FicWad

The searing rays of the sun dropped steadily down onto the island. The light glanced off a head hair, belonging to a 12-year-old boy.

"Whoooooo-ee!"

Ralph jumped at the sudden, piercing whistle. His fair hair shone as he whirled around, gaping at the group of seagulls who stood watching him.

"Take it off, baby!" one crowed, obviously a female, as beside her the other birds giggled and teased.

"Hunky, hunky..."

"Bet your momma's got it hard tryin' to keep the gals off o' you!"

"You got my 'ttention now, sweetheart!"

Ralph turned a bright shade of red. His clothes all lay in a pile some distance away, and he had anticipated no female company.

"You...get out of here!" was the lame order he managed to muster, but the girl seagulls simply shrieked with laughter and hopped about on the sand. Miffed, he bent to pick up a rock - which induced even more laughter and gibes from his audience - and threw it at the birds. Immediately they took flight, though their parting calls and telephone numbers drifted back to him on the wind, and he hurried to redress himself again.

"Hello, mate!"

Again, Ralph jumped. "Who're you?"

The uniformed man grinned at him. "Officer Rey Scyew, at your service!"

"Aren't you supposed to show up at the end?"

"Oh." Officer Scyew's face fell. "Suppose you're right. Well, old chap, guess I'll be seeing you later then, eh?"

Ralph watched in stony silence as the officer scampered away.

"Hi! Wait a minute."

For the third time, Ralph jumped. "What is with this?"

A fat boy struggled out of the bushes, wiping his glasses on his shorts.

"Who're you, Fatty?"

"My name's- "

"Shut up."

"But- "

"Shut up."

"..........."

"Shut up."

Just then, the sound of boyish voices came to them from down the beach.

"Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!"

"Blood! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Shut up, Roger!"

"But I'm a vampire! I neeeeed blood! I crave it! MWAHAHAHA- gack "

"Hey, nice shot with that stake, Jack."

"Aw, he woulda burned up in the sun soon, anyway."

Astonished, Piggy and Ralph squinted down the beach at the huge bat that was approaching them. Then Piggy wiped his glasses on his shorts and Ralph shook his hair out of his eyes, and they realized it was not a huge bat, but a bunch of boys carrying E.T and a crispy kid with pointy teeth. The group drew close, and the red-haired boy at their head held up a hand to halt them.

"Hail, comrades!" he said, addressing Piggy and Ralph, "Care for lunch? I KILLED IT MYSELF! Hahahaha!"

"Hahahaha!" the rest of the boys laughed along with Jack, sounding very fake and minion-like.

Ralph shrugged. "Whatever."

Just then, Officer Rey Scyew popped up again. "Well I'll be, fresh alien! Haven't had that since I was a little 'un! Hey, I can show you boys a great way to cook it- "

"Beat it, mister!" Ralph snapped at him, and Scyew backed away.

"But can I at least rescue someone?"

"Shoo!" Simon ordered, flapping his hand at the man. Scyew sighed, then skipped off again.

"So, does anyone know how to cook a alien?" Maurice asked.

"We could- "

"Shut up."

" -make an-"

"Shut up."

" -oven- "

"Shut up."

" -out of- "

"Shut up."

" -sticks and- "

"Shut up."

" -stuff."

"Shut- "

Before Ralph could finish, Piggy snatched up a shell with a slight spiral twist the color of deep cream, touched here and there with fading pink, covered by a delicate, embossed pattern, and whacked Ralph on the head with it.

"Quit telling me to shut up!" Piggy snarled.

"Sucks...to your...ass-mar..." Ralph mumbled senselessly. He flopped back on the sand, his smile goofy, his eyes unfocused from the blow.

Just as the group was puzzling about how to cook the alien, two boys bounded out of the trees, lugging a big sack. They looked identical in appearance, and its name was Samneric.

"Yo, check it- "

" -out! Nicked it- "

" -all from the- "

" -kitchens! House-elves- "

" -practically- "

" -gave everything- "

" -away!"

Spooked by the way it talked like one person, the boys snatched the sack away and rummaged around inside, exclaiming over what they found.

"Wacco!"

"Wizard!"

"Smashing!"

"PIZZA!"

A few minutes later, everyone (including the recovered Ralph, and Scyew) was sitting around eating pizza, talking and laughing while the smelly alien lay forgotten.

"Scyew, what are you doing here?"

"Ah, well, thought I might sneak in b'tween the dialogue- "

"GET OUT OF HERE!"

Clinging to his slice of pizza, Scyew sulkily stood and wandered off. But the boys had forgotten to keep an eye on the bloodthirsty (literally) Roger...

"Yaaaaaah! Look out below! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Heads up!" Ralph yelled. The boys scattered like sheep before the boulder's path, except for Piggy, who was wiping his glasses off on one of the recycled napkins. At the last minute, he moved to take a closer look at a mirage that looked like a piece of chocolate cake, and the boulder rolled past him into the ocean.

"Oh, dash it all, I missed!" Roger exclaimed furiously, his fangs glinting

Just then Piggy slipped in the wet sand, hit his head on a shell, and broke his neck.

"Oh! Well, that's okay then. Huzzah!" Roger started to dance a little Romanian jig up on the...well, wherever he was to push the boulder, and the rest of the boys shrugged and continued eating. Presently, Roger stopped his jig when he saw that one of the littluns had wandered off. "Haha! More prey!" Cackling evilly, he snatched up some stones and began flinging them at Henry, hoping to draw blood. However... "?!?!?!?!? Blast it, what's going on here?!"

Oblivious, Henry continued eating tadpoles. In a circular shape around him, a pile of rocks was accumulating. Every time Roger threw a rock, it bounced off of what seemed to be an invisible shield that was surrounding the small boy.

"Argh! How can this be? I am INVINCIBLE! This is unheard of! CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT! COME TO MY AID!"

A herd of aliens came squealing out of the woods, heading for Henry, but instead of tearing him to shreds they simply slowed and started munching on tadpoles too, looking like cows in a pasture. As Roger was shrieking in fury, Scyew popped up again for the last time.

"I say, now, chaps, this bit's getting on a deal more'n two pages. I'd say it's time you lot let me rescue you now, eh?"

"Shut up!" the boys yelled, throwing their pizza crusts at him.

The boys then got up, picked up their trash, and threw it into the nearest trash can. They picked up their spears and started running after Scyew.