FicWad

No long authors note other then to say...give it a try no one is really the enemy in this fic. everyone does something to hurt one another, love is still shared in its own way. Its about the careless way we can treat the ones we love and take family for granted. Lovers who long for something more. wives who expected better. children caught in the middle. The ones who seek happiness dont always have a map and the road is long and dusty with many turns to throw you off.

Dissolving
chapter one: Happy Birthday to Me
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Things always start with the best of intentions we don't mean to hurt the people we love but we can't seem to stop ourselves from following foolish desires no matter who we hurt. Little things like one more piece of pie at midnight, to the truly horrible like cheating on your wife for the last ten years.

I guess I can't call it a truly horrible thing...killing your dog is a truly horrible thing, or losing a child to disease. Compared to that, what is a little unfaithfulness?

Sakura was sure that on the day he married her Sasuke had never intended to be unfaithful to her. He really might have wanted to be a good husband. She couldn't blame him for that, after all what did she have to keep his attention?

Sakura was twenty eight soon to be approaching the grand old age of twenty nine, that's right she had been married at barely eighteen and had her first child, a son, at the age of nineteen. The years had gone by so quickly Sakura barely remember them other then days of work or housecleaning, occasional birthday parties or festivals.

She had learned about his affair when she was three weeks pregnant, and you could say then that it wasn't too late but Sakura had convinced herself that Sasuke strayed because she was getting fat and petulant and promised herself that she would do better. She trained harder and acted sweeter, she never complained even when she knows now that she should have. It was then that the pattern for their life now had been set, Sasuke would stay out late and not come home till the early hours....and Sakura didn't complain, She even knew of times he would come back from missions but not come home for two days telling her he was "delayed"....and she still didn't complain. She worked all day cleaned and cooked and soon enough with an infant, the baby cried but Sasuke was gone.....she never complained. She knew very well what he was doing and who he was doing it with, he made every effort to keep it from her but despite her reactions she was a smart girl.

It all came back to intentions, Sasuke intended to be a good father but passions got in the way. Sakura realized now that she didn't help matter, she had grown so heart sick after the birth of her child and Sasuke's apparent dissatisfaction that she had made it harder and harder for Sasuke to bond with her or his son, to the point where they had nothing in common at all.

She spent her days setting broken arms, Taping bruised ribs, only to come home and wax floors, change diapers, cook supper, and then return to an empty bed and prepare herself for the next day of the same. Sasuke would be there in the morning but no words would be exchanged between them, she would cook breakfast and go about her day. When the baby cried Sakura held him. When he needed to be changed in the middle of the night Sakura did it without question or complaint being sure not to disturb Sasuke with such mundane things. Sakura could see now that that was why her husband and son shared no love for one another, they were two men who stared at each other from across the river and made no attempts to build a bridge.

Three years later Sakura was pregnant again; there had been no loving and tender words they both knew they were well past that. They spoke only of Ovulation and restrictions, dieting and exercise. Copulations were quick and business like with no tender touches, no lingering kisses. Sakura brought another son into the world and wept.

Six years later dinner time was spent with Sakura standing at the stove or the kitchen sink with her head cast down. Her bare toes would curl against the hard wood floors as she slowly wiped one dish after another, the silence of the kitchen broken only by the soft clatter of dishes and an utter lack of conversation. Their sons had nothing to say to their father, and Sasuke had nothing to say to them. Sakura could hardly stand to look at Sasuke any longer. She had grown older, her body mature after having two children, yet he always stayed the same, carelessly windblown, full of quiet contemplation and broody cynicism. His youth-full looks and dark manner mocked her in a way that set her teeth on edge.

Sakura contemplated the dirty pan as she dunked it beneath the suds; she let her hands linger in the warm water and stared out the window into the back yard where the sheets blew in the wind. Her birthday was soon, she might go out...she might find a lover. It would hurt him, she knew, if she found a lover. But as much as she told herself she would she could never do it. As much as he hurt her, she married him because she loved him and she could never see herself being unfaithful to him. She knew now that she said nothing about his affair because...she wanted Sasuke to be happy, and being with his lover made him happier then she ever could. Sakura swirled her hand in the water and stared at the ring that sat on the windowsill, the small diamond was dark and unlovely; the band turned her finger green.

