All I Have
Did You Ever Think That You Would Be This Blessed?
He had always been there. For as long as he had this life he had always been there. But the thing he could never seem to figure out was why. Why would someone as important as Yukimura Sanada take pity on a small crying boy in the woods? The only thing he could really think of was that at the time Yukimura must have been really drunk. But seriously who was he kidding himself, Yukimura was always drunk.
This time though after a heavy bout of drinking he had run into him, and then probably thought it was a good idea at the time to drag him along. He probably woke up the next morning with a huge hangover, and an even huger surprise when he saw an eight year old boy was now with him.
But really he knew the truth of the whole matter, even though at the time Sasuke didn't realize what it was back then. He had fallen in love with Yukimura the day he had offered him a hand when no one else would. But now he wasn't a little boy, now he had been traveling with him for almost eight years, and he would be 16 soon.
It had been three years since they had left Kyo and Yuya, and now they were back at Kudo mountain, and truthfully he had to say he was bored. Just sitting around here doing nothing just didn't hold the same excitement it once did before the whole ordeal. Though now that he thought of it, never had doing nothing held any sort of excitement.
"You know Sasuke if you let your mouth hang open any further, not only are you gonna drool all over the place, but a bug is going to make it's home in that wide hole you call a mouth." Oh yeah, he had left that part out hadn't he.
"Shut up Kotoro." His friend had come with them back to the mountain, and now he was one of the Jyuyuushi. "No one asked your opinion." The ninja walked closer, and plopped into the space beside him.
"Yeah but you got it, and I know you want it." Why was it that the little brat had come with them in the first place? Sasuke sighed in defeat. He really couldn't be all that mad, because he had been the one to invite him. "So what are you doing out here anyways?"
Kotoro had obviously been bored too, because why the hell else would he feel the need to pester him. He did have to say that he was proud of his friend though. He was becoming like the old Kotoro he knew. He no longer acted like that cold backstabber Makora of the Jyunishinshou. "I was just thinking is all."
That little blond bastard elbowed him playfully in the side, and just as he was about to murder him for ever thinking he could do such a thing, the words for why he did it left his mouth. "Yeah? Well I bet I know who about."
Feeling more fear than he was letting on, Sasuke bit out his next statement. "What are you talking about Kotoro? I swear half the stuff that comes out of your mouth is just stupid, or it doesn't even make any sense. You're starting to act more and more like Yukimura every day."
To Sasuke's surprise a triumphant smile just appeared on the blond ninja's face. "Exactly." Exactly? That didn't even make any sense. He had been kidding when he said he was acting like Yukimura, but he actually thought now that he could have gone that crazy.
"What the hell does that even mean Kotoro?" In Sasuke's opinion his ninja friend was treading on dangerous territory, and as soon as he could he would get it to stop.
Kotoro leaned back, and placed a hand on his exposed stomach, circling his bellybutton with the tip of his finger. "What do you think it means Sarutobi?" He looked over to him. "Or do I have to have long black hair and baby blue eyes to get you to answer me?"
So that was what this was about. They had sort of had this conversation before, but Sasuke had put a stop to it before it could really start. "I assume you're talking about Sanada. What does he have to do with anything ninja?"
"Well for you...everything." Sasuke glared. Why the hell did he think he knew so much. He didn't know him, he didn't know anything about him. Well okay he probably knew him the best out of anyone. They did grow up together and all. "You would do anything he beckoned you to."
Sasuke pulled out his kendama, fully prepared to fling the little ball at Kotoro at any time. He was out of line with that one, and he probably knew he was. "I would not do anything he asked. But he is my master Kotoro, and my friend."
The ninja scoffed at that, and continued to draw patterns on his flawless stomach. "I'm your friend too, and I don't see you letting me hug you anytime I want and ruffle your hair...not that I'd want to mind you, but it's still the principle of the matter."
"Oh I'm so sorry Kotoro...I'll make sure to let you hug me next time you annoy the hell out of me to do it...oh wait that's never." Sasuke stuck a finger up while proving his point. "Yukimura on the other hand is always bugging me, and treating me like a little kid."
"It must annoy you." Kotoro sat up, all the playfulness was gone from both his face and his voice. "Someone you care so deeply for treating you like you're nothing more than an infant." That was one thing Kotoro really had a gift at, he was just so good at rubbing salt in already open wounds.
