Categories > Books > Artemis Fowl > What?


by kiminara 1 review

[500 word drabble] In which the word "what" is used altogether way too often. [Two St. Bartleby's students, sex (or the lack of), and Artemis.] Simplistic!fic, meaning mostly dialogue. [of the slas...

Category: Artemis Fowl - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama, Humor - Characters: Artemis Fowl - Published: 2007-07-22 - Updated: 2007-07-23 - 611 words - Complete

AN: Just an idea that popped into mind and wormed its way onto paper. Yes, I realize it is OoC for Artemis to stutter or get frustrated, but I did it because he's talking about getting caught masturbating, apologizing (which he doesn't normally do), and trying to get laid without making it look like he's trying.

I'd be surprised if he weren't nervous, regardless of the fact that he's Artemis Fowl.


"So the rumors are true! Artemis Fowl is every bit as frigid as they say."


"I couldn't get him to give me anything last night!"


"Yeah, it sucks."

"No- /what/? Are you crazy? Why in the world are you trying to bed Artemis Fowl? He's a genius! He's ages beyond something as base as /sex/."


"Oh god, what?"

"I walked in on him jacking off the other day. Pretty good show."

"No way. He put on a /show/, but wouldn't have sex with you?"

"Well, it was more like he didn't realize I was there until it was too late, but... it got the same results. I'm really starting to hate having to get myself off in the shower. Feels dirty."

"That's because you are dirty. I can't believe you're trying to screw with Artemis."

"Do I detect some jealousy in your voice?"


"Oooh, you're interested in Arty! We could have a threesome!"

"Gah! No. I mean, of course I'm interested in him, but nothing beyond the same intrigue everyone else- save for you- has in his shroud of mystery, stoicism, and fabled genius."


"You're hopeless."

"Oh! There goes my Arty; wow, he looks like he's having some trouble with his libido today."

"What? How can you tell? Looks the same to me."

"His mouth is pinched, and he keeps wetting it. Also note how he keeps staring at banal things like trashcans and ugly old teachers. Obviously he's trying to get himself under control."

"You watch him way too much for your own good, stalker. I still don't see what you're talking about."

"Now you're the hopeless one..."

"What? He's headed our way."

"Maybe it's my lucky day!"

"I doubt it..."

"Hey, Arty!"

Artemis winced. He didn't appear as calm and collected as usual; both of his peers picked up on it immediately.

"I need to speak to you about the other day. When you walked in...?"

"You mean when you were masturbating? What about it?"

"D- Do you have to say it so loudly?"

"What? There's nothing wrong with masturbating. Everyone does it, even this bookworm here."

"Hey! You don't need to tell him that."

"Our talk?"

"Oh, right! What about the other day?"

"I apologize."


"I did not realize you were present."

"Nah, it's okay; I enjoyed the show."

Artemis flushed and grit his teeth.

"I-I wasn't finished!"

"Then hurry up!"

"Fine! I also needed to talk to you about last night... when I slammed the door in your face..."


"I also apologize. I overreacted."

"Sure did-"

"Is there any way I can make it up to you?"

An evil grin slid across Artemis' peer's face.

"There certainly is. Let me show you back to our room..."

"Looks like he's getting lucky today," the third St. Bartleby's student muttered, returning to his book, trying not to imagine his friend and Artemis doing... things.

He ended up retiring to his room to take care of some problematic fantasies that were arising.


Guess I should also clear up that this is a bit of a future!fic. Make him any age you consider reasonable for masturbating and sex.

Please R&R.

Flames will be used to burn the second unnamed OC's book.
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