FicWad

Sorry for the massive delay. I wrote this chapter on holidays, so enjoy ;) The next chapter shouldn't be too far behind. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed!


My Chemical Romance's time at Paramour House seemed like a blur. Days and nights were spent in solitude, and strange things would often happen. It seemed that the house was effecting Gerard a lot. He went through fazes where he'd be himself, then turn violent or depressed. My time in Paramour House was the worst out of everyone's. Every week I had to go to my chemo sessions, then be violently ill for the next two days. On top of that, my room was haunted. I got barely 3 hours sleep at night because I often heard voices or saw things. I began to wish death upon myself. The cancer, the house, my life... it all seemed too much. I needed Gerard now more then ever, but he was off in his own world.

One night I was sitting up in my bed. The cold of the house seemed to heighten at night and creep into my bones. I rocked back and forth slightly, trying to comfort myself.
"Death will come. It will come for you..." whispered someone. I closed my eyes tightly. I knew it was one of the voices. They always talked about death. The voices seemed to know I had cancer, because they always spoke of me dying from a disease.
"It will come. It's your time..." said the voice in a ghostly whisper. I didn't dare open my eyes. I felt the ghost enter my room, making chills run relentlessly up and down my spine. Then quite suddenly the room felt empty and there were no voices. I opened my eyes, and standing at the foot of my bed was Gerard.

I screamed in surprise and shock. I quickly pulled my legs up to my chest and sat curled up against the bed head. Gerard stood there, silent. He tilted his head in confusion as I remained curled up in bed. He had scared me so much. My heart was beating 10 times its normal rate. Gerard walked around the bed and sat beside me.

"We are all just a Black Parade." Gerard said randomly. I looked sideways at him. He was staring into space, never blinking. What he had just said sounded awesome, but it freaked me out. If we were all just a Black Parade, then we must all be dead, or according to Ray's story.
"Where did that come from?" I asked, stretching out my legs.
"I dreamt it." Gerard said, turning to me.
"I haven't had enough sleep to dream." I replied. Gerard furrowed his eyebrows in what looked like disappointment.
"Sometimes I see flames...and sometimes I see people that I love dying." he said, looking to the ground. I could tell that these dreams affected him deeply.
"It's ok. Everyone's ok. They're just dreams." I said, wanting to make him feel better.
"Letting them go is the hardest part.." said Gerard. I really hoped that he would write this down. It sounded so insightful and I was happy to be a part of it.

Gerard and I were silent for a while. I couldn't shake the voices out of my head.
'It will come. It's your time..'
I knew that the voices were right, I had to leave Earth. I couldn't stay here. I couldn't stand fighting cancer anymore. I couldn't stand this house anymore. I couldn't stand living anymore. I wanted to die.

"...Mikey?" Gerard said, shaking me. I looked into his eyes - they were full of concern.
"I have to go, Gerard. I can't stay here any longer. It's killing me." I cried. Gerard reached out and hugged me close to him. So tight that I felt like he was holding onto my very soul, begging me to stay.
"It's ok, we'll get you out of the house." Gerard whispered, rocking us back and forth.
"I don't mean the house, Gee."

Gerard stopped and let go of me. He looked into my eyes again. He suddenly realised that I meant leave the Earth, leave life.
"No. No...Mikey..." Gerard cried, bursting into tears. "It's alright...it'll be ok... Just hold on."
"I can't. This house, the cancer, it's too much. I can't do this anymore." I said, realising that this must be torture for Gerard to hear. Listening to a family member talk about killing themselves must be unbearable.

"I'm scared." I cried, clinging to Gerard's shivering form.
"Don't be afraid, Mikey. Never be afraid to keep on living." Gerard said, wiping his eyes.
That's the end of what we talked about that night. Gerard took me to his room where we slept peacefully, just like we did when we were younger.

The next day, Stacy came and took me home. I was out of the house for good. I would never go back. After spending 2 weeks alone at my apartment, I realised that I was getting worse. I found my strength and motivation had greatly decreased, and my chemo appointments had increased to 3 times a week. The hospital told me that I had to get my things and begin my stay at the hospital. I was so scared. Gerard nor anyone else knew that I would be staying there. I moved to the hospital, and once I was settled, I knew that I wouldn't be leaving - ever.

Like I had intended, I began to talk to the girl who I saw the day I left for Paramour House. It turns out her name was Emerald, or Em, and she was admitted to the hospital a few days after me. Me and Em became good friends and I hoped that if we ever got out of here, we could maybe be good friends (or something a little more...). She was so beautiful, and even with cancer she was so full of life. When I had lost most of my hair, she cried. She said that I didn't deserve this fate. I assured her I felt the same about her.

