Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Why Can't You See How Much I Love You?


by Geets 4 reviews

Everybody deals with Brendon being in a coma

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama,Humor,Romance - Published: 2007-08-17 - Updated: 2007-08-17 - 4329 words

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able to see the signs that we missed?
Now the story's played out like this, just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as you know that someday I will

Someday, somehow, I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you're wondering when
(You're the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow, I'm gonna make it alright but not right now
I know you're wondering when

At some point, Ryan managed to get me out of the hospital, claiming that I "really needed to get out of there". Spencer and Jon remained with Brendon as Ryan drove me back to their house, in Spencer's car, thankfully. Once we got home, I stepped out of the car and headed towards the house in a very dazed fashion.

"Just sit down and I'll get you some water, ok?" Ryan disappeared into the kitchen; like a baby being nursed, I obliged. He returned with a glass of cold water, which I sipped slowly, and he sat down next to me, arm around my shoulders.

"I'm feeling better now you know, Ryan," I stated, my voice still a little shaky.

"Glad to hear it..." he smiled back at me.

After a short pause, Ryan continued to look at me, so I turned my gaze back to him. Our eyes locked for a short moment; I could see a distant expression on his face, before Ryan moved his head closer, but I abruptly jumped away from the sofa.

"I'm going to, er, go take a shower," I muttered, wandering upstairs. My heart was beating faster as I held the banister for support. Did Ryan seriously look at me that way? Was he about to kiss me?! For obvious reasons, I felt out of breath when I was undressing in the bathroom. What if he had kissed me? It's bad enough that I put Brendon in this state in the first place, but to kiss his best friend?! Am I fucking insane?! I don't deserve Brendon... I was crying once again in the shower as I let the hot water wash over me. I felt unclean, as if I had betrayed Brendon.

I must have showered about 3 times, scrubbing at my skin, disgusted with myself. When I finally emerged downstairs, I avoided eye contact with Ryan before I realised that Jon and Spencer were seated with him in the living room.

"Hey," Jon and Spencer both said. Hair tied back, I was wearing a pink shirt and jeans with a black hoodie: I felt cold. None of them looked particularly comfortable, perched on the edge of the couches, looking anxious, but I still came to sit next to Jon. I replied with a simple "Hi." I had the distinct feeling that Ryan had called them both back and told them what had happened. I can't deal with this now: I feel worse than I did before! I was just better at hiding my feelings now.

"How are you feeling?" Jon asked strangely. "Ok," I shrugged. If they had any sense, they would realise that I didn't want to talk to them: I just wanted to go to Brendon. But obviously not...

"Vicky?" Ryan said meekly. I looked over to him hesitantly and he took it as the signal to continue. "Please don't be mad at me for that before... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. You don't need shit like that..."

"I'm not mad at you," I whispered truthfully. I felt eyes staring at me, so I looked away. Biting my lip, I just decided to ask, "Guys, do you mind if we go back to the hospital? I just want to go and see Brendon."

Completely ignoring my last question, Ryan interjected, "Are you blaming yourself?" I didn't reply, but kept my eyes fixed in the opposite direction. "Vicky," Ryan stood up and faced me, crouching down, "If it wasn't for you, I would have kissed you. I am so sorry. I don't know why I did it..."

Finally, I looked at him properly and saw a lot of pain and regret. I softened immediately. "It's ok... Just... did you mean anything by it?"

This time Ryan let out a choked laugh, smiling shyly, before saying, "No. That's what I can't understand... I don't feel that way about you."

I smiled a breath of relief; I thought that our friendship would be ruined by this. Ryan was like my big brother: I did love him, but not in the same way as I loved Brendon. Hugging him, I felt more comfortable now, but I still felt a bit uneasy: what if he was just lying to me? But even if that was the case, he wouldn't ever make a move: I at least knew that much about Ryan.