It was a thoughtless ring given by a thoughtless man.

She wanted to throw it away, chuck it into the nearest body of water or flush it down the sink. Say she lost it and that it needed to be replaced, but if she did that it never would be. She would go the rest of her marriage ringless and would have to bear the constant criticism for being thoughtless and ungrateful.

In the beginning Sakura had lived for Sasuke, she had cooked her best meals and cleaned till her fingers were raw and chapped...all for Sasuke. She would weep at night for want of him and hide her feelings and hurt to spare him. Now she lived for her children, she had two sons who needed all her love, Sasuke's sons. She still cooked and cleaned but now she tied shoes and colored, she decorated birthday cakes and sat down every Friday night and watched movies with popcorn. Her eldest son did well in school, he trained hard every day, and he excelled in everything he did just as an Uchiha should. Her younger son was open and energetic, he was everything Sasuke wasn't and everything Sakura used to be, he fought and threw tantrums embarrassing Sasuke to no end. Sakura resented the fact that Sasuke blamed her because their youngest was just like her, his look always said "Why won't your son behave? If you were a good mother....."

Sakura new he wouldn't say that, she even had some idea that he didn't think that, but she couldn't convince herself completely. She but she refused to urge him to be quieter, to be anything other then who he was.

Sakura would pass through the corridors of work in a haze; she waved at the right people and smiled at friends. Her reports were done on time and her missions completed with efficiency and a complete lack of anything remarkable. She wasn't flashy she just worked hard; a job well done is praise enough isn't it?

Motherhood had that effect, instead of creating new jutsu and going after S-class criminals, you stayed home and made cookies and scrubbed toilets. Sure there were temporary homes and care centers, her mother was always happy to accept the children. But Sasuke had wanted a mother who would be there and Sakura couldn't disagree with him, she loved her children she didn't want to miss any part of their life.

So she set aside A-rank missions and life threatening peril instead content to be a sometime paper pusher and medic. A respectable gate guard, and special teacher at the academy, none of it was very hard, just tedious.


Sakura ran the pan under the clean water and set it on the drying rack. She felt Sasuke come up behind her and breathed in deep as she washed in his scent, some mixture of freshly mown grass and a deep musk almost like incense. But the almost contact was gone all too soon as without comment he set his plate in front of her and walked from the room. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at Teichi and his younger brother Seiso as they finished and got up to hand her their plates as well, she kissed their foreheads and made sure kunai holsters were strapped on tight and pockets were clean of any unwholesome substances that boys seemed to pick up, before wishing them a good day as one went off to play and another left to train.


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Two days later Sakura found herself sitting at the local sake stand, she had a fresh bottle of sake before her and she sucked on a daikon radish with relish. She was just drunk enough to be really hungry and she savored the mix of the warm sake and the radish. She tipped her head back and let the warm alcohol burn and sooth the back of her throat, she sighed as she placed the small cup back on the table with a slight tap. Her fingers traced the grains of the wood counter as she leaned her face on her fist swirling her finger in a random sake spill, rubbing it into the well worn wood.

She looked around at the other customers but it was a surprisingly slow night for a weekend, only an older man in the corner was drinking, his face hidden in the shadows. She contemplated going over to her mothers house and getting the children, but her mother had made sure in no uncertain terms that she was to go out tonight and celebrate her birthday in style, which means sans children. Sakura imagined that her mother also hoped that she would find a lover, she had constantly shown her disapproval for Sakura's marriage and her feelings toward Sasuke had gotten to the point where he refused to go see her, opting to go into his study or leave when she was at the house. She had to beg Sasuke to come out last year for Christmas dinner after he and her mother had gotten into a fight over decorations of all things. Sasuke didn't believe in Christmas but Sakura did it for her sons who enjoyed the presents and festivities, it was hard enough getting him to participate, she had almost wanted to ask her mother to leave. In the end he had left early anyways and she and her mother had argued as they cleaned, they hadn't talked to each other for weeks after that.

