FicWad

Moans and groans came from his mouth as I took him for a ride. God, does it feel good to be in bed with him again. I've missed him. His look, his kiss, his touch. It's all so perfect.

He flipped me over and it was his turn to ride. My eyes shut as we reached out peak. He held onto the headboard.

" FUCK!" he yelled after all the pleasure was done. He rolled off me and breathed heavily beside me. I laughed while I wrapped my leg around his. He cast a side-way glance at me and licked his lips, then looked away. He was always like this, after ever fuck.

" What's wrong Brenny Bear?" I cooed into his ear. He squirmed slightly, his body language telling me he didn't want to be so close. I rolled my eyes and sat myself up next to him. I covered my chest with the white sheets, leaned over to the side table and brought out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Once I had one lit, I took a long drawl and let it out slowly. Looking over at Brendon I could see his guilty expression. He always got this look.

Brendon and I met about three months ago at one of his concerts. I was just one of the lucky girls that won a radio station game and got to meet the band. Jon was nice, as well as Spencer. Ryan was a little shy, and to my surprise so was Brendon. I remember distinctly that the other fans that were meeting the band somehow crowded around the rest of the guys, leaving Brendon and I alone. At first it was an innocent kiss, he asked for my number and I gave it to him.

It was no more than two days later and he gave me a call. He sounded nervous, his voice shifty. He whispered alot, and I just played along.

Two weeks later, and Brendon said that the tour was going on a one month break. Ryan apparently missed his girlfriend, and Jon was planning a wedding while Spencer had a family emergency. He told me he wanted to see me. Again with the whispering. I agreed, and he came by my apartment no less than a day later.

The moment he walked through the door he was a different man than the one I had talked to on the phone. Right when he walked in our lips crashed together, while our feet found my room, and our bodies found the bed.

After we finished the making "love" part he took me out to eat which was nice. He was a real gentleman. Then we came back to my place and repeated the whole process. I remember the words that crushed me that day, that made me feel..well, the way I feel now.

" Ally, I'm married." he said as we laid in bed. I just stared up at the ceiling holding onto a breath I never wanted to let go. It seemed so obvious now. The hurried phone calls, the whispered conversations. The time he hung up out of nowhere. Possibly his wife passing by.

" Then why are you here?" I asked saddened by the news. He sat up and pulled on his clothes.

" I-I don't know." a guilty look came on his face and he got dressed very quickly as I sat there and watched him. He turned to me after pulling on his shoes and getting his wallet.

" I'm sorry.." was all he could say.

" Will I ever see you again?" I asked. He shook his head, and with that he was gone.

Liar. Four days later he called, the same urgent town, the same whispered voice. He said he missed me, couldn't get me out of his head. Everytime he made love to his wife he thought of me. Things weren't clear, nothing seemed to matter, colors were full, the whole cherade. I just listened and tried to comfort him. Why wasn't I pushing him away? He was a married man and belonged to someone else.

Two weeks passed and the tour was taking place a state away from where I lived. They were going to be there three days. First day for the show, and the rest to relax. He called me..he wanted to see me.

He came with flowers..presents. Hugs, kisses, and sex. He hadn't been there more than five minutes and we were already under the sheets. He always said my name, never mentioned his wife while we did out thing. He always said he loved me, that he was going to leave his wife. That was right after we finished doing it.

Five minutes later, he'd get up and leave with out a kiss or a real goodbye. He'd call afterward, tell me this couldn't go on anymore. Each time it broke my heart, each time I cried my eyes out, each time I left another little scar to remind me of the times he said we were through.

But after the fifth cut, we were still on.

He was hear now..the tour was over and he told his wife that he had business to take care of here in L.A. Said he'd have to stay a week. I was pretty shocked when he showed up with luggage, saying he was staying here a week to be with me. I just let him in, giving him my heart all over again when just the other day he said we were through.

We spent most of our time in bed, the rest we were out on the town, him buying me any little thing I wanted. How could I refuse?

It was the fourth day he had been here, and he was already packed to leave. It hurt to see him putting away his tee-shirts and tooth brush. He told me he leaving yesterday, but he was still here.

We never really talked you know. It was mostly the sex, and I never complained. Not to him, not to anyone. I never begged him to leave his wife, never begged him to stay. It wasn't right, none of this was right.