Sasuke pulled his knees up to his chin, just glancing at the vast countryside from where they lived. "What do you know about anything...you know nothing about how I feel." How could he know anything about the pain he went through everyday because of his unrequited feelings? How could he know the rejection he felt in his heart every time Yukimura referred to him as little, knowing that nothing could ever happen because of it.
"Oh believe me Sasuke I know only too well what it feels like to ache for someone who will never feel anything for you back." Intrigued Sasuke glanced over to his friend, and for the first time noticed the look he was giving him. It was the same look that he had often given Yukimura when he knew he wasn't looking, and for the first time realized what this might mean.
"Kotoro you don't mean..." This caused the blond ninja to smile.
"Don't worry Sasuke I'm not going to rape or anything...I'm fully aware you're not into me." The ninja leaned forward, cupping Sasuke's face. "But that doesn't mean you're not into him."
The youngest Jyuyuushi batted the hand away, and did the best he could to shield his face from view. That way Kotoro couldn't see the hurt in it from being so obviously spotted. His silver hair fell in front of his eyes, making the emotions on his face just a shadow. "You don't understand, Yukimura is...Yukimura is..." Untouchable, unreadable, beautiful, kind, loveable, so many adjectives to describe his master, and yet he couldn't bring himself to say one of them. But then again he didn't really need to, his statement was answered for him.
"The coolest and most gorgeous samurai ever to live?" Sasuke really thought that if he could see himself he would have jumped at least 10 feet in the air at the sound of that voice.
He spun around to see the object of his affections just standing there smiling at him. "Yukimura what the hell are you doing here!" How long had he been here? More importantly how much had he heard?
A hand was placed on the top of his head. "Calm down Sasuke...don't get so stressed out all the time. It's not good for your health." He wasn't stressed out, he was freaking out.
"I'm not stressed Yukimura...you're a rotten spy!" Yukimura smiled, and ran a hand through his silky locks.
"Spying?" He said this as if this was the strangest notion in the world. "I wasn't spying on you Sasuke." He tilted his head to the side. "But should I have been?" Sasuke looked at his completely slack posture, and his hand was resting rather comfortably on his side. He was playing with him again.
"Well if you weren't spying why are you here?" Yukimura had been gone the last three weeks. He was on some diplomatic mission at Edo, and wasn't supposed to be back for another two weeks. Even though Sasuke would never admit this to anyone, he had greatly missed the samurai while he was gone.
Yukimura just shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, I guess I just missed you." Not being able to stop himself, Sasuke blushed a deep red at that statement. Even though he knew Yukimura was just joking, that sentence still affected him in ways the samurai would never know. "But I can see that you didn't miss me too much. Do I really annoy you that much Sasuke?"
It was just too much, the boy stared at the way his master seemed to stick his lip out in a pout, and there was only one thing he could say. "You're an idiot." His gaze flickered over to Kotoro who had just been patiently watching their exchange, and he saw how the ninja was smiling. God he was a bastard. "You never answered me about why you're here."
"Yes I did." Sasuke scowled. Sometimes he could be so difficult. No strike that, all the times he could just be so difficult.
"Let me rephrase that...you never told me the real reason." His blue eyes flickered over to where Kotoro was standing, and then turned back to him.
"Would you like to go on a walk with me?" Sasuke glanced over to Kotoro, and Yukimura seeming to read his thoughts added. "Of course that's only if Kotoro doesn't mind."
Kotoro waved his hand through the air. "Oh I don't mind...you guys enjoy your time together." Sasuke blushed when the blond ninja winked at him. He looked over to Yukimura in fear that he might have caught the underlining message there, but the samurai seemed happily oblivious to the world around him. He waved at Sasuke. "I'll see you later Sarutobi, and then we can finish our talk." He smirked at him. "Oh and I expect all the juicy details from you." Kotoro disappeared, and it was probably a good thing to, because if he had stuck around any longer Sasuke really would have killed him.
He nervously looked over to Yukimura, half expecting a look of disgust to be on his face, but his master was just looking out into the nearby rice fields. "That Kotoro is sure a strange one...Don't you think so?" His gaze turned from the fields back to him, and it made Sasuke gulp from just being in the heat of such a stare.