Gerard came and visited me the day he got out of the house. He seemed tired, but he was normal again. He hugged me but he began to cry when he saw my loss of hair.
"Good news: we have the structure for the songs. Thanks to most of your bass tabs you laid down before you left, we can begin pre-production." Gerard said, sitting down.
"That's," cough "Awesome." I said, smiling at my brother.
He frowned back. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. So what are the songs like?" I asked, changing the topic.
"We all really like them. Next time I come I'll bring you a demo." He said, happy at the prospect of my opinion.
"I've made a friend." I said, smiling at the thought of Em.
"Oh? Who is she?" said Gerard, picking up on my goofy smile.
"Her name is Em. She's really cool." I replied, blushing slightly. Em and I got along really well. She had so much courage that it amazes me. She had changed my mind about wanting to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to see my family and friends again. I wanted to marry and have a family of my own. I wanted to affect lives.

Gerard smiled. "You'll be ok. Maybe when you both get out, you can ask her out?"
"Maybe." I said. I didn't like my chances. Both of our cancers weren't going well. I didn't dare tell my brother about my condition though. He'd break down if he knew I was slowly dying in my hospital bed.

Eventually Gerard leaves and I decide to go and see Em.
"Hey Em." I said happily. She was sitting up in bed reading a book.
"Hi! I heard that you had a visitor." Em said, smiling at me.
"Yeah, my brother. He said they're entering pre-production." I had told Em all about our band and the stay at Paramour. Em took hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze.
"That's wonderful. Did he say what it's about?" she asked.
"No, but he is bringing me a demo. So we'll listen to it sometime." I replied. She beamed. She loved MCR's music.

I spent the day with Em. As the hours passed by, I felt myself weaken. Each day was a struggle for me. The cancer had taken its toll on my body. I felt so weak, and it made me angry. I often had trouble doing the most simplest of things, like eating. Because of my declining strength, the next few days meant I saw less and less of Em. After what seemed like forever, Gerard came and visited me again. He explained he couldn't stay long due to the recording process, but he told me to enjoy the CD, which was the demo of MCR's newest album. Gerard gave me a hug, which I knew would bruise my fragile body, then left.

I held the CD in my hands, deciding whether or not to listen to it. In the end, I buzzed the nurse.
"Yes, Michael?" she said kindly.
"May I please be wheeled into Em's room?" I asked. The nurses knew all our names and who we were friends with, so there was no need to be formal.
"Sure." she replied, grabbing the wheelchair for me. I heaved my tired body onto the device and let the nurse wheel me to Em's room. It had been decided a week ago that I shouldn't 'waste my energy' walking, because I had fallen over twice before.

After a moment I was sitting beside Em's bed. She was sitting up, smiling. I found that a smile had found its way to my face as well.
"Hey! I haven't seen you in a long time!" Em said sweetly. It was true, I hadn't seen her since the day Gerard came and saw me.
"I know," cough "I'm sorry. I haven't been feeling too well." I apologised, not that it was my fault.
"It's ok. I understand." Em said, resting her cold hand on mine. "What's that?"
I had brought the demo CD so that we could listen to it.
"MCR's demo," I said. "I thought we could listen to it...together."
Emerald beamed. "I'd like that very much."
I pushed myself over to the stereo system and stuck the CD on. I closed the door so we could be alone. Together, we listened to the songs that my best friends had made. The guitars were so full of life, the drums were amazing and Gerard's vocals blew me away. The lyrics were what touched me the most though. The second song on the CD, which was labelled "Dead!", made me laugh. It was amazing how he captured the humour of it in a song.

I pulled out the piece of paper with the track names on it to find a note addressed to me. I didn't open it infront of Em, it seemed like something private. When the CD was over, me and Em sat crying.
"How did they do that?! I've never heard anything like that before." Em said, delicately wiping a few tears away.
"I don't know. It was amazing though. I can't wait to hear the finished product." I replied, still in a daze from the music. But in my head I questioned whether or not I'd be around to hear the finished product.
"Emerald?" came a soft voice from the door. I turned to see a nurse smiling. "It's time for your appointment."
Em gripped my hand tightly. I knew she dreaded her chemo appointments.
"Mikey...before I go..." she said, still crying. I looked into her beautiful green eyes. It felt that her very heart was breaking. She knew we both didn't have very long left.
"It's okay. Tell me when you get back." I replied with a smile.
"Oh," cough "Kay. Goodbye Mikey." she said before being wheeled out of the room. The nurse took me back to my room. I sat in my bed, looking out the window. I felt that I should tell Em how I feel before it's too late.

I suddenly remembered the letter from Gerard. I took it out of my pocket and read it.

Hey Mikey!

