FicWad

Disclaimer: All your Suikoden are belong to Konami.

For those of you unfamiliar with this most hallowed genre, a 'lightbulb fic' is one in which plot=characters change a lightbulb. Yes, really. A few spoilers here and there regarding true runes and the flame champion. Rated for a bit of uncouth language and sexual banter, but it's all in good fun.

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Sui3 Lightbulb Fic

Colossal doors opened before the masked bishop. The protestant creak of their ancient hinges reverberated throughout the abyssal chamber that lay behind them. Motes of dust that had lain undisturbed for countless centuries now danced in the weak sliver of light that crept in from the doorway. It seemed as if even the sun was afraid to trespass here. The masked bishop stepped boldly into the darkness, confident that the Cyndar ruins could not hide their secrets from one worthy enough to see them, one such as him. However, his eyes found only shadows wherever he looked. "Crap," he said, turning back towards his three companions who yet remained outside, "Anybody have a light?"

"I'll get it." It was Yuber who answered him.

The masked bishop curtly nodded his assent and returned his attention to the dark mysteries of the Cyndar ruins. Sarah stepped in to join him in his search. There was little she could do to assist, but the bishop wasn't one to spurn her company. A few seconds passed before they smelled smoke. In retrospect, leaving that particular task in the hands of the demonic pyromaniac blackguard of chaos was probably not a good idea.

Albert's screams suddenly caught their attention. "Yeeeaargh! My hair!!"

Sarah marched out to confront Yuber. Standing up to him with arms crossed in a quite peevish fashion, she addressed him accusingly, "Yuber, you didn't set Albert on fire again, did you?"

Yuber met Sarah's chastising look with a nonchalant shrug. ". . . My bad."

The masked bishop regarded the shrieking, flaming strategist with patent stoicism. "Sarah, a water spell please."

"Right away, sir." Sarah complied and proceeded to douse Albert with a hastily chanted spell.

Albert struggled to regain his composure. 'A strategist must remain cool' was his mantra. He brushed his hair back into its usual semblance of order and wrung the water out of his scarf, trying desperately to ignore the irreparable damage done to his dry-clean only coat.

"Idiots," the masked bishop said with a disparaging look in the direction of his cohorts. He once again attempted to resume his search in the ruins. "Now where's that altar? Should be around here somewhere . . ."

He had to resort to blindly feeling his way around the chamber. His hands traced the dust-filled, time-worn etchings of the Cyndar script along walls and columns. It was a language known to only a few in modern times. Sarah came to assist, as did Albert, who wasn't very keen on standing outside next to Yuber anymore.

Albert's voice called out from the shadows. "I think I've found something. Some sort of statue perhaps. It might be some sort of fertility idol, based on the curvature of the---"

"Get your hands off me!" Sarah's cry was punctuated with a loud thwap as she bludgeoned Albert with her staff.

The masked bishop was oblivious, for he was in some pain of his own. A nasty bump on his shin told him he'd found the altar. He ran his hands over the arcane glyphs carved in the crumbling stone, translating. When he had deciphered the cryptic message, he made his back to the entryway and called for the others to join him.

"According to the inscriptions, some sort of artifact known as a 'lightbulb' is required to illuminate the altar area. It apparently goes into an aperture in the ceiling. I'll stop at nothing to acquire it," said the masked bishop, relishing the dramatic echo the chamber provided.

Albert's keen mind quickly formulated a plan of action. "If we utilize all the Harmonian forces at out disposal to implement a thorough sweep of the countryside, we should find it in no time."

Sarah gave the strategist a suspicious look. "Is that really necessary?"

Albert glared sharply at Sarah. "Zip it."

"I mean, wouldn't hiring a treasure hunter or even a ninja to find it be more efficient?" said Sarah.

"Shut up!" said Albert.

"But I want a ninja! I'm sick of our skuzzy old grizzled mercenaries. They drink all day, they smell funny, and I don't much care for Elaine."

Albert scoffed at Sarah's objections. As if her puny intellect was capable of comprehending the complex logistical subtleties of his methodology in choosing minions. "Nonsense," he said, "Elaine is indispensable. She's a reliable mercenary, a skilled fighter, and she can put her legs behind her head."

"Yes, I understand she came highly recommended by the entire male populace of Caleria," said Yuber.

The masked bishop interjected. "ANYWAY, your plan sounds excellent, Albert. You will accompany me on this mission."

"And me?" Yuber stepped forward. He was excited at the prospect of bloodshed and carnage. He was eager to assist in many creative ways. It had been a while since he'd seen a good battle. He was going to waste here when he could be out terrorizing people, leaving chaos and wreckage in his wake. He was eager for new blood on his swords.

Albert was quick to reply. "No, your assistance will not be required." Yuber had that look in his eye again. It made him nervous. It was never a good sign.

Yuber all but pouted. Stupid strategist, always trying to minimize collateral damage. They never let him have any fun.

Sarah looked plaintively at the masked bishop. "What would you have me do, sir?"

