FicWad

(A/N: This is just a sneak peek, as I will be gone on a cruise for five days and won;t be able to update until I come back. Read, rate and review, please :))

Mikey's P.O.V.

I rocked back and forth on the corner of my hard, mildew-scented mattress trying to no avail to console myself. But who was I kidding; a guy like me didn't deserve consoling, did he? I killed Gerard, I was a murderer now and nothing could clear that thought from my mind. Looking down at my hands I wanted so badly to ignite and burn the flesh that hit the trigger of the revolver and make myself pay for the fate he didn't deserve. I loved him and even though I had a horrible and obnoxious way of showing it, I know, I felt so guilty that he ha no more chances at life. I can't make up for lost time as a brother if his clock has already run out.

I was so stupid, so very stupid. Ana only used me so she could get what Gerard wasn't ready to give her. Sex. I gave it to her whenever she asked, without any regard towards the feelings that my own flesh and blood would get from my actions. Selfish, I was so selfish too. He wanted to wait until the perfect time to have sex with her, and I took that away from him. I looked back down at my hands, seeing fresh scabs from the cuts last night peek out from under my shirt cuff. I pushed up my sleeve and began to pick at the scabs until they bled and stained the mattress yet again with drops of the red liquid.

I traced the lines from the razor along my forearm, that blood was shed for Gerard. It was my fault he lost his, so now I am giving mine up by my own free will for him. I wonder what he was thinking when he had that gun in his hands, if he hated me when he died. I couldn't live with myself if he did. I slid my hand under my mattress and retrieved the sharp, silver razor I kept hidden there. I rubbed the skin on my left arm gingerly before placing the blade on my flesh and-I heard the door knock. I didn't answer, nobody had been by here in at least two weeks and today someone decided to make sure I was still alive? When I didn't get up, I heard the knob jiggle as though a key were being put in it and then my creaky door swung open.

"Mikes? You in here?" I heard Ray call. I didn't say anything, instead backed up into my secluded corner again. I heard his footsteps as he turned the corner and into my room. Immediately shocked and disgusted by what he saw, he gasped and ran over to the bed and my side. "What happened to you? You look like you haven't eaten or taken a shower in a week. Or slept for that matter. You need to come with me, Mikey." He said and grabbed my wrist, covering his hand in my blood. If he noticed he didn't care enough to wipe it off, just dragged me outside and down to his car.

I sat there like dead weight, not sure what to say or do. I am not sure at all what he had in mind for me, but whatever it was, there was no stopping him now. For someone so nice, Ray was stubborn. Maybe that's a good combination if you think about it. He stepped into the driver's side seat and turned on his car, heading over to his house. I sunk down in my seat, emotionless. Some people might be mortified that someone saw them in a state like I am in, but not me. He knew me and I had nothing to be ashamed of. I am who I am.

I sat in silence as Ray awkwardly tried to make small talk with me. "Have you been okay?" No response. "We've been really worried about you, Mikes." Again, nothing. "Bob started drinking again."

"No!" I whispered loudly. Bob had stopped drinking three years ago, it couldn't be. He and Gerard, they quit together. I could feel tears gather up in the corners of my eyes and I blinked them back, swallowing the lump that was blocking my throat. "B-but why?" I mouthed, barely audible.

"He was crushed when Gerard died, and now he feels like he's losing you, too," Ray said, looking at me for a brief second before returning his eyes to the road. "He loves you like a brother, Mikey," He continued sincerely, "He told me so himself. And he hated it when you were mad at him that day in the basement, but now he's falling apart. He needs help, he needs it bad."

I tried to ignore the guilt that was now heaving itself onto my shoulders. When I thought I had all the guilt in the world for killing my own brother, now Bob is going to end up killing himself with his alcoholism and it's all my fault. Brushing away the tears falling from my eyes now as quickly as possible in an attempt to make sure Ray didn't notice, I decided not to say anything else the rest of the time we were in the car.

About seven minutes later we pulled into the driveway of Ray's two-story house and Savannah came running down the sidewalk.

"Why did you come home so- Oh my God, Mikey! You look horrible!" She exclaimed, running over to the car and looking at me in shock. My face flushed in embarrassment, unlike my reaction to Ray, and I looked down at the floor of the car, ashamed. "Come out of the car, Mikey, and into the house, okay?" she said sweetly, the complete opposite of my outlook on life right now.

I had no other choice so I got out of the car and reluctantly walked into their house, covering my face when I saw Frank sitting on the couch. His once lively brown eyes looked tired and worried, but lit up a little when they focused on me for the first time in almost three weeks. He ran over to me and pulled me into a hug and I must say I was a little shocked. I thought he would be mad at me for killing his best friend...

"So you're not mad at me?" I asked curiously, and he pulled me back, hands on my shoulders and looked at me like that was the stupidest question anyone had ever asked him.

"Of course not, I know it was an accident! I would have done the same thing!" He told me knowingly.

"But I just feel so...so stupid." I said, and he pulled me back into a hug and letting me cry into his shoulder.

"Don't feel stupid. I know Gerard wouldn't want it, okay? I would have done the same, so don't give it a second thought." He said. But I was so mean to Gerard and I knew he hated me, he was probably happy that I was miserable right now. I just hope he is in a better place.