FicWad

Disclaimer: This story is completely original and written by me. All characters, settings, ideas, etc. also belong to me. Any similarities to any persons, living or dead, are completely coincidental.



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Slate



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I gave until I couldn't give anymore... it wasn't working. No matter how much I put in, nothing ever came out. Everything was... gray. Dead and gray.



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I sat in the kitchen, at the counter, on one of those tall wooden stools that she'd picked out. She picked out everything in this house. Everything had been touched by her, and it was a bright and lovely place because of it. Well, to anyone who didn't see the world in slate it was a beautiful home. To me, though... the light that let me see the world in color was gone, and there was nothing I could do to get it back.



I screwed up. The sun shone across the countertop, making the pale white of it appear a bright orange. I could only stare and see the same thing I always saw; I couldn't see the beauty without her near. Maybe that was a lie... she never had to be /near/, really, I just had to know that she was mine. We were in love and she was mine. One of the few things in my life I thought I'd never lose, one of those things I never looked back on and wondered what life would be like without it. Because I knew it'd be something I didn't want to go through.


When you love someone, and you marry that person, you're supposed to be together forever. Not only until breath leaves both of your bodies, but even in the stars, in Heaven, in some ephemeral state-love will conquer all and keep you tied to each other for eternity. God, I felt that for her, and I still do. A pull at my heart strings when I see her face, even in my dreams. I don't care if people say it isn't real, I know what I feel and it's the only thing to me that is real anymore.



Money, career, they mean nothing. They pull for your attention day in and day out, but at the end of the day when she was in my arms I knew it what mattered. I knew/, oh how I knew... Just like how Columbus /knew that Asia was only three-thousand miles west of Europe, I knew this was where I was meant to be-where we were meant to be. It's funny yet sadistic how quickly the things we know change. God, I miss her.



I screwed up. I had everything in the world, I had /her/. The love of my life. And I did the worst thing I could, the one thing I never wanted to do... I hurt her. I hurt her enough that as much as she loved me, she had to leave. I took the most wonderful thing, the only thing that filled my /soul /and I destroyed her... I pray that some day she can love again. Even if not me, as much as it hurts to say... at least let her love again. At least let someone bring that light into her life; she didn't deserve anything of what I did to her.



It hurts so much. This glass in my hand, I wonder if I squeezed it hard enough if I could break it? Cut my hands on the shards, maybe make myself feel... bleed a little. Feel her pain. God, I love her so much... I'll wait here forever for her to return. I know she won't, and I know she won't ever love like that again, but I pray... I pray I can be forgiven. I pray that love really will pull us together again. My heart aches too much for me to give up this one hope.



Some days I ask myself "Why?" Why did you have to leave? Why did I make that mistake? Why did I forget... why did I let myself forget about you long enough to destroy it all? I had a moment of weakness, and I'd like to think I'm a good man and would never do such a thing. Indulge in temptation. But I did... and I lost everything. I truly do feel like a son of Eve now. And more a fool than ever.



My head aches so much. It's the stress, I know. Stress from my career, stress from this divorce. Mostly, stress from knowing I can't be with her again. God, it hurts... I can't even look at the bed we used to share. I used to hold her every night when we fell asleep... I don't even have a child. We never had a child. Our careers didn't permit it at the time, but I always wanted a little girl. Just like her, a beautiful woman to love, a piece of her to always keep with me... now more than ever I regret not fathering a child when I had the chance.



I suppose it's better this way, though. Don't want to make a child choose between parents. I would have had a way to hold on to her, though... a link that would never be broken. Then again, I thought our love, our vows, our lives would never be broken. But here I am, a fallen man, the disciple of a coward, praying that love will save us... and that maybe I'm not as horrible as the man that made that mistake.



Our friends say she's found others, but she's not happy. They want me to do something, but what can I do? After seeing the look on her face when she found out... the moment the hurt flashed through her eyes; flashed through her soul... I have no right to say or do anything. I can only sit here, in this empty house, in the gray of my life and hope the color comes back. I can only hope. Hope for a better day, hope for redemption, exoneration. It may be too much to ask for, so I won't ask, but I'll silently pray.



Please, let love lead you back to me. Let love heal us and bring us to the place where we belong. After having you as my wife, I can't see us anywhere else... what I felt was real /and I know you felt the same. I will wait for you, for as long as it takes. Even if you never forgive, and never return... I'll be here. If you ever need me, if you're ever lost and lonely... even if we can never be, I'll be here. I can't turn my back on the one I love. Even with the things you've said, I know it's because you're hurt... and the person you trusted most did that. "I'm sorry" is such an inadequate phrase... my /soul aches for you and for what I have done. I love you... I could go on about how sorry I am, or how much of a mistake it was, or how I never meant to hurt you, but words are cheap. Actions speak volumes... actions destroy marriages.



They say my career is going to take off because of this... because of the artistry found in the pain. But it's empty; it's so empty without you. Who to share my success with? You're the only one in my world that matters... the only one that gives it life, gives it meaning. I can't change what I've done... I hope that time and love can bring you back to me. Because this world of grays and blues is beautiful in a mournful way... the kind of beauty you can appreciate but never want to see again.



The light will always be on in this house of slate. In the house we once called a home.