Categories > Anime/Manga > Berserk > The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

by previously_recorded 2 reviews

Takes place the night before Griffith becomes a knight. Guts and Griffith have a discussion about what will happen now, and what will happen to them. Oneshot Yaoi GutsGriffith

Category: Berserk - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst, Drama - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2005-09-02 - Updated: 2005-09-02 - 3874 words - Complete


The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Promises Long Forgotten

In all of his wildest dreams he had never even imagined that it could be like this. How could such a small band of misfits form the most powerful army in Midland? But moreover how could he be caught in the middle of it? He shifted on the cold stone of the fort they were now occupying, trying his hardest to get comfortable in such a position. Guts lifted his sword above his head, pointing it at the moon as if that were his one target. Snow fell onto the tip of his blade, but he hardly noticed it as he just lay there in deep thought. Things had progressed so far in such a short period of time that it was almost surreal where his life was now.

Guts could hear the quietly padding footsteps coming up behind him, but he didn't even bother to turn around, or for that matter even try to defend himself. There was only one person he knew that could sneak up on you so quietly, and there was really no reason to put your guard up around them...not anymore at least.

"If I didn't know any better I'd say that you actually wanted to catch a cold." The deceivingly soft voice rang in his ears, and for the first time that night he felt some form of tranquility. But then again he didn't know why that at all surprised him. Hearing that sound was the only time the voices every stopped...the only time he ever knew any peace.

In response to the comment Guts just hmphed and slowly lowered his sword, feeling his muscles contract on the way down. But it wasn't always so, normally the sound of the voice would probably irritate the hell out of him. But not anymore, not since that voice had become so much more to him.

A cold hand was laid on the junction of his shoulder, and unlike what would happen with most people, Guts did not flinch away from the touch. "Turn over." At the command Guts didn't even think about why it was being asked. He just instinctively dropped his sword to the ground and turned over on his stomach.

While resting his head comfortably in his arms he sighed as a familiar weight settled onto the small of his back. Guts' entire body began to tingle as graceful fingers kneaded into all of the sore muscles in his back from the previous battle. "You're so tense need to learn to relax." He could feel hair fall onto his face as the voice leaned down to his ear and playfully whispered. "I don't make you nervous do I?"

Nervous wasn't exactly the word he would use to describe the way the body on top of him made him feel. Now he could think of a few other adjectives that might fit in better; envious, perplexed, angry, spiteful, but at the moment he would mostly have to say aroused. Despite the cold his whole body felt like it was on fire at every small touch from the massage he was getting, and as unbearable as all of this was, it was even more unbearable when those fingers traveled to his neck, and those fingers turned into sultry lips that seared his skin with each kiss.

Not being able to take it anymore, Guts turned back around, making the slim body on top of him come to rest on his hips. At seeing the look of lust in those bright blue eyes he pulled the mouth towards him, crushing the bubblegum pink lips against his. He pushed his eager tongue into the other's mouth and was happy when his partner responded with just as much vigor. In fact their tongues continued to battle until the lack of oxygen became unbearable and Guts pulled back. His calloused hand traced the smooth cheek of the person he had just been sucking face with. "Griffith."

Those same bubblegum lips that he had just been kissing turned up a little in a smile. "I hope this is the greeting I get every time I decide to some save you from killing yourself." Not bothering to respond, Guts once more pulled Griffith to his lips. He adored the pale haired white hawk, but sometimes he just talked way too much.

Guts' hands eagerly traveled up the back of Griffith's shirt, reveling in the warm alabaster skin that he was met with along the way. The pale haired warrior pulled away from his lips, and started making a wet trail down the side of his neck. He was completely compliant with the entire thing until Guts' hand dipped into his pants, and then with swift grace he pulled away.

Feeling he did something wrong, Guts pulled away from Griffith all together. Though after he did he didn't fail to notice the look of apology in those bright blue eyes. "Despite how much the invitation of sleeping with you might appeal to me, I must regretfully decline while we're out here in this freezing weather." Griffith once more leaned forward to kiss any available piece of skin he could find. "If you had come to bed when you were supposed to instead of deciding to gossip with the birds we wouldn't be having this problem in the first place."