I hope you enjoyed the CD. We've been working tirelessly on it but it just isn't the same without you. Randy has been filling in with the bass till you get better.

There's one track that I didn't put on the CD that you still have to hear, but I'm saving it for when you're out of hospital. The guys all say 'hello' and that they love you all very much. Frank's saying that when you're out he's going to dye your hair.

About that night at the Paramour, I want you to stay strong for me when I'm not there. You have to stay with me, Mikey, I can't lose you too. You have to keep on living and never be afraid. Remember there will always be people who love and care for you - no matter what.

I almost forgot. The guys and I decided that the record would be a concept album (you may have already noticed) about a 'patient' dying from cancer. I wonder where we got the inspiration from?

I can't wait till you get out, Mikey. We're going to live everyday like it's out last because you've shown me that even the best people are vulnerable to the world's evil. You were my inspiration for this record.

I'll be seeing you soon, baby brother.
Love from Gerard, Frank, Bob and Randy.

By the end of the letter, I was in tears. Just reading it reminded me of everything I've ever been through, and made me remember that Gerard was always there. I soon fell asleep, clutching the letter tightly..

"Mikey, wake up." said someone beside me. My eyes fluttered open to reveal Ray standing beside my bed. He was smiling at me in that Ray-like way.
"Ray?" I said, completely confused. I knew that I was dreaming, but it felt real.
"Yeah. I've got some bad news, Mikey," Ray said, frowning. I sat up and looked at him. "You have to come with me."
"Why?"
"You're dead." Ray said, beginning to cry.
"No I'm not." I said in disbelief. I was dreaming, surely.
"See for yourself." Ray replied before touching my chest.

I suddenly woke up in a bright room where people, doctors and nurses, were running around me with high-tech equipment.
"He's awake!"
"Quick! Stabilise him!"
"We're losing him!"
"Get some oxygen!"
I began to panic. What was happening?! My chest felt like it had collapsed and I realised I couldn't breathe. I took one last look at the people and place I've called home for the last 27 years then closed my eyes. I simply gave up. I was tired of fighting; tired of living.

When I closed my eyes, I was being shaken awake by Ray again.
"I'm sorry, Mikey." Ray said, wiping his tears.
"Why?" I asked, looking around. My surroundings were completely black, yet a light seemed to emphasise what I needed to see.
"You didn't deserve cancer. No one does." Ray said, sitting on my bed. "But I have been given good news."
"What's that?"
"You're going back. You have much to do, Mikey. You must continue to make hope for the children. Never give up hope. Be strong. Listen to Gerard carefully... he has been trying to tell you something for a while now." said Ray thoughtfully.
"I- I'm going back?"
"Yep." Ray grinned.
"But...why did you do it Ray? We miss you so much. It's not the same..." I cried, reaching out to touch Ray, but he was a mere ghost.
"It was my time, Mikey. Sure you above all people should understand that. Randy is a great guitarist, tell him that for me, will you?" Ray said, beginning to cry.
"I will. I promise." I said, tears running down my face. This reunion was cruel.
"Don't tell the fans, either. Never. I've let them down, and if they knew...they will have given up hope. You must never give up hope, remember that. You'll love again, Mikey." said Ray. He was so insightful and inspiring. I noted everything he said. I would cling to his words for the rest of my life.
"I...thanks Ray." I mumbled, unsure of what to say.
"Tell Gerard that 'The Black Parade' was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, and that he'll always be my brother." Ray cried, wiping his eyes.
"I will."
"And tell Frank that I love him so much. Tell him that I'll watch over him and that he should look out for July the 17th." Ray said, nodding his head.
"I will."
"Tell Bob he'll always be in my heart, and that he's one of my best friends. Tell him that he needs to watch the fire." Ray said, his eyes burning with a fire of their own.
"I will."
"And Randy, tell him not to worry about replacing me, I want him to. He's a legendary guitarist and I wish I had of gotten to know him.." said Ray, blinking a few tears out of his eyes. By now I was nodding, unable to speak. Ray was giving me his will, his famous last words, and I wanted to remember them.
"Tell ma and pa I'm sorry and that they need to put their differences aside. Tell them I love them." Ray sobbed.

Ray stopped talking and was looking at me. I looked up to meet his eyes.
"And Mikey.. You'll always be my best friend. Stay strong. Never be afraid." Ray said, standing up straight.
"Ray...I'll miss you." I cried, looking at him.
"I'll be with you...always." Ray said, beginning to fade. "Go back, Mikey... Go.. Don't be afraid."
I looked one last time at Ray Toro before I closed my eyes and woke up in the same hospital room I was in before.
"He's stable."
"Heart beat's normal."
I blinked before taking in a deep breath.
"He's going to be just fine."