. Doesn't she get the concept of mental reflection to let the readers know what's going on?
"So, how come?" she repeated herself.
Alright, at the first look that did seem kind of weird. But if you think about it again it does make sense: I do have more important stuff to do in my life than write stupid essays about... I don't even know what we were supposed to write about. Who cares anyway?
"How come you know what grades I get? Have you been sneaking around in my room again?" I shot back.
Cearly I was not at fault here. I hadn't invaded somebody else's privacy... Well, apart from the time that I broke into Beverly's locker because I saw Sean putting a note in there. That was back when I still liked Sean so that doesn't actually count as invading anybody's privacy, coming to think of it. I mean, I just wanted to know where I stood with him. Makes sense, huh?
Mom started collecting our plates, "I was not sneaking around in your room. I was looking for a pair of scissors, that's why I went there. It's not my fault that you leave your homework strewn across your desk."
"Yeah, well," I said. "I think the teachers are being more lenient toward Wiggie BECAUSE English is not her mother tongue." Of course, there was also the fact that Wiggie handed the assignments in on time. And the fact that Wiggie actually handed all of them in.
The Austrian looked my mother in the eye and nodded, "I rily like English!"
Mom shot her a quick smile in acknowlegment of this redudant comment and then turned back to me, "You're on very thing ice, Kyle. You're on very thing ice AND you're playing with fire."
"Hey," Dad entered our conversation. "That was a really good one, honey."
I don't know if you're familiar with my father's appearance these days because it's more likely that you will have images of him in his younger years stuck to your mental eye*, but take it from me: Imagining him in a cheerleader costume, backing up my mother is not a pleasant thought.
Mom rolled her eyes and carried the plates into the kitchen, huffing sarcastically "Thanks for your support, honey."
"Oh, honey!" Dad shouted after her. "I won't be eating with you guys tomorrow evening. I got a... business meeting!"
"Fine!"
-
The next morning I threw up into the toilet of my bathroom. Not British.
Did I mention my period still hadn't kicked in yet? I felt my tummy. Felt softer than usual. I couldn't be pregnant. Mom would kill me. And then kill Dad. Just imagine the poor kid that had to grow up alone with her. Yeah...
There was a knock on my door, "Kyle?"
"Come on in, Wiggie. I'm in the bathroom."
I had to tell someone. I couldn't keep my worries inside any longer.
"What's ap?" Wiggie eyed me with both my hands covering my stomach.
"I'm gonna tell you something now. But it's a secret so you cannot tell anybody about it, ok?" I made a straight face.
"Goot, goot," she replied cheerfully.
"This is serious, Wiggie," I pointed out.
She nodded and her smile disappeared.
"I think I might be pregnant. Like I might be growing a baby in there," I indicated my tummy. "I need to get a pregnancy test to know what's going on." I swallowed. I would kill Travis. And then myself before Mom got the chance.
"A test?" the Austrian furrowed her brow. "I didn't know about a test. I didn't stady."
Please, God. Why did you send that my way? As if my situation wasn't fucked-up already.
"No... Look, if your period's not coming and you think you have a baby in there," I pointed at my tummy once again. "A BABY. Then you take a pregnancy test to find out if you're pregnant or not. You know what pregnant means, right?"
"Is it like 'prepared'? Like prepared foa se test?"
"Goddamn!" I huffed. Calm down, try to explain it to her. If she went to buy the test no one would connect me to it. Ha. Good thinking.
"Ok, let's get this straight. What I mean-"
"Oh, I know. I know," she brightly smiled at me. "I know what a pregnancy test is. Just tried to cheea you ap a bit."
What kind of humor do they have in Austria?
"Not funny, Wiggie. But you can make it up to me if you go and buy me a test. Please?" I gave her puppy dog eyes. I would have preferred to give her the finger though.
"No prablem. I'll do it."
I told her where she could find pregnancy tests in the store I sent her to and made her swear she wouldn't tell anyone it was for me.
Half an hour later there was another knock on my door and Wiggie entered, pulling out a small box of her back pocket. I grabbed it, ripped it open and skimmed through the instructions. Then I pushed the piece of paper into the girl's hand and disappeared into the bathroom.
While I tried my best not to pee onto my own hand** I yelled for Wiggie to find the place where they explained the symbols and how you knew whether you were knocked up or not. Three minutes to go. I put the wet slip of paper next to the soap bar on my sink and joined the Austrian wanna-be comedian in my bedroom.
"Hea it says if you get sree stahs, two cherries and one dolla bill you a pregnant," Wiggie informed me.
"Don't be an ass, Hedwig. Now is not the time to joke," I ripped the instructions out of her hand.
No shit. There it was black on white: Three stars, two cherries and one dollar bill - pregnant. Five dollar bills and something that could have resembled a condom - not pregnant.
I checked the box I had previously tossed on the floor. "Made in Las Vegas, Nevada."
"I rily liked se bright colahs on dat one," Wiggie told me with a serious look on her face.
I checked the clock, one minute to go.
"I rily like 'Ludwig'. Ludwig is a nice name. My broda's name is Ludwig. Will you call youa baby Ludwig?"
"Shat ap, Wiggie." I didn't want a Ludwig nor a female -wig. 30 seconds. To doom.
Both of us stared at the clock on my wall.
"How about you get the thing? I don't wanna have the first look," I motioned for the girl to go into my bathroom.
"Sua."
A moment later I heard her say, "Dat's wiead." Then she came over to me with the slip of paper in her hand. "It's not like on the paipa."
"What does it show?" I asked and scanned the instructions for a third stupid symbol pattern.
"Six dolla bills," Wiggie replied.
Frantically I searched both sides of the paper for the 6 dollar bills. I almost choked when I found the explanation: "Congratulations! You've just won another free 'Las Vegas Teen Preg Quick Check Test'. Please take the test with you next time you go shopping."
AAAAHHHHHHH!!! WHAT IS THIS?
"Ha ha," Wiggie, who had looked over my shoulder, was laughing. "You Americans haf a funny sense of huma."
Just when I was about give her a piece of my mind I spotted an asterisk that I must have overlooked in my prior haste. A footnote: "You're also not pregnant."
Reliefed I hugged Hedwig and mumbled, "Thank you, thank you, thank you."
The girl looked at me in puzzlement.
"No Ludwig," I explained.
"Oh," she winked at me. "Betta lack next time."
_____________________
*Or your bathroom wall. Next to Morrissey.
** No real developments in the pregnancy test sector within the next 20 years, sorry.
_ _ _ _ _ _
Sorry I'm not updating my stories so quickly these days. Finals are coming up. Blah.
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