He harshly grabbed at the head that was currently making a trail down his chest and pulled him away. "Don't talk that're starting to sound like Judeau." Griffith just smiled and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"Oh? Is that a bad thing...I happen to like Judeau." Not really knowing why, painful stabs of jealousy began boiling in the pit of his stomach, and he pulled Griffith all the more closer. The hawk seemed to think this was rather funny, because he started laughing. Two hands came up to cup his face, and a quick peck was placed on Guts' nose. "Don't worry I like you much more."

Guts laid back again, just letting Griffith rest there on his hips. "Well that's comforting." He folded his arms underneath his head and turned his face to the side. "Shouldn't you be getting to bed? You do have that big ceremony with the king tomorrow."

Griffith bent forward so that he was lying flush against Guts' body. The young mercenary's head was on his shoulder, and Guts took comfort in the way that a hand kept running through his short spikes. "Don't be upset with me should know that my body is available only for you." A peck was placed on his cheek as he snuggled closer. "And as to your sleeping request, I'd rather spend every night out here in the freezing cold than to have to go through one more night without you beside me."

That right there was one of the main reasons he considered Griffith to be such a bastard. After saying something like that it just made it physically impossible to stay mad at him, and Griffith probably knew this...making him all the more a bastard. "How is it you can turn a conversation where I'm supposed to be pissed at you into one where I'm left feeling like the asshole?"

He could feel Griffith laughing into his chest, although the sound was so faint it didn't reach his ears. Guts lifted his legs back up, forcing Griffith to also sit up and lean against his knees. "So tell me Guts whatever did I do to make you come out here in the first place...because I can't really think of anything aside from the fact that a few nights ago I had you room with Corkus, but then again that was all for show anyways. You snuck into my tent ten minutes after he was asleep."

Guts looked up to glare at Griffith, he had all but forgotten about that, but now that he thought about it that had been a rather dirty trick. They had been low on tents because their supplies had been lost in the previous battle, so everyone had to share until they got the bounty from the fight to buy more. Of course he had realized why he had been roomed with the loud mouthed cretin, the idiot just got drunk and passed out every night, making it quite easy to sneak away, but that didn't change the fact that there was absolutely no one he despised more than Corkus.

"Just stop talking. Why do you think that everything always has to be about you?" Guts had said this harshly, but you could obviously tell he wasn't serious due to the smirk that was plastered on his face. Though when Griffith didn't look in the least bit amused, he sighed and ran a hand through that silky white hair he loved so much. "I was just thinking is all."

"I see. I would ask what about but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk yet." This kind of thing was what perplexed Guts the most. The way that at times Griffith could act like such a little kid, and yet he knew the truth of the matter was that he was a fierce and cunning warrior.

Despite how adorable it was to watch Griffith pout, he really wasn't in the mood for it at the time. So instead he just opened his legs as wide as they would go, letting the pouting brat who was leaning against them fall through.

"Guts what are you?.." Griffith never got anymore out though, because Guts had now switched their positions completely so that he was now the one on top, and in such a position it didn't take him long to start devouring the before mentioned pouty mouth that never seemed to be able to stop talking.

"Does everyone get to see you being such a brat, or is that side of you reserved solely for me?" Griffith opened his mouth to respond, but knowing that it was just going to be more bullshit, Guts connecting their mouths again, effectively stopping his attack. When he pulled away he noticed how Griffith seemed to be dazed from the entire experience, and couldn't help but feel pride at the fact that he could turn one of the strongest men in the country into a delirious mess underneath him.

It was in that moment of perfect abandonment that all the thoughts he had been previously having came spinning back. The perfect site of Griffith lying underneath him didn't seem to matter anymore, because he knew it couldn't last, despite how much he might want it to. Guts picked himself off of Griffith, and pulled his knees to his chest, effectively making sure he couldn't come near him. "Someone like you being knighted is a big deal...your dream is one step closer to being fulfilled." Guts ran a hand through his spikes. "The ceremony tomorrow should be amazing...everything you've ever wished for."

Upon seeing how potentially upset Guts might be, Griffith also picked himself up. "I'm sure it will be, but its not like you're going to see it hate those kind of things." Griffith was smiling, but Guts couldn't bring himself to do anything but stare. How could one man know him so well when he didn't even know himself.

