Categories > Celebrities > Fall Out Boy > Golden

Return Back Like A Relapse

by moocow 13 reviews

3/5 of breakdowns. -Joe by Ashley. yay

Category: Fall Out Boy - Rating: R - Genres: Angst, Drama, Romance - Warnings: [!!] [?] - Published: 2007-04-08 - Updated: 2007-04-09 - 1569 words

Sweat formed along his brow and hairline as he clenched his teeth. All his blue-green veins were visible against his pale skin. His body trembled and a painful groan escaped from his mouth. Every swear word imaginable then came, his voice echoing in the almost vacant room. He grabbed the sheets and twisted them around his fist, shaking his head violently. His breathing was rapid and he flailed like a fish out of water on top of the bed.

And all I could do was watch until it was over.

It had been happening for about a week and a half now. He'd have a hot or cold flash suddenly, and then as fast as it started, it would end. But each time it seemed to get worse and more painful to watch. I had to constantly remind myself that this withdrawal was going to make him a step closer to being clean, or otherwise I'd end up going out and getting the drugs myself, just so he wouldn't have to go through the pain.

I exhaled, folding the wet cloth in my hands as I walked over to his bedside as soon as it stopped. He didn't budge as I dabbed at his forehead. A lump in my throat held back anything I had to say, which was nothing anyways. Only his shallow breathing kept the room from complete silence.

"Joe," I whispered, swallowing the lump in my throat. His eyebrows raised, but his eyes remained closed.

"Yeah." I bit my lip to the sound of his cracking voice. I felt responsible for all this.

"Are you sure you don't want to check into a clinic?"

His eyes shot open and I jumped back, startled by his sudden movement.

"I'm not going anywhere near a rehab." He coughed and shut his eyes again.

I nodded, placing the cloth on a side table. I couldn't force him to go to a rehab, but I think we both knew that I won't be able to handle this without professional help for much longer.

I turned to leave, but as my hand reached the doorknob, Joe said something that I couldn't make out since he coughed between each word.

"What?" I asked softly, turning back to him, who was now propped up on his forearms.

"Don't," he coughed, "leave me alone."

I went back over to the bed and sat next to him as he laid back down.

"I won't," I rubbed the back of my hand against the side of his warm face. His jaw tensed up for a second, but relaxed as I traced his jaw line with two of my fingers. "I can't."

"Good." He reached up and grabbed my hand, pulling me closer to his body. He half-opened his eyes and looked up at me. I smiled as our fingers intertwined. "I can't do this alone Maddie." My heart pounded against my rib cage.

"You're not alone," I moved to lie next to him so our eyes were level and our noses barely touched. "You never were."

He let go of my hand and reached up to my face, cupping my cheek. "I'm so sorry, for bringing this on you."

"I offered to take you in. I brought this on myself." He shook his head.

"I don't know why you waste your time." His hand trailed down to my bare waist where my shirt had rolled up, resting it there.

"Sometimes I don't even know why."

I chuckled, causing him to smile. Then a silence followed.

The sun was starting to set outside, the golden rays sneaking between the blinds and landing perfectly on his face, bringing somewhat color to it. Although he was a wreck, his eyes were still the deep blue that any ocean would be jealous of.

"If I make it out of this alive, I want to thank you."

I furrowed my eyebrows together and skewed my lips to the side.

"What do you mean 'if I make it out alive.'?"

"Ya know, just in case."

I sighed.

"You'll make it Joe, even if it kills me." I smiled reassuringly, but he lowered his eyes, as if he was ashamed.

"Why do you care so much, especially for a fuck up like me?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but realized I had no idea why I cared. I mean, he was just, Joe, that's why I cared. The thought never crossed my mind or if it did, I would just think that it was my job to. Maybe that's it. It was simply my duty to care for Joe. And in some kind of ying and yang universe, he was taking care of me.

Joe started to shake his head, probably from my delay for an answer.

"Why are you shaking your head?" I frowned.

"Cause you didn't answer?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well why do you keep coming back here?" I asked.

Joe looked back up at me, and a smile embraced his face.

"I asked you a question first."

I clicked my tongue against the roof of my mouth, making a click noise.

"It's my job to," I replied, "Now answer mine."

His eyes lowered again. I reached up and pressed my hand gently against his face, making him look up. His eyes darted around as if he was looking for an answer, but then they settled dead on my eyes. It was a stare that made you hold your breath.

The last bit of sun had now set and the moonlight started to replace it.

And in a barely audible voice, he sighed,

"Cause I love you."

I immediately sat up and got off the bed. My ears must've been hearing wrong, or it was some side effect from withdrawals. He didn't just say...

"Wha... what?" I stuttered.

He sat up on the bed and scooted to the edge in front of me.

"I love you Maddie," he mumbled.

"You're not thinking rationally. I think you need to-"

"I'm thinking just fine. This is the first time in years I have been completely sober, and I know what I'm saying in sincere. So don't tell me what I need to do or not to do," he interjected.

I shut my eyes and exhaled silently.

"I have to go."


Tears fell uncontrollably down my red stung cheeks from the cold as I rang the doorbell to a home I messily scribbled the address to on the back of my hand.

It didn't take very long before a light turned on and the lock on the door clicked open and an woman who looked somewhat annoyed opened the door enough for her head to look through. I didn't wait for her to greet me, I just completely broke down on her doorstep.

"Dr. Jenn," I sobbed, "Something has happened to Joe."

Her eyes widened and she opened the door wider. She clenched her robe tightly as a cool breeze brushed past.

"What happened Maddie?" she asked.

I shook my head and shrugged. "I left him alone in his room and went downstairs. He started to play guitar, so I figured he was fine and I went outside to check the mail. Then I came back and the house was silent, but I didn't think much of it and took my time to go back up and check on him." More tears fell and I started to stutter obnoxiously.

She nodded. "And?" her voice didn't sound worried, but it wasn't non-caring sounding either. Just calm, making me calm down.

I took a deep breath before continuing. "He... he relapsed. Somehow he had managed to hide the drugs from me. And, and...and his body must've rejected the drugs since he has been off them for a little more than a week and a half. That's what the doctors told me anyways."

"Is there any reason why he all of a sudden relapsed?"

I lowered my eyes, feeling the tears well up again.

"I left him alone after he asked me not to."

"Mmm," she nodded. "Well Maddie, you do know that this means he might have to go into a rehab."

I shook my head. "He won't. I've tried."

She pursed her lips for a second before replying.

"I know, but he might have to."

I inhaled deeply and nodded. She smiled lightly.

"For now, I think you should go back to the hospital and be there for Joe when he wakes up. Alright Maddie?"

I nodded again and turned, but stopped for a second and turned back around before she shut her door.

"How did you know I was Maddie?" I asked.

She shrugged, "Wild guess."


Everything seemed to blur together on the way there and as the nurse led me to his room where he was resting. It wasn't until I was in the room when I had gathered consciousness of where I was.

His heart monitor beeped rhythmically. Tubes ran everywhere on his body and his eyes darted around behind his eyelids probably from dreaming. I walked over to his bed side and ran my fingers through his newly growing fro.

I bent over and kissed his temple lightly then moved my lips over to his ear and barely whispered,

"I care for you, not because it's my job," I inhaled trying to calm my racing heart, "but because I love you more than I can ever tell you."
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