FicWad

This is Ranmaru being angsty and missing Mitsuhide like crazy. Some lyrics have been amended to fit the purpose of the fic - all 'she' has been changed to 'he' and so forth. But I still don't own this song, even though it is so beautiful...

The song belongs to My Chemical Romance. Ranmaru and Mitsuhide belong to Koei but I wish they were mine.

THE GHOST OF YOU

I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died we'd be together now
I can't always just forget him
But I could try

It's the first night after I killed my dear Mitsuhide. I lie on my futon in my room, staring at the ceiling. There is a small spider on the beam, white and black, crawling along intent on its own business. I don't know if spiders feel love, or pain, or agony, or anything. If they don't, I wish I was a spider right now. I don't want the ache in my heart any more. I don't want to lie here, hoping that against all odds he didn't die in the castle and that I will hear his soft footfall on the floor outside, his gentle knock followed by the silken slide of the door opening, then his tornado of black hair engulfing us both as he sweeps me into his arms... But I can hope as much as I like. He's dead, by my hand. Nothing can change that.

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are never ever...

Every time I shut my eyes, I see him as he was before the betrayal. We were happy then, living and fighting side by side. He always had a smile for me, no matter how busy he was, or how angry he was. If I was around, his dark eyes would sparkle for me. I spent my days learning how to be a better swordsman, marvelling at how easily he moved, at one with that long white sword of his. He always praised my efforts, no matter if I didn't grasp the technique.

And I spent my nights in his arms. In this very room, he declared he loved me. In this room, he took my innocence. I remember the fear I felt the first time he untied my kimono, sliding his soft fingers onto my cold skin. I trembled at his touch, both excited and afraid. He nuzzled my neck, reassuring me. When he slipped his hand into my hakama, I remember my pulse starting to race. I was so scared... But when it happened, and he was finally inside me, I felt no fear. I had to bury my head into the pillow to stop people from hearing my moans. His hands were all over my back, stroking every inch of me... I melted into him, lost in the moment. But I will never feel his touch again. I will never see his smile as I lean over to wake him with a kiss. He had so much to tell me, I'm sure. He said I had much to learn. But fate tore us apart, and led him to his death.

Ever...
Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms he dies
He dies

I feel so alone. I very rarely spent a night away from him, but the betrayal meant I had to get used to sleeping on my own. But I had my memories of his touch, so I never felt truly alone. But now, I have to hang onto this memory because it is all I have left of him. He died in my arms, still trying to make me understand his motives. I remember uttering an anguished cry as he finally went still, his life swept away. His body is somewhere in Azuchi Castle, probably burnt to cinders. I held him as he slipped away... the boy who killed him but held him as he died.

I blink away a tear. I am a boy of contrasts - femininely beautiful yet with the power of an avenging dragon; a killer, and yet a comforter; gentle and kind to my friends, yet a beast on the battlefield. Is it any wonder my heart is so tortured, with all these flip sides rotating in my head? I lie back and lose myself in the memories of my lover, imagining his touch soothing me to sleep, like it has done so many nights previously.

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

The memories of Mitsuhide are so potent that I can almost feel his touch now, I can almost feel his lips on mine. I slide my night clothes off, letting the silky sheets touch my skin. I race my hand over my body, chasing the feeling that my love is touching me. I feel cold.

Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

Something touches my more sensitive part and I gasp. There is nothing or nobody in the room. The sensation is cold, and I moan as I feel what can only be described as ghostly hands on my skin, and I swear that I feel the tickle of long hair on my chest. What could pass for a gust of wind touches my lips for an instant, then begins to work its way down my body. I groan, my body shuddering with the pleasure. I reach out for the unseen entity but I cannot touch it, although my fingers tingle with something...

As soon as I do that, the feeling is gone and I am left lying on top of my sheets, cold as ice. I close my eyes. Obviously my imagination ran away with me, leaving me with that sensation. But I know it was just the ghost of him...

If I fall...
If I fall...

I could go back to the castle. I want to find his body, I want to give him a decent burial. I want to mourn him properly. My heart has broken with his death, and while I have the memories hanging over me, I cannot get on with my life. He must be buried, somewhere where the people can mourn their hero, and somewhere I can pay my respects to him daily.

The cold sensation is back again as I think that, and I am sure a hand reaches out to brush my tousled hair away from my face. Mitsuhide, why does your ghost linger with me? It is as if you are calling to me... like you want me at your side again. I can't stop my sobs then, and I know I'm going crazy as I feel arms wrap around me and a kiss on my forehead. I am driving myself insane - I can't stay like this. I want to be with my Mitsuhide again!

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Those feelings are why I am now picking through the wreckage of Azuchi Castle at midnight, searching for his body. I have been looking for almost an hour now, to no avail. Perhaps I should give up - but you taught me never to give up. I drag a heavy blackened beam out of the way and there he is. The fire has hardly touched him, although his armour is tarnished with soot. He looks peaceful, his beloved sword clasped in his left hand, as it should be.

I lift him up and carry him to a nearby cherry tree, its blossom-heavy branches beautiful in the moonlight. He looks as if he is just sleeping as I prop him up against the trunk. I smile. I am by his side. But not truly, yet, not like he wants me to be.

I make my choice as I run my hand over his cold dead lips. I will be with him forever! I grab my sword and without a second thought, drive it through my stomach, twisting it. The pain is incredible. Now I know how all those people I killed felt as they saw me, Mitsuhide's angel, cutting through their friends, waiting for the inevitable as I skewered them on this cursed blade.

I feel my death coming quickly, so I pull the sword out of my stomach and lie down, taking Mitsuhide's body into my arms. I swore to him that I would die at his side, and I have fulfilled that promise. God, I am in such pain...

Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...

I see him, his arms open for me... He is waiting... and I am late...