FicWad

I'm in a public bathroom,
Shoving my fist down my throat,
So no one hears me crying.
My head's pounding,
And my throat aches.
It's then that I realize it:
I am pathetic.

My show of confidence is a lie,
My smiles false.
You never see the tears,
Because you don't care.

I can feel the darkness,
Welling up inside.
It will consume me,
Drown me.
Wave after wave,
I am being pulled down.

The coldness takes over,
Until I am numb.
I can't breathe;
I'm shaking uncontrollably.

My past is haunting me,
My future is taunting me,
My present is a black hole.
My body has betrayed me,
Everyone has abandoned me.

I am indecisive.
I never know if I should
Starve, cut, or purge.
Which would make me more
Acceptable? Lovable?

Do I sabotage myself?
Do I rebel so you'll hate me?
I hate when people stare at me,
I know they're judging me,
And I'm not good enough.
Never good enough.

I want to break the mirror.
Watch my reflection, my self,
Break into a thousand tiny pieces.
Breaking would be a relief.
I can't hide under my blanket forever.

I know why I'm not accepted.
Not White enough,
Not Mexican enough,
Not tall enough,
Not thin enough,
Not smart enough,
Plagued by this syndrome.

I am silent in the face of adversity,
I don't know how to stand up for myself.
When would I have learned?
No one's stood up for me before.
I just hide behind my smile,
Cry underneath my blanket.

This is why I don't believe in God:
Why would he punish an innocent child?
Or was I never innocent?
My mom would love me more if I was Catholic.
My dad would love me more if I obeyed him.
My family would love me more if I was White.
My friends would love me more if I didn't complain.
My room mates would love me more if I let them walk all over me.

No one will want to date me.
No one will want to marry me.
Am I self-pitying?

I want it all to stop.
The pain, the crying, the fighting.
Can I run away?
Never to be found again,
To start all over.

The tears are drying on my face.
I know what to do now.
I get in my car.
One hundred miles per hour and I'm flying.
And then I really am flying.

I crash.
It's wet and black.
I'm drowning, but not in my misery this time.
I smile.
I have found my peace,
Someone waiting for me with arms wide open.