She was startled as a hand came down on her shoulder and a blond pony tail swished past her face as Ino leaned over and grabbed her sake bottle downing the last of the contents in two gulps. She flashed her a Victory sign and smiled a big cheesy smile at her.

"Yo! Happy birthday!" Ino looked like she had already started the evening but Sakura smiled in relief as her friend sat down beside her.

"Yo yourself. Where is Choji tonight?" She asked after Ino's husband.

"Out on a mission, wrangled my dad into watching the girls so I could get out tonight." Ino had spent the last three and a half years either pregnant or breast feeding, lately she had been doing a lot of partying to make up for that. Sakura had never been much of a big partier so it hadn't been something she had missed that much, She knew Sasuke went out sometimes but they rarely went out together.

Yesterday Sasuke had casually mentioned that he would be leaving on a training trip for a couple days, Sakura knew this to mean the he and his lover wanted to be alone together where they didn't have to feel restricted. Maybe they went to other towns and pretended to be together, where they could hold hands and laugh and kiss out loud without fear of repercussions. It didn't really matter; there wasn't anyone who didn't know about their relationship, Sakura herself had been approached several times by well meaning friends or vicious enemies intent on ruining her happiness. She knew who his lover was...it was no surprise to her, but Sakura was intent on showing the face of a woman ignorant, she would rather they pity her behind her back then to her face. Of course if she acknowledged it then everything would be over and she would have to end it. They might pretend to go on being married and Sasuke would leave his lover and be miserable and blame her. Or the marriage might end all together if Sasuke decided his love was more important...something he could not give up.

She smiled winsomely at her friend as Ino stole the last radish off her dish, shoving the whole thing in her mouth her cheeks bulging. She then threw her arm over Sakura's shoulders and sighed in exhaustion after forcing the big piece down.

"Now do you see why people say you have a big mouth?" Sakura laughed at her and poked her in the side enjoying the smell of Ino's perfume.

"Hey there is a bar a couple streets over I've been wanting to check out, hear there are some pretty hot jounin who like to hang there." she winked lasciviously at Sakura which made her giggle, She liked to flirt but Ino was completely devoted to Choji.

Sakura settled her bill, somewhat put out that Ino didn't offer, it being her birthday and all and the fact that Ino had chugged at least half of that last bottle. She stood up and swayed only slightly as she let Ino turn her into the direction of the bar. Why not? Wasn't it better to party with friends?

They passed shops with bright lanterns and neon signs. They skirted around dark alleys and stopped to admire merchandise displayed in the window pointing out things they would never buy, jewelry their husbands would never think to give them. They sighed and moved on coming up to the bar with the second story that hung out slightly over the street. It had until recently been a tea house that had closed down after being open for twenty years, Sakura had rarely gone there, put off by the smell of musty wall paper and corners filled with mold and piles of dust and cat hair.

The walked up to the door greeted by a bouncer sitting on a stool just under the awning, they smiled and waved flashing their badges just under his face. Sakura looked around with interest impressed by the new place; it had been decorated like an English pub which was very rare in town. It was novel idea and it had drawn crowds of ninja and civilians alike ready to try the English drinks and liquors. She had been asked here several times by men hoping to take advantage of her situation. She hadn't wanted to come here under those circumstances any more then she wanted to come alone.

She turned and walked into the bar completely but jumped back when a loud roar greeted her.

"Happy Birthday!!" Every one for three booths stood up a yelled happy birthday as she walked through the door. Sakura felt tears pushing at the back of her eyes as she was pulled into the room and into one bear hug after another, she felt a plastic tiara placed in her hair and she smiled and laughed as everyone came forward to congratulate her.

Sakura looked for Ino who stuck her tongue out at her in response to her playful glare at Ino's subterfuge. She was pushed into a chair at the head of one table where drinks were pushed into her hand; she gladly accepted cards from co-workers from the hospital and the administration offices, and gifts from old and newer friends. Soon Sakura had a fairly large pile in front of her filled with clashing bows and bright colors, Sakura gulped down her drink and was pleased when another one was immediately provided, she laughed as old jokes were told again and again. The time she fainted in the middle of training and fell on Kakashi reading below the tree she had been in, when she and Sai had first seen Kakashi sensei without his mask on and how they had both burst into laughter embarrassing poor Kakashi sensei.

