Categories > Games > Golden Sun

Picard and the Mary Sue

by Dracobolt 1 review

While out for a walk one day, Piers meets Mary Sue, and his life is turned upside-down.

Category: Golden Sun - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor, Parody, Romance - Characters: Piers - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2005-08-28 - Updated: 2005-08-28 - 2793 words - Complete

Disclaimer: I do not own Golden Sun.

Once upon a time, there was a rat. The rat's name was Mary Sue. One day, while the rat was crawling around doing whatever it is that rats do, it saw a beautiful vision. The vision had long, blue hair.

"Oh, Picard!" cried the rat, whose name was Mary Sue. "I love you so much it hurts!" What Mary Sue didn't realize was that a rabid weasel was biting its bottom.

"Oh, Mary Sue," replied Picard with heartfelt compassion, "My name is Piers. But I still love you! But, alas, our love is not to be. For what would people say if they heard I loved a rat named Mary Sue?"

"Oh, Picard," said Mary Sue, ignoring the fact that his name was really Piers, "I shall love you until the end of time. Before you leave me, please kiss me once, for old times sake."

"Though we don't have any old times for this to be the sake of, I shall comply." And with that, Piers kissed the rat on its lips. There was a rather cliched puff of smoke and where there had been a rat a moment before stood a beautiful young woman. Her golden ebony raven silver crimson magenta hair cascaded down her back and her hazel green cinnamon gold black reddish silver eyes sparkled with mystery. She had curves in all the right places, and a mysteriously tragic but still somehow lovely crescent moon shaped scar on her bare shoulder. Her ears were pointed, furry, elven cat ears, and her wings were shimmery gossamer.

"Oh, Mary Sue," breathed Piers, his breath taken away by the vision of loveliness before him. "I know a place where we won't be disturbed. C'mon!"

"Oh, Picard!" cried Mary Sue, still blatantly ignoring the fact that his name was Piers. "I'll follow you anywhere! To the ends of the earth, to the brink of death, and best of all, to your bedroom!"

Piers swept Mary Sue into his arms and whistled for his steed, which he had won off Kent in a poker game. Piers leapt atop the gallant stallion and he and Mary Sue galloped off into the sunset in search of a motel where they could get it on.

- - -

Later the next day, Felix confronted Piers as the Lemurian entered Vale. "Piers, where were you?" cried Felix. "You totally missed the slumber party. Alex was so upset; he totally wanted to try braiding your hair."

"Felix, I apologize," said Piers. "Did I miss anything exciting?"

Felix thought. "Well, Jenna did tell us that she was totally crushing on Garet. Oh, and Alex gave us all pedicures. Don't my toenails look just so cool?" He pointed to his feet. Bright pink toenails stuck out in his sandals.

"I am sorry I missed it," said Piers. "But I wish to introduce everyone to my new lover."

"Your ... new lover?" Felix asked uncertainly.

"Yes," said Piers, taking a rat out of his pocket.

"It's a rat," said Felix.

"It has a name, you know," said Piers.

"Actually, I don't know. And I don't want to know!" Felix cried. He slapped Piers across the face. "I thought what we had was special. And now you give it up for that ... that RAT!" Felix ran off, sobbing.

Piers stared after his friend for a minute, then set Mary Sue down on the ground. There was a rather cliched puff of smoke, and Mary Sue regained her human form. As always, she was radiantly beautiful. Her locks were cerulean cinnabar viridian lavender fuchsia pewter vermillion celadon saffron seafoam, and her orbs were brilliant verdant pools of mystery and sadness.

"Mary Sue, I am in awe of your mad skillz," said Piers. "How do you change forms like that?"

Mary Sue heaved a tragic sigh. "It is because of my mysterious past, Picard," she said. "I come from a world far, far away. My power is called being an Animagus. I learned to do this when I was ten, and ever since I have been on the run because a man named Voldemort wants me dead."

This was very confusing to poor Piers, and he decided not to ask any more questions for the time being. "I've decided not to ask any more questions for the time being," said Piers. "I want to introduce you to my friends."

Mary Sue ducked her head sadly. "Will they accept me, Piers? No one has ever accepted me once they learned the truth about me."

"Why, Mary Sue, I accept you," said Piers. "You told me the truth about you."

"Yes, but-." Piers cut Mary Sue off by planting a passionate kiss on her lips. He tenderly touched her face.

"Mary Sue, I love you, and nothing will change that. Now come on. We must go to Isaac's house, where everyone else hangs out."

- -

When Piers and Mary Sue arrived at Isaac's house, the other Adepts were already assembled there, as Felix had told them about Piers having a new lover. Felix was crying on Alex's shoulder as Piers and Mary Sue approached.

"Everyone," said Piers, "I would like you to meet Mary Sue."

"Hi, Mary Sue," the group chorused in unison.

"Mary Sue and I are in love," Piers said. Felix let out a sob and fled the room. The other Adepts stared after him. After a minute of uncomfortable silence, Piers cleared his throat and spoke again. "Mia, Jenna, Sheba, perhaps one of you could find a place for Mary Sue to stay?"

