Categories > Anime/Manga > Bleach

Cake or Death

by Adara 0 reviews

Ichigo really needs to work on his pastry lingo. Hirako/Ichigo, Renji/Rukia.

Category: Bleach - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Abarai Renji, Kuchiki Rukia, Kurosaki Ichigo, Other - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2007-01-21 - Updated: 2007-01-22 - 922 words - Complete

I got this idea for this from a ficathon (and yes, that's where the bizarre subject matter came from). It was originally intended to be longer, but I actually like it as the 850-word flashfic. The title is, of course, courtesy of Eddie Izzard.

Renji/Rukia and some joking (or is it?!) Hirako/Ichigo. Humor, set in the midst of the arrancar arc (so spoilers for maybe chapter 235-ish). Lots of teenaged boy profanity, but nothing objectionable other than that.

Something fell down in front of Ichigo's feet with a wet sound, and in the weak light of the street lamp it looked kinda like one of someone's internal organs. And while Soul Society had destroyed most of Ichigo's survival instincts (and what that hadn't destroyed Renji and Rukia had taken care of since they'd come to Karakura, anyway), he still had enough of them cowering in a dark corner of his soul to look up and see what was dropping guts on the ground in front of him before it ate him.

"Hello, Kurosaki!" Hirako chirped (fucking /chirped/, no man should be able to make that noise besides maybe that freak Ayasegawa, and did he really count as a man anyway?) from where he was hanging upside down by his knees from the top of the lamppost.

"What the hell is this, the heart of one of your victims?" Ichigo took a step backward, as if the thing were going to bite him. ...if Hirako had ripped it out of someone, it probably would.

"It's a doughnut, Kurosaki!" Hirako corrected him, sounding scandalized that Ichigo had mistaken a cheap American pastry for a human heart. "Do I need to teach you pastry lingo? I think I do!"

"What the hell is your problem," Ichigo demanded (didn't ask, oh no, because it wasn't really a question-- everything about Hirako was wrong), but he didn't actually try to kill him. Partly because he'd saved Rukia, but mostly because the other day he'd kicked Ishida in the face for suggesting that capes were superior to trenchcoats. Which was a really gay reason to get into a fight, but a kick to Ishida's stupid face was a kick to Ishida's stupid face.

"You and Hiryori are such haters," Hirako said with a long-suffering sigh, and jumped down from the lamppost. He bent over and picked up the doughnut, examining it for a moment before sighing again. "It's ruined, Kurosaki."

"That's your own fault. You threw it at me!" Ichigo said, taking another step back. Hirako made a face at him.

"You were supposed to catch it, Kurosaki." Hirako dropped the doughnut on the ground again and stepped forward. He had longer legs than Ichigo did (damn freaky guy), and that meant his step forward more than compensated for Ichigo's step back and he was up in Ichigo's face. "I'm disappointed in you, abusing a fine dessert like that."

"Yes, Ichigo, he's dissapointed in you." God damn it all, he really did not need the freak squad right about now. Especially not Rukia. But it seemed like today he was getting everything he absolutely did not need, from Hirako throwing motherfucking doughnuts at him to Rukia being her usual helpful self. Next thing he knew, Ishida would be over here with his zippers and his capes and giving them all a lecture on why their belts needed to match their shoes.

"Shut up," Ichigo said, and she kicked him squarely in the middle of his back; he hadn't been expecting it (although he really should have, because when didn't Rukia pull that stunt?) and he hurtled forward. Straight into Hirako.

"Would you take that shit somewhere else? Nobody wants to see what you do in private." Renji came up behind Rukia and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Combined with his hat-- the one that said FUCK in English-- he was obviously trying for menacing and failing.

"I'm flattered, Kurosaki," Hirako said wryly as he pushed Ichigo away, "but you're going to have to buy me dinner first. Or at least a new doughnut."

"That's all you want? You're way too easy." Rukia informed him; Renji mumbled something that evidently she heard quite well, because she elbowed him in the gut for it.

"I hope you all die in a fire," Ichigo said, and accidentally stepped on the doughnut in trying to get his balance back. "Damnit!"

"Now look what you've done." Hirako pursed his lips, surveying the damage. "Not only have you destroyed that innocent pastry, now you've gone and gotten jelly all over your pants. I liked those pants."

"I'm going home," Ichigo said loudly, realizing that he should have done that a long time ago. At least it didn't look like any more of the Shinigami idiot squad was coming along, because he really didn't want to have to explain this whole mess to Ikkaku or listen to that weirdo Ayasegawa lecture them all on why their belts needed to match their shoes.

"Well, I'm going to get something else to eat," Hirako sniffed. "Since some people just can't go without stomping all over my plans. And my doughnuts, it's all the same."

They both stalked off in opposite directions.

", where are you taking me for dinner?" Rukia asked archly.

"Dinner? Goddamnit, Rukia, it's ten o'clock at night--" Renji started to argue with her, but then he caught on. "Uh, I think maybe there's a Chinese place around here that's open late? Chad was talking about it the other day."
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