We pulled away from eachother, smiling a lot more than before, when Spencer said, "Do you want to go back then? Brendon might be getting a bit lonely." My mind raced back to thinking about Brendon, and I nodded as the guys all got up and headed to the door. I knew there was a difficult time to come, but I couldn't help feeling slightly relaxed from all the support the three of them offered so willingly. It was comforting to know that I had people with me through every step.


Over the next few days, Brendon's condition didn't change at all: he was breathing, but he was still very much unconscious. All four of us continued to visit him at the hospital. Ryan, Jon and Spencer would play music to him, singing some of their own songs as well as playing some of his favourite music off his iPod.

News reporters, friends of Brendon's and crazy fan girls had managed to get past the reception frequently, since the press had found out about Brendon's accident 2 days after it happened. Their bodyguard, Zach, stayed outside his room. Even so, a 15 year old girl was found kneeling by Brendon's bed, practically wailing when Spencer went in there. Even though the media were loving this story, they were still unsure of exactly what happened or why, and that was the way we all wanted to keep it.

It was only after the third night that the guys managed to convince me to come home, because before I had spent the nights with Brendon, drifting in and out of sleep or talking to him. I hadn't slept well at all for days, and so finally I left the hospital on Friday with the three of them in the evening. We were all sitting in their living room, mildly laughing at Austin Powers: Goldmember, when the doorbell rang. I opted to answer it, because I felt incredibly useless to them, just staying in their house.

I opened the door and I saw someone I never thought I'd see again: Michelle. "Hi... Is Brendon here? I'd really like to see him... What are you doing here?" At first, she spoke in a wounded sort of voice, but rapidly becoming outraged by my presence.

I tried to sound as polite as I could, despite her warm welcome, when I stated, "He's not here right now. What are you doing here?"

"I believe I asked that question first, Vicky," she said coldly, putting extra emphasis on my name and folding her arms.

I calmed down enough to say, "The guys let me stay here. Why do you want to see Brendon so much?"

"Er, because I was his girlfriend and he's just been in a huge accident. Look, I just want to se him," she insisted pompously, clearly about to barge past me into their house. Spencer came up to us and asked incredulously, "What's wrong? Michelle?"

"Spencer... Hey. Is Brendon here? I just really want to see him."

I was getting very annoyed with Michelle, and so before Spencer replied, I said quickly, "What gives you the right to see him? And besides, if you used your thick brain, you would have realised that he's at the hospital. Like you said: he was in an accident."

"You know what, you're so pathetic. Look at you, shaking and acting all tough. I have no idea what your problem is, but it's probably because you've secretly been in love with Brendon, isn't it? Well, I was his girlfriend, alright? I'm the one who loves him."

I felt tears building up in my eyes, my blood boiling manically. I cried, "Yes I do love him! I believe the most important part of that speech was that you were his girlfriend. Take three guesses as to who he's dating now?!"

What I had said seemed to leave Michelle dumbfounded, staring sceptically between Spencer and I. "You? He's dating you?" she asked quietly. She paused while she tried to think of some clever comeback, until she abruptly blurted out, "So that's why he had an accident? Trying to get away from you, eh? That's understandable enough." She smiled smugly.

"I think it's time you left, Michelle," Spencer said protectively. Jon and Ryan appeared by the door too, keen to see what was happening. "Get out of our house. And don't think of going to see Brendon in the hospital, alright?" With a flick of her hair, she flounced back to her car. Breathing deeply, I felt hurt by her words even though I knew that I shouldn't let her get to me. "It's ok, Vicky. Don't worry about her, she's just jealous."

"But she's right. If I hadn't come along, this would never have happened..." I admitted solemnly.

"Don't think like that. You are the best thing that has ever happened to Brendon. Well, other than becoming part of the band. And I don't regret getting to know you for a second." Spencer held my shoulders firmly while the other 2 nodded in agreement.

"Come here," Ryan said warmly, holding out his arms as I stepped into his embrace. He squeezed my waist reassuringly.

"I might actually go to bed now actually. We all know I could do with some sleep," I chuckled softly, more so to myself. Bidding them goodnight, I traipsed up the stairs clumsily. I was weird not being with Brendon as I crawled into the bed: I had become so accustomed to being around him, or with him for that matter.

