FicWad

La tristesse durera



It was like any other day in the state of Nevada, United States. A typical spring, where the air wasn't hot nor cold and flowers graced the little bits and pieces of grass in sin city. But from the hustle and bustle of the city, there's a sanctuary where the air was calm and the atmosphere was tranquil.

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

Not far from a kindergarten, stood a lone figure with a camera in his hands, snapping away at the pretty sight of laughing children. An unusual hobby for a man like Ryan Ross, lyricists and band member of Panic at The Disco. But like Brendon always say, everybody knew that Ryan's Mr Sensitive and the only one who don't know it yet is Ryan himself.

Ryan smiled in satisfaction as he snapped another picture, this time it involve a little girl blowing bubbles into the clear blue sky. He laughed in amusement when the girl got all upset because all her hard work was blown away by the wind. He's twenty three now, single and still far from marriage. Let alone children of his own.

"Hey,"

Ryan turned around slightly smirked at the sight of a huffing Gerard, bend over and face red from running. "Been awhile since you last ran, huh?"

"Nice to see you too." Gee rolled his eyes. "Look, sorry to keep you waiting. The director dude won't let me off till we finished shooting a completely pointless scene. I mean, come on! It's a music video, not the next Hollywood block buster!"

Ryan sighed but smiled nonetheless. Who can forget the ever rambling Gerard Way? The man can't get straight to the point without a nice whack on the head. "Gee?"

"... so in the end Mikey had to.. yeah?"

"Let's get this over with."

Gerard stared at the youth with a slight, barely there frown on his face. "I don't believe you, Ross. I really don't." he sighed. "You called me out of the blue to ask Pete's whereabouts, and I don't even live here!"

"Look, I needed to get away, ok?"

"Yeah, and you did a great job." Gerard snorted. He took his surrounding and heaved a sigh. "It's been two years, Ryan. That's a long time."

"I know, that's why I'm here. Right now. Gee, I'm here."

"Yeah, you are." He smiled. "He's waiting for you.. up there. On the hill." He jerked his head to the huge mound of grass with an oak tree as its marker.

"Thanks man."

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase


Ryan tucked his camera into his coat pocket and navigated his way towards the hill. His mind was in a huge mess as thoughts of Pete and the rest of his life. Ryan shuddered. He hadn't thought about this for a long time now. When the band... lost connection with Pete, they switched to a new record label, a huge one. And when you've land a deal that big and everybody on the face of this freaking world knows your name, it's kind of hard to fit in things like Pete and friendships gone astray into his mind.

Catching his breath, Ryan stood directly behind Pete. "You really love making things difficult for me, huh?" he half joked, half grumbled.

Pete just stood there, not moving a muscle.

"What? After two years, you still want to play the silence game with me?" Ryan frowned at the lack of reaction. "Fine, have it your way."

Ryan tore his eyes from the silhouette in front of him and focused on the fresh green leaves of the oak tree. He's not trying to be sentimental or anything, but the breeze combined with the sweet scent of spring just sort of set something off in his turmoil laden mind.

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

Flashes of memories jostled in and out of his brain, the most annoying one was the memory of his first meeting with Pete. He thought the guy was cute, back then. But god, he wanted to kill the little punk for messing with him. Who in their right mind would dare pull an 'Ashton Kutcher' stunt and punk'd a potential asset? It took him hours to get the grease stain off his favorite jacket.

It made him wonder how they became good friends despite the rather gory first impression. Never a day went by without one of them prank calling the other. It was fun at first, but when you started to get all paranoid whenever the phone rings, you know its getting annoying. They had a good thing going on, the both of them. Their friendship maintained the fragile bond between FOB and PATD. Well, fragile in a good way. But that was only because both band loved to pull pranks on each other.

"You still remember the time we stole Pat's Gameboy and hid it in the vegetable crisper?" he laughed. "I told him he should eat more greens. He should've taken the hint."

Pete still kept his silence. He didn't even shrug.

Damn, maybe he really is pissed at me.

But the prospect of an angry Pete only encouraged Ryan's flashback marathon. It wasn't his fault that he fell for the wrong girl. Ok, so maybe Pete did warn him about the little whore. But that didn't give the freak the right to yell at him. It started as a normal conversation but turned into a full scale argument in which Pete repeatedly told Ryan to break up with Cynthia. He appreciated Pete's concern, but he rather not have anyone telling him who to date and dump.

