Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > An Unexpected Birthday Present
A (Not So) Goodbye
0 reviewsA fan's golden birthday turns out to be more than she ever imagined when she attends a concert for Panic! At the Disco.
0Unrated
Amanda's POV
It was too weird. Too surreal. Whenever I had dreamt of anything close to what had happened to me that day, my alarm clock came expectedly ringing to my unknowing ears as I slept soundly in my bed. So naturally, as I was walking with tears in my eyes and Ryan's arms around me, I was completely on my own without my own dreams to guide me through it. But ironically, I hadn't even thought about my dreams up until that point. Perhaps they had been hidden my in subconscious or maybe I didn't even need them at all, but I knew that every night until I would see him again, I'd be dreaming of our next hopeful meeting.
My arms clung around him as we approached the doors. By then, my tears were dry and my face was rid of any evidence of them, save for the eyes that had surrendered to a slight shade of pink. I closed them and held my breath when I felt the absence of his arm on my torso, obviously to open the solitary door that lead to the outside world. The gloom came upon me at an overwhelming rate when he stopped walking and I saw the dark night sky for the first time since I had entered the hostile building.
Finally, as I turned to face him, burying my head into his chest with my back to the tour bus, I felt the tears welling up again. Twice in one night. Had it not been over someone like Ryan Ross, I would have beaten the hell out of my pillow for putting my emotions on display inadvertently like I was doing. And I hardly cried at anything at all in the first place. The sudden feeling of safety and comfort came back to me all too quickly as Ryan wrapped his arms around me. In that moment, the rest of my world melted away. I didn't see, hear, smell, or touch anything that did not belong to my newest friend. I was willing to give up anything to stay in that moment forever.
"Take me with you." I had raised my white flag right in front of him, again pleading with my eyes when I looked up at him. We both knew it was nonsense. At that thought, a single tear fell.
"If only I could..." I detected the sadness in his voice, even if it was an incredibly small amount. He gently leaned forward so that his forehead made contact with mine. There again was his breath hitting my face, my nose alert to the minty freshness that I had offered him earlier. That was when I was ready to make my highlight of the evening and kiss him one last time. I would have done it, too, had not a loud noise that was similar to a horn of a vehicle been sent so spontaneously to my ears. Ryan evidently knew what it was, for he lifted his head and sent a dark glare straight ahead of him. But I hardly noticed. Instead, I put my head down into his chest a second time and nuzzled against him like a giant teddy bear.
A giant, guitar playing, lyric writing, totally inspiring teddy bear.
One that I never wanted to give up.
I felt the sensation of his breath against my ear before more words flowed into it. "It's not really goodbye..." Amazing. That was the only way to describe how calm and serene he could make me feel with only a few simple words. "When we're standing together like this again, it'll seem as if no time at all has passed, and we haven't even been apart." Whatever courage I had, I gathered it all up as I stared into his eyes searching for the right words, if any, to say. "And I'll call you every day." He put his lips to my forehead and loosened his arms. From then on, I knew that the closeness would only lessen.
"Promise?" There was no need to question his sincere words, but nothing was certain unless there was some form of a pact.
"Promise." As his arms slid away from me, I swallowed down the burning feeling in my throat, and instead clasped onto his hand with my own. That entire movement automatically brought us close again, but I wouldn't let him go before I brought my face close to his and pressed our lips together in a final attempt to say goodbye.
And I did.
That kiss on its own made it okay for me to watch him reluctantly climb up the steps onto the bus and stare at me one last time. I brought my hand up and waved it at him gently. The doors closed, and I wouldn't let the moving vehicle leave my sight until it was completely impossible.
The very last thing I could have possibly recollected about the night was seeing Ryan in the rear window, staring out at me with a content smile - like no matter what, everything was going to be alright.
The thought that I was standing alone in front of a building in Chicago without a friend in sight hadn't once crossed my mind. I was just so happy that for once, thing had gone my way. I had just experienced a birthday more spectacular than I could have dreamt in a million year. That somehow led me to bring my wristwatch up so I could read it.