Before I went to bed, my mom phoned to check in on me. I appreciated the attention she gave me, because in this state, I needed her support. I still felt so immensely weak and hurt, and as much as I wanted to get over this depression, it was as if I was mourning the death of Brendon. I just have to stay positive... Be positive.


"Morning," I said drowsily to Ryan and Jon the next morning.

"Hey... How did you sleep last night?" Ryan replied.

"Better than I have been. I still kept waking up though. How about you both? Are you ok?"

"Same here, really," Jon shrugged.

"I never seem capable to stay asleep longer than an hour, these days," Ryan replied.

Today, I felt better after a good sleep, and I was more positive, for some reason. I couldn't wait to see Brendon, because I missed him a lot over the night. It felt like another life time since I had seen him smile his flawless smile at me... I regretted not taking more time to appreciate the smaller, more individual things about him. Suddenly, I decided to say, "I've got a good feeling about today. We've just gotta stay positive, haven't we? Don't lose faith in him..."

"Yeah, you're right... Hey Spence," Jon agreed. Spencer entered as I was pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"Hey guys," he said. He took the pot of coffee and poured a cup for himself. "When are we leaving today?"

"Soon, I guess, when we're all done," Jon suggested. I sipped at the coffee, deep in thought; I did a lot of thinking over these days. I couldn't be bothered with a proper breakfast: I still couldn't face eating much, especially in the morning.

Once we got the hospital, Spencer and I both headed into Brendon's room first. "Hey Brendon," I said, taking his cold hand in mine. "How are you today? Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah, erm, 'cause he's going to reply... Wait, wait, I think... he's feeling ok, but he's uncomfortable," Spencer smirked. I rolled my eyes, laughing reluctantly.

"Very funny. Look's like Spencer's doing alright, don't you think so, Brendon? Come on, wake up now. It's ok... Please." I squeezed his hand softly. Fiddling with his bed sheets, Spencer tried to look hopeful for a flutter of his eyelids. It was hard for us all, but I had finally learned to control my emotions and block out unfriendly thoughts.

"Jon and Ryan are ok. Did you notice I wasn't here last night?"

"Yeah, Vicky came home with us last night. She's doing better.... But we all need you back Brendon. We love you and we really miss you."

There was a soft knock at the door, and I thought it was just a nurse, but it turned out to be Brendon's parents. They often visited as well, staying for a couple of hours each morning. I had obviously met them and talked with them, as a friend of the band. I was determined not to let them know I at least was his girlfriend, and Ryan, Spencer and Jon all agreed not to say anything. I wasn't happy about lying to Brendon's own parents: we had told them the accident was due to careless driving and unfortunate luck.

"Hello... You don't mind if we come in, do you?" Brendon's mother asked tentatively.

"No, of course not," Spencer replied softly. I added, "We can go for a while, if you'd like some privacy. Come on, Spence."

"Thankyou," Mr Urie said meekly. I couldn't imagine what it felt for them: their own son was in a coma. It was obvious to me, and everyone else, how much they had suffered emotionally by it all, and the only reason they didn't spend more time at the hospital was simply because they had their own jobs and lives to keep going. Brendon's brothers had also come to visit a couple of times, but after a quick scan around the waiting room, I realised they were not here today. Joining Ryan and Jon on the lilac sofas, we were silent for a while, at a loss for something to say.


Later on in the day, it was my turn to sit with Brendon by his bedside, alone; I was able to say more personal things, and I felt a little more comfortable, but even more emotional. It was nice to sit with him, but that did not change the fact that he was unconscious and barely alive.

"Remember when we did that karaoke? When we all sang your songs? You were the best, of course. That was a really fun night..." I paused as I glimpsed at his closed eyes under the bright sunlight leaking through the beige blinds. "I miss hearing your voice. And your singing. No one has a better voice than you... Come on Brendon, you can wake up. You can do it, I know it... Please." Waiting for a few minutes to see if he did wake up, I held my breath and gazed around at the washed-out walls.