"I'll take care of her," Jenna said, a slight undercurrent of menace in her tone. Mary Sue trembled at this, but no one else noticed.

"That's great," Piers said with a smile. He turned to talk to Alex about hair care techniques, as the Mercury Adept was Vale's beauty expert.

"You're coming with me," Jenna growled, grabbing Mary Sue's arm and pulling her from the house.

- -

"Where are you taking me?" Mary Sue cried as Jenna towed her to a secluded spot on the outskirts of Vale.

"Here is good enough." Jenna said. "Now, Mary Sue, I'm gonna teach you a lesson. You never should have come here. Piers loves you now, and because of that, Felix's heart is broken." Jenna threw a ball of fire at Mary Sue, then kicked her. "Ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha." Jenna continued to beat the crap out of Mary Sue. "This will teach you!" Jenna exclaimed. "Serpent Fume!" Just as the powerful Mars attack would have hit Mary Sue, there was a flash of blue light.

"Shade!" a familiar voice cried out. Piers appeared in the clearing, having unleashed a shielding Djinn to save Mary Sue from the crazed Jenna.

"Picard ..." murmured Mary Sue, before falling unconscious.

"Jenna, how could you do this?" Piers asked, appalled.

Jenna faced him defiantly. "Because of that girl, Felix's heart is broken! And... and so is mine!" Jenna ran off, sobbing.

Piers sighed unhappily, then bent down to tenderly gather the unconscious form of Mary Sue in his arms so that he could take her to be healed.


When Mary Sue woke up, she was lying in an unfamiliar bed. "Where am I?" she asked.

"You're in the Sanctum," Piers told her, walking over and taking her hand in his. "When Jenna attacked you, you fell unconscious, so I brought you here to be healed." He dropped her hand and frowned. "However, by the time we got here, your wounds were gone. It was most strange."

Mary Sue closed her eyes sadly. "That is because of who I really am. Picard, I need to tell you all something very important."

Piers nodded understandingly. "Let's go back to Isaac's house."

- -

"Everyone, I must confess something," Mary Sue said. All of the Adepts were there, even Jenna, though she had come reluctantly, and Kraden as well. "I ... am a Pluto Adept."

There was a collective gasp from the others. "But how could that be?" asked Kraden. "There are only four elements, and Pluto is not one of them."

Mary Sue shook her head. "Pluto is an inverse element. It is the opposite of Venus, and a special effect of being a Pluto Adept is extraordinary healing powers."

"I see," said Kraden. "It all makes perfect, logical, indisputable sense."

"I am the last Pluto Adept," continued Mary Sue, "and the last inverse adept, too. Because of this, I have a unique and special destiny to fulfill." She paused and looked beseechingly at the others. "Will you all help me?"

"I'll help you, Mary Sue," Isaac said, standing and striking a heroic pose. "After all, I saved the world once already."

"Oh, you did not just go there," exclaimed Felix, snapping his fingers. "You're the one that tried to stop us from lighting the lighthouses!"

"The lighthouses are lit?" cried Mary Sue. "Oh no! This is terrible!"

Isaac stuck his tongue out at Felix, then asked Mary Sue, "Why is it so terrible?"

"Now that Alchemy is unleashed upon the world, the Dra'agnar will awake. They are horrible monsters who will ravage the world unless I fulfill my destiny."

"What is this 'destiny'?" Mia asked skeptically.

"That... I cannot reveal yet," Mary Sue said. "What we need to do is journey to Mt. Aleph. I'm sure it will be a long, arduous journey, but I hope you all will support me in saving the world."

"Actually, Mary Sue," said Alex, "Mt. Aleph is about an hour's walk from here. I was buried under it for about a week, so I should know."

"Let us set off, then!" cried Mary Sue. "We must hurry before the Dra'agnar catch us." She ran from Isaac's house with Piers closely following. Everyone else looked at each other, shrugged, then followed at a more leisurely pace.

- -

They stood at the top of the heap of rubble that was Mt. Aleph.

"Now what?" asked Ivan.

"Now I dance," replied Mary Sue. "It is a ritual dance that beseeches Sol and Luna to align the elements to good to create a Golden Age once again." Mary Sue stepped to the center of the large rock strewn area. Before she could begin her dance, however, a giant monster appeared.

"What the heck is that?" yelled Garet, grabbing his sword.

"It's a Dra'agnar!" cried Mary Sue. "You must hold it off until I can perform the dance." With that she began the ritual. She put her right foot in, and she put her right foot out. She put her right foot in, and she shook it all about. She turned herself around, and that was what it was all about. While she was doing this, the other Adepts were battling the Dra'agnar. One by one they fell to the monster's claws, teeth, horns, fire breath, and horrible singing voice. Only Piers was left standing, trying valiantly to defeat the monster. His attacks had little effect, so the Dra'agnar turned its attention to Mary Sue who was now sliding back and forth and stomping her feet.