She somehow found herself in Sai's lap later that night as everyone encouraged her to open her presents, Sai shoved his gift into her hands as Ino took pictures of the whole thing. She laughed when she opened it to find a set of trick kunai that would puff out of existence as soon as they hit something. Not that she would actually be mean enough to use them but it was still funny, the boys might like them. But Sakura was surprised when the bottom of the box held a simple silver necklace with a small Kanji for friendship that swung from it.

It was rare for Sakura to get jewelry and she squealed happily as she put on the simple yet elegant necklace, it was well made and it suited her. Sai wasn't always good with people but sometimes he hit things right on the head. She hugged him in thanks causing him to choke and smack her on the back for air, everyone laughed as he pretended to wheeze and pant afterwards.

Sakura worked on her pile of gifts thanking the givers gratefully for each one, quite a few of them were kunai or some form of equipment which seemed to be one of the few things you could give a ninja without going wrong.

As the night wore on Sakura carefully covered her yawns with her hand not wanting to seem ungrateful, she leaned her head heavily on Ino's shoulder and stared at the dancers still on the dance floor, as Ino had an animated conversation with Kiba. Couples gyrated awkwardly together unfamiliar with the foreign music but more then willing to give it a drunken try, swaying back and forth giving every indication that they were a heart beat away from tearing each others clothes off and having sex right there. Sakura felt her face flame at that mental imagery and she looked away embarrassed for them and herself. She just couldn't be comfortable with that sort of thing...she would never dance like that, she couldn't just the idea of it made her duck her head and stare at the table littered with wrapping paper and dirty drink glasses.

Sai nudged her side and leaned over to ask her a question she couldn't hear over the music, Sakura just smiled in response vacantly hoping it was the right response. He mouthed something at her laughing. Sakura blinked drunkenly at him and tilted her head to the side once more putting her face on her fist, Sai laughed though when her elbow slipped in a puddle of...something and she had to catch herself to keep from sliding off the bench.

At that point Sakura decided to call it a night, standing and collecting her gifts into two of the bags with the help of Ino and Kiba, she laughed at the groans and protests of the partiers as she stumbled over legs in an effort to get towards the door. She waved away the offers to walk her home and started out, throwing the bags over her shoulder leaning precariously to one side until she found her balance. She grinned at the hoots and cat calls behind her and stepped out into the night stopping too look up at the stars and get her bearings. Most of the lamps and signs had been turned off now and she walked home through mostly dark alleys and side streets.

She finally came to their isolated little street, the houses walled from each other into tranquil little gardens shaded by ancient trees. She stopped at the gate to their house where she stared at the blank and empty windows, a façade at best to hide the pain of a troubled marriage. She leaned her head against the cool concrete her cheeks over heating from liquor and the unusually sultry night, she reached around and unlatched the gate stepping through. She avoided the gravel path, instead walking through the grass, she stopped beneath the old cherry tree staring at the stars through its branches heavy with flowers, the bark making rough imprints on the skin of her palms.

She came back out of her trance when one of her bags slipped from her fingers spilling its contents on the lawn, she reached down and gathered her things, bundling them back into the bag that was now ripped in one corner. She juggled it in her arms and reaching pulled her key out of her pocket stepping through the door not bothering to greet an empty house. She kicked off her shoes caring little for where they landed and dropped her things in a chair by the door, she moved towards the kitchen pulling her hair free of the band that she had used to pull it back all night she massaged her sore scalp and breathed a sigh of relief. She stopped though when she felt another presence in the house, she wasn't worried just confused he had said he would be gone so she was bothered that Sasuke was back so soon.

