Categories > TV > Firefly

A Lot of Gorram Trouble

by Dainichijess 2 reviews

She just wouldn't leave Jayne alone. Every time he turned around, it seemed, she got him in more trouble.

Category: Firefly - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Characters: Jayne, River - Warnings: [!] - Published: 2005-10-05 - Updated: 2005-10-05 - 1573 words - Complete

Disclaimer: All characters used within belong to Joss Wheadon. Also, I totally would not have wrote this if it wasn't for the fact that the idea was begging to be told. So there.

The little girl was messing with him. He wasn't sure why, but he was getting awful tired of
it. It seemed like everytime he turned around, there she was, about to get him in trouble.
The first time was months after they met Saffron again, and after Jayne had slept through
Jubal Early's attempted kidnapping. Jayne was walking around, bored, thinking about what to do with
his new money, when the cover to a vent shaft slid away above him. Jayne stepped back a little and
raised his gun towards the open shaft. Then River's little head peeked out.
"Jayne is a girl's name." she taunted.
"I am not a girl, gorramit." He glared at her. She looked at him questioningly, and then he
remembered what he had said earlier. She was baiting him. He thought it over: on one hand if she
told anybody or anyone saw, he could get in a lot of trouble. But on the other hand, Jayne never
passed up an opportunity to show off things he was proud of. He dropped his pants. River giggled a
little and disappeared back into the ship. Jayne stood there for a moment, his jaw low and one brow
high. He had had the courtesy to give her what she wanted, and then she laughed? How rude. The
door nearest Jayne opened and Zoe and Mal stepped through. They were discussing something, but they
promptly stopped when they saw Jayne. Ta ma de! He was in trouble for sure.
"...Captain. Zöe." He nodded at each of them. They simply stared back. Jayne pulled up his pants
and walked away like nothing had happened. As he left, Zöe turned to Mal.
"Captain, aren't you going to-"
"No, I'm not. Because doing something requires asking and frankly I do not want to know."
The next time was more of a mystery to Jayne. He wasn't actually sure who had done this, but he
knew Wash and Kaylee would have been too afraid of him for something like that, and Zöe, Mal, and Book
were above such things. Simon probably wouldn't have even thought of it, and Inara wouldn't touch him
if she paid him- not that he had tried. So River, being gorram crazy, was the only answer. He woke up
one morning feeling...odd. He wasn't sure how to quantify it. He got up and headed to the bathroom...
where he saw a face drawn on his "man parts."
"GORRAMNIT! /Da shabi cho yade/..." He finished up and headed to Mal's quarters. Money was tight,
so soap was being rationed. It was early, so now he'd get in trouble for not only needing more soap then
he had been allotted, but for waking up the Captain. He pounded on the door.
"Uh, Captain, I need to talk to you." After several minutes of pounding, the hatch opened.
"/Gun dan/! What the hell do you want so early in the mornin'?"
"Uh...can I come down there? It's kind of a private matter, Captain." Mal swore some more.
"Get down here, speak your peace, and then get out." Jayne dropped down and closed the hatch behind him.
"Captain, I need more soap."
"/Chou wang ba dan/, you just showered yesterday!" Jayne shifted uncomfortably, like a child who
needed a bathroom break.
"Captain...somebody...drew on me last night. And I need to wash it off."
"Pfft. I don't care."
"Gorramnit she drew on my pecker!" Mal's eyes widened, and then he laughed.
"Drew what?" Jayne shifted again. He mumbled. "What?" Mal leaned in closer.
"Drew a...smiley face," he whisptered. Mal laughed again, harder and louder this time. Jayne jumped,
afraid he might wake the rest of the crew. Mal slowly calmed down.
"I so don't believe you, but thanks for the laugh." Jayne glared at the Captain angrily. He grabbed the
waistband of his shorts and yanked them down. And sure enough, there it was. A smiley face. Mal wanted to
laugh but was too busy being upset by the fact that this marked the second time in a week that he had seen
Jayne's bits.
"It's not so bad. He looks happy!" Mal smiled condesendingly. Jayne pulled up his shorts and glared some
"But Captain, what if someone- what if a woman sees?"