"I'll do it you know..." Guts looked up into his lover's eyes. "If you want me to go watch you be knighted I will go." A hand reached out to stroke his cheek, and he couldn't help but lean into the familiar touch.

"Why would I want you to do something I know you'll absolutely despise?" Guts looked away then. Why did Griffith have to be the way he was? It just made everything he had to get out all the more difficult.

"Because it's important to you that's why!" He had said that much more harshly than he had actually intended to, and from the look on Griffith's face it seemed that he was just as shocked.

In an attempt to lighten the situation Griffith gave a smile, and pried Guts' legs apart. He crawled back into his lap, doing the one thing Guts had been trying to prevent in the first place. Though he could never tell any of this to Griffith, because as his pale haired lover laid his head on his shoulder he realized that he could never deny Griffith anything, despite how much he might want to. "It is important to me, I'm not going to deny it...but you're more important." Guts breath hitched a little, and not really knowing what else to do he began to stroke the hair that was cascaded on his shoulder.

Griffith was just playing with the behelit that hung around his neck, not noticing the turmoil Guts was facing right now. How could Griffith just have said that to him so nonchalantly? How could he just tell him that he meant more to him than his own dream? "How can you say such things?"

Guts stared amazed at Griffith, who just looked up from his necklace and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. "What things?" Guts just continued to stare, his eyebrow twitching a little in annoyance. "Listen Guts I know you don't want to go, and it's not like I'm going to hold it against Caska's a different story...but me I don't mind." Griffith touched their mouths gently together again, and when he didn't feel Guts respond pulled back. "But just to let you know when I become king your attendance is mandatory."

He was sure that it had been meant as a joke, but it was took as anything but. Everything that was pointing to the fact that this could go on no longer was brought to the surface at that statement. "Griffith?" In response to that all the pale haired warrior did was snuggle deeper into his chest. "I think...I think we should end it."

They had been the hardest words he had ever had to say in his life, and judging from the way Griffith had stiffened in his arms they hadn't been exactly the easiest to hear either. He pushed himself off of his chest, and Guts could see the look of complete confusion on his face. "End it? You don't want to be with me anymore?"

As Griffith got off of his lap altogether, Guts wanted to scream to him that of course he wanted to be with him. He wanted to tell him that the only time he ever knew any happiness was when he was in his arms, but he didn't say that, instead all he said was. "No."

Guts watched as Griffith stood up and leaned against the wall. His hand was placed over his mouth as if he was going to be sick, but then it was like a transformation seemed to happen. He watched in fascination as the Griffith that he only had the privilege to see all but disappeared, and the cold uncaring leader of the Band of the Hawk reappeared. His face became a mask, completely emotionless, completely cold. "Very well."

White hair swung around as Griffith turned his back on him and began walking back towards camp. Guts watched as the only thing he cared about was about to walk away forever, and he just couldn't let it end like this. "Wait!" Griffith halted in his movements, but didn't turn back around. "Don't you want to know why?"

"Does it really matter?" His voice was cold and uncaring, and even though it would just be easy to say no here and get what he needed to get done over with he didn't. Instead he said...

"Yes." Guts pushed himself up onto his feet, and walked so that he was standing directly behind Griffith.

"If it's so important for you to tell me about my misgivings then go ahead and get them off your chest." He wasn't sure but he thought he heard Griffith scoff. "God only knows this must be so terrible for you." Now he was almost positive that Griffith had scoffed earlier, because that was without a doubt sarcasm.

Guts laid a hand on his lover's shoulder, and felt a pain in his chest when it was brushed off. After he had felt the pain though he shook his head in disgust. How could he be feeling bad about this? He was the one that was doing this. "I did it for you Griffith...I did it so you can fulfill your dream."

He did turn around at that statement, and Guts noticed with extreme sadness that he beautiful blue eyes were filled with tears. "You did this for me? You did this for my dream?" Griffith wrapped his arms around himself, obviously trying desperately not to cry. "How does breaking my heart help fulfill my dream?"

Knowing he had to do something, Guts made a move to grab Griffith, only to have his grasp completely evaded. He had never meant to hurt him. He really had been doing this for him...for both of them. "Do you think I'm an idiot Griffith? Do you think I don't know what you're going to have to do to eventually become king?"