"Mary Sue!" cried Piers. Mary Sue saw the monster coming, but she kept dancing. Just as the Dra'agnar slashed his claw at Mary Sue, Piers threw himself in front of the attack. At that moment, Mary Sue finished her dance, and the balance of good was restored to Weyard. The Dra'agnar disappeared into nothingness. Piers lay motionless on the ground. The other Adepts slowly got to their feet and came over to stand by Mary Sue and Piers.

"No, Picard," Mary Sue said sadly. "You gave your life for me."

"It- it was... urgh ... worth it," Piers said, dying.

Mary Sue blinked back tears. "This cannot be happening. I cannot allow it." She stood and spread her arms. "Magical Angel Life Spell!" she cried. Energy flowed from her body to Piers's. Slowly, the Lemurian's wounds healed. When the spell was complete, Mary Sue crumpled to the ground.

"Oh, Mary Sue," Piers lamented. "You gave your life to save me. I promise that to live life to the fullest so that you will not have died in vain."

"Well, I'm not dead yet."

"Well, you will not have been mortally wounded in vain."

"I'm getting better. I think I could pull through."

"No, no, Mary Sue. It is better this way." Piers turned to his friends. "Isaac, Felix,"

"On it," Isaac replied. He and Felix used their Psyenergy to erect a burial mound over Mary Sue, ignoring her terrified shrieks.

"Kraden, will you lead us in prayer?" asked Piers, speaking loudly to be heard over Mary Sue's sobbing pleas.

"Oh, Sol, Luna, gather the soul of this unfortunate unto thine bosoms," Kraden intoned somberly, "And grant her eternal peace with thee." They all stood with their heads bowed for a moment.

"What a lovely service," Mia sighed.

"Yes," agreed Sheba. She paused for a moment, listening. "Why, I can almost hear her voice."

"You can!" Mary Sue shrieked from her tomb.

Ivan shook his head sadly. "Must be the wind."

Felix took Piers's hand. "Let's go home, Piers. I wanna try braiding your hair."

Piers looked lovingly at his friend. "There's nobody else who I would rather have do that."

- - -

"Piers? Piers, wake up!" Piers came awake with a start. Felix was standing by his bed in the room of the inn that they shared, looking concerned. "Are you okay? You were tossing around and saying some really weird things in your sleep."

"Nothing about you, though?" Piers asked, alarmed. He sat up in bed and looked at Felix anxiously.

"No," said Felix. "I heard some things about, um, Mary Sue, and hair braiding, and Adepts, but that was it. Why?"

"Nothing, Felix," said Piers, relieved. "It was a disturbing dream, but I'm over it. I believe I will go back to sleep now. Thank you for your concern, though." Piers laid back down, pulled the covers over his head, and pretended to be asleep. He heard Felix return to his own bed. Piers closed his eyes and was almost asleep when the door to the room opened. Piers sat up and strained to see who it was in the darkened room.

"Isaac? Garet? Ivan? Is that you?" he asked.

"No, Piers," came a sweet feminine voice. The person who had spoken stepped into a patch of moonlight streaming from a window. Piers stared in shock. It was Mary Sue, wearing the skimpiest excuse for a nightgown Piers had ever seen. It looked like it belonged to a prostitute. Piers tore his eyes away from the mahogany pewter ivory raven haired beauty, blushing.

"M-Mary Sue, what are you doing in here?" He thought about that for a moment. "How can you be here, anyway? You're a figment of my imagination, a dream!"

Mary Sue pouted. "Piers, silly, I've been traveling with you and the others since that time you saved me from a band of random bandits who popped out of nowhere."

Piers shook his head. "I am afraid you are mistaken."

Mary Sue giggled. "Piers, honey, stop joking. You know we're in love. Look!" She shoved her hand in front of his face. On her finger was a golden ring. "We are engaged to be married after the lighthouses are lit. You said you would take me back to Lemuria, give me some of the special draught, and then we'd live together forever!"

Piers couldn't take it anymore. "NO!" he screamed and fell unconscious.

- - -

"Piers! Piers, wake up!" Piers slowly opened his eyes, wondering what fresh hell he would wake to. He saw Mia standing over him, with the other Adepts standing behind her, crowded into the rather small inn room that Piers and Felix were sharing.

"Good, you're awake," Mia said. "You wouldn't stop screaming. We were quite worried."

"What was that about?" Jenna asked. "You have a bad dream or something?"

"Bad does not even begin to describe it," Piers said with a shudder. "I would prefer not to talk about it. I am fine now."

"Alright," said Mia. "You don't need any medicine, then?"

"I'm fine," Piers reassured her. Mia and the others left. Soon, only Felix was still there.

"If you're okay now, I'm going back to sleep, Piers," said Felix.

"Wait, Felix," said Piers. "Have you ever met a girl named Mary Sue?"

"Mary Sue?" Felix repeated. "Nope, can't say that I have."

"Good," said Piers, relieved. He closed his eyes, then opened them again immediately. He did not wish to fall asleep and chance another encounter with Mary Sue. Piers slipped out of bed and put on a cloak. He left the inn silently to take a walk. Suddenly, Piers saw a rat on the ground near his feet.

"Hiya, hot stuff," said the rat.

Piers screamed.
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