"You'll get more soap next week. Now git." Jayne left, very very, very angry. Next time he saw that
little wench, she was gonna get it.
The time after that, he had been...tending to some manly urges when he saw what she had done. He had
gotten bored, and after he finished cleaning all his guns, patrolling the ship, and working out with Book, he
realized he didn't have much left to do except maybe try to pay Inara again or hit on Kaylee or tend to himself.
Not in the mood to be slapped, he chose the last option. He secured the hatch to his quarters and undressed
himself. He closed his eyes, touching himself thoughtlessly, trying not to look and see the smiley face,
mocking him. He opened his eyes to look at the nudie pictures he kept on his ceiling...and saw Jesus, arms
wide open, smiling up at him. His pictures had been replaced with illustrations of Jesus, from the Sheppard's
children's Bible.
"/Chou san ba shen jing bing/..." She had gotten him again. Who else could have stolen both sets of
items without being noticed? There were tons of them. River must have torn up the entire New Testament to
redecorate Jayne's bunk. He heard running upstairs. He pulled on his shorts and opened the hatch and went up.
"Captain!" Book was running towards the Captain's quarters. "Captain, someone has vandalized my illustrated
Bible!" The hatch for Mal's quarters opened and Mal came out.
"Calm down, Sheppard, and let me see that book." Mal flipped through the large book slowly, wondering who'd
have done such a thing. It wasn't just about the symbolism of the book, but of the significance it had to the
man who owned it. He had taught many illiterate children about his God using that book- hell, he had taught
Jayne about God using that book. Jayne didn't know what to do. He knew if he went back down to his bunk, the
Captain would be suspicious. But he also knew that if anyone saw what River had done to his bunk, he'd be in a
lot of trouble. He might even be headed to that "Special Hell" the Sheppard had threatened Mal with.
"Zöe. Search everybody's bunk." Zöe took what felt like ages to Jayne to search every bunk, with the
exeption of the Tam's, before coming to Jayne's.
"Captain, you might want to come down here," she said through the open hatch. Mal glared at Jayne and then
dropped in. Jayne smiled nervously at the Sheppard, who was looking at him sadly. Yep. He was going to a
special Hell.
"JAYNE! GET DOWN HERE!" Jayne dropped into the hatch. "Boy, you better have a good explanation for this."
He did not. But he thought very hard, and came up with something that might work.
"Uh, see...I've decided to give up, y'know, masturbatin, and I thought that maybe...maybe havin pictures of
the Lord above my bunk might help me resist temptation, and calm myself." He leaned towards the hatch. "I'm
real sorry, Sheppard, but I didn't think you would understand if I'd asked." The Sheppard nodded, and looked
less sad, if still a little bewildered.
"I forgive you, my son. You have chosen a noble goal. Next time you choose to turn to the Lord for solace,
however, please ask me before you do something like this."
"No harm, Sheppard?" Mal asked.
"Not exactly. Jayne, it'd make me very happy if you could refund the cost of that book for me at the next
trade station we go to." Jayne was pissed. He wanted to buy whiskey and grenades with that money! He was
gonna get that girl.
"Yeah, sure, anything for Jesus, Sheppard!" Zöe and Mal left Jayne's quarters slowly, both staring at him
uncomfortably. "/Zhe bu shi dong wu yuan/," muttered Jayne. He heard a faint giggle from above him.
"YOU! You come down here, gorramnit, little girl, or I swear I'll..." A ceiling access hatch in his room
slid open and River peeked out.
"Or you'll what?"
"...I'll do bad things to ya, that's what."
"Silly man. You can't hurt me."
"Oh yeah? And why's that?"
"Because I'm a witch." River poked Jayne's nose and disappeared back into the hatch, closing it behind her.
He heard no indication that she had moved away, but it seemed like he could hear her giggling throughout the
whole ruttin' ship. Jayne looked around.
"I'm sorry I called you so many bad things! I like you! I really do!" Stupid as he was, Jayne knew it
wasn't smart to be on the bad side of a witch. "You're a lot of gorram trouble for someone so small, girly."

Chinese insults from
Many thanks to Lyme and ChiDoll for being as pervy as I am and telling me I'm funny.
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