Categories > TV > Bill

Sun Hill Menagerie

by bride_of_nickula 0 reviews

*One-shot* Strange goings-on in Sun Hill. Nick meets a Mary-Sue and Gabriel meets his perfect match.

Category: Bill - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters: Dale Smith, Other - Published: 2005-09-27 - Updated: 2005-09-27 - 1640 words - Complete

Sun Hill Menagerie

It was another boring, routine day in Sun Hill.

Another pair of officers had a totally unprofessional, inter-departmental, trans-sexual sexual liason; two other officers were found to be mentally unstable, and thus were promoted; and DC Eva Sharpe had solved 3 murder cases, an armed robbery, the disappearance of Lord Lucan and found out the truth behind Area 51, earning the complete contempt of DI Neil Manson, who was busily plotting to edge her out of his fiefdom.

Downstairs in the briefing room, Sgt. Dale Smith was handing out the assignments for today. "Right you lot, shut it and collect the latest villains on the hit parade."

PC Not-Gabriel Kent grunted and muttered, "I'd like to hit some of these villains in the parade room....", smiling at his clever use of words. He sat back in his chair and scratched his armpits in pleasure.

Sgt. Smiffy picked up his clipboard and announced the pairs for today. "Reg and Yvonne - 84. Gary and Honey - 85. Tony and Kerry - the Van. Nick and Not-Gabriel -82. Cam - Front Desk."

Cam looked puzzled - difficult, yes - but he managed a new expression, "Sarge, where's Marilyn? Why isn't she on the Front Desk?"
Smiffy wriggled an eyebrow, "I said Front Desk/, not /on the Front you go..."
Cam walked stiffly out the room, face set in Expression #1.

Gary and Honey held hands as they skipped out the room. Smiffy bellowed after them, "This isn't a playground, it's a Police Station!"

"Sorry Sarge!", they chorused and slinked off.
Reg and Yvonne walked out with twinkles in their eyes. Reg had been unlucky with Marilyn, and he hoped that Yvonne might be a better catch. Yvonne was thinking exactly the same - Marilyn had been soooooo boring, no laughs to be had Reg, he was a different kettle of fish....

Tony lead Kerry out and she jumped into the back of the van. Tony scowled, "Oi, you're supposed to sit in the front with me." Kerry just smiled and hung her head out the side window, tongue hanging out. "Oh, well, it's for the best I suppose..", Tony muttered.

Nick and Not-Gabriel strolled down the ramp to the panda. Nick couldn't help noticing the band-aids on Not-Gabriel's knuckles, but was too polite to mention them. He also noticed that Not-Gabriel leant forwards when walking and his arms reached the ground. Not-Gabriel sat in the car and got out a box of band-aids and carefully peeled off the old ones, putting new ones on over the scraped knuckles.
As Nick drove out the yard, he asked, "Do anything interesting on the weekend, Not-Gabriel ?"
Not-Gabriel smiled and muttered, "Yeah, went to the zoo...visited family..."

Nick wasn't sure he'd heard properly, so he just said, ", seen any good films?"
Not-Gabriel scratched himself and muttered, "Yeah, Planet Of The Apes....Gorillas in The Mist..."
Nick began to feel that Not-Gabriel was somehow taking the proverbial out of him. After all, Smiffy had often called him Monkey-Boy in front of the relief, and Nick did have quite hairy arms...and legs...and chest...

Nick shifted uncomfortably and concentrated on driving. Not-Gabriel stared out the window and puckered his lips absent-mindedly.

The uncomfortable silence was broken by Dean CAD-guy's disembodied voice coming over the radio, "Sierra Oscar 82 from Sierra Oscar, intruder reported at 69 Marquess Alley..."
Nick sighed with relief, "82 received, on way..." and sped on down the road.

They arrived at the location and checked the doors and windows. The front door was secure, but the back door had been forced open. Nick and Not-Gabriel went in to the kitchen cautiously. Nick opened the door into the living room and staggered back as something flew into his arms. It was a chimpanzee and it promptly wrapped its arms around Nick, puckering up for a kiss.

Not-Gabriel laughed, "Awwww, it's got your eyes, Nick!"
"Very funny....", Nick muttered as he fruitlessly tried to unhook the chimp's arms. He thought it might work if he acted fruitfully. So he grabbed a banana from the kitchen table an offered it to the chimp. It took it and kissed Nick on the cheek, wrapped its legs around him and unzipped the banana with its hands. Nick sighed and shook his head.

They moved through the living room and saw a cardboard box with a small furry animal asleep. A cage had a larger, even furrier animal also asleep.

