Categories > Anime/Manga > Weiss Kreuz

The Real Thing

by fey_puck 2 reviews

Schuldig is out to prove a point. Nagi pays for it.

Category: Weiss Kreuz - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters: Schwarz - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2005-08-25 - Updated: 2005-08-26 - 758 words - Complete

AN: CRACK. Is what this is. Dear lordie.


Crawford stared at the mess around him. It was a true sign of how accustomed he was to his teammate's actions that he didn't get angry. Or scream. Or hyperventilate, though he was sure to carry a brown paper bag around with him all the time after the last incident. No, he did none of these things now. There were worse things that Schuldig could have done, had done in the past, than trying to make a bomb out of baking soda and peroxide.

Schuldig glanced up at him from kitchen table, unconcerned. Next to him, Farfarello was happily making a snowman out of bits of lumpy baking soda. "At least it worked. All that McGyver paid off. Next week we'll try it with bubblegum and pencil shavings."

Farfarello gave a happy cackle.

"Why couldn't you be more like Nagi?" the oracle muttered, sitting down on the only clean chair that remained.

"Nagi?" Schuldig blinked. "Nagi is like a non-playable character, Brad. He's always sitting in the same spot and says the same thing every time I get close to him."

To demonstrate, Schuldig got out of his seat and left the room. Crawford heard the door of Nagi's room over, then a sharp "Shut up, Schuldig." The redhead returned, smug, having proven his point.


Crawford sighed. "Fine. But he still wouldn't have made a mess like this," He waved his arm, gesturing towards the once clean kitchen, "once a week."

"He also wouldn't wear a schoolgirl uniform once a week cause you're a kinky bastard. Want me to follow his example there too?" Schuldig raised an eyebrow.

"Too much information," Farfarello stated solemnly.

Crawford coughed. "That's besides the point." He stood, having decided that he would lose control of this conversation in a matter of seconds if he didn't leave. "You still have to agree that Nagi is a young man that knows how to behave."

When he left, the other two were silent for a while. Then Schuldig smirked.

"Poor boy," Farfarello said, smashing the cat he made with a closed fist.


The next morning, Schuldig and his white-haired partner in crime were already sitting at the table wearing identical smiles. Crawford had enough sense to be worried. Cautiously, he got his normal cup of coffee, subtly sniffing it. Smelled normal.

He looked over his shoulder. The pair were still smiling. "What?"

"Nothing," they both said.

Crawford glared at them. "What have you done?"

Schuldig leaned back in his chair, arms behind his head. "Nothing. Well, I did make a song about you..."


"Crawford's got no skills
But pays the bills
By going on kills
And getting cheap thrills-"

"Like you?" Crawford asked wryly.

Schuldig scoffed. "I'm not cheap."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"No sex tonight."

"Again, keep telling yourself that. Where's Nagi anyway? He's usually up and ready for school at this time."

"He's doing his hair," Farfarello said. He only nodded when the American gave him an incredulous look.

"His hair?" Crawford repeated. He was about to go look for the youngest Schwarz member when he walked through the door. Wearing makeup. And two, tiny ponytails in his short hair.

"Hi!" Nagi said, high-pitched, and claimed a seat. He crossed his legs properly.

Crawford immediately looked at Schuldig, who appeared to be biting the back of his hand in an effort not to laugh. Farfarello attempted the same but in the end had to shove a bagel into his mouth.

"So, like, I was thinking, right? And I think you guys should totally let me get implants. I mean, come on/, look at me! All the other girls will make fun of me and I'll /never find a date if I'm this flat-chested," the Japanese youth said without stopping for breath.

Crawford opened his mouth, then snapped it closed. Farfarello had slumped over in his chair, shoulders shaking, while Schuldig slid off of his chair in his fit of laughter.

"Stop laughing at me, guys! It isn't funny, ya know? Actually, no, I don't need your permission. I am going to get implants. I'm a mature woman now and can do what I want!" Nagi huffed. In a whirl of pink and clicking heels, the telekinetic stalked out of this kitchen. The front door closed behind him.

Crawford turned slowly towards the telepath. "Schuldig...."

"I'm gone," the German stated. He was already out of the kitchen by the time Crawford gave chase.

Farfarello sighed happily and munched on his bagel. Never a dull day.
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