The masked bishop turned to her. "Sarah, there also appears to be a seal around the area that will need to be broken before we can proceed with our plan. I'll need you to try to disperse it while I find the artifact, and make sure Yuber doesn't burn the place down."

"Yes sir," she said, unenthusiastic. "Oh, promise me you'll return." Tears pooled in her eyes as she spoke. She searched for any trace of tender emotion that might lay behind his façade. Her voice was strained with undisguised longing. The thought of parting was unbearable to her. Her heart ached. It was like being bereft of part of her own soul to be away from him. All the love she had for him was not enough. She was powerless to help soothe the angst that consumed him. "I don't know what I'd do without you. I. . . I. . ."

"Yes, Sarah. I know. You're unhealthily codependent."

"What?"

"Now then, a teleportation spell, if you please."

Sarah conjured the teleportation circle, and the masked bishop and Albert were happily off on their way to ironhanded subjugation of the masses.

Determined to carry out the bishop's orders, Sarah began focusing her magical energies, concentrating intensely. It would require an enormous amount of energy to break through a Cyndar seal. The task required utmost focus. She held her staff before her, using it as a focus to summon the arcane powers. While watching Yuber out of the corner of her eye. He looked bored. That made her nervous. She forced herself to concentrate on her spell.

Yuber idly approached her. He looked at her sidelong. He was indeed bored. There was nothing to do here. She didn't look flammable. She had a water rune, so she wouldn't burn for very long anyway. He sighed. He was desperate for something to break the monotony. "So a Zexen knight, a Harmonian spy, and two ducks walk into a bar . . ."

Sarah idly interjected, her mind elsewhere. "I think I've heard that one before."

Yuber frowned. This sucked. "Can I burn something?"

"Do you mind? I'm trying to concentrate here. And no!" She growled through clenched teeth. Her brow furrowed with irritation. She gripped her staff so hard her knuckles were white. Sarah once again summoned the arcane energy, determined to complete the spell.

". . . Not even . . ."

"NO!"

"Sheesh. What crawled up your . . ."

Sarah's spell fizzled into ether as her last nerved snapped from wear. She threw down her staff and spun on Yuber. "THAT'S IT! You're going down!"

Yuber was amused that he'd finally gotten a rise out of her. So amused that he barely had time to register the berserk rage in her eyes before he found himself in a tight headlock as Sarah enthusiastically attempted to manually separate his head from his shoulders. Yuber was a bit taken aback, but still quite amused. And here he'd thought that hanging out with her would be boring.

The first thing that Albert and the masked bishop saw when they returned was precisely the last thing they expected. Except for maybe the Zexen army joined hand in hand with the Karaya tribe in a soulful chorus of Kumbaya. Or maybe the last unknown survivors of the Cyndar, reanimated from some magical stasis in the depths of the ruins, emerging to declare them their new gods. Or maybe Holy Hikusaak himself showing up to cheerfully hand over his true runes. While wearing a chicken costume.

Yuber was standing with his hand on his hat, bearing his practically trademarked smug expression. However, this otherwise ordinary image seemed slightly out of place due to the fact that Sarah was hanging around his neck like a scarf. They were well aware that Yuber and Sarah were no strangers to antagonistic tension, but nevertheless this scene struck the masked bishop and the strategist as more than a little amiss.

The masked bishop was noticeably flustered. "Yuber, what are you doing with Sarah?"

Yuber drew himself up, lifting his struggling assailant with him. He kept his hand on his hat, not once letting it go askew. "She was all over me almost as soon as you left. Can I help it if chicks dig the evil guys?"

"Sarah!" cried the masked bishop.

Sarah immediately forgot any homicidal intentions and disentangled herself from around Yuber's neck. She threw herself prostrate at the masked bishop's feet. "Forgive me, sir. He distracted me and I lost control."

"I'll say," said Albert. He paused to calculate the implications, and probabilities. " You know, Sarah, I can be quite evil myself . . ."

"Enough of this nonsense!" At this point the mask bishop was irate enough that he had to remind himself that a double homicide was a frivolity he could not afford at this point in the mission. "Now that we have acquired the lightbulb, nothing can stop us from uncovering the secrets of the Cyndar." He held the treasure aloft, the pinnacle of arcane engineering, a miracle of metal and glass crafted by advanced technology lost to modern times. His minions gazed disinterestedly at its not-quite awe-inspiring splendor.

"You found it so quickly? Did you encounter any difficulty?" said Sarah.

"We actually found that they carried them at the local trading post," Albert answered. "It was a short siege. We met early resistance from a skirmisher force of stockmen led by the clerk, a cunning leader but no match for my skills. They surrendered without a single casualty. When we intercepted the reinforcements from the nightshift, the battle was ours."

"Oh my," said Sarah.

The masked bishop, smug in the wake of his success, called his minions to attention now that they could finally proceed. "Now for the obligatory recap of our plan. First we must find a way to . . . is anyone paying attention?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I thought I heard something over there." Sarah gestured to an outcropping of rock near the entrance to the ruins.

"Feh. Yuber, go see what it is and deal with it." The masked bishop waved dismissively in the direction she'd pointed out.

