FicWad

"So this is what it feels like to really miss someone." I mutter. Rearranging the bouquet of flowers so that they seemed to be more alive. It seemed that as soon as you bought something into a graveyard the life was zapped right out of it. "You used to love it in here." I carry on, addressing the grey stone. "Sometimes I thought you loved walking amongst the dead more than you loved me. Maybe you did." I add. I can feel the first tears beginning to burn the back of my eyeballs but I hold them off, at least for now, and try to push down the growing feeling of self pity.
"You never told me that story about why you loved graveyards so much. I guess now I'll never know." His death had left behind so many loose ends. I hated loose ends. He knew I hate loose ends. Why did he have to go?
The first tears fall now. Due to my kneeling position and the fact that my head was bowed my tears fall straight onto the fresh grass that had bee rolled over the grave. It wasn't the first time I'd cried. God no. There'd been a lot of tears. After the denial had passed I hadn't been able to look at his various shoes scattered around the house without turning into a wreck. I wasn't much better now...
"Why did you do it Frank? Why didn't you talk to me? I could have helped you. I could have made it Ok." I'm really sobbing now. I'm glad somewhere in the back of my head that the graveyard is completely deserted this afternoon. "I can't do this without you." I say, my hand subconsciously going up towards my left breast where we'd found a lump just days before you went. I was still waiting for the test results. "I need you here with me you selfish b*stard!" I press my eyes into the heals of my hands, waiting for the wave of anguish and anger to ride out.
"We got you a nice plot. It's got a great view. You would have liked it here." A gust of wind sweeps around me and I pull my jacket around me tighter. "See the thing is Frank. I have nothing now you're gone. Al those friends were yours and my family... well you know how that stands. All I have is this little stone with your name on and to be blunt it's not enough. I'm not strong enough without you. I can't do this without you." I say again and in that minute I knew I've made up my mind.
I reach for my bag that I know will be lying where I dropped it on arrival. I reach inside and take out the two tubs. One containing sleeping pills, the other anti-depressants. "I've been on them since you took yourself from me." I explain to the stone. I reach out and trace the still fresh engravings, almost like I would trace his jaw line as we lay in bed together, just being together.
"I'm sorry." I whisper then swallow every last pill. I read Frank's gravestone and hope someone will come to my funeral. That someone will keep my grave nice, with roses and lilies.
I lay down. Already feeling a dizziness that I'd come to associate with taking a few too many sleeping pills. This time I wouldn't back out. "I love you." I whisper, even quieter than before, "I'll see you soon."
I close my eyes. Wishing myself away.