I touched his face lightly before I continued my pointless rambling. I had become accustomed to him not waking up at moments like those, although they used to upset me even more. "What am I going to do if you don't wake up, Brendon? You have so many people who love you and who need you... Your family have been great, especially your parents. They've been here all the way through. Your mom is really nice actually... but don't worry, I haven't told anyone from your family about how we... how we were going out... Brendon? If after all this, when you do wake up, if you don't want to be with me, I totally understand. I can't honestly believe I did this to you... If I could take it all back, I would. Just know that. Because I hate seeing you like this! I'd give anything for us to swap places... you don't deserve to be here. I love you, and I always will, Brendon. No matter what happens, I'll always love you and you can always talk to me... Anytime, I'll be there," I cried to him. I couldn't stop shaking or crying, but all I did was to hold his hand tighter than I had ever dared to before as I squeezed my eyes shut from everything I didn't want to see, and more tears trickled down my face.

Once I had dried my small, puffy eyes, I thought it was about time that I left and let someone else sit with Brendon. Slowly, I got up from the chair which seemed to be attached to his bed, attempting to walk on my weak legs. I kissed his forehead and brushed his hair back out of his face. I reached the door when I looked back momentarily to see Brendon again; as much as I wanted to leave, I was drawn back to his bedside once more, walking as if I was in a trance until I sat down on the chair, staring at his face. My hand curled up into a fist of its own accord, and I muttered, "Come on Brendon. Please, wake up... I know you can, I know you will... You're strong... You can't leave this world. Just give me a sign... let me know you can hear me. Give me a sign, please," I begged him. I wept freely, loudly, holding my face in my hands, still muttering the same words like a mantra.

I must have been extremely loud, because Ryan opened the door with a concerned look on his face. Looking up briefly to see him paused in the doorway, I still cried, before I returned my attention to Brendon, trying to calm down.

I felt Ryan rest his hand on my shoulder: a sign of strength. One that allowed me to keep my hopes up. A gesture which enabled me to say, "Wake up, Brendon, I love you," as he moved his middle finger upwards. Brendon sharply twitched his hand.

What the fuck?! I was so alarmed I sprang backwards, and my breath was caught in my throat as my eyes flitted between Ryan and Brendon. I held onto Brendon's hand with a growing smile on my face; Ryan had already rushed over to the other side of Brendon's bed and he cupped Brendon's right hand tightly.

"B... Brendon?" we both stuttered, fear and hope both audible. As if in response to our voices, Brendon quickly fluttered his eyes open, then snapped them shut. He twitched his hands again, clearly trying to move slightly. Ryan let go of his hand and said cheerfully, "I need to tell the others, and the nurse."

I nodded in recognition. I whispered, "Brendon, it's ok." He tried to open his eyes again, and this time he as able to keep them open, no matter how small or bloodshot they were. "Brendon..." I reached up and kissed his forehead forcefully, but not wanting to hurt him.

"Water, please," he choked out quickly. "Right, yeah, sure," I shook my head and busied myself with filling the cup which sat on his bedside cabinet, then helping him to pour it slowly into his mouth. He gulped it down hard and painfully, when the door burst open again as Ryan rushed in, accompanied by Spencer and Jon.

"He's awake?" Spencer asked rhetorically. They all hoarded around Brendon's bed, hugging him and smiling greatly; I had moved away from my chair to give them all more room.

"Hey, dude," Jon said warmly. Brendon smiled weakly back at us all. If I didn't know better, and if he didn't have so many bandages on, I would have said he looked stoned.

I felt so incredibly elated to see Brendon awake, but a part of me was scared: now was the time to see how he felt about me. I was still holding onto the glass of water when I stepped back a little. I felt so relieved. I would never have been the same if he hadn't woken up, but it didn't mean that I forgave myself for any of it: I would always hold that guilt and pain.

"Hey..." Brendon whispered very hoarsely, before he coughed a little.

"Bren, you need to rest," Ryan told him as he tried to move about in his bed; Brendon smiled a little again and fell back onto his pillows.