11:43. I was finally 17 and happy with my life.
"Happiest birthday, Amanda."
Ryan's POV
My eyes darted back and forth so much that I got light-headed.
Spencer
Amanda
Spencer
Amanda
Eventually I chose between the peer who looked like he was fed up with me and the girl who was holding onto me as if I was the only thing she had in the world. And it didn't take much thought to figure out which I wanted to gaze at in the same manner. I did want her to be the only thing in my world.
For a while, it was just hallway after hallway. I trudged in the footsteps of my friend, my feet practically dragging on the floor. Then it came into sight.
The door.
The path to our separation.
The gateway to Hell.
I reluctantly let go of her with one arm to keep the door open after Spencer had already exited. Both of us followed the drum-banging band member until we were just outside the tour bus. My feet were ready enough to take those steps onto my current mobile residence, but I knew that her arms would not let me go without a proper goodbye. With that thought, I was about to turn and face her, but she had beaten me to it, he back to the bus. I was glad she had once I saw Spencer sitting back in the driver's seat, watching the entire scene with a smile on his face. At the time, I couldn't have had more hate for that smile. Her words helped me forget it, though. That was when I remembered how I hadn't wanted anything else in my world. Just her.
I would take her with me. Through the teasing and such that was in for me on the road after this, I wanted her to be there, too. Maybe that way they would be more considerate. But then, I had yet to experience anything of the sort. So I spoke the honest truth into her ear, hoping to let her worry and her sadness subside. And I was sure that if she looked on the good side of what had happened that night, it would have outnumbered all of the good things without coming close. Not by a mile.
After I had spoken at first, I forgot about Spencer. He made himself stand out again, and when I looked up, I put two and two together, the scowl on my face fading away when he mouthed his apology for accidentally leaning onto the horn of the bus's wheel. I expected an explanation from him later.
More words were poured into her ear after she cuddled into me. At that, the soft smile remained on my face. I was going to miss it terribly.
Now, calling her every day, I couldn't guarantee, and I was skeptical to promise anything after I first said it. But being so close to her, our eyes locked together, it had such an impact on my thinking that I didn't want to think about it. I would put my best effort into making a call whenever I could, and promised it to her right out in the open. After I made the agreement, I let go of her, still reluctant, but it had to happen sometime. And the sooner the better. If I stood there long enough, I would never want to let her go.
One last pleasant surprise found its way onto my lips. They were hers. It wasn't going to help me cope with the fact that we would be apart, but at least it refreshed all of those sensations that I loved back into my head.
I was forced to let go of her again as I heard Spencer leave the driver's seat. My legs slowly lifted onto each step. Before it left, I turned around and looked at her. Goodbye wasn't right. It wasn't fitting. We would see each other again some day. It wouldn't be fair to say that to her. She waved, but I didn't wave back. The bus was already racing away. Away from her. Too fast. We had just been in that long goodbye, and now I was going. I panicked.
As fast as my feet would carry me, I sped to the back of the bus, ignoring the offers to play Guitar Hero 2 or questions about who I was with. I slowed as I approached the very back window, with her in my sight for one last time, shrinking in the distance. She looked so sad. That wasn't right either, but that I couldn't help. I could only try to make it better with one last smile. A small but assuring smile.
When she was out of sight, I still stared out the window in disbelief. Slowly, I turned around on my heel. I was imagining for Amanda to be there again, but instead it was the band mates. All three of them were staring me down.
"So, who was that?" Spencer asked, folding his arms over his middle, with a small, knowing smile.
"I'll tell you guys later. I'm gonna crash."
"Crash?!" Brendon said, his dark eyes wide.
"Yeah, that's what I said." And without another word, I walked past them and collapsed on my one size too small bed.
"Let's go," I heard Jon tell the other two. When they filed out of the room, I heard more noises coming from the distance, but tried to block them out. She was still on my mind and I wanted to keep it that way. So I turned off the lights and settled myself down under the blankets, closed my eyes, and breathed. Despite the disapproving reactions I was in for the next day, I didn't care. I didn't want to care.
