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"I thought I saw someone else in the room just now," Hisoka said, startled. Tsuzuki walked into the bedroom, looking around with a frown.

"There's no one here, Hisoka," Tsuzuki said somberly.

"But I could have sworn --" Hisoka said, looking to the empty corner that he was certain had been occupied just moments before.

"If you'd like I can check the other rooms," Tsuzuki offered with a weary sigh.

"No, that's okay. It must have been some trick of the light," Hisoka said. No one could have left the room that quickly without being seen, he told himself, though he still felt the adrenaline of the shock.

"I'm through in here, if you need a bath," Tsuzuki said, noting Hisoka's state of undress and stepping out of his way.

Hisoka studied his face, still trying to understand the change that had come over his lover. He had never felt Tsuzuki guard his emotions so intensely before, and it made his head ache slightly as he tried to focus on any familiar thread of the other's mind.

"What's wrong with you, Tsuzuki? Please, tell me what is going on," Hisoka said with a pleading look. Tsuzuki walked past him to the bed, refusing to meet his eyes, and removed his bathrobe.

"It's nothing, baby. I'm going to get some sleep, okay?" Tsuzuki said at last. Hisoka nodded, reaching inside the bathroom door to flick off the light.

"Aren't you going to take a bath?" Tsuzuki asked, as Hisoka crossed the darkened room towards the bed.

"No," Hisoka said, crawling beneath the covers beside Tsuzuki and nuzzling into the older man's side. Tsuzuki sighed, reluctantly adjusting and wrapping his arms around him.

"I really can't tonight, baby," Tsuzuki whispered, the pain in his voice the first hint of emotion he had displayed since Hisoka returned home.

"That's not -- just hold me, okay?" Hisoka said, feeling overcome with a sense of despair that he wasn't sure was his lover's or his own.

"Sure, baby," Tsuzuki said, his voice trembling, as Hisoka clung to him tightly.

Cousa returned to the bedroom with a meow, and jumped onto the bed, kneading her claws in the covers before settling on Hisoka's hip.

"Watari's potion seems to be helping," Hisoka said, scratching the kitten's head with his free hand, the other tucked beneath Tsuzuki's waist.

"Hmm?" Tsuzuki murmured, as if being brought out of deep thought.

"The allergy potion," Hisoka said, looking up and trying to make out Tsuzuki's face in the darkness.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Tsuzuki said. "Watari knows his stuff."

The pair fell into an uneasy silence, Tsuzuki eventually breaking free from their embrace and turning on his side without a word. Hisoka drifted into a troubled sleep, feeling colder than he ever had with Tsuzuki so close by his side.

xxxx

The following day found their moods still heavy, and they talked little over the slightly burnt toast and eggs Tsuzuki had gotten up early to make them. Looking at his bloodshot eyes and listless nature, Hisoka wondered just how much earlier his partner had awakened, or if he had indeed slept at all.

Almost immediately after their arrival at the summons department office, Tatsumi had called Tsuzuki into Chief Konoe's office to speak with him alone. Hisoka stared at the door that shut behind them, blocking him once more from any knowledge, with a look of helplessness and irritation, as Watari approached him from where he had been making copies on the bulky, outdated machine that Tatsumi had refused to replace.

"It still works fine. Why would we need a new one?" Watari mimicked, rolling his eyes as he tried to make out the document he had just made a copy of. "So, what are you doing out here if Tsuzuki's in there?"

"I wouldn't mind knowing that myself, Watari. Not that he'll see fit to share the reason when he comes back," Hisoka said irritably, shaking his head.

"Trouble in paradise, little one?" Watari asked with a wink, earning a glare from Hisoka.

"Well, then. Would you like to wait in the lab with me? I've just put some coffee on," Watari suggested.

"I don't think so, Watari. I'm really not in the mood to be one of your guinea pigs," Hisoka said. Watari shrugged.

"Oh, well, I thought you might want to be somewhere else instead of out here like a sitting duck for Saya and Yuma, but if you're sure --" Watari said with a grin.

"They're still here?" Hisoka asked with panic, and started to walk quickly out of the door and down the hall, beating the scientist to the lab as he followed behind him with a laugh.

Watari pulled a rolling chair up to the table where Hisoka had settled, bring over two mugs of coffee.

"It's safe, I promise," Watari said, as Hisoka eyed the liquid in his cup suspiciously.

"If I end up another gender or age of any kind, I'll kill you with my bare hands," Hisoka said before taking a sip.

"Naturally," Watari said without concern. "I think Tsuzuki might even beat you to it. He loves you just the way you are, a pretty young boy." Hisoka blushed deeply, making the death glare he gave decidedly ineffective.

