Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco

The Truth Only in Death

by killmyending 4 reviews

Ryan Ross is dead and there were things left unsaid. Ry/Bren one-shot

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst, Drama, Romance - Published: 2007-01-31 - Updated: 2007-02-01 - 1274 words - Complete

Brendon, Jon and Spencer walked up to Ryan's coffin.

Therin lay George Ryan Ross III.

The boy beautiful in life and now in death.

His makeup and hair had been done in some semblance of the way he used to do it himself but it wasn't the same.

His clothes were smooth and unwrinkled.

With his hands clasped gently and his expression peaceful anyone would not immediately think that this boy was deceased.

Brendon stood close to the coffin.

"Ryan I... I..." he whispered desperately. "...I fucking hate you." he finished, this time his voice was stronger but anyone who was listening would know that this was not the way he had intended to finish up the sentence. Brendon knew it too. Even in death he was still lying to Ryan.

Spencer nudged him gently, his cheeks were wet from crying.

"Go and sit down." he whispered quietly.

Jon grabbed Brendon by the arm and guided him to his seat, touching Spencer on the arm in a gesture of comfort as he passed.

Brendon and Jon watched Spencer walk up to the podium and ready himself to speak.

Brendon's eyes kept wandering back to Ryan: the dearly departed and sorely missed.


The church was filled with many people, a sea of black garb and tear filled eyes.

Spencer Smith stood at the podium to address the gathering, he was hoping he could do this.

Give justice to the memory of a person who deserved it.

He saw Brendon and Jon in the first pew. They were solemn and Brendon's gaze kept wandering to Ryan's coffin.

Who knew how they'd cope now that Ryan was gone?

Spencer steadied himself on the podium and drew in a deep breath.

"Welcome friends, family and guests," he began.

"We are here today to acknowledge the life and achievements of Ryan Ross. My brother. Not in blood but in bond.

For everyone that knew Ryan you will know what I mean when I say that he was amazing. Kind, gentle, understanding. For those that never had a chance to know him, you missed out on something beautiful.

I have known Ryan since we were only young children. Even when he was a child he would be selfless. He'd do things to help me even if it ment he'd get hurt himself. That's the kind of person that Ryan Ross was.

Every memory I have of him is a good one, many of you I'm sure are not reluctant to agree that Ryan was the type of person who could brighten even the darkest of days. I know he brightened mine."

Spencer stopped to wipe the tears that had begun to flow.

"Ry... Ryan, he was the type of person who you'd only hope to have as a friend and I was lucky enough to have met him. Every day I felt blessed and as every day passes, I still do feel blessed to have spent the time I did with him.

Although his time on this earth was cut short abruptly, I think Ryan would believe he lived his days to the best. He always believed in living life to the fullest, he taught me that. He treasured every day, as I did and do even more so now. There's a moral to this but I think it need not be said.

Ryan treasured those aroun him. He adored his friends and family and loved the fans for supporting the band as they did. He often told me so.

I have something to read now. Something Ryan wrote, for the people he loved"

Spencers hands trembled as he unfolded the crisp white paper, Ryan's handwriting, small and cursive, flooded the page. Spencer had given up trying to stem the flow of tears that were steadily staining his cheeks, as he prepared himself to read what Ryan had written. He had made Spencer promise that this would be read at his funeral if he happened to die, almost as if he knew he was going to be in the car accident that ended his life a week later.

"If this this is being read, I hope it's by Spencer.
If this is being heard, I hope the people I wrote this for are listening.

Mom, I want you to know that I love you for eternity. Dad, too. Life's too short not to forgive.

Spencer, Jon, Brendon, you guys mean the world to me. You made me realise so many things about the world. So many things that seemed more inviting when taught by you."

Spencer's voice shook as he continued to read Ryan's note. He folded the paper as neatly as he could when he had finished.

"Wherever Ryan is, I know his light will shine as brightly as it did when he was alive.

Rest in peace Ryan Ross.

Beautiful in life as in death."

Spencer finished. He wiped at his tears as he took a seat next to Brendon.

Brendon cried silently, inside he was hurting.

He remembered the last thing they had said to each other.

'I hate you' those words had been shared between them.

Brendon had regretted it as soon as the words had left his lips. He had lied, he knew it.

He had never even got the chance to set it right.

Even up until this funeral he had been lying to himself, to Ry.

He had tried to convince himself that he hated Ryan. Hated him for leaving. For dieing.

Spencer had retrieved something from his jacket pocket and handed it to Brendon. It was a folded piece of paper.

Brendon unfolded it and he recognised Ryan's handwriting.

"He wanted to give it to you after the fight you guys had, I think you should read it." Spencer whispered.

Brendon lowered his eyes to the note and began to read.

I am deeply sorry for what happened. I hope my apology will be accepted.
It hurt me inside to fight like we did.
I need to tell you something and I know that it would be better to share in person but writing to you is easier for me.
I hope you'll understand why.
Brendon Boyd Urie, I love you. Always have.
I've just never found the right time to tell you. I've never been sure you shared the feeling and even now I'm sure you don't.
Because you said you hated me. I don't care whether you do but I need you to know that when I said I hated you, I wasn't telling
the truth. I was hurting and trying to hurt you.
I need to be forgiven, Brendon and I need to apologise.
If you never want to speak to me again, I'll understand but I needed you to know how I feel.
I love you.

- Ryan

Brendon's face was now drenched in tears, his sobs were loud.

It was too late now. He had been a fool.

He had denied it for the longest time and now it was too late.

The truth had been revealed in death. Now it was an impossibility.

Beautiful Ryan Ross, now torn away, out of life.

Brendon's heart ached.

"I love you , Ryan." he spoke through his tears.

Finally he spoke the truth.


"Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way
I will sacrifice 'til the blinding day when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow"


[A.N] This is completely fiction. I do not wish Ryan Ross death and never will.
I'd appreciate feedback, so please, review.
Thank you.
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