She shuffled carefully towards the parlor and stopped on the threshold staring in blank surprise as Sasuke sat in the chair by the window his face cradled in his hands. The room was completely dark the only light coming from the windows behind him throwing his profile in relief. Sakura watched as his face lifted towards her and he stared straight back at her his eyes inexplicably sad, she didn't move from the door way and she contemplated just leaving him alone to whatever was tormenting him so strongly tonight ....maybe he had been dumped? She would be damned if she would console him.

She looked away hoping for some form of escape to jump out at her, a mess to clean up or anything that she could leave him to go do. She could think of nothing and she rested her head against the door jamb and she could hear the quiet rustle of his clothes as he stood up.

"I came home tonight.....and none of you were here. The lights weren't on and the kids weren't in bed......I thought," he paused and Sakura could hear some undefined emotion in his voice, undefined being that she had never heard it coming from Sasuke before and never thought to.

She couldn't stop herself from asking.

"You thought what?"

"That you were gone." She heard him shift putting his weight on one foot, a floor board creaked beneath him.

She decided to change the subject she didn't want to talk about being....gone.

"I thought you were going to be training for a couple days." She brought it back around to him, an easy way to end most unwanted conversations with him. It's funny, they hardly ever talked yet she was so eager to end anything they might have to say to one another. Maybe if they talked too much, he might talk about the other one, or talk about divorce, or talk about any number of things she had no inclination to talk about.

"Where were you?" he was going to be stubborn...damn it.

"I was out with Ino." She decided to keep it simple, if she told him it was her birthday party he would just feel bad and it was really her fault that he didn't care enough about her to remember....


"Oh....where are the boys?"

"With my mother she offered to keep them and then send them to school in the morning." He wouldn't be too happy about that.

She heard him sigh as he walked over to the mantle, he stared at the framed photos that had been taken over vacations and birthdays and special days and moments. He reached up and traced a frame with his finger a slight smile ghosting over his lips.

"I had a lot of time to think while I was sitting here tonight." He turned to her but she looked away, she didn't want to know what he had been thinking about.

He walked towards her and leaned over her he put his face on the wall next to her and captured her eyes with his. He lifted his hand and ghosted his fingers along her cheek gently tugging on a strand of pink hair. He leaned forward and Sakura could see what he intended she turned her face away, just as he leaned in to kiss her, avoiding his lips.

"Why don't you ever want to kiss me?" He laughed bitterly and leaned back resting his back on the wall.

"We made a deal Sasuke-"

"I remember the fucking deal! I just don't know why!" he nearly yelled at her his voice becoming intense as he lashed out at her. Sakura hunched into her shoulder and avoided looking at him as she bit her lip in nervousness. She wanted to go to bed, she wanted him to leave, go be with his lover, and leave her alone.

"I've been sitting here all night staring at all these pictures! I come in and I'm ignored, I leave and all of you are glad that I'm gone. You three have your movie nights and your play dates, you go on vacations that im not invited." He wound down and his voice got soft as all the steam seemed to leave him.

"I always invited you Sasuke...you're just busy, or you had...other...things," 'people' she thought to herself, "to do."

He turned away from her burned by the honesty of her remark. He glanced down at himself to look at a frame he had been clutching in his hand. He laughed ironically as he saw a picture of Sakura and his sons laughing into the camera on some sunny beach, their faces red from the sun, sand littering the bathing suits.

"Why don't you want me to kiss you? Why did you make the deal with me?" he whispered his voice penetrating the stillness.

Sakura shook her head in negation but Sasuke's eyes pleaded with her for an answer. She just sighed and hugged the door frame tightly as if to ward off a chill. For something to hold onto to keep her from throwing herself at him and begging him for something anything she didn't know what it was but she knew he could give it to her if he just tried.

"I just don't like it that's all," She mumbled finally.

"You never seemed to dislike it before," he accused glaring at her.

"You're the only guy I've ever kissed, I tried it for a while and I just didn't like it," that was a lie she loved his kisses. There was even a time when she craved them and would do any stupid silly thing to get them. That's why she stopped. If he didn't love her she didn't want him to mock her with his kisses, it might be easy for him but they devastated her. All she could think about was the kisses he must share with his lover...those weekends alone in foreign towns, the nights he didn't come home. Did they twine together kissing for hours? Did they whisper their love for each other just before the sun came up and he had to trudge his way back to her? Did they fall asleep in each others arms thankful that she was a docile obedient wife who never questioned, who never interfered nor demanded his time?