Everything seemed fixable at the moment, Ryan thought bitterly. But Pete just had to say something stupid like 'I love you, dammit'. To say that Ryan was shocked would be the understatement of the year. He has nothing against gay people, but to have your best friend telling you that he loves you as more than a friend is just.. wrong. So wrong that all he can do was walk away from Pete as the latter stood rooted at the spot, not believing the secret he revealed.

Those four words was all it took for Ryan to persuade Brendon, Jon and Spencer to change record label. Strangely enough, Pete let them go without slapping them with fat lawsuit. God knows the man had all the right to do so. And that was probably the last time Ryan saw Pete. Or so he thought.

"How long are you going to stand there and not talk to me?" Ryan raised his voice a tad higher. "I mean, seriously!"

But Pete just ignored the poor boy and continued his cold silence.

And so it came to this, Ryan thought. The one memory that drove him into hiding for two years, the one thing that made him hate himself and just shut everything out for weeks.

There was a storm that night, the worse he had ever seen in his twenty years of life. They, meaning the band and some close friends, were going out to some Irish pub downtown. None of them was an Irish, but that didn't stop them from partying on St Patrick's Day. Of course, Patrick made everyone buy him a drink each to honor his namesake.

Pete wasn't there that day, and it didn't bother Ryan one bit. He thought that Pete had a point and that they really should stay out of each other's way for awhile. He assumed that Pete needed to sort through his emotions... perhaps finding that his love for him was just a brotherly love type instead of the romantic type. But after the phone call sometime after one a.m, Ryan felt so disgusted at himself that he wanted nothing more than to drop dead on the spot.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

It turns out that Pete got into an accident, one that involved a truck, a bridge, an overflowing lake, and his car. Weird enough, despite all that has happened between them, Ryan's number was top on his speed dial and emergency number.

By the time they reached the hospital, it was too late. Too late for Pete, and too late for Ryan. They all had their own little episode that night in the hospital. Some snapped and cried on the floor, some had this faraway look on their faces, some played the 'what ifs' game, and some just... refuse to believe it.

Ryan was one of the non believers. He remembered rushing into the empty hospital ER and seeing a deathly pale Pete on the blood stained bed. They say that a dead person looked as though they're asleep; but in Ryan's eyes, Pete looked scared. It was as if the feeling that he felt at the last moment of his life was frozen completely and made its mark on his face.

Ryan don't remember how long he stood in that room, just staring at his best friend's face, realizing that he never told Pete that maybe... just maybe that he might love him too. He remembered hoping for a miracle, hoping that Pete's voice would go away, hoping that Pete would somehow wake up and yell 'GOTCHA!'.

But it didn't happen

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

What happen was, they buried Pete in a private ceremony without hysterical fans weeping and wailing. Ryan doesn't really know all the details. He wasn't even at the funeral. While everyone was paying their last respect to Pete, Ryan was boarding a plane to L.A, wanting desperately to get as far away as possible from this place.

Ryan woke up from his reverie by the soft teasing of the wind in his hair. Looking up, he saw the sky slowly turn a shade of red as the sun began to set. Somewhere in the distance, a church bell chimed, sending a strange wave of calmness across the land. Las Vegas has never been this soothing.
Tearing his eyes from the sky, Ryan smiled at the white marble tombstone and wiped the tears that he unconsciously shed. He kneeled on the grass and traced the name and epitaph on the cold marble with his finger.

"They were right. We're both idiots." He smiled and placed a white rose on the cold surface. "But I think I might be more of an idiot than you are. Wait for me, ok?"

No reply.

Ryan shook his head slowly. Typical Pete. Well, it's either that or Ryan really should get therapy. He thought about it for awhile as he made his way towards Gee down hill but decided that it's normal to expect Pete to answer him. It was normal to him, anyway.

"Done?"

"Yeah, he was... silent most of the time." Ryan smiled.

Gerard chuckled and shoved his hands into his pockets, eyes focused on the sunbathed grave of Peter Wentz. "Well, that's Pete for you."

Ryan couldn't agree more.

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me