FicWad

-The Hardest Part Of This Is Leaving You-


I woke to the sound of my name being called by the doctor. "Mr. Way, may I have a word with you?"

I made a poor, shameful effort to open my tired eyes. Every last bit of me longed for this to be a dream, a delusion, or plainly something other than the realism of what in reality was happening. The same issue I find myself to blame for, when in all actuality I couldn't prevent or predict any part of it.

I was truly and royally a fucking mess. After hours of staring at the same hideous wallpaper, breathing in the stingy scent of latex gloves and heavy cleaning supplies. I was starting to lose fucking my mind, or what ever was left of it.

One of the worst parts for me was forcing my fake, assuring smile to all the families that walked pass, hoping I could convince them everything would be alright, when honestly all I wanted was someone, anyone... to tell me the same.

I finally pried my sore eyes to the meet the doctor's. His face was a blank expression, purely unreadable. This made me begin to worry even more so. I rested my hand on one of the chair's arms to support myself up to standing position. I cleared my throat, making sure I was prepared for whatever he was about to say. "Sure." I answered, my mouth dry.

The doctor gripped tightly onto his clipboard, his knuckles turning white. He sighed sadly and gave me a sympathetic look. "We tried everything, I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can possibly do now."

I swallowed hard, completely awake at this point. "Are you sure?" I asked, almost whispering.

He nodded slowly. "Yes, again I'm very sorry, sir."

I shook my head, not wanting to believe what I was hearing. "H-how much longer." I questioned.

"It's unpredictable at the moment, I'm guessing hours, maybe a day or so."

I looked down towards the floor, and closed my eyes tightly.

"Right now," The doctor began, "You should probably take this time to say you're final goodbyes."

I looked up at him and accepted, "Oh, alright. Thanks."

He nodded. "Her room is the last one down the hall on the right."

I thanked him once again and left the small unwarming waiting room. The atmosphere was quiet. Quiet enough that I could hear every breath I took. The sound of my slow footsteps echoed off the white walls. Thoughts bounced through my head making my headache worsen.

I reached for the doorknob of her room and opened quietly, hoping not to wake her.

She was pale. So pale that it left a feeling of sickness in the pit of my stomach. Her beautiful blonde flowing hair rested at her shoulders, her face looking away from me. I glanced at all the wires attached to her, she laid there...helpless. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. I took a seat next to her. She moved a little and turned to face me.

She smiled, "Gerard...hey." It was like nothing was wrong, a regular conversation.

I nodded slowly and returned the hello. She reached over the bed railing for my hand. I accepted and I gave her small hand a tight squeeze.

"Did I wake you?" I asked, trying to remain calm.

She shook her head and laughed, "No, I can't sleep anyway."

I tried to find the right words to say. But, what do you say to the person you love most? There's too much, and a little is just not enough.

She smiled at me once again. I wanted to scream, "Stop it! Stop pretending nothing's wrong!" I tried to find the courage to hold it in but, I just couldn't. The tears escaped slowly at first, making my eyes burn.

She looked at me concerned and shook her head, "Gerard, no... don't, please."

I sighed and bit my bottom lip, "I don't know what to do anymore." I told her honestly.

She half laughed as if it was nothing, "You have the band, and they are more than you'll ever need."

"No," I shook my head, the tears pouring uncontrollably now, "I'll still need you..."

"Gerard , there's someone out there for you, I know it." She began, looking at me with her beautiful blue eyes, I watched her closely, "I'm sorry I can't be that person...for me, you were that person, and I thank you... for making my life everything I wished it would be."

I leaned over the railing and gently pressed my lips onto hers. They felt so cold, so lifeless. I embraced, and remembered her touch, knowing that this was the last time.

I pulled away slowly and began to caress her cheek lightly. A silent tear rolled down it. I pressed my thumb gently on her skin and wiped it away.

"And thank you for always being there for me... Even when everyone doubted me. I always had you."

She smiled and nodded. "Just remember who you are, don't let any tell you otherwise."

"I won't. Never."

"And Gerard...?"

I nodded and answered, "Yeah..?"

"Anytime you need someone...I am always here." She pressed her free hand to my heart, "I will never ever leave you. Just think of me."

"I will, I promise." I whispered gripping her hand even tighter, afraid of her leaving me.

"You don't have to promise me that... just promise one thing..." She stopped.

I nodded. "Anything."

"Promise me, that no matter what happens after this, when I'm gone, that you'll find someone who loves you as much as I truly do, and who you can spend you're whole life with...who will never leave you. All I want is for you to be happy, Gerard..."

I took a deep breath and agreed, even though I knew it'd be impossible to ever love again, "Okay, I promise."

"I love you, Gerard Way." And at that very moment she closed her eyes slowly, her hand now lifeless in mine. "No..." I whispered pleading, "I'm not ready for you to leave me yet."

The tears faster than ever, blurring my vision of this nightmare. "No, no. Please...I fucking love you!

I heard the sounds of running footsteps and yelling. "I'm sorry.. please move, Sir." They said in rushed, nervous voices.

I got up slowly, doing what I was told and drifted backwards, watching them take her away from me. I looked through the door window at her motionless body. I slid down the wall, crying hard. As people walked pass they gave worried looks of sympathy. They never stopped to ask why though; they didn't even know how I felt.

I soon began to envy them, for having someone to love. Even if she was always with me it wasn't the same, it still felt like a memory. There would always be a place missing deep inside me, in my heart...the place where she belonged.

END