"What happened?" Brendon picked up his heavy hand and touched the bandages on his head, also becoming aware of the rest of his body, and the pain I presumed he felt across his chest.

Spencer started to explain: "Well, you were in a car accident. Do you remember?" Brendon nodded slowly. "You suffered some bad injuries... You had surgery, and you've been in a coma since..."

Brendon seemed to nod, before he looked around the room, his eyes resting on me. The sudden attention made me shift under his gaze. I had longed to see him look at me, but I had forgotten what it felt like to see him in this way: as if he cared about me, possibly loved me...

"Come here..." he beckoned softly. I swallowed, then moved over to him near his head. "Look, are you ok? I wanted to tell you-"

"Shh..." I pressed my finer to his lips. "Don't worry about me, I'm fine... You need to rest." I was afraid of what he might tell me truthfully, and although I deeply wished to know what he had to say, I didn't want him to say it in that state, in front of Jon, Spencer and Ryan.

Thankfully at that point, a nurse and a doctor came in. "Hi there, how is Brendon?" the doctor asked as he walked over to him; all of us moved to the edges of the room, out of the way.

"All of your vital signs are fine. You seem to have made a good recovery." His words were all I needed to smile even more than before. "Are you comfortable?"

"Yeah... sore throat," Brendon choked again, but not so harshly.

"That's perfectly normal," the doctor assured.

"Erm, sorry, can I ask: Brendon hasn't suffered any... brain damage, has he?" Ryan asked hesitantly.

"No, he hasn't. Luckily, the damage to his head was not deep enough to cause any permanent damage. But Brendon, you suffered some pretty serious injuries to your chest mostly when the other car collided with yours. We managed to repair the damage successful, so it's just a matter of you healing now. But I must tell you that when we were operating, we lost you for a couple of minutes." Brendon's confused face prompted the doctor to continue. "Your heart stopped beating due to the pressure and strain your body was under. But, we obviously got your heart beating again, and we completed the surgery. I just thought that you'd like to hear from a doctor before one of your friends or family... I'll be in to check on you later." The doctor left the room, leaving the nurse.

"I know that Mr. Urie has just woken up, but he does need to rest. Perhaps you would like to leave him until tomorrow, because it is quite late... also, we can contact his family, or if you would rather do that, it's up to you," she finished politely.

"Yeah, we can come back tomorrow. We can call his family and let them all know he's ok," Spencer said.

"Ok, that's great. If you need anyone, there are nurses you can call from the reception up here." And with that, she left too, clutching a clipboard.

Turning our attention back to Brendon, we said our goodbyes. "I guess I'll see you in the morning," Jon said first, nodding and smiling.

Last of all was me: "Get some rest. I'll see you in the morning, ok? You can always call if you need us... Your cell's on the table," I pointed out Brendon's Sidekick sitting next to him.

"Thanks you guys. For everything."

"Hey, no problem. We're just glad you're ok," Ryan said. He hugged Brendon, and so did the other two, before they headed to the door. I quickly bent down to hug Brendon, when he whispered, "I'm sorry," only loud enough for me to hear.

I pulled away slowly and looked at him, whispering, "I'm sorry too." Brendon smiled before Jon asked, "You coming?" I smiled widely at Brendon, so much that it hurt my face, and then headed out with the other three, feeling so much happier than I had felt in about a week.

As we waltzed out of the hospital, I had a huge smile on my face, and I was actually crying from how happy I was. Ryan wrapped an arm around my shoulders before he ask, "What happened before? I mean, what did Brendon say to you just then?"

I shrugged my shoulders, saying, "He said he's sorry." I began laughing when Ryan squeezed my shoulders and Spencer and Jon smiled back at me.


I am so sorry it's taken this long to update, but I had some serious writer's block. But, I found some inspiration, so I hope you liked it. Please review, they really help me out.

And also, sorry if it's not actually possible to watch surgeries like that, but it just fitted with the story :P

Lyrics from Nickelback, /"Someday"/
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