She didn't like thinking about these things, but she was drunk and vulnerable and she couldn't seem to quit spinning them through like twine you wrap around your fingers over and over for nothing better to do.

"Fine!" He spat out, he turned around and headed out of the room, she flinched when she heard their bedroom door slam. She headed towards the kitchen and slumped into a chair resting her forehead on the table, when you're drunk its so much nicer to have things to lean on or hold up your suddenly heavy limbs. She rolled her head to the side and looked at the refrigerator, she got up and taking a spoon from the drawer she pulled out a small pint of ice cream and bottle of water, slamming the door shut she headed into the living room and flopped down on the couch digging her spoon into the already half eaten strawberry ice cream.

When she had finished it off and drank all the water she lay back on the couch staring at the blank TV, listening to the tick of a clock down the hallway. She briefly thought of going to bed but she had no interest in sliding into a cold bed with an angry Sasuke, she pulled a blanket out the hall closet and curled up into a ball on the couch finally allowing herself to pass out.


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Sasuke stood staring down as his wife as she slept on the couch her mouth hanging open slightly her breath coming in small pants the ruffled a small strand of pink hair. She slept like that in bed too, curled up as far away from him as possible with her back always turned toward him. It made him feel like a bastard if he touched her, which he supposed was the point. He knew Sakura had never really enjoyed having sex with him, in the beginning it had been something she had eagerly tried but back then he had been careless and callow, not caring if he pleased her, wanting to finish quickly and pursue other things that had back then seemed far more important.

He could look back on it now but all he could do was regret, after Teichi was born Sakura had turned away from him, becoming obsessed with the baby, she had completely ignored him and everything else. After several yeas he had wanted another child, and he had wanted something normal between them. When Sasuke had asked for another child Sakura had had strictures, she now knew she had a hold over him and she had used it. He had been shocked when Sakura had asked that he stop kissing her, but he had complied because kissing had never really been that important to him. Now he regretted it, because he realized that that was when she stopped loving him.

His wife couldn't stand the thought of him kissing her. She didn't want him to touch her and would do anything to avoid having a conversation with him. If she didn't love him why did she stay?

Sasuke had no doubts that the minute she left him Sakura would find someone new, she had always been cute when she was a girl, but now that she was a mature woman she was lovely in a way that little girls can never achieve. Women like Sakura drew the eyes of men as they walked into rooms with their cool confidence and glowing smiles. He watched now as men gazed longingly at his wife, enthralled by her aura, tantalized by the idea of enticing a married woman into bed. He could see it when they stared at her, he would walk behind her and watch the men who noticed her, and the hard part was that Sakura didn't seem to see it, she ignored it like it wasn't even there.

If she was so damn unhappy then why did she stay? Wouldn't her life be better if she just left? He didn't want her to leave, he wanted her to stay and be happy with him. He remembered the argument that had brought him home so early tonight. The argument that had caused Naruto to slam out of their hotel room in tears. Everything felt now like it was falling apart, things had been just right for so long. Now everything that was right before was now wrong and he didn't know how to fix it.

Sasuke loved Naruto but he had to change things, he couldn't live with his wife not wanting him to touch her, hating the thought of him kissing her. All this time he had thought about the importance of family but when it came down to having one he had shied away from it, leaving all the small important details up to Sakura, trusting her to get it all right.

His sons barely knew him and merely tolerated his presence, they were fiercely devoted to their mother and he had some idea that his oldest son knew about his relationship with Naruto. They complained when he offered to train them, they never asked for him or just wanted to talk to him. They spent all their time with their mother and resented any of that time he stole away from them.

It was amazing the things children can pick up when you thought you were doing such a good job at hiding them, you think they play and train and concern themselves with their own lives but in all reality they watch every move you make and repeat everything you say.

Sasuke went back to bed.