Categories > Anime/Manga > Tsubasa/xxxHolic > Sleepless
There wasn't a time in his memory where sleep had ever come at will. Some nights had been easier than most, certainly, but as time passed, he found it grew constantly more difficult to sleep. He tossed and turned whenever he tried to rest as the cunning oblivion of sleep evaded him time after time. Fai supposed a peaceful night of deep and unfailing bliss wasn't meant to be his. When he did manage to claim an hour or two of it for his own it was filled with dreams of lies and torments; of a curse that felt it was nearer the edge of fulfillment with each passing feather they obtained, now that his eye was gone.
His dreams always left him distraught and fearful. Often, when he finally awoke, Fai couldn't help but worry he'd cried out in his sleep, for the narrowed eyes intensely staring at him felt as though they would leave blisters on the back of his head. Fai wondered, but couldn't bring himself to find the answer in those eyes the same shade as the terrible, vibrant color that flooded his dreams and stained his past a relentless, unfading crimson. Not then, when the pain was again nearly too fresh to bear and his defenses were too low. Those too-sharp eyes might see too much in his face, maskless after finally being awoken from what felt like a lifelong string of nightmares. Sometimes, when the need to know was unshakable despite all his fears of the what-ifs, he would sneak a peak and the look in Kurogane's eyes would stalk his thoughts for days. "I'll find the real you. I'll catch you in your lies and tear all your walls away. Then I'll figure you out, and make you stop running," they said to him.
On the worst of nights, in the most horrible of his dreams, those eyes and that deep voice would haunt his dreams with harsh words as they spilled Fai's own fears fresh into his mind.
"Liar. Murderer. Worthless little puppet. Because of you, we'll lose everything. You hurt us all just by existing."
And Fai would want to break, because only Kurogane could hurt him like that with harsh words, but he couldn't. The words sounded nothing like his dark ninja, and as long as he could remember that when he woke with his breath catching in his throat and his heart trying to escape through his chest, he'd be fine.
He just needed to ignore the echoing voice in his head.
"There's no rest for the wicked. You'll have to run forever."
That was true, he'd think to himself once he'd calmed down and the voice had stopped echoing in his head. True, deep, reviving sleep only came to those with nothing heavy weighing on their conscience. Fai wasn't one of those lucky people, and exhaustion was the only thing left to claim him in the end. Perhaps one day, when all this had passed, he'd be able to come clean, and forgive himself. Then he'd feel safe enough to tell everything to the man who hid his care for his companions beneath a façade of stoic denial.
Then, if all was said and done and he was alive still alive at the end, maybe...
...Maybe then, he'd be able to sleep.
His dreams always left him distraught and fearful. Often, when he finally awoke, Fai couldn't help but worry he'd cried out in his sleep, for the narrowed eyes intensely staring at him felt as though they would leave blisters on the back of his head. Fai wondered, but couldn't bring himself to find the answer in those eyes the same shade as the terrible, vibrant color that flooded his dreams and stained his past a relentless, unfading crimson. Not then, when the pain was again nearly too fresh to bear and his defenses were too low. Those too-sharp eyes might see too much in his face, maskless after finally being awoken from what felt like a lifelong string of nightmares. Sometimes, when the need to know was unshakable despite all his fears of the what-ifs, he would sneak a peak and the look in Kurogane's eyes would stalk his thoughts for days. "I'll find the real you. I'll catch you in your lies and tear all your walls away. Then I'll figure you out, and make you stop running," they said to him.
On the worst of nights, in the most horrible of his dreams, those eyes and that deep voice would haunt his dreams with harsh words as they spilled Fai's own fears fresh into his mind.
"Liar. Murderer. Worthless little puppet. Because of you, we'll lose everything. You hurt us all just by existing."
And Fai would want to break, because only Kurogane could hurt him like that with harsh words, but he couldn't. The words sounded nothing like his dark ninja, and as long as he could remember that when he woke with his breath catching in his throat and his heart trying to escape through his chest, he'd be fine.
He just needed to ignore the echoing voice in his head.
"There's no rest for the wicked. You'll have to run forever."
That was true, he'd think to himself once he'd calmed down and the voice had stopped echoing in his head. True, deep, reviving sleep only came to those with nothing heavy weighing on their conscience. Fai wasn't one of those lucky people, and exhaustion was the only thing left to claim him in the end. Perhaps one day, when all this had passed, he'd be able to come clean, and forgive himself. Then he'd feel safe enough to tell everything to the man who hid his care for his companions beneath a façade of stoic denial.
Then, if all was said and done and he was alive still alive at the end, maybe...
...Maybe then, he'd be able to sleep.
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