Categories > Books > Warriors > Frost Flower
Reviews
Frost Flower
(#) Piglet 2007-12-04
This fic has a most fascinating plot, but your grammar needs quite a bit of work. Dialogue is usually set up quite differently than you have it, and the name format in the books is not the same as yours. Here - I'll correct a quick excerpt from the fic.
"It was a dark cold night for the thunder clan cats, the blood clan had just killed many cats."
-The Clans' names are ThunderClan and BloodClan, not the thunder clan and the blood clan. There is also a comma splice in this sentence, and a missing comma, too. It should be:
It was a dark, cold night for the ThunderClan cats. BloodClan had just killed many cats.
"'how tragic.' cried brightheart 'my tom hes gone, hes dead'"
-Written correctly, that is "How tragic!" cried Brightheart. "My tom - he's gone, he's dead!"
"'dont worry' said sandstorm patting bright heart on the shoulder 'im sure he is fine they probly just took him capitive' Sandstorm walked over to firestar and sat beside him"
-Ever heard of capitals? Okay, that should look like this:
"Don't worry," said Sandstorm, patting Brightheard on the shoulder. "I'm sure he is fine - they probably just took him captive." Sandstorm walked over to Firestar and sat beside him.
Okay? Those are just a few suggestions on making the fanfiction easier to read. I like your ideas, though - ThunderClan taking out the powerful BloodClan with the help of a divine she-cat is an inspired plotline.
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