"Yeah...I guess so." Yukimura smiled before he began walking up the trail to the top of the mountain. He didn't tell him to follow, but Sasuke only assumed that was what he wanted him to do. He couldn't help but take a moment to just stare at Yukimura's back. Why had he come back so early? What possible reason would he have to come back here to a place Sasuke knew he despised?
Yukimura was now a good deal ahead of him, and so he ran to catch up. By the time he had reached his master they were both almost to the top of the mountain, and the silver haired boy took a moment to catch his breath.
The view really was gorgeous. There were trees for miles around, and in the middle of the trees were the rice paddies from where the local tenants farmed. But the most remarkable part of the view was how the sun was just going down, illuminating Yukimura's figure so that it seemed to glow. Or maybe it had nothing at all to do with the sun, maybe it was just the fact that he always seemed to glow in his eyes.
Not noticing the stares he was receiving, Yukimura sank to his knees and found a comfortable spot on the ground, pulling out the jug of sake that had been slung over his shoulder. He placed the jug to his lips, gulping down the bitter liquid. "Things are about to change Sasuke."
The young Jyuyuushi had been so focused on the way the alcohol poured down those gorgeous lips, that he jumped when he was actually addressed. "How's that?"
Yukimura never looked back, but he patted the spot beside him. "Come sit by me." Cautiously Sasuke made his way over, and took the spot presented to him by Yukimura. After the boy was sitting comfortably beside him, Yukimura once more went into his explanation. "Both the Toyotomi and the Tokugawa are at unrest. They will start fighting again soon, and there will be civil war in Japan once again."
Okay so he was confused. "Isn't that what you wanted?" That had been Yukimura's goal all along hadn't it? To become Shogun and bring back honor to the Sanada name?
That same coy smile that usually came on his master's face when he wasn't telling him something once again appeared. "Maybe." What the hell did that mean, maybe. Sasuke had never heard anything stupider in his life. Why did Yukimura always have to be like this? Why couldn't he just once say what he was thinking. Sasuke was brought out of his thoughts when the jug of sake was thrust in front of his nose. "Would you like some?"
Sasuke stared at the jug in front of him as if it wasn't real. "But you always said I was too young to drink." His breath hitched in his throat when Yukimura reached out to stroke his cheek.
"I'm starting to see that you're much older than I give you credit for." They were words he had been longing to hear for the longest time, and yet now that they came out of the samurai's mouth they left him rather confused. Slowly he took the jug from Yukimura's hand and brought it to his lips. Only hesitating for a moment, he poured the fiery liquid down his throat, coughing a little as he felt the affects of alcohol for the first time.
A hand patted his back as he started to cough harder as it felt like all of his insides were on fire. "There there...just think you're one step closer to becoming a man." Sasuke stopped coughing. Yukimura's arms were around his shoulders, and he couldn't help but enjoy the way the samurai pulled him against his body.
He couldn't enjoy it too much though, because something had been bothering him ever since the man had arrived. "Why did you come back here so soon Yukimura?"
"Didn't I already answer that question?" Sasuke saw that he was smiling, and he couldn't help but pull out of the arms he wanted nothing more than to lye in forever.
"Cut the crap Sanada. You didn't just come back here because you missed me. There has to be another reason."
Yukimura reached out to grab the jug of sake from Sasuke's hand. "Does there now?" He took another swig, and set in on the ground. "Are you always going to be left doubting me Sasuke?" Blue eyes turned to him. "When I tell you how much you mean to me will you always think I'm insincere?"
Not liking at all where this conversation was heading, or the emotions it was making him feel, the boy did his best to change the subject. "Better watch out Yukimura, if Saizo hears you giving me such praise he'll die from jealousy." Sasuke looked around. "What tree is the little stalker lurking in now anyways?"
"None." Sasuke immediately stopped searching the trees, and instead turned his golden eyes towards Yukimura. "I told all of the Jyuyuushi not to follow me."
That didn't make any sense though, they were always following him. "But why?"
He never bothered to respond to that question, instead he asked a very personal question of his own. "Was Kotoro right?" Sasuke's eyes widened when the man looked at him. "Do you really have feelings for me?"
A knot formed in his chest, and his gaze fell to the dirt. "I thought you said you weren't spying on me."
"I wasn't." Sasuke fisted the loose dirt from the ground, though he wasn't sure if it was in anger or embarrassment. "I just happened to overhear your conversation."
