FicWad

I stared at the phone in my hand until the screen decided I wasn't worth the battery and shut off the light. The sickness lined my esophagus like the dreams Pete confided consumed him. I'd always told him that I'd understood, but I didn't. I never understood Pete yet I'd always lied to him that I did. He'd always just needed someone to understand him so badly and I was too stupid to tell him what he deserved. God, Pete deserved such a better friend than me. He deserved a real friend...

So many questions ran through my head and each one seemed to hold the key to Pete's survival, though I actually knew none of them did...Feeling as justified as I could get, I redialed the number,

"What?"

"Ok, what do you mean 'last night you and Pete broke up'?"

"God, last night, Pete came over and I broke up with him."

"Why?"

"It's complicated..."

"Is it really?"

"Y...yes. Look, I can't talk."

"I don't understand! Don't you care about him at all?? He tried to fucking kill himself and you 'have to go'?? What the hell is going on, Melissa?"

"NO! I don't care about him because you know the fuck what? At first he's this great, sweet, awesome guy but then when you start going out with him, Pete turns into this whiny little emo baby and I just don't want it anymore. I'm trying to put that baby behind me but I can't when you keep calling me about him. Jess, I don't think we should be friends anymore, all right? Does that tie up enough loose ends for you??"

"You-mother-fucker. That whiny emo baby is a much better person than you'll ever be and you never deserved to go out with him in the first place. Y-you bitch!"

Unsatisfaction laced my tongue like a cheap drug as I hung up on her. I can't believe it. Melissa w-was so great. She was such a great person...and such a great friend on the bus, what could've happened?

Among everything, a headache breached through all the other problems and straight to my nervous system. I didn't want to be here...I hated hospitals. I wanted to be back on the bus making pancakes for everyone. I wanted to be back there where nothing was wrong.

Breathing deeply, I stared at the white wall across from me and prayed the door on my immediate right was still closed. I'm ok...

My phone screamed at me violently and I stared down at the caller id: 'Jason calling'. Fuck.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jess," his tone seemed to have a tint of laughter embedded underneath the basic photography knowledge he spouted as if he were the only one who knew it, "where are you?"

"Look, Jason, I don't really need this right now."

"Oh ho, sorry, kiddo," I was going to kill him, "but you forgot to call in sick for work so, guess who's pissed?"

"Shit!! Matt's gonna have my head. Is it too late to call in sick??"

"Definitely. Matt is pissed and is rampaging around the office looking for your number and, once I hang up, I'm going to give it to him."

I could feel myself turning green, "Jason...don't be a dick. Please, don't." But he'd already hung up.

"FUCKER!!"

A nurse touched my shoulder, looking mortified,

"Please, young lady, if you're going to use that kind of language, go to a high school."

My shoes became terribly interesting as my face now shifted to a terrible color between green and red.

Before she'd finished being disgusted with me, my phone lit up for the umpteenth time today and I longed so dearly to bash it against the wall...or someone's head.

Unfortunately, it wasn't my grandma telling me she loved me, but my boss who I could almost see the vein on his temple bulging. Bravely and sickly, I pressed the phone to my ear,

"H-Hello?"

"Miller...where the fuck are you??"

"S-something came up...my frie--"

"I don't care! This is your career and you are not a fucking intern, you have to be here every day because there are appointments with paying customers you have to keep."

"..."

"First you leave for a week, then you come back for a day and then you're not here? Girly, are you asking to be fired?"

"No!! That's the last thing I"m as--I want."

"You're a good photographer, Jess, but this entire building is full of incredible photographers. There's one reason I'm not going to fire you, right now. Would you like to hear it?" He tortured me through the phone and I could tell he loved it, the bastard.

"..Yes." I didn't want to, I didn't want to at all, but I needed a job and so I needed to humor the bastard.

"It's because you're our little homecoming queen. That's right, you're the most popular photographer amongst the customers with money so I keep you around for the money. Now, you be in work tomorrow or you don't ever come in again, you hear?"

"Yes, sir."

Hanging up the phone, I stared at it until it blurred with messy tears. No longer being able to keep it pasted together, I sunk to the floor and laid my head down on my knees where I could cry in peace. Damn, why was this all happening? Why to me? Why now?

God, you're such a little bitch!

...what?

'Why is this happening to me' wahhh wahhhh fucking baby. What about Pete, huh? This wouldn'tve happened if you'd answered the fucking phone.

But...Patrick...

I think Patrick would forgive you, dumbass.

You're right....

I'm always right, moron.

"Hey," a soft voice was followed by a thick crash of the door...Patrick. With a respectful nature, he sat right next to me. I wanted to hug him and kiss him and hear him tell me everything was gonna be fine but something stopped me...He didn't smell like Patrick...but who else would it be?

Wiping my eyes I did my best to look at him as he put a muscular, brightly colored arm around me.

"Andy?"

"Yeah, Jess?"

Feeling the tears well up again, I hugged Andy as hard as I could.

"Andy..."

"It's hard on all of us, Jess. It's ok."

"God, Andy, I want Pete to be better. I-I-I want him to be better so badly, but t-that's not e-enough. N-nothing I do is enough...for anyone. Dammit! Why can't I do anything right, Andy?"

His face became puzzled, "Jess, why are you saying all this?"

"Because it's true, Andy!! I can't do anything right and I-I don't mean anything to anyone. I'm just a fucking blip on the radar of life...I can't even get a good metaphor out!!!"

Andy forced me to look at him with strong, comforting hands, "Stop! Just...stop, Jess. I don't know why you're saying all this because you mean so much to me and to Joe and to Patrick. God, when you're not around...Patrick never shuts up about you. Pete either...Jess, for Pete, you're pretty much life support. Please, please stop talking like this because...because, Jess, it scares me. One of my best friends has already tried to kill himself and I don't think I could take it if you did, too."

My fountain of tears gave one last spurt before it died completely as I hugged Andy there in that sterile, uncomfortable hospital hallway.

Now feeling just above shitty, Andy and I strolled back into the waiting room. That small amount of time I'd spent out there had transformed the guys into sleep-needing, haggard rockstars. As I stared at them, the dark circles darkened and the bags under their eyes filled with groceries.

Sitting down next to Patrick, I did my best to avoid his gaze but he put his soft fingers under my chin and lifted my face.

He was about to say something but I hugged him and felt the wooden arm of the chair dig deeply into my ribs.

(********)

It had been two hours of failed conversations and terrible silence when the ER doors creaked open and a gorgeous nurse stepped out,

"You can see him now, but he's sleeping so don't wake him."