Nick did his raised eyebrows trick at Not-Gabriel and they went through to the hall. A noise from upstairs got their attention and Not-Gabriel went up the stairs and peered into a room - nothing there. He opened another door and went in. Nick saw a dark flash of something flying across the room at Not-Gabriel , landing on top of him. It was a rather large gorilla and it was now sitting on Not-Gabriel 's upper body. Nick couldn't see Not-Gabriel 's face and couldn't tell if he was alive or dead.

A noise from downstairs distracted Nick and he quickly shut the door, then went to the top of the stairs. A man had just opened the front door and was taking off his coat, he looked up as Nick raced down the stairs. "Do you live here?", Nick asked, and the man nodded.
"What's going on, officer? Can I help?", he asked, pleasantly.

"We had a report of a break-in, oh...and there's a gorilla in the bedroom sitting on top of my colleague!", replied Nick failing to keep the sarcasm from his voice.
The man smiled, "Oh, that's just Urko, my pet gorilla. He loves to play. He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
Nick's head spun, "You keep a gorilla as a pet??? Well, your 'pet' is in the process of killing my colleague, so can you go and get it off him?"

As the man walked up the stairs, Nick radioed in about the events of the past few minutes. Dean CAD-guy acknowledged in a bored monotone, not really listening. However, Sgt. Smiffy WAS listening and he called in, "Sierra Oscar from 54. Can we get someone to check that ecstasy haul we brought in last night? I think some of it might have gone missing...140 from 54. Nick, are you off your face again? 'Cos if you are, I am going to flush you into the Thames!" Smiffy started driving to the house.

Nick scowled and tried to stop the chimp eating his radio lead, "54 from 140, I am perfectly lucid....there is a gorilla sitting on top of Not-Gabriel . The owner is trying to get it off him...Oi! Get off, bloody don't grab THAT!!!...", Nick wriggled as the chimp shifted round to his back and gripped Nick's ASP.

Smiffy listened to this with a withering expression on his face and drove faster. This had to be some sort of wind-up....

Nick watched as the house owner went over to the gorilla and talked to him. The gorilla shook his head and seemed to smile. Nick edged over and tried to see if Not-Gabriel was still alive, but couldn't see. "Look, if you don't get that gorilla off soon, my colleague's gonna die....he could already be dead. That thing should be in a zoo, you can't keep a gorilla in a house, it's not fair on him!"
The owner smiled, "Oh...I have all the required licenses and documents. It's perfectly legal!"

The was a knock at the front door, Nick left the man still trying to coax the gorilla away. It was Smiffy at the door. He glared down at Nick and wriggled his eyebrow as he saw the chimp peering over Nick's shoulder, still firmly grasping his ASP.

Smiffy shook his head in contempt and marched in. "Right, this gorilla...where is it?"
"Upstairs, with the owner...arrrrgh!" Nick cried, as the chimp started to grab at other things.
Smiffy snorted and rolled his eyes and stalked up the stairs. He peered into the room."That's a gorilla!", he exclaimed.
"Yeah, like I kept telling you, Sarge....arrrggh!", Nick replied.

The owner turned and smiled at Smiffy, "Oh hello, nearly there...Urko takes a bit of convincing sometimes!"
Smiffy shook his head and wondered if he should have stayed in SO19, he might have had the chance to shoot the well as the odd copper standing nearby...

Smiffy watched the gorilla and tried to think of something. Then he spoke, "Nick...that better not be you doing that!"
"Doing what?", Nick replied, not looking at Smiffy as he tried to remove the chimp.

Smiffy looked down and saw a large python wrapping itself around his thigh. He froze in horror. The owner looked over and smiled, "Oh, don't worry about Monty. He just likes to play!"
"Play? What with?!?!", Smiffy asked in terror.
Nick smiled, "Ohhh, that's a big one, Smiffy!....arrrrrgh!" Smiffy just glared at him and tried to push the python off.

Eventually, the python got bored and slinked off, looking for something stockier to wrap itself around. Smiffy sighed with relief and watched the gorilla.

Finally, the gorilla shifted and grunted. He rolled off Not-Gabriel and took the owner's hand, lurching away. Nick and Smiffy rushed to Not-Gabriel 's side. He was lying on his back and was quite obviously dead. His eyes were open and he had a smile on his face.

Nick looked puzzled, "How could anyone smile with a gorilla's arse pressing into their face?...arrrrrggh!"
Smiffy shrugged, "Dunno, takes all sorts. You gonna keep hanging onto that chimp all day?"
Nick pulled at the chimp's arms, "It's not me! He's the one who won't let go!..arrrgh!"
The owner looked over, "Oh, he's a she, actually....her name's Tish."
Smiffy smirked and wriggled an eyebrow, "Well that explains it...she's found a soul-mate!...Bit like Not-Gabriel , he found an arse-hole mate!"
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