" What time does your plane leave?" he looked over at me.

" Huh?" he asked absentmindly.

" What time does your plane leave Friday?" he sat up and rubbed his eyes with his hand. He looked around the room.

" Two-twenty five.." he said. I nodded my head and took another drawl of the cigarette. He looked at me disgusted.

" Why do you smoke?" I shrugged my shoulders.

" Why do you cheat on your wife?" his expression turned from sour to sad in a matter of seconds. " Some things can't be answered. But I'll tell you this," I let out another slow breath or smoke, " I didn't start till I met you." I was completely true. The first night we made "love" was the first time he broke my heart cause he left. I managed to go out and bye myself a pack, and was instantly addicted. He rolled his eyes.

" You should stop." he took the stick out of my mouth and put it out on the tray on the table next to the bed. A smile crossed my lips.

" Like you care.." he looked back at me.

" I do care Ally.." he said softly. Tears welled in my eyes, but I shook them away. He sighed, cast a sideways glance at me, got his cell and went into the other room. Probably to call his wife. He never told me her name. All of a sudden I really wanted to know..I needed to know. He came back into the room.

" What's her name Brendon?" I asked. He gave me a confused look. " Your wife's name." his cheeks turned red, and he pulled on hi pants, leaving his chest exposed.

" Jeanne." he said softly.

" Pretty." I looked to the side and saw his wallet had found it's way to the other side of the room. I reached down and picked it up, and then flipped through the pictures.

Hmm, so Jeanne was..really pretty. Long brown hair, slightly wavy. Pretty green eyes, she was really fit. Flipped to another. Aww, how sweet, their wedding picture. Huge smiles were plastered onto their faces as they stared at the camera. Wow, no wonder Brendon hadn't left her. Flipped to another. So Ryan has a girlfriend too. Here they were camping it seems. Ryan kissing his girlfriend, while Jeanna had extended her arm to take a picture of the four of them. Flip to another picture. Ally's hands trembled. She almost dropped the wallet. There was Brendon holding a beautiful baby with jet black messy hair. Jeanne looked up at her child and husband fondly. Ally shakily flipped to another picture. Looks like the baby is a beautiful baby girl, here she's smiling up at the camera unable to hold her head up still.

" Damn..where's my wallet." muttered Brendon. He glanced over at me, then did a double take realizing I had his wallet. He lunged foward and took it out of my hands. He stuffed it quickly into his pants. He muttered something and walked out of the room. I pulled on my underwear then my pjs and followed him.

He was in the kitchen drinking some water.

" Why didn't you tell me you had a daughter?" I said softly. He gave me a nasty look.

" It's none of your business." he said angrily. He pushed past me back into the room. I rested on the door frame. He picked up his bags and pushed past me again, he was breathing heavily. I could tell he was angry.

" You know...spending this week with you made me realize that you...you mean nothing to me. That...that all this has been...so...so stupid. I've had enough of-of the lieing, and I'm finally going home for good. I don't think anyone would want to spend this much time with you and want to stay. You're just a fat slut who gets her kicks by ruining a happy marriage. Don't you ever call me...and don't-don't you ever.." Brendon didn't finish his sentence, just walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

Millions of times it seemed that I had heard this speech. Millions of times had I fallen to the floor weeping for him to come back. It was all the same this time as I crawled onto her couch and barried my head in a pillow, screaming for him to come back.

All the pain he had caused..all the lies he had made...all the people he had decieved. He never let me in, he never let anyone in.

Two months passed, and no word from Brendon. I thought that it was finally over, that maybe I'd be able to heal and move on if I never saw his face again. Things had been going good, the crying had ceased and the pain had lessened. I was able to go out and have fun with my friends as usual.

One week I threw a party for my friend Clare in my apartment. People kept filling through the door, so when the bell rang again, I was not surprised. But when I opened it, I was far beyond surprised.

One minute to stare, five to get to my room, three to get undressed, ten to make love, two to get dressed, and five seconds for my heart to break all over again.

Why did I open the door? Why did I let him walk into my life all over again? Why did I let him break me into pieces? Because I wanted him to want me, needed him to need me.
I loved him, more than I loved myself.
He was my air, my oxygen. The only thing that kept me alive, and each time he left, he killed me just a little more inside.