Yuber promptly skipped off to wreak much-anticipated terror and carnage. "Yay! I get to kill stuff!"

It seemed no sooner than he was out of sight that his compatriots heard the unmistakable sounds of battle. The clash of swords. The explosion of a spell. The masked bishop, Sarah and Albert stood in silence as they waited patiently for the battle to be over. Albert did a quick mental calculation of Yuber's chance of success against an unknown variable for an opponent, and immediately set to forming a contingency plan.

It wasn't long before all sounds stopped and they heard Yuber cry out. "You maggots!" When he made his way back, decidedly sulky and defeated-looking, they were entirely unsurprised. He gave them all his best demonic glare, daring them to say anything.

"Lost again?" Sarah chided.

"They cheated!" Yuber snarled indignantly.

"Suuure they did."

Yuber was about to retort when a group of people emerged into view.

They all recognized them, of course. They had the unmistakable air of protagonists. At this point they knew most of them by name by now. It seemed like they always had the misfortune of running into them at inopportune moments, whether they be grizzled mercenaries, Grassland savages, or Zexen knights. They could usually hear the ironheads' armor clinking from some ways away, giving them a bit more warning.

Today it was a mixed bag of nuts consisting of Geddoe, Chris, Hugo, Jaques, Lilly, and Roland. Seeing them all together violated every law of probability that Albert knew of.

It was Lilly Pendragon who was the first to approach. Behind her, her companions made various gestures of surprise, irritation, and dismay, but none actually dared to try to stop her. "Excuse me," she said in a strong, demanding voice that seemed to belong exclusively to princesses. "Could you please explain what's going on? All we managed to catch were vague bits of conversation that alluded to some malevolent and intricate plot without divulging any actual information."

Albert greeted her with all the suaveness he could muster. She was, after all, on his list of marriageable heiresses of the world.

The masked bishop walked past her, pointedly ignoring her. He stood before the young Karayan boy, Hugo. "Well, well, well. If it isn't the new so-called Flame Champion.

Hugo blinked for a moment. "Who, me?" He turned to Geddoe. "I thought you had the true fire rune."

The cold expression that Geddoe wore like a stone mask broke for a moment when he looked back at Hugo. "Me? I thought you had it!"

Sarah eyed Geddoe suspiciously. "You can't possibly be him!" she called out indignantly. The real Flame Champion could shoot balls of fire from his eyes and bolts of lighting from his arse!"

". . . Please don't ask me to demonstrate," said Geddoe. He avoided many disturbed expressions, mostly from his allies. Briefly holding onto the true fire and lightning runes could do strange things to a man.

". . . I like birds," said Jaques, oblivious.

The Silver Maiden of Zexen glared sharply at her two fellow candidates for the title of Flame Champion. "Oh, for crying out loud! You don't remember which one of you is the new Flame Champion?"

"Shut up, Ironhead!" Hugo snarled at her.

Roland was quick to intercede on his captain's behalf. "Barbarian!"

"Who are you calling a barbarian?!" Hugo drew his dagger as he yelled at the elf.

Roland rolled his eyes.

Geddoe stepped between the Karayan and the Zexens. He looked at Hugo admonishingly. "Didn't your mother teach you anything? At least wait until they're asleep to kill them. Tch. Karayan kids."

"What?" said Chris.

Meanwhile, the masked bishop calmly assessed their situation. Then he remembered that that was the strategist's job. "Albert, what is our probability of successfully obtaining our objective? Albert?"

Albert was indeed distracted. "Why, Lady Lilly, has anyone told you have the most beautiful eyes, the most perfect lips, the largest tracts of land. . ."

"Albert!"

"What?!" Albert snapped back at the masked bishop.

"Our chances of success here?"

"Accounting for all known variables and figuring in the protagonist factor, our probability is approximately nil."

"Fine. Screw it. We're leaving. Sarah, a teleportation spell."

"Yes sir!" Sarah immediately began the motions of casting, and a circle of rippling light pooled on the ground around her. The masked bishop and Albert stepped into it and waited for Yuber to join them. And waited.

"Yuber, we're leaving!" Sarah called to their errant cohort, who was facing off with the interlopers, swords drawn again.

"But I can kill them!" He threw an annoyed look back at her.

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Yes, Yuber, of course you can."

"Yuber, get in the glowing green circle," the masked bishop said wearily.

"Aww, nutbunnies!" Yuber cursed. He returned his swords to the recesses of his sleeves and retreated from what he was sure would have been a pleasant bloodbath.

The four now gathered together in the teleportation circle, the spell was completed. Magical light coalesced around them in a brilliant pillar, and when it vanished, so had they.

While his companions were occupied with blaming each other for letting the villains escape, Geddoe noticed a strange object on the ground where they'd been. It was a simple glass bulb with a slender piece of twisted metal inside it, and an endcap wrought in a strange spiral pattern. He bent and picked it up, and when he grabbed it with the hand in which his true rune was imbedded, it suddenly began glowing brightly enough to light the chamber.

~ fin