No matter what they did, they couldn't keep me from dreaming.
And that's just what I did.
It was too weird. Too surreal. Whenever I had dreamt of anything close to what had happened to me that day, my alarm clock came expectedly ringing to my unknowing ears as I slept soundly in my bed. So naturally, as I was walking with tears in my eyes and Ryan's arms around me, I was completely on my own without my own dreams to guide me through it. But ironically, I hadn't even thought about my dreams up until that point. Perhaps they had been hidden my in subconscious or maybe I didn't even need them at all, but I knew that every night until I would see him again, I'd be dreaming of our next hopeful meeting.
My arms clung around him as we approached the doors. By then, my tears were dry and my face was rid of any evidence of them, save for the eyes that had surrendered to a slight shade of pink. I closed them and held my breath when I felt the absence of his arm on my torso, obviously to open the solitary door that lead to the outside world. The gloom came upon me at an overwhelming rate when he stopped walking and I saw the dark night sky for the first time since I had entered the hostile building.
Finally, as I turned to face him, burying my head into his chest with my back to the tour bus, I felt the tears welling up again. Twice in one night. Had it not been over someone like Ryan Ross, I would have beaten the hell out of my pillow for putting my emotions on display inadvertently like I was doing. And I hardly cried at anything at all in the first place. The sudden feeling of safety and comfort came back to me all too quickly as Ryan wrapped his arms around me. In that moment, the rest of my world melted away. I didn't see, hear, smell, or touch anything that did not belong to my newest friend. I was willing to give up anything to stay in that moment forever.
"Take me with you." I had raised my white flag right in front of him, again pleading with my eyes when I looked up at him. We both knew it was nonsense. At that thought, a single tear fell.
"If only I could..." I detected the sadness in his voice, even if it was an incredibly small amount. He gently leaned forward so that his forehead made contact with mine. There again was his breath hitting my face, my nose alert to the minty freshness that I had offered him earlier. That was when I was ready to make my highlight of the evening and kiss him one last time. I would have done it, too, had not a loud noise that was similar to a horn of a vehicle been sent so spontaneously to my ears. Ryan evidently knew what it was, for he lifted his head and sent a dark glare straight ahead of him. But I hardly noticed. Instead, I put my head down into his chest a second time and nuzzled against him like a giant teddy bear.
A giant, guitar playing, lyric writing, totally inspiring teddy bear.
One that I never wanted to give up.
I felt the sensation of his breath against my ear before more words flowed into it. "It's not really goodbye..." Amazing. That was the only way to describe how calm and serene he could make me feel with only a few simple words. "When we're standing together like this again, it'll seem as if no time at all has passed, and we haven't even been apart." Whatever courage I had, I gathered it all up as I stared into his eyes searching for the right words, if any, to say. "And I'll call you every day." He put his lips to my forehead and loosened his arms. From then on, I knew that the closeness would only lessen.
"Promise?" There was no need to question his sincere words, but nothing was certain unless there was some form of a pact.
"Promise." As his arms slid away from me, I swallowed down the burning feeling in my throat, and instead clasped onto his hand with my own. That entire movement automatically brought us close again, but I wouldn't let him go before I brought my face close to his and pressed our lips together in a final attempt to say goodbye.
And I did.
That kiss on its own made it okay for me to watch him reluctantly climb up the steps onto the bus and stare at me one last time. I brought my hand up and waved it at him gently. The doors closed, and I wouldn't let the moving vehicle leave my sight until it was completely impossible.
The very last thing I could have possibly recollected about the night was seeing Ryan in the rear window, staring out at me with a content smile - like no matter what, everything was going to be alright.
The thought that I was standing alone in front of a building in Chicago without a friend in sight hadn't once crossed my mind. I was just so happy that for once, thing had gone my way. I had just experienced a birthday more spectacular than I could have dreamt in a million year. That somehow led me to bring my wristwatch up so I could read it.
11:43. I was finally 17 and happy with my life.
"Happiest birthday, Amanda."