So what now? What did him hearing that mean. "Do you think I'm disgusting now?" In a more broken voice he added. "Do you want me to leave?" Not being able to help it, a lone tear rolled down his cheek and fell to the ground.
This couldn't be happening, not now. Not when he had thought himself happy for the first time in his life. He had thought he had been somebody other than a little monster from the sea of trees that everyone thought he was. He had thought he had a family. Not now though, now it was all over, all because of his stupid feelings. He would banish them if he thought he could, but even now when he felt Yukimura looking at him he couldn't stop the want that seemed to radiate from his body.
Sasuke was forced to look up when a hand tilted his chin, but he still refused to meet those eyes. "Sasuke look at me." Feeling the tears stinging at the corner of his eyes, the boy reluctantly looked over to Yukimura. "Why would I want you to leave?"
Maybe he could change the subject, it had always worked before. He turned his eyes towards the sakura trees that covered the mountain. "The blossoms on the trees are really nice this time of year."
"Sasuke..." There was a warning tone in the samurai's voice, and at hearing it Sasuke struggled to hold back tears. He knew there was no way he could get off of answering the question.
"Because now you think I'm disgusting. Because it's disgraceful for a servant to fall in love with his master." Sasuke's voice began to shake. "Because there's no way you could ever love me back."
He couldn't help the gasp that escaped his throat when Yukimura pulled him to his chest in an embrace. Too shocked to do anything else, Sasuke just let himself be hugged and heard the samurai out. "I don't think you're disgusting Sasuke, and it's not disgraceful for a servant to love his master. After all why would all of you want to give your lives for me if you didn't in some way love me." Sasuke began to shake when Yukimura pulled him away to look into his eyes. "And finally my Sasuke...I do love you back."
His entire world began to spin at that revelation, but even more than that when Yukimura leaned forward and claimed his lips for his own. Sasuke's eyes widened as he felt something that he had only even thought about in his wildest dreams happening.
Yukimura's tongue darted out of his mouth, and lightly caressed his bottom lip, trying to get inside. Sasuke opened his own mouth, loving the way the samurai's tongue started to massage his own. As he felt Yukimura kissing him so tenderly, he couldn't help but timidly kiss him back.
His body was being pushed down, and he slowly complied with Yukimura's wishes. Just letting the samurai lay on top of him as their kiss slowly ended. Blue eyes stared into his gold ones, and there was a small smile on Yukimura's face. "Sasuke do you want to become a man?"
At first he had no idea what Sanada had meant by that statement, but as hands roamed up and down his body, and Sasuke felt the desire Yukimura held for him against his leg, he had a pretty good idea. He leaned forward and gently kissed the samurai he adored so much. "More than anything." Yukimura smiled.
"Good. I didn't think I could wait another year for this." Before Sasuke had a chance to respond, Yukimura had once again attacked his lips.
Sasuke took deep breaths as he lay against Yukimura's chest. Both of them were completely sated as they stared up at the stars. He still couldn't believe that had happened. Yukimura had made love to him, not only that but Yukimura had said he loved him.
He sighed when a slender hand ran through his now sweaty silver hair. "How do you feel?" Sasuke snuggled into the samurai's bare chest, just content to listen to his ragged heartbeat.
"Happy." He placed a kiss on Yukimura's collarbone. "Happier than I've ever been." Yukimura reached out and pulled his mouth to his own, and after the small kiss Sasuke once more laid on his lover. Lover...it had a nice ring to it.
"I'm glad." He didn't say anymore, but he really didn't have to. Sasuke could tell everything from those two words. "You're not a kid anymore Sasuke, and I do expect you to fight by my side when the war starts." The hand that was stroking his hair was removed when Yukimura placed both of them underneath his own head, just content to gaze at the stars. "As I said earlier things will never be the same. Not for Japan, and not between us."
Again why couldn't he ever just say what he was thinking? Sasuke knew what he meant. The war would start soon, and even though things between them had changed, they couldn't show that they had. If Yukimura was to become Shogun and rule this country, their relationship could not be known. "You should know by now that wherever you go Yukimura I go...no matter what happens. Because Yukimura you are all I have, and you are everything to me." With that said the events of the evening finally caught up to him, and he fell asleep curled up in Yukimura's arms. Not noticing the small kisses of affection that were placed on his lips as he slept.
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