Griffith was staring at the ground now, and Guts could see how his shoulders were shaking. "What are you talking about?" His heart wrenched at how his voice sounded so broken, but it's not as if he could take it back. No, everything had gone too far to be able to take it back at this point.

"The easiest way for you to gain control of this kingdom is for you to..." He felt his voice constrict, but he forced the rest of the statement out. "marry the princess." Blue eyes snapped up to his at that moment, as if he had just been caught in some dirty lie.

"You know that she would never mean anything to..." Guts placed a finger on Griffith's mouth to silence the rest of the statement.

"Regardless if she meant anything to you, you being with me would only complicate I think we should end it before we grow too attached." Guts wasn't about to let Griffith give up his future for him, and even if he was still with him after he married the princess there was always a chance that the two of them would get caught and he refused to let him ruin his life.

He noticed that Griffith was shaking again, and knew that it probably didn't have anything to do with the cold. "Before we become too attached..." His voice was far away, and when he looked up again you could see furry in his eyes. Because he had never expected it, Guts didn't even bother to block the fist that crashed into his mouth. "Before we get too attached!" He wiped the blood off his mouth, completely shocked at Griffith's raised voice. "What do you call all those nights I let you fuck me and told you I loved you!? What do you call all the times you told me you loved me back!?" Guts' eyes widened to saucers when he actually did see tears fall from Griffith's eyes. "Did it really mean nothing to you?!" A sob escaped his throat and he fell to his knees. "Did it really mean nothing?"

Panicking, Guts dropped to his knees and pulled Griffith towards him. "Of course it meant something meant the world to me." Griffith had until this point been sitting still in his arms, but now he moved a little to fist his shirt. "I never knew happiness existed before you...I do love you, so much it hurts in fact." He kissed the top of Griffith's head, pulling him all the closer. "I was only trying to protect you." He stopped himself. "No that's a lie, I was really trying to protect myself." He laid his chin on the top of his small lover's head. "I was trying to protect myself against you ever leaving me...of knowing that although you said you loved me you slept in someone else's bed every night. And knowing that while she was wrapped in your arms you would eventually fall out of love with me and in love with her."

Guts wrapped his arms securely around Griffith, and pulled him as close as possible, so close in fact that he almost didn't hear the muffled voice from the body in his arms. "How could you ever think that?" Guts pulled back a little when Griffith looked up at him. "How could you ever think I could leave you? Or for that matter care about anyone more than you?" Very tenderly Griffith leaned forward and touched their mouths together, slowly massaging his lips. When Griffith pulled back he was no longer an emotional wreck, in fact he had a smile on his face. "Don't you remember the promise I made to you the night we first made love?"

"Promise?" Griffith's smile widened, and he rearranged himself so that he was leaning back against Guts' hard chest. Guts quickly wrapped his arms around his lover, wanting to remember this promise he had made him.

"I remember quite clearly three years ago...after the battle when I first told about my dream to have my own kingdom, you came to me that night and told me about how you really felt." Guts couldn't help but laugh at that, he did remember that quite clearly. After the battle he couldn't stop thinking about Griffith, and in an attempt to make it stop he had gone to his commander's tent. Once there he had punched him, told him he hated him, and then ended up kissing him. That kissing had soon turned into much more, and Guts had ended up taking Griffith right there.

"Yeah I remember that...but I don't recall any promise you made me." This time it was Griffith who started to laugh.

"Well you wouldn't would you? You were after all asleep in my arms." Guts still had no idea what this promise might be, but he placed a kiss on Griffith's shoulder just because he could imagine the man making some kind of ground breaking promise to him when he wasn't even awake to hear it. "I promised you then that nothing would ever make me leave you...I told you that you were mine and would be until one of us died."

Guts eyes widened when in the back of his mind he had thought he had a dream where Griffith told him just that, but now he couldn't help but think that it might not have been a dream at all. "You're right...I had forgotten." Griffith turned around then and kissed him, and as Guts' mouth was connected to his own, the dark haired warrior couldn't help but think that whatever might lie ahead of them they would always have that promise. He would be with Griffith until he died...nothing could ever make him leave him...nothing.
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