"You make him sound like a pervert or something," Hisoka said, looking away. Watari merely grinned enigmatically.

"The allergy medicine seems to helping," Hisoka said, eager to change the subject. "Tsuzuki hasn't sneezed around Cousa once since you gave it to him."

"Yes," Watari said, looking thoughtful, "about that. Hisoka, has something been happening that Tsuzuki is upset about?"

"What are you talking about? How did you --" Hisoka started, looking at him with surprise.

"Well, it's just that Tatsumi suggested that when Tsuzuki came to get more of it from me today, that I offer him access to a special sedative," Watari said.

"Sedative? What kind of sedative?" Hisoka asked.

"One that helps with memories and bad dreams," Watari said. "You yourself took a mild form of it once, if you'll recall. When I looked through big fella's files, I saw that he was prescribed a much more potent form many years ago when he first became a shinigami. This was some time before I myself came here, of course."

"Did you ask Tatsumi why?" Hisoka asked. Watari gave a sad smile.

"No. I'm afraid I'm kept as much in the dark as you are when it comes to these things," Watari said with a meaningful glance. Hisoka sighed deeply, staring off at noting in particular. Watari patted his hand impulsively, pleased when the shy young man did not recoil.

"Tell me what is on your mind, little one," Watari said. Hisoka glanced at him, then away again, with a heavy frown.

"I just don't know what to do," Hisoka said softly. "I'm afraid that if I push too much, that I'll push him away. But it hurts."

"You feel like he doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth," Watari said. Hisoka nodded.

"Anyone who knows Tsuzuki for long soon figures out that he has a lot of deeper problems under the surface. Sometimes I feel like I really don't know him any better than anyone else," Hisoka said.

"I think one of the reasons that you work so well for him Hisoka is that he knows that he can be himself with you without your leaving him because of it," Watari said. "I'm sure that he's let you closer than anyone."

"Is he being himself?" Hisoka asked, looking Watari in the eye.

"As much as he knows how to be," Watari said. "You've accepted that about him more than anyone else, Hisoka."

"It hasn't been easy to make him feel accepted. I've learned to stay silent when I wanted to ask questions just so that I won't make him think that what I feel for him has any conditions. But sometimes, when I feel him blocking me so strongly, I feel helpless. I feel like he won't let me help him because he thinks I'll stop loving him if I see his problems. It's not fair to me," Hisoka said, crossing his arms and looking down at the table, his lips trembling. "If he only knew how much I love him. Why can't I convince him that it's enough? He's the first person in my existence that ever really loved me, and he won't let me help --" Hisoka's voice choked, as he angrily wiped away a tear. Watari made a soothing shushing sound.

"I know, little one. You make the sacrifice of calming his insecurities by accepting his silence, while he's playing upon yours by not allowing you to accept the truth instead," Watari said gently. "But it's not because he doesn't think you are worthy in confiding in, Hisoka. He believes he is protecting something precious and pure from the darker side of himself, his past."

"He confides in Tatsumi and Konoe though. They seem to know what's going on," Hisoka said bitterly.

"Tatsumi doesn't know much more than we do. He just happened to be there at a time before Tsuzuki had became so adept at guarding his emotions. He told me that Tsuzuki was an emotional wreck then, and that he didn't know how to deal with it. It reminded him too strongly of the dark parts of his own past. That's why he'll do anything to help him to help him deal with it, to see him happy," Watari said.

"He once loved him, didn't he?" Hisoka asked. "When I first realized that I had fallen -- when I first knew how I felt, it used to bother me that they seemed to share something that I didn't fully understand."

"Oh, Tatsumi's always had a soft spot for big fella, but it's nothing you need to worry about, trust me. He already has his hands full," Watari said with a grin. "As for Konoe, I've little doubt that he knows a lot more than we do, but he has his professional discretion. All I know is that I stepped on his toes somehow last night, and that it had something to do with Tsuzuki. I don't know what he was afraid I was going to uncover, really. The records I found were spotty at best, and there was no sense in asking him about it. It's like trying to bleed a rock, getting gossip out of that man." Hisoka frowned, pushing his coffee away and standing.

"I think I'm going to go back to the office," Hisoka said. He turned back to Watari before opening the door. "You drugged my coffee, didn't you, you nosy bastard?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Watari said. Hisoka paused once more.

"Watari? Have you ever seen a ghost?" Hisoka asked uncertainly.

"No, little one. Why do you ask?" Watari asked. Hisoka shrugged.

"No reason," Hisoka said, adding as a reluctant afterthought, "Thanks."