Ryan's POV
My eyes darted back and forth so much that I got light-headed.
Spencer
Amanda
Spencer
Amanda
Eventually I chose between the peer who looked like he was fed up with me and the girl who was holding onto me as if I was the only thing she had in the world. And it didn't take much thought to figure out which I wanted to gaze at in the same manner. I did want her to be the only thing in my world.
For a while, it was just hallway after hallway. I trudged in the footsteps of my friend, my feet practically dragging on the floor. Then it came into sight.
The door.
The path to our separation.
The gateway to Hell.
I reluctantly let go of her with one arm to keep the door open after Spencer had already exited. Both of us followed the drum-banging band member until we were just outside the tour bus. My feet were ready enough to take those steps onto my current mobile residence, but I knew that her arms would not let me go without a proper goodbye. With that thought, I was about to turn and face her, but she had beaten me to it, he back to the bus. I was glad she had once I saw Spencer sitting back in the driver's seat, watching the entire scene with a smile on his face. At the time, I couldn't have had more hate for that smile. Her words helped me forget it, though. That was when I remembered how I hadn't wanted anything else in my world. Just her.
I would take her with me. Through the teasing and such that was in for me on the road after this, I wanted her to be there, too. Maybe that way they would be more considerate. But then, I had yet to experience anything of the sort. So I spoke the honest truth into her ear, hoping to let her worry and her sadness subside. And I was sure that if she looked on the good side of what had happened that night, it would have outnumbered all of the good things without coming close. Not by a mile.
After I had spoken at first, I forgot about Spencer. He made himself stand out again, and when I looked up, I put two and two together, the scowl on my face fading away when he mouthed his apology for accidentally leaning onto the horn of the bus's wheel. I expected an explanation from him later.
More words were poured into her ear after she cuddled into me. At that, the soft smile remained on my face. I was going to miss it terribly.
Now, calling her every day, I couldn't guarantee, and I was skeptical to promise anything after I first said it. But being so close to her, our eyes locked together, it had such an impact on my thinking that I didn't want to think about it. I would put my best effort into making a call whenever I could, and promised it to her right out in the open. After I made the agreement, I let go of her, still reluctant, but it had to happen sometime. And the sooner the better. If I stood there long enough, I would never want to let her go.
One last pleasant surprise found its way onto my lips. They were hers. It wasn't going to help me cope with the fact that we would be apart, but at least it refreshed all of those sensations that I loved back into my head.
I was forced to let go of her again as I heard Spencer leave the driver's seat. My legs slowly lifted onto each step. Before it left, I turned around and looked at her. Goodbye wasn't right. It wasn't fitting. We would see each other again some day. It wouldn't be fair to say that to her. She waved, but I didn't wave back. The bus was already racing away. Away from her. Too fast. We had just been in that long goodbye, and now I was going. I panicked.
As fast as my feet would carry me, I sped to the back of the bus, ignoring the offers to play Guitar Hero 2 or questions about who I was with. I slowed as I approached the very back window, with her in my sight for one last time, shrinking in the distance. She looked so sad. That wasn't right either, but that I couldn't help. I could only try to make it better with one last smile. A small but assuring smile.
When she was out of sight, I still stared out the window in disbelief. Slowly, I turned around on my heel. I was imagining for Amanda to be there again, but instead it was the band mates. All three of them were staring me down.
"So, who was that?" Spencer asked, folding his arms over his middle, with a small, knowing smile.
"I'll tell you guys later. I'm gonna crash."
"Crash?!" Brendon said, his dark eyes wide.
"Yeah, that's what I said." And without another word, I walked past them and collapsed on my one size too small bed.
"Let's go," I heard Jon tell the other two. When they filed out of the room, I heard more noises coming from the distance, but tried to block them out. She was still on my mind and I wanted to keep it that way. So I turned off the lights and settled myself down under the blankets, closed my eyes, and breathed. Despite the disapproving reactions I was in for the next day, I didn't care. I didn't want to care.
No matter what they did, they couldn't keep me